Drama Mamas: Wife aggro
by Lisa Poisso 
Nov 13th 2009 at 7:30PM
Wife aggro (GF aggro, SO aggro -- whatever you call it at your place) isn't about WoW. Let's get that misconception out of the way right now. Wife aggro is about balancing a relationship with a hobby that tantalizingly dangles one person physically in front of yet emotionally light years beyond the reach of the other partner. Wife aggro is about attention – who's giving it where, who's not getting enough. Wife aggro is about what happens when couples lose their grip on how to separate "me" time from "us" time, on how "being at home" is different than "being available." Wife aggro is about what happens when the wires of "my" time, "your" time and "our" time become crossed and start arcing angry, white-hot sparks. And left unchecked, wife aggro is about demands that cast one partner as the shrill arbiter of what the other partner is "allowed" to do and be.
Dear Mamas: I started WoW this year after many years of patient waiting until all the planets and resources aligned for me, and I was completely rewarded. During those times I was able to play 3-4 hours (at least) almost daily, having no personal issues because of the game (I'd still go to work, the gym, dancing classes, read, watch TV, out with friends, and last but not least, my girlfriend), and started getting invited to my Horde guild's raids.
But then I got married. In spite of having talked about it with my fiancé before the big step and agreeing I'd still play it casually, the first weeks were hell ... Every time I'd even try to look at my computer, she would invent something for us or me to do, and my gaming "time" was pushed back and back. Finally the bubble popped and we had a huge argument, and the best I could get from her was one WoW day a week.
I still enjoy my gaming time and try to squeeze as much as I can from it, yet I feel like a ninja when I go to raids with my Horde guild because I'm hardly helping them (learning the fights, and my equipment isn't anything to write home about). I've talked to some guildies and they tell me not to feel like a ninja, that that's why they have a DKP system and if I get some loot, it is because I earned it. Yet I'm not sure everyone feels ok with me, or understands what it's like to have an aggro wife ... Also, the one day per week agreement makes it impossible to complete most of the holiday achievements of the game, so now it'll take me years to finish them all.
As for my wife, I've followed the usual tips: asked her to try the 10-day trial, negotiated in advance my playing time, showing her nice WoW videos, tried to get her interested in the general game lore (I'm pretty sure she would read the WoW novels and comics if they didn't say in the cover that they're WoW-related), telling her about the raids/instances/bosses' lore I did during my WoW day, showed her that my guildies are normal people (not just fat nerds in a basement or spoiled teenagers), taking her to my guild's real life activities ... Yet she refuses to negotiate more time, claiming that I used it as a escape route from her, that if she plays WoW it will become the center of our relationship, that I am a WoW addict ...
I'm at a crossroads here: I'm either still going to argue with her until it breaks us apart, keep feeling like a ninja with my Horde guild, or realm transfer my important Horde characters to where I made my Alliance characters because my guild there is smaller and I feel they comprehend more my situation (but this option would also make me feel as a ninja to my Horde guild, because I'd leave it behind with a significant negative DKP). Quitting WoW is not an option because I'd know I'd soon find another game to play. Thank you for hearing me out, Aggrowifed
Drama Mama Lisa: Aggrowifed, it's not WoW that's the issue here -- it's personal boundaries and your identities as individuals and as a couple. It's about knowing what those boundaries and identities are, and it's about mutually respecting them. You and your wife must come to terms with what you expect from your marriage on a daily basis. As a married couple, you have become more to one another than two people living parallel lives in close proximity -- yet as entwined as you are, you remain individuals. What happens in so many marriages early on is that spouses come to depend on one another for companionship. That's certainly appropriate, as long as it doesn't mow down individuality. Unless you have young children or a busy schedule that prevents you from spending time together, setting an arbitrary one-night-per-week limit on a spouse with a hobby that benefits from more frequent attention doesn't seem very balanced, respectful or kind to me.
Robin has written in the past about balancing your gaming time with the rest of your life, and I'm sure she's going to have plenty of specifics to suggest. What I want to focus on is idea of balancing itself. Notice that I didn't refer to balancing your gaming with "real life" – I said "the rest" of your life. Gaming is real. It's a real hobby worthy of real respect and real time. And it's a real part of you (and therefore a part of your marriage) to which your wife needs to adjust her own individual wishes and expectations. It's your responsibility to adjust your time "away" from her with balance and moderation -- and it sounds like you've made an honest effort to do that.
In the larger picture, you know what your wife doesn't want. Now it's time to find out what she does want. Has she come to rely on you to keep her company every night? Would she prefer some focused time together before you headed off to the keyboard? Does she crave more time doing things together, rather than simply being in the same room while pursuing separate activities? Get her to share what she sees as an ideal mix of evenings over a typical week. Then share your own desires and expectations with her.
You need your own time and space. She needs her own, as well. And you both need shared time spent together. It's the proverbial three-legged stool that falls over if any single leg is too short. This isn't a case of "asking for permission" for more time for yourself. Your task here is to help her see that a single, begrudged night per week for your own interests is not a whole leg, by anyone's standards, for a stool that the two of you will be sharing for years to come.
