Azeroth Interrupted: Reader Mail -- Balancing WoW and a non-gamer girlfriend
by Robin Torres 
Sep 17th 2007 at 4:30AM
Each week, Robin Torres contributes Azeroth Interrupted, a column about balancing real life with WoW.
This week I'm answering an email from Guilty Gamer:
Dear Robin,
My problem's not too much school or work, but a girlfriend who'd rather have me in bed (we live together) than leveling in the wee hours. As it is, I sneak WoW into my life. If she's got a one-hour class, I've got time for five quests. But my play is ruined by the fact that I have to hide. I'm not looking at porn for crying out loud. I just want to enjoy my game.
I want to sit down for a whole evening and sink in to an instance, but it seems impossible considering we always plan so much. Her hobbies/interests can be accomplished in an hour or less while mine eat a whole evening. She's not geeky like me. I tried to get her to into WoW and it made no sense to her (fair enough). I usually get an evening a week but even then she's mad or distant if I'm not talking and paying attention to her while I play.
At points, I wish I could play so much more or just give up the game entirely. I really enjoy WoW and love my girlfriend. I don't know how to find harmony between them. I'm always either deprived of my time-consuming hobbies or guilty for enjoying them.
Sincerely,
Guilty Gamer
Dear Guilty Gamer,
One of the biggest problems with our hobby is the lack of respect that non-gamers have for it. It is considered juvenile and a waste of time, so non-gamers resent when their significant others play video games rather than participate in more "adult" or socially acceptable pastimes. Even though 9 million people internationally are playing WoW, that is out of about 6.6 billion total -- a rather small percentage. This adds up to a whole lot of people who can't relate to us wanting to spend time questing in Azeroth.
I have two solutions for you to try at the same time -- a kind of two pronged attack.
Solution 1: Convert your girlfriend to a gamer
This is going to take a long time, so be patient. I've discussed this topic before, but I want to go into more detail about the slow approach. She wasn't interested in playing WoW right away, but you may have greater success with a gradual course of game progression. Here are some steps to take to slowly turn her into a gamer:
Step 1: Does she play any casual games? They can be a great gateway to becoming a gamer and the more addictive ones will help her understand your desire to play your favorite game. 76% of casual gamers are female, so you have a decent chance of success. A good starter game is Bejeweled. I recommend getting the full copy of the latest version so that she can keep track of her scores and develop more of a commitment to it. If she already considers another casual game a favorite, then buying a more complete version of that would work, too.
Step 2: Once she grows tired of her "starter game", or when you think she's ready, get her a copy of Sims 2. Not only does the Sims franchise do a great job of incorporating favorite childhood gameplay like paper dolls and dollhouses, it also introduces non-gamers to the concept of saving a game and returning to it later. She will probably have a blast playing Sims 2 for a month or two and then you can either get her the expansions or you can move her onto her RPG starter game.
Step 3: Your favorite single player fantasy RPG is the best choice for taking her to the next step. I probably wouldn't go all the way back to something as delightful but archaic looking as Ultima V, but anything in the last decade will probably do. If it is your favorite, your passion for it will be infectious.
Step 4: She may be ready now for going straight to WoW, but if you aren't sure, you could always play Diablo 2 with her cooperatively on a local network. This will introduce her to some WoW concepts such as talent points and quests as well as teaming up to accomplish tasks. I've played Diablo 2 recently with my husband and while the graphics and the ever-changing geography were a bit annoying, overall it was a blast thought it was 6 years after its release.
Even if she never goes beyond Step 2, she will have a better understanding of your hobby and will probably be more patient about you playing it more often instead of hiding.
Solution 2: She needs her own hobby
If her hobbies and interests can be accomplished in about an hour, then she doesn't really have a compelling hobby of her own. Most couples get along best when they have at least one separate interest. There are a lot of relationship experts who talk about how separate hobbies can increase self-esteem, establish independence and make time spent together more special. It really isn't healthy for her that she needs you for her entertainment most of the time. Having a hobby will make her feel better about herself and make her feel better about you playing at your hobby. But her hobby should follow certain criteria to really make it compatible with yours and your current lifestyle:
It should be creative. A creative outlet feels great, is mentally healthy and produces something she can "complete" -- giving her a sense of accomplishment. Everyone should have at least one creative outlet.
