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All of the latest Mists of Pandaria newsDrama Mamas: Wife aggro
by Lisa Poisso 
Nov 13th 2009 at 7:30PM
Wife aggro (GF aggro, SO aggro -- whatever you call it at your place) isn't about WoW. Let's get that misconception out of the way right now. Wife aggro is about balancing a relationship with a hobby that tantalizingly dangles one person physically in front of yet emotionally light years beyond the reach of the other partner. Wife aggro is about attention – who's giving it where, who's not getting enough. Wife aggro is about what happens when couples lose their grip on how to separate "me" time from "us" time, on how "being at home" is different than "being available." Wife aggro is about what happens when the wires of "my" time, "your" time and "our" time become crossed and start arcing angry, white-hot sparks. And left unchecked, wife aggro is about demands that cast one partner as the shrill arbiter of what the other partner is "allowed" to do and be.
Dear Mamas: I started WoW this year after many years of patient waiting until all the planets and resources aligned for me, and I was completely rewarded. During those times I was able to play 3-4 hours (at least) almost daily, having no personal issues because of the game (I'd still go to work, the gym, dancing classes, read, watch TV, out with friends, and last but not least, my girlfriend), and started getting invited to my Horde guild's raids.
But then I got married. In spite of having talked about it with my fiancé before the big step and agreeing I'd still play it casually, the first weeks were hell ... Every time I'd even try to look at my computer, she would invent something for us or me to do, and my gaming "time" was pushed back and back. Finally the bubble popped and we had a huge argument, and the best I could get from her was one WoW day a week.
I still enjoy my gaming time and try to squeeze as much as I can from it, yet I feel like a ninja when I go to raids with my Horde guild because I'm hardly helping them (learning the fights, and my equipment isn't anything to write home about). I've talked to some guildies and they tell me not to feel like a ninja, that that's why they have a DKP system and if I get some loot, it is because I earned it. Yet I'm not sure everyone feels ok with me, or understands what it's like to have an aggro wife ... Also, the one day per week agreement makes it impossible to complete most of the holiday achievements of the game, so now it'll take me years to finish them all.
As for my wife, I've followed the usual tips: asked her to try the 10-day trial, negotiated in advance my playing time, showing her nice WoW videos, tried to get her interested in the general game lore (I'm pretty sure she would read the WoW novels and comics if they didn't say in the cover that they're WoW-related), telling her about the raids/instances/bosses' lore I did during my WoW day, showed her that my guildies are normal people (not just fat nerds in a basement or spoiled teenagers), taking her to my guild's real life activities ... Yet she refuses to negotiate more time, claiming that I used it as a escape route from her, that if she plays WoW it will become the center of our relationship, that I am a WoW addict ...
I'm at a crossroads here: I'm either still going to argue with her until it breaks us apart, keep feeling like a ninja with my Horde guild, or realm transfer my important Horde characters to where I made my Alliance characters because my guild there is smaller and I feel they comprehend more my situation (but this option would also make me feel as a ninja to my Horde guild, because I'd leave it behind with a significant negative DKP). Quitting WoW is not an option because I'd know I'd soon find another game to play. Thank you for hearing me out, Aggrowifed
Drama Mama Lisa: Aggrowifed, it's not WoW that's the issue here -- it's personal boundaries and your identities as individuals and as a couple. It's about knowing what those boundaries and identities are, and it's about mutually respecting them. You and your wife must come to terms with what you expect from your marriage on a daily basis. As a married couple, you have become more to one another than two people living parallel lives in close proximity -- yet as entwined as you are, you remain individuals. What happens in so many marriages early on is that spouses come to depend on one another for companionship. That's certainly appropriate, as long as it doesn't mow down individuality. Unless you have young children or a busy schedule that prevents you from spending time together, setting an arbitrary one-night-per-week limit on a spouse with a hobby that benefits from more frequent attention doesn't seem very balanced, respectful or kind to me.
