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Female elf hypothermic syndrome: Won't you help us find a cure?

As Children's Week approaches, we turn our attention to the needy of Azeroth. The poor orphans, only looking for some companionship and a nice vacation, who end up dragged into Magtheridon's Lair. The elderly, who disappear somewhere once they're too old to fight. The homeless, the gnomeless, the disenfrancished and the disemboweled. But today, I ask you to think of a different kind of need. I ask you to think of the female elves.

The poor paladin pictured above was a perfectly happy blacksmith until she hit level 40 and started wearing plate. Then, suddenly, her chestpieces started losing arms. Then necklines. Then midriffs. Then other areas of the breastplate that should probably be there to protect against swords and stuff. Today, she is only clothed in two pieces of metal attached together with what appears to be duct tape. And the mail pants ... well, I bought the pants for emphasis because there weren't any plate pants I could wear on the AH at the time. Still, they appear to be a fur loincloth with two mudflaps on the side. Considering where the blood elf's hands are placed when riding a horse, it looks pretty NC-17. And the frostbite ... oh, God, the frostbite. Especially the ears.

But my elf is not the only victim. Read on, if you dare ...

Among the top contributors to elf hypothermia are the Polychromatic Visionwrap ...

the Warbear Harness ...

the Black Mageweave Armor ...

and the Vanguard Armor.

Sure, elf hypothermia may look attractive when they're in their natural habitat, dancing on top of mailboxes. But what happens when these stalwart but underclothed heroines go out to fight? Unless their armor is made of Lucite, they're not gonna have much protection from attacks. And some of those cuts just don't work with physics. What's keeping that Polychromatic Visionwrap up, aside from the collective will of Blizzard?

If you're still not convinced that elf hypothermia is a problem, remember -- it could happen to you. Sure, you may be a dwarf or tauren or orc, but that doesn't make you safe. Do you really want to look in the mirror someday and see ... THIS?

Or THIS?

So please, next time you're in Orgimmar or Ironforge, donate a Dark Silk Shirt or some decent legplates to that elf. Trust me, she'll need it.

What's your favorite-looking set of armor? Do you think female character should have the same armor appearance that male characters do, or are you okay with the skimpier outfits?

Filed under: Night Elves, Items, Blood Elves, Humor

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