It should be time consuming. Collecting things that are special to her is nice, but the time spent pretty much ends with the acquisition and placement. Cleaning and researching may take some extra time, but overall, she is not going to spend a few hours happily collecting another spoon or stamp while you are PUGing an instance. The hobby should take enough time that she will want to spend an evening at it every once in a while (or more often).
It should be something that can be done at home. If your girlfriend takes up rock climbing or scrap metal sculpture, it is not something she is going to want to do at night in the living room -- hopefully. She should be able to do this hobby comfortably on the couch or at a desk with easily obtained resources while you are enjoying your guilt-free gaming.
Bonus traits: If the hobby is at all addictive and/or not taken very seriously by people who don't do it then you will have hit the jackpot. She will be much more understanding of your gaming guilt -- as long as you are just as understanding of her new hobby. This works both ways.
Good hobbies to try to gauge her interest in are the standard crafts that you can get the basic mats for at places like JoAnn's or Michaels. Activities like scrapbooking, cross stitch, beaded jewelry making and sewing all fit the above criteria. Encouraging her to pickup a craft that she abandoned years ago will probably work best. Getting one of her friends to introduce her favorite craft (that follows the above criteria) to your girlfriend will also work well -- and you will probably get a very enthusiastic accomplice.
But the hobby I recommend most (and you may have seen this coming) is knitting. Knitting is something that your girlfriend can do while watching TV or while watching you play. It doesn't require patience (in fact, it is perfect for impatient people). It is easy to learn with just a little practice and teaching (there are only two stitches in knitting which is way less complicated than, say, DPSing and crowd-controling in an instance). And there is a huge community, both online and local, of people who are just dying to have another knitting convert. When she is not knitting, she can be looking up patterns and mats online and when she is knitting, she is going to be much more into you babbling about PUGs and Mana as long as she gets to chat about LYSs and WIPs.
If your girlfriend shows an interest in learning to knit, but doesn't know how to begin, I recommend calling up a Local Yarn Store (LYS) and signing her up for a beginning class. Get her a $50 gift certificate and send her on her way. The knitters will welcome her into the fold, sympathetically listen to her complaints about her gaming boyfriend and tell her how lucky she is to have so much knitting time while you play. You can't lose!
Easing your girlfriend gradually into sharing your hobby while at the same time encouraging her to get a hobby of her own should solve your problem. You both will be better off individually and this will take away an obvious source of friction in your relationship.
I hope that you will be able to enjoy WoW guilt-free soon, with your girlfriend gaming and/or crafting nearby.
Good luck and keep in touch.
Robin Torres juggles one level 70 Tauren Druid, multiple alts across multiple servers, two cats, one toddler, one loot-addicted husband and a yarn dependency. After years of attempting to balance MMOs with real life, Robin lightheartedly shares the wisdom gleaned from her experiences. If you would like to ask Robin's advice or if you have a story you wish to share, please email Robin.Torres AT weblogsinc DOT com for a possible future column.
This week I'm answering an email from Guilty Gamer:Dear Robin,
My problem's not too much school or work, but a girlfriend who'd rather have me in bed (we live together) than leveling in the wee hours. As it is, I sneak WoW into my life. If she's got a one-hour class, I've got time for five quests. But my play is ruined by the fact that I have to hide. I'm not looking at porn for crying out loud. I just want to enjoy my game.
I want to sit down for a whole evening and sink in to an instance, but it seems impossible considering we always plan so much. Her hobbies/interests can be accomplished in an hour or less while mine eat a whole evening. She's not geeky like me. I tried to get her to into WoW and it made no sense to her (fair enough). I usually get an evening a week but even then she's mad or distant if I'm not talking and paying attention to her while I play.