Robin has written in the past about balancing your gaming time with the rest of your life, and I'm sure she's going to have plenty of specifics to suggest. What I want to focus on is idea of balancing itself. Notice that I didn't refer to balancing your gaming with "real life" – I said "the rest" of your life. Gaming is real. It's a real hobby worthy of real respect and real time. And it's a real part of you (and therefore a part of your marriage) to which your wife needs to adjust her own individual wishes and expectations. It's your responsibility to adjust your time "away" from her with balance and moderation -- and it sounds like you've made an honest effort to do that.
In the larger picture, you know what your wife doesn't want. Now it's time to find out what she does want. Has she come to rely on you to keep her company every night? Would she prefer some focused time together before you headed off to the keyboard? Does she crave more time doing things together, rather than simply being in the same room while pursuing separate activities? Get her to share what she sees as an ideal mix of evenings over a typical week. Then share your own desires and expectations with her.
You need your own time and space. She needs her own, as well. And you both need shared time spent together. It's the proverbial three-legged stool that falls over if any single leg is too short. This isn't a case of "asking for permission" for more time for yourself. Your task here is to help her see that a single, begrudged night per week for your own interests is not a whole leg, by anyone's standards, for a stool that the two of you will be sharing for years to come.
Drama Mama Robin: Dear Aggrowifed, I am always hopeful that the "I'll change what I don't like" attitude in potential spouses will go away, but it obviously hasn't and that's a shame. I have written about this topic quite a bit and I think there is a lot you can try to help your gaming situation -- and your relationship.- What are her hobbies/interests? It sounds like she is neglecting whatever they are, if she has any. She will never be happy without your rapt attention if she cannot entertain herself with something other than TV. Encourage her to renew her interests in any non-collecting hobby, preferably a crafting one. It's well known how I feel about knitting, but sewing, cooking/baking, scrapbooking -- anything where the mats are easily available, something is produced and can be done in your living room is great. Hobbies will not only keep her busy, freeing up your own hobby time, but will also help any self-confidence issues she may have.
- Are you still dating? There was dedicated, devoted to each other time before the marriage -- has it continued? Being in the same room for hours every day is not the same thing as having dinner together without distractions, experiencing events together or sharing similar interests with just the two of you. If you spend time renewing the reasons you married, she shouldn't be jealous of your WoW sessions (unless there is something worse going on).
- Where are her friends? Why aren't they insisting on not being neglected themselves? Where are the girls' nights out and the like? Are they part of the gamer/you bashing problem? Or don't they exist? If the latter, there is a larger problem here that I don't think we can address.
- Though it is about hobbies, this article has a good checklist to help you get to the bottom of what your wife's real problem is with your gaming.
- This guy was in your situation. (You are not alone.)
- Here are some general life-balancing suggestions.
- If you want to put more effort into turning your wife into a gamer, here are some tips.
Drama Mamas Drama-Buster of the Week
Make a bad pull? Miss a heal? Wipe the raid? Own up. If you suffered from a simple brain fart, 'fess up. If you muffed something important, ask for advice. Nobody wants to play with the weasel who takes no responsibility for his mistakes -- or worse, the clueless fluff-head who can't spot a problem when it's staring her in the face. Admitting your shortcomings lets your teammates know that you see and understand the problem and you're working to prevent it from happening again. With a proactive, take-charge attitude like that, you could end up inspiring more confidence than you lost in the first place!
Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at DramaMamas (at) WoW (dot) com.Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Tips, WoW Social Conventions, Virtual selves, Features, Drama Mamas
Reader Comments (Page 4 of 7)
danawhitaker Nov 13th 2009 8:55PM
I was dating a guy in college, and when I mentioned that my cousin played Everquest and I was thinking about trying it, he went on a tirade with a lot of expletives about games like "those" (and he was a gamer). The only thing that did was drive a wedge further between our relationship. I bought EQ and tried it and played for a while, despite his whining. And while it didn't directly cause the ultimate breakup of our relationship, it was a huge red flag about what type of person he would be if someone had a hobby or interest he didn't share.
