Each week, Daniel Howell contributes BigRedKitty, a column with strategies, tips and tricks for the hunter class sprinkled with a healthy dose of completely improper, sometimes libelous, personal commentary.
Editor's note: We think Damh and Hobbes are trying to be funny. Rogues really don't need to be worried about what happens when they log in tonight. At least we're pretty sure they don't.
10. Rogues haven't just been nerfed, they've been completely eliminated from the game. Pfft. Gone. All Alliance Rogues are now Shaman, all Horde Rogues are now Paladins. Same gear though, so you'd better get to the Auction House quick.
9. Paladins can no longer pull. They can still tank but if they are in a party of two or more, they cannot attack a mob than has an empty threat list. The Blizzard programmers stated in the patch notes, "Until they learn how to pull without getting so much aggro that a hunter cannot peel off a mob to trap, we're not gonna change this."
8. Holy Priests, Holy Paladins and Resto Druids now get a monthly gold allowance sent in the mail. For every hour they play they get 5 gold tribute. "You'd pay them yourself if you could get a Shadow Lab run more than once per week, wouldn't you?" said Nikoli Bransdorf, instance programming intern and Beastmaster hunter.
7. New profession: Sheriff. Start out by putting the beggars in the pokie, move on to finding the level-one gold spammers and putting them in chains, and at 375 you will be able to fix bugged instances and quests with your Ancient Baton of Compliance.
6. The fishing arsenal has been upgraded to include spears, harpoons and an epic Engineering item, the Goblin Infisherator XL. Chunk this daddy into the ocean and a mild seismic explosion tosses enough marine life onto the beach that every Naga in Stranglethorn Vale will call you Master.Still want to hear the top five? Keep reading.
5. Speaking of Engineering, the long rumored Gnomish Battle Tank mount finally makes its appearance. As the only mount capable of attacking targets, the Engineering profession just became worthwhile again.
4. Herbalism and Mining have been downgraded to secondary professions and can be learned by anybody. "The whole concept that one has to be trained to pick a flower or hit a rock with a pickax was silly and probably done in a fit of jello-shooter mayhem," said one software engineer on the condition of anonymity.
3. New Profession: Candymaker. While only one of these professions are authorized per guild, they can bake some fabulous concoctions that grant powerful buffs. Here are just a few recipes:
- Attack Power Angelfood Cake
- Mana Restoring Mississippi Mud Pie
- Oh Henry Health Bars
- Spell Power Snickers
- Bertie's Every Stat Beans
Of course, the one person in the guild who gets to train this profession will always be greeted with, "Hey! It's the Candyman!"
2. New Warrior Talent: Insult. Yes, they've always had the ability to Taunt, but Insult is like Taunting on steroids. Special emotes have been built into the game for when Insults are used to attack bosses:
- Ikiss? Your name is Ikiss? Does that mean you're so ugly even your mom wouldn't kiss you?
- The last time I fought a demon as stupid as you, Ambassador Hellmaw... wait, I think you're a new record.
- Murmur, you're an air elemental and you can't move? You're Air, for cryin-out-loud!
1. The Epic Druid Flightform quest series has been drastically shortened. Said lead flying mount programmer Eric "Shaman Get No Love" Vonneiderhausen, "Our druid friends -- who get all the love in the world from my bosses -- no longer have a quest chain. They simply have to gather 500 motes of fire, water, air, earth, and mana, take these motes to the Auction House, sell them for 2 gold a pop, then take their money to the flying mount vendor and buy a rotten, stinking, epic flying mount like everybody else. If Shaman don't get a frickin flying mount quest, nobody does! You hear me!? Nobody!"
It's gonna be a great patch.Daniel Howell continues his quest to freak the bejeezus out of at least one class per week as the Damh and Hobbes hunter-pet duo extraordinaire known to lore as BigRedKitty. More of his theorycrafting and slanderous belittling of the lesser classes can be found at bigredkitty.blogspot.com.