At points, I wish I could play so much more or just give up the game entirely. I really enjoy WoW and love my girlfriend. I don't know how to find harmony between them. I'm always either deprived of my time-consuming hobbies or guilty for enjoying them.
Sincerely,
Guilty Gamer
Dear Guilty Gamer,
One of the biggest problems with our hobby is the lack of respect that non-gamers have for it. It is considered juvenile and a waste of time, so non-gamers resent when their significant others play video games rather than participate in more "adult" or socially acceptable pastimes. Even though 9 million people internationally are playing WoW, that is out of about 6.6 billion total -- a rather small percentage. This adds up to a whole lot of people who can't relate to us wanting to spend time questing in Azeroth.
I have two solutions for you to try at the same time -- a kind of two pronged attack.
Solution 1: Convert your girlfriend to a gamer
This is going to take a long time, so be patient. I've discussed this topic before, but I want to go into more detail about the slow approach. She wasn't interested in playing WoW right away, but you may have greater success with a gradual course of game progression. Here are some steps to take to slowly turn her into a gamer:
Step 1: Does she play any casual games? They can be a great gateway to becoming a gamer and the more addictive ones will help her understand your desire to play your favorite game. 76% of casual gamers are female, so you have a decent chance of success. A good starter game is Bejeweled. I recommend getting the full copy of the latest version so that she can keep track of her scores and develop more of a commitment to it. If she already considers another casual game a favorite, then buying a more complete version of that would work, too.
Step 2: Once she grows tired of her "starter game", or when you think she's ready, get her a copy of Sims 2. Not only does the Sims franchise do a great job of incorporating favorite childhood gameplay like paper dolls and dollhouses, it also introduces non-gamers to the concept of saving a game and returning to it later. She will probably have a blast playing Sims 2 for a month or two and then you can either get her the expansions or you can move her onto her RPG starter game.
Step 3: Your favorite single player fantasy RPG is the best choice for taking her to the next step. I probably wouldn't go all the way back to something as delightful but archaic looking as Ultima V, but anything in the last decade will probably do. If it is your favorite, your passion for it will be infectious.
Step 4: She may be ready now for going straight to WoW, but if you aren't sure, you could always play Diablo 2 with her cooperatively on a local network. This will introduce her to some WoW concepts such as talent points and quests as well as teaming up to accomplish tasks. I've played Diablo 2 recently with my husband and while the graphics and the ever-changing geography were a bit annoying, overall it was a blast thought it was 6 years after its release.
Even if she never goes beyond Step 2, she will have a better understanding of your hobby and will probably be more patient about you playing it more often instead of hiding.
Solution 2: She needs her own hobby
If her hobbies and interests can be accomplished in about an hour, then she doesn't really have a compelling hobby of her own. Most couples get along best when they have at least one separate interest. There are a lot of relationship experts who talk about how separate hobbies can increase self-esteem, establish independence and make time spent together more special. It really isn't healthy for her that she needs you for her entertainment most of the time. Having a hobby will make her feel better about herself and make her feel better about you playing at your hobby. But her hobby should follow certain criteria to really make it compatible with yours and your current lifestyle:
It should be creative. A creative outlet feels great, is mentally healthy and produces something she can "complete" -- giving her a sense of accomplishment. Everyone should have at least one creative outlet.
It should be time consuming. Collecting things that are special to her is nice, but the time spent pretty much ends with the acquisition and placement. Cleaning and researching may take some extra time, but overall, she is not going to spend a few hours happily collecting another spoon or stamp while you are PUGing an instance. The hobby should take enough time that she will want to spend an evening at it every once in a while (or more often).
It should be something that can be done at home. If your girlfriend takes up rock climbing or scrap metal sculpture, it is not something she is going to want to do at night in the living room -- hopefully. She should be able to do this hobby comfortably on the couch or at a desk with easily obtained resources while you are enjoying your guilt-free gaming.
Bonus traits: If the hobby is at all addictive and/or not taken very seriously by people who don't do it then you will have hit the jackpot. She will be much more understanding of your gaming guilt -- as long as you are just as understanding of her new hobby. This works both ways.