I would not ever marry or date someone who had the attitude of the wife mentioned here. I can't even imagine living like that, and as an adult, having to *negoiate* for time. That crosses an unacceptable line to me. Everyone has hobbies and interests, and it's unrealistic for a significant other to expect them to go out the window just because you're dating or married. If it gets to the point that it's harming the relationship, that's one thing - but it didn't seem like that was the case here.
So man up, and set your boundaries. She should respect them. And this advice is coming from a woman. If she's going to be like this *now* just imagine what it might be like when there are children thrown into the mix.
Rexann Nov 13th 2009 9:02PM
You know the real issue here might just be a bit of jealousy. The poster stated that he tried to share the game with his wife by relating things about the his raids, guildies, etc. If he showed a lot of enthusiasm then she might feel that he's having more fun in some strange online world than he is with her. Now this could be called a self esteem problem or simply human nature.
She might feel threatened by wow in the same way she would by another woman that was showing him a bit to much attention. She can't totally deny the poster his game time without losing her dignity completely so she concedes to what what she feels is more than enough time. This is probably what also causes her to accuse the poster of being addicted and whatever other arguments are made against what she feels is a threat.
I don't have a solution, but maybe a bit of insight...
Stages Nov 13th 2009 9:06PM
I could totally see this being a possibility. I don't really know what the solution could be, aside from her getting to know his guildies or having a similar group of friends.
Hélio Nov 13th 2009 9:05PM
This problems normally arise when we dedicate a lot of our time at beginning to start with without putting hobbis boundaries, since before marriages, etc we spend our free time much at our own will, when you get married both persons must understand the concept of "my" and "our" time.
Giving my example, im in a relationship for 3 years now, my gf at beginning didn't understood very well this concept. We are at same college, and we are with each other everyday, but however, she wanted to spend alot of time, when we were not together, chatting online.
When i start doing more things on my free time, playing more wow, etc, she didn't like it at all, since she doesn't play the game, or even likes it, my only way to prevent further problems, was to explain to her that more time speaking/together doesn't mean that's good for a relationship, and she needed to get more things to do on her own free time.
Be always together is actually bad, since you will get eventually tired of the person, like all things in life it, it has to have a balance.
Sleutel Nov 13th 2009 9:09PM
"Wife aggro (GF aggro, SO aggro -- whatever you call it at your place)"
Why are two out of three of these female-specific (and none male-specific)? Why not just call it SO aggro in the first place? WI tends to be pretty good about being gender-neutral, and I'm especially disappointed to see this coming from the Drama MAMAS.
dancinglion Nov 13th 2009 9:22PM
" claiming that I used it as a escape route from her, that if she plays WoW it will become the center of our relationship" And what is the problem here?
But seriously, I have played MMO's throughout my marriage (9 years so far) and never really had an issue. My wife understands that when I need some "me" time. A few hours a night, not every night, and be sure to pay attention when the kid needs something.
My best move was to get her into the game, that way she understood what I was doing, and not suspicious of who I was chatting with.
vinniedcleaner Nov 14th 2009 2:51PM
@Sleutel
Because the gaming population is predominately male and it is generally the female of the relationship that creates the problems in these kind of situations.
Sleutel Nov 14th 2009 2:58PM
@vinniedcleaner: Read the comments on this post. Note how many of them are from WOMEN talking about problems with their MALE significant others.
Yes, more men play WoW than women, but we're a significant minority.
Mopo Nov 16th 2009 4:19PM
I am a little surprised to see so many women commenting on their SO aggro; however, wifeaggro is a lot more common than husbandagrro. I think the reason you are not seeing a bunch of guys commenting is because most of us are thinking the same thing. This guy needs to grow some and stop negotiating for playing time on a game he really likes. Only playing once a week? Fthat!