Drama Mama Robin: Dear Aggrowifed, I am always hopeful that the "I'll change what I don't like" attitude in potential spouses will go away, but it obviously hasn't and that's a shame. I have written about this topic quite a bit and I think there is a lot you can try to help your gaming situation -- and your relationship.- What are her hobbies/interests? It sounds like she is neglecting whatever they are, if she has any. She will never be happy without your rapt attention if she cannot entertain herself with something other than TV. Encourage her to renew her interests in any non-collecting hobby, preferably a crafting one. It's well known how I feel about knitting, but sewing, cooking/baking, scrapbooking -- anything where the mats are easily available, something is produced and can be done in your living room is great. Hobbies will not only keep her busy, freeing up your own hobby time, but will also help any self-confidence issues she may have.
- Are you still dating? There was dedicated, devoted to each other time before the marriage -- has it continued? Being in the same room for hours every day is not the same thing as having dinner together without distractions, experiencing events together or sharing similar interests with just the two of you. If you spend time renewing the reasons you married, she shouldn't be jealous of your WoW sessions (unless there is something worse going on).
- Where are her friends? Why aren't they insisting on not being neglected themselves? Where are the girls' nights out and the like? Are they part of the gamer/you bashing problem? Or don't they exist? If the latter, there is a larger problem here that I don't think we can address.
- Though it is about hobbies, this article has a good checklist to help you get to the bottom of what your wife's real problem is with your gaming.
- This guy was in your situation. (You are not alone.)
- Here are some general life-balancing suggestions.
- If you want to put more effort into turning your wife into a gamer, here are some tips.
Drama Mamas Drama-Buster of the Week
Make a bad pull? Miss a heal? Wipe the raid? Own up. If you suffered from a simple brain fart, 'fess up. If you muffed something important, ask for advice. Nobody wants to play with the weasel who takes no responsibility for his mistakes -- or worse, the clueless fluff-head who can't spot a problem when it's staring her in the face. Admitting your shortcomings lets your teammates know that you see and understand the problem and you're working to prevent it from happening again. With a proactive, take-charge attitude like that, you could end up inspiring more confidence than you lost in the first place!
Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at DramaMamas (at) WoW (dot) com.Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Tips, WoW Social Conventions, Virtual selves, Features, Drama Mamas
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 7)
Renevant Nov 13th 2009 7:46PM
fiancé = male to be married
fiancée = woman to be married
Unless his wife is a shemale or something...
Perkins Nov 13th 2009 8:26PM
Did you really just call someone out over the letter E? My God man. Do you feel better? Do you think you have help the world in some great way? You should seek help, or just leave the internet, because you have issues.
Sleutel Nov 13th 2009 9:07PM
Don't worry about the down-voters, Renevant. They just feel self conscious 'cause they didn't know the difference, so they're taking your comment as an indictment of their ignorance.
jam Nov 13th 2009 9:28PM
Agreed, the voting system is ridiculous.
Schadenfreude Nov 13th 2009 10:27PM
The spelling correction was fine, the transphobic comment about "shemales" was not appropriate.
Schadenfreude Nov 13th 2009 10:28PM
The spelling correction was fine, the transphobic comment about "shemales" was inappropriate.
Mr. Tastix Nov 13th 2009 11:24PM
This websites "community" is extremely petty. I know I'll get downrated for this but really, who gives a crap about anyones opinions ON THE INTERNET?
Oh boohoo Schadenfreude, he used the word shemale. Go have a cry. It's not the end of the goddamn world... yet.
Dboy Nov 14th 2009 2:51AM
Whoever downrated the original comment has either on of two problems (or perhaps both):
1. They don't like people who pick other people up on bad grammar/spelling/punctuation, likely because (as Sleute says) they take it personally. If this is you, develop some resilience and humility and stop being so precious.
2. They take offense to the 'shemale' quip. If this is you, remove the pole from your arse and grow a sense of humour.
Chaotix Nov 14th 2009 5:00AM
"They don't like people who pick other people up on bad grammar/spelling/punctuation, likely because (as Sleute says) they take it personally."
Most people scroll down after reading an article because they want to read more about the topic at hand. The post was down-rated because the very first thing we read when scrolling to discussion about the topic is some twit making a 1 character quip and a lame line.
Bronwyn Nov 14th 2009 3:28PM
"They take offense to the 'shemale' quip. If this is you, remove the pole from your arse and grow a sense of humour."
It has nothing to do with lacking a sense of humor, it has to do with knowing that remarks like this in the gaming community aren't made in good fun, but rather as insults.
Deadly. Off. Topic. Nov 16th 2009 11:50AM
Even I mix up the 'E's on fiancee and fiance, and what's the point really, they mean the same thing - person you are going to marry.
Tikana Nov 13th 2009 7:49PM
Yeesh, I'm glad my SO plays, and has always played games with me. I'd hate to run into a situation like this, because it'd be sadly a tough choice. Though most likely, I wouldn't get involved with someone who didn't have similar interests (such as gaming, as that's the one of the biggest interests in my life) as I do.