Good hobbies to try to gauge her interest in are the standard crafts that you can get the basic mats for at places like JoAnn's or Michaels. Activities like scrapbooking, cross stitch, beaded jewelry making and sewing all fit the above criteria. Encouraging her to pickup a craft that she abandoned years ago will probably work best. Getting one of her friends to introduce her favorite craft (that follows the above criteria) to your girlfriend will also work well -- and you will probably get a very enthusiastic accomplice.
But the hobby I recommend most (and you may have seen this coming) is knitting. Knitting is something that your girlfriend can do while watching TV or while watching you play. It doesn't require patience (in fact, it is perfect for impatient people). It is easy to learn with just a little practice and teaching (there are only two stitches in knitting which is way less complicated than, say, DPSing and crowd-controling in an instance). And there is a huge community, both online and local, of people who are just dying to have another knitting convert. When she is not knitting, she can be looking up patterns and mats online and when she is knitting, she is going to be much more into you babbling about PUGs and Mana as long as she gets to chat about LYSs and WIPs.
If your girlfriend shows an interest in learning to knit, but doesn't know how to begin, I recommend calling up a Local Yarn Store (LYS) and signing her up for a beginning class. Get her a $50 gift certificate and send her on her way. The knitters will welcome her into the fold, sympathetically listen to her complaints about her gaming boyfriend and tell her how lucky she is to have so much knitting time while you play. You can't lose!
Easing your girlfriend gradually into sharing your hobby while at the same time encouraging her to get a hobby of her own should solve your problem. You both will be better off individually and this will take away an obvious source of friction in your relationship.
I hope that you will be able to enjoy WoW guilt-free soon, with your girlfriend gaming and/or crafting nearby.
Good luck and keep in touch.
Robin Torres juggles one level 70 Tauren Druid, multiple alts across multiple servers, two cats, one toddler, one loot-addicted husband and a yarn dependency. After years of attempting to balance MMOs with real life, Robin lightheartedly shares the wisdom gleaned from her experiences. If you would like to ask Robin's advice or if you have a story you wish to share, please email Robin.Torres AT weblogsinc DOT com for a possible future column.
Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Azeroth Interrupted
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 3)
jaxson_bateman Sep 17th 2007 4:37AM
Personally, I think you have to weigh up what is more important to you - your girlfriend or your game. It may seem cold and simple minded to me, but that's the way I feel. Would you rather kill Illidan for your first time, or go on a picnic with your loved one? Personally, I'd take the picnic every time.
Azlan Sep 17th 2007 4:51AM
Being somewhat in the same situation, I have "solved" this by having one night in the week for WoW:ing. I have convinced my Girlfriend that it's socializing, I could as well go out and have a pint with my friends, or playing soccer or what not. I asked her to think on it as if I was away. And it works, mostly.
But the problem still exists. If I had a night on town, or a night reading once a week, it would not be a problem. She could relate to that.
I never can understand how it's easlier sitting together on a couch, watching some program on the TV that neither likes.
vern Sep 17th 2007 5:13AM
I guess I am very lucky.
When I married my wife, she knew i was a gamer, that was a clear bargain (I was calling her at the phone while CounterStrike characters screams and gunshots could be heard in the background). When I started WOW, I showed it to her. She created a few characters on my account. Finally, 2 months ago, we bought a second PC, so she got the old PC and a new WOW account just for her so she can play whenever she wants or do her 'Canadian idol' stuffs on the TV or the Internet (she's a big fan).
Hopefully I managed to find a guild that is raiding exclusively during the week-end, so I manage to compartmentalize my play time. Yet she often ask me “Do you have a raid tonight” quite often, even during the week. She is always there to see a new boss kill. She has seen many of the Vashj tries while in my back and often screams...
Other times, she is just passing by, gives me a kiss, and refill my pepsi's glass (that's during raid time).
I love her, she is a gamer and she understand very well my hobby.
I guess the first born will change all this (no, I won't be like the Oprah guy!).
