Daniel Howell contributes BigRedKitty, a column with strategies, tips and tricks for and about the Hunter class, sprinkled with a healthy dose of completely improper, sometimes libelous, personal commentary.

If we were to ever re-roll Horde, we'd be a female Troll hunter. Yes, the Trolls got their kiesters kicked by rampaging murlocs -- murlocs! -- but the ladies can be hunters, and have just enough 'oomph' in both looks and performance to make them our first choice should the Alliance ever be eliminated. What about our other options?

Orcs are just too steel-plate-in-the-skull dumb for our liking. Nobody does nude better than Orcs, but who hunts in the buff?

...

Wait, these are Orcs we're talking about... OK, who seriously hunts in the buff?

Taurens should either be warriors or druids, period, not hunters. Tauren warriors rock our socks, but Tauren hunters? Excluding Rhino-pets, the size difference between a Tauren and his pet is just silly. If you're a Tauren hunter and don't have a Rhino, you're not bringing it like you should. A Survivalist Tauren hunter is about as wrong an idea as there can possibly be. Survivalist? How are you going to 'survive' when every member of the Alliance has targeted you, just because you take up one quarter of their screen!

Nobody likes Blood Elves, not even other Horde. Are we right? Of course we are.

And the Forsaken can't even be hunters; they deserve our pity more than anything else.

But we're not going to re-roll, for we are a member of the best race in the game. The race that Warcraft made its cover picture, the race that introduced WoW to millions, the race that oozes -- both literally and figuratively -- charisma, competence, and warm ale: The Dwarves.

Humans cause 85% of the problems in WoW. Arthas, need we say more? Plus, they can't hunt, so end of story.

Gnomes can't even retake their capital city. We like gnomes, we really do, but fellas, call us when you're not renting, OK?

Night Elves can hunt, but they've got a priest leading them. A priest as your battlemaster? If it ain't DPS, it's crap. Plus, her mate is a druid. /eww Next!

Draenei... let's just admit once and for all that the Draenei should be eliminated as soon as possible, shall we? It was a huge mistake to allow a space ship crash to disgorge a new race just so the Alliance would have something to counter Blood Elves. Memo to Blizz: Alliance doesn't need Draenei and we loathe their accents. "May the light embrrrace you!" Shut up already! If the dwarves had just been allowed to be shaman instead of introducing the Draenei, nobody would've complained at all.

Dwarves, dear readers. We can tank, we can DPS, and we can heal. We are the masters of beverages; there's even a holiday in honor of our skill with liquid refreshments. We dig up the best enemies to raid. We have the largest collection of insane quest givers. We have the most efficient capital city. We are exploring every nook and cranny of every continent looking for fun, excitement, knowledge, and drinks. We are the most dedicated, creative, and motivated race, period.

If you're at a party, and a pack of Gnomes wander in, you just hold your head and pray they don't talk to you.

If a gaggle of Humans blow through, you know they're going to start prattling on about Medivh or some other powerful human who abused his powers and screwed everything up.

If an army of Orcs smash down the door, you're expecting a high repair bill from the furniture-repair guy and stains on the carpets, 'cause Orcs don't do coasters, placemats, or doilies.

If a swarm of Trolls take over, you know the CD player is going to be reprogrammed with some bizzarre band you've never heard of, and the kitchen is going to be a huge mess from the jambalya.

But when a passel of Dwarves roll in, you know they're hauling their own keg, that they have an iPod loaded with party songs, that they've got a 1000-watt mono-bridged amp powering dual 15" subwoofers installed in their ram, and the girls are going to be loud, busty, and easy.

Now the boys are loud, busty, and easy too, we'll grant you that, but Dwarf-tuckus is a heck of a lot more appealing than some crotch-grabbing Human-dude. Can we get an 'Amen'?

Nobody keeps his brother's back covered like a dwarf does.

Nobody has an easier disposition than a dwarf has.

Nobody will throw down when the time is right like a dwarf will.

Nobody can take one on the chin like a dwarf can.

Nobody's laundry-list of things to bring to a raid includes as many party-mats than a dwarf's does.

And no other race brings it harder, smarter, crazier, more frenzied, and with more gusto for life than we Dwarves do.

/rock
/chalk
/jayhawk

Tags: bigredkitty, dwarves, humor

Filed under: Dwarves, Humor, (Hunter) Big Red Kitty