Great advice from the Drama mama's though :)
Good luck Aggrowifed
Cowy Nov 14th 2009 11:53AM
I agree, I wouldn't date someone that I had nothing in common with.
If games are a big part of your life and your lifestyle, you need to get that out on the table on the first date or so. Sure the chick might be "hawt" but really, after you get all you can out of that arrangement... you're going to be sad when she doesn't "like" games and is intellectually stunted.
Also the women of the world need to start evolving a tad, both ourselves and when raising girls of the next gen. We are living in a different world than the one our mothers were raised in, this isn't Barbie land anymore. Slap that dolly out of your kids hand. Cancel the tea party and give her the same darn computer keyboard you just put in little Timmy's hand with the SAME games (none of this stupid vet tech, ride-a-pony, bake-a-virtual-cake fluff game crap) Parents need to stop raising girls in such a sexist moronic way, and then there would be more confident, competent tech savvy girls out there. :(
I am so thankful my parents did it for me when I was a little girl. My boyfriend who games with me, is thankful as well. :)
Stormscape Nov 14th 2009 8:23PM
Cowy is completely right.
I also think that this guy in the article was kind of stupid for marrying this girl in the first place. I mean, its not really about WoW at all. The whole refusing to even look at ANY media if its branded "Warcraft"? Or claiming that this guy is "addicted" when he plays a single-digit number of hours per week and is clearly trying to work with her on this?
IMO this shows a deeper problem in the very nature of her person. These are clear signs that in her truest self, this woman is selfish, bigoted, and judgmental. Not to mention a control-freak.
Now, maybe its her parent's fault as Cowy suggests, or maybe she's just incurably pig-headed. Either way, "Aggrowifed" was probably foolish to marry her.
Cyanea Nov 13th 2009 7:58PM
Yeah...that's a no.
I understand that when you're in a relationship, you obviously can't spend your entire amount of freetime in Azeroth, but where I draw the line is having to NEGOTIATE for the time that I'm "allowed" to play?
I'm extremely lucky to have an SO that is just as addicted to the game as I am, but if I were ever in a relationship with another person that required me to basically ask permission before I can play WoW? It's not a relationship that is going to last long. It goes beyond WoW. Yes, we're living together. Yes, we've entered into a relationship "for better or worse", etc, but that doesn't mean we need to spend every waking second together. Having to "negotiate" out my free time with my SO just seems like the crest of a slippery hill. I love my boyfriend to death, and really want to spend the rest of my life with him, and I guess I'm lucky in that he knows I like an hour or two of "me-time" a day, whether it's in WoW or in a book, or a long walk, or whatever I want to do by myself that day.
Clevins Nov 13th 2009 8:13PM
Agreed. If he was neglecting her, spending all of his time on WoW, etc, that would be one thing. But I always want to tell guys like this to get the pair out of whatever jar she's keeping them in and reattach them. In a healthy relationship it shouldn't be any big deal to play 2 or 3 nights a week. That doesn't mean from the second he gets home to the second he sleeps.... have dinner with her, etc. And make sure your relationship is still a priority - that you're not suddenly taking her for granted because, well, you're married.
Kylenne Nov 13th 2009 8:28PM
This, and frankly, that goes for any cherished hobby. I refuse to date non-fannish/geek types for this very reason. I've had too many friends of both genders needing to drop out of weekly P&P roleplaying sessions because their SO wanted them to "knock that ish out". Too many people have dropped out of my life because someone they were dating couldn't stand their gaming/comics collecting/anime fandom/etc. This is a basic respect thing, and to me speaks volumes about a person's character. No, you don't always have to share the same interests as your SO--but dammit, have some respect. My GF makes jewelry for a living and is a very crafty sort. I'm decidedly not, aside from cosplay projects. But I don't down her for squeeing at the bead store. Because, you know, I love her and that's something she enjoys doing even if I don't necessarily get the appeal of it.
I just don't get how people fail at something this basic.
Cyanea Nov 13th 2009 8:42PM
Oh, exactly that. EXACTLY THAT.
My boyfriend is a car nut, a mechanical engineering major, and more than once he has tried to explain some breakthrough in his chosen field that has gone so far over my head it might have been mistaken for a UFO.
But I don't chide him for that, just as he doesn't laugh at me for my giggling girlishness over my books. We have things in common, we have interests that separate, and I think that recognizing that you can't be in your SO's life every waking second of the day is one of the foundations of a healthy long-term relationship.
oniryuujin Nov 13th 2009 7:58PM
I tell ya once women get married they have that internal switch that flips, and they turn into angry time mongering attack robots, pro tip from every married person i've talked to....DON"T GET MARRIED.
Tikana Nov 13th 2009 8:10PM
...Do you know any real women?
Sure some women are like that, but to say it in a generalizing way like that. Is totally off. There are plenty of gaming couples that lead happy lives.