MeLeNaS Sep 17th 2007 5:31AM
Uhm... then I guess I'm a special case here: I'm a girl, I love WoW and I play along with my boyfriend. But whenever I don't feel like playing I just grab my needles and knit socks, hats, sweaters and whatever pattern falls in my hands. See, I have the best of both worlds! :) And I totally agree on knitting as a great, easy and very creative hobby. It's a perfect relaxation method when you end a stressing instance run ;)
Arien Sep 17th 2007 5:43AM
Maybe you can set up for example the weekend, where one day is spent with her and whatever hobbies you have in common and the other day you spend it playing WoW or whatever you want. It's important to dedicate both time for your partner and for yourself inside a relationship. Maybe talk about it and try to reach a middleground where everybody is happy.
Anyway, if you want to try to convert her into a gamer as the article suggests, don't limit yourself to single player games nor to the PC. I've got a Nintendo DS and a Wii and they're great to play, both alone and together (games like Phoenix Wright, Puzzle Quest or silly Wii Sports are simply brilliant).
Single player games for PC like Sims and Bejeweled are great too, don't take me wrong, but to be honest, it might give the feeling that you just want to keep her busy, like with the "find her a hobby" suggestion (I'm a girl, I know I would probably suspect that - and wouldn't be amused about it :P). So I suggest you find something that you can enjoy both alone and together.
Regards and best wishes on your relationship :)
Arien
Tetelestia Sep 17th 2007 9:02AM
It's unfortunate for people in this situation, it shouldn't ever be a matter of choosing either the hobby or the relationship. A good, healthy relationship will have compromise on both sides and things like this should not happen... to casual players.
Greg Sep 17th 2007 6:01AM
The advice on getting your g/f into gaming is pretty good. My wife plays WOW, she was never really into gaming at all, but she did have a singularly long and enjoyable encounter with Sims 2 that I think helped a lot. Also, when I first started playing she used to sit and watch me and ask questions and stuff.
Failing that, just set aside some game time every week that you both agree on. Maybe one or evenings that you can play guilt free and she won't bother you.
If she can't agree to you playing WOW, ever, without feeling guilty then ummm... yeah. G/f or WOW?
Ultimate Pwner Sep 17th 2007 6:04AM
To be honest i'd rather kill illidan for the first time then a boring old picnic with a girl who is going to dump me for another guy later on. It's the same thing over and over.
I have one thing to say: Girlfriends come and go, But WOW is eternal. not really but...nvm
Jens Sep 17th 2007 6:48AM
Guilty Gamer, I can relate. Problem is my wife thinks wow isn't worth anything. If I spend time with something worthless, it must *surely* be because I'm not in love anymore... So if you want to keep playing, convince your wife that wow is a healthy, worthwile, social activity (which it is).
Should you fail, do as I did: take a break from wow, it's worth a lot less than a strong relationship. I still keep in touch, via blogs, comics, machinima. I think a lot about wow: http://wow-philosophie.blogspot.com (it's in german). And I must admit that in the last 3 years, wow did take up more of my spare time than I wanted. Works much like a skinner box. Chances are, if you have wife aggro, it's about time for a re-check of your priorities.
lordfrikk Sep 17th 2007 7:04AM
@7
LOL
Mir Sep 17th 2007 7:04AM
Since you've already introduced her to the game and it didn't work out, I would go with solution 2 over 1. However, trying to push her into a hobby (knitting wtf?) can have the opposite effect so tread carefully.
Savok Sep 17th 2007 7:04AM
This is stupid, if she doesn't respect how you want to spend your time she doesn't respect you. If she won't be educated about what you're actually doing, dump her, it's simply not going to work in the long run so cut your losses now. God's it's no wonder divorce rates are so high, no one has the balls to say "hey, this relationship, as it stands, is going to disintegrate in a few years if we don't fix it or just pull the plug now".
