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BigRedKitty: From the bowels of the patch notes


Using our top secret, highly illegal, and mildly toxic BRK Patch Notes Discombobulator, the highly-trained yet massively underpaid engineers at the BRK Information Warfare Center and Crunchy Cheetos Research Facility have been able to root out the hidden agenda in the latest patch notes distribution. Hold onto your Stylin' Purple Hats, folks; this isn't gonna be pretty.

For The Top Ten Totally Provocative Changes Coming in the Next Patch, read on!


10. Mookin dance routing has been completely revamped to mimic Rick James -- the King of Funk -- performing Super Freak. Moonkin hair shall be also modified to be more "glistening" so as to match the new dancing motif.

9. The engineering profession gets massively buffed with the ability to construct the MacGyver Accessory Kit. Use is restricted to engineers with a 375 rating only, it allows the user to remove all crowd control effects, parachute for fifteen seconds, have the chance to "car-jack" a flying mount from anybody's inventory, and convert any riding mount into a mobile munitions platform.

8. All the wasted space in Shattrath's Lower City between the inn and the Mana Loom is being converted into shops that people can rent and sell their goods. Anyone from an individual to an entire guild can rent a shop and sell their wares to the public. The Lower City denizens get a percentage of each sale, of course.

7. The Sha'tari Skyguard have finally realized that their true enemies aren't the Arakkoa, but are really the giant yellow birds that patrol Skettis. Massive bounties have promised to those who return the claws, wings, beaks, and feathers of these atrocities to the Skyguard captains.

6. The ability to bomb the beejezus out of everything, a la the bombing quests in the Blade's Edge Mountains, has been added to all of Outland. However, Fel Reavers and the Sons of Gruul have all been given surface-to-air missile capabilities. When hit by these weapons, one isn't immediately dismounted but instead loses control of one's flying mount and follows a gentle parabolic arc until impact. The contrails are supposedly quite beautiful.

5. First Aid gets it's first overhaul since the Burning Crusade arrived with the implementation of the Nurse Ratched Emergency CPR Kit. Only obtained through the new Epic First Aid Quest -- must be completed solo -- it requires a 375 First Aid skill to use. The kit will restore 100% health to any individual once every 30 minutes. However, using the kit will also Silence the subject for 10 seconds.

4. The ability to traverse the Dark Portal has had its level-58 restriction lifted. However, the flight masters at the portal are level-58 restricted. A new graveyard at the portal has also been implemented specifically to service all those who wish to try to run the gauntlet.

3. Tailors make cloth armor, blacksmiths make plate armor, leatherworkers make leather armor, and now Mailleworkers make mail armor. All mail armor patterns have been removed from the leatherworking compendium and all leatherworkers can visit the Maillearmor Trainer in Lower City to switch from leatherworking to mailleworking if they so choose, retaining their level of proficiency but gaining no new patterns. New rare and epic mail armor patterns have been added to all instances, some vendors, and as world drops.

2. A new profession, Beast Whisperer, has been created. Learn the secrets of making ground and flying mounts run and fly faster. Train hunter pets to do more damage. Create miniature non-combat pets from any beast in Outland or Azeroth.

1. Whether your class is overhauled or not, everybody gets a free respec. The only reason Blizzard is as successful as it is is because of you, the subscriber. What does it cost us to throw you a free respec-bone? Nada, zippo, bubkis. We're gonna show you a little love, so go redo your talents on us. Cheers.

Filed under: Patches, Humor, (Hunter) Big Red Kitty

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