But then I'm a virgin well into my 20s, what would I know.
enkafiles Sep 17th 2007 7:05AM
Yes, a partner with few interests of their own who is too dependent on you for entertainment is a problem,
but what is it with all the arts and crafts suggestions to keep the gf occupied? Are we assuming women are likely to dig fiddly stuff like that or that if she were the kind that *didn't* she'd already be a geek or goth gamer chick?
Maybe it just gets me the wrong way, but I have the opposite problem. I've been playing WoW for two years now and would love to find a way to get my husband to play with me... but if I attempted the draw-them-in-slowly approach Robin outlined and tried to get him to play Bejewelled or Sims, he'd think I was nuts. And rightly so. I doubt I'd try that on my sister!
Any thoughts? Or is it just as simple as "substitute "Need 4 Speed" and an FPS to adapt this transparently manipulative approach to male S.O.s"?
Amandil Sep 17th 2007 7:10AM
#7 You win!
I brought my ex-girlfriend to gaming, which was a big mistake. She joined my guild and at our annual real-life guild meeting she met some dwarf priest and dumped me for him. Now she's online nearly the whole day, raids SSC and The Eye and has several thousands of gold. I somehow feel bad about that.
awender Sep 17th 2007 7:13AM
Make her understand, that the man shes loves likes to play WoW. Without WoW you wouldn't be the same person anymore. If she loves you, then she'll understand you need some lonely offhours.
Girlfriend as a notion means, that she is your friend as well. Why would a friend prohibit things you like to do?
Lykaon Sep 17th 2007 7:19AM
Okay, I haven't read all of the comments so this may have already been said by someone.
You should seriously consider whether this is a relationship you want to be in for the long term.
If she can't respect your hobbies and your desires, then she's displaying a lack of love towards you.
Seriously, it sounds harsh but a girl who puts you in the doghouse for doing something you enjoy ONE night a week isn't worth having.
She needs to really look inward and solve some internal problems she has with her own self worth. She shouldn't need someone doting on her nonstop to feel happy.
That's just messed up.
Rezo Sep 17th 2007 5:40PM
" As it is, I sneak WoW into my life. If she's got a one-hour class, I've got time for five quests. But my play is ruined by the fact that I have to hide. I'm not looking at porn for crying out loud. I just want to enjoy my game."
Im surprised that im the only one saying this....stop being so whipped. If your girlfriend has a problem with you doing something you enjoy for even a single hour a day then I would personally tell her to go f' herself.
However if your going to try to follow the other advice I would:
Skip Step 3 and Step 4 should only include WoW...not diablo 2 or anything else. Most girls would have absolutely no interest in your favorite RPG....unless its like harvest moon or something lol. When my GF started WoW her primary interested were shopping on the auction house and dressing up her character in outfits. She also tailored.
FYI: Most girls have absolutely no real hobbies.
I trust you did not attempt to get her into wow by showing her a big ugly orc? Should start with character creation...most girls are going to either going to want to be a Gnome, Blood elf, or Undead (its true). WoW is EASY to get into remember to avoid telling her exactly what to do and when do it.
Hollywood Ron Sep 17th 2007 7:37AM
I wholly recommend knitting at a hobby for anyone, male or female. It's a lot of fun (and most of the Fearsome Foursome from the 1970's Rams defense knit, so it's also manly).
q3c Sep 17th 2007 7:53AM
All I can say is that when I read it I thought I might have written it. Even the "one hour class" matches.
I haven't found a solution yet. Some people cannot be converted into gamers, and when you live together (or also work together as in my case) this special "my own private time" is becoming very very important to the mental health and good of the relationship.
Tim Sep 17th 2007 8:12AM
I am/was in about the same situation. I use to play WoW all the time even with my girlfriend. I even got her playing, for a bit. She had fun but got bored of it before level 15. However, when we moved in together her understanding of my gamer disappeared and I had to convince her that playing WoW was a part of who I was, and the fact that I don't go to bed till midnight or later is also a part of who I am, and her going to be at 7 was a part of who she was... I spent a good amount of time convincing her that it was a part of me and we then worked on a compromise. It is important that you can do both. Don't be afraid to sit down and talk about it.