I have mixed feelings about trying to introduce the SO to your hobbies. For some it can be worthwhile, but I can see where it can go downhill really fast too. I personally do not like playing with RL friends, since most of them are newbies and I hate baby sitting. Besides, if this is me time, why do you want to spend every minute with the SO anyways?
Ziberious Nov 13th 2009 9:18PM
I know you say this 'isn't an option' but for your relationship's shake just quit the game. If you keep your mind off of video games (which isn't that hard) you'll get over it.
Kylenne Nov 13th 2009 9:29PM
The problem with that though is it's only a band-aid approach to the problem, and doesn't really solve the underlying issues. People who are needy and controlling of their SO's time to the degree this guy's wife is just don't stop at video games. What happens if, say, he wants to do a poker night or something with his friends? If even even expresses an interest in doing an activity without her, is she going to act as passive-aggressive as she did about his WoW time?
WoW is not the problem here, the problem is that this woman is co-dependent as hell and needs to develop some interests and hobbies outside of her husband. She also needs to learn how to communicate her needs better, and what constitutes legit negotiation in a relationship. It's natural to want to spend a lot of time with someone you love, but that shouldn't come at the expense of personal space. Or interests they had before you were even with them. Everyone needs "me" time. Relationships are inherently about give-and-take and some degree of compromise, but asking someone to give up a hobby so they have to spend all their free time with you is not even in the same time zone as reasonable.
jam Nov 13th 2009 9:29PM
That's just stupid.
This isn't about WoW. Quit WoW and the wife will find another thing she wants you to quit.
philip Nov 13th 2009 9:34PM
Sounds like there are nothing else to do except play wow and hook your spouse on it so she/he doesnt **ck your brain about not getting any attention.
There are only 2 choices you got, hook her up or quit. yeap thats it i dont see any other way out. or watch as this relationship falls apart.
Fnord Nov 13th 2009 9:30PM
"Gaming is real. It's a real hobby worthy of real respect and real time."
Unfortunately, there will always be some spouses/GFs/BFs/SOs who'll consider that a totally unfounded assertion. My own wife of 15+ years, whom I love dearly and wouldn't trade for anything, is a committed knitter who hates videogames with a purple passion. (When I ask her what makes her hobby morally superior, she holds up the sweater/socks/whatever and quoth "Duh--measurable, useful results!" Okay, she's got a point, kind of.) She says she doesn't really mind my playing WoW, but the room temperature plunges fifty degrees if I do it when she's at home. She admits that video games are probably a lot of fun, but refuses to play them on the grounds that there's work somewhere to be done. Some people--some perfectly good people--are simply like that.
And some people are offended by pure amusement that results in no useful finished product, or in practical side benefits such as exercise. My entire extended family by birth & my marriage CAN'T see mine & my brother's love of video games as anything but infantile and immoral, and can't fathom why it should command respect--and to someone who has those the assumptions, you can't really explain why. Sometimes you have to settle for slightly tense toleration, and get in what game time you can while you're alone.
MadMac10 Nov 16th 2009 2:30PM
First-- I believe perhaps why your thoughts are so lucid is because you keep whistling while you piss. Better stop that pronto!
Second--I believe you might come from a family with a strong protestant ethic, and there's obviously little you can do to overcome that (or you already would have, I'm sure.)
Third: you might try leveraging in some psycho-spiritual mumbo-jumbo to help. I tell my people that I am tracking in the dreamtime with my hunter. Every mob I slaughter is one impediment to enlightenment. Thankfully, WoW lore maps very well (i.e. Sargaras == Avalokitesvara.)
Jonathan Nov 13th 2009 9:34PM
I'm really trying hard to understand wtf you're talking about. But sentences like:
"Wife aggro is about balancing a relationship with a hobby that tantalizingly dangles one person physically in front of yet emotionally light years beyond the reach of the other partner."
Really confuse me.
Also, why is a female writing about waggro? We all know there is no such thing as haggro.
Fierna Nov 13th 2009 9:59PM
I am a huge fan of the savage love cast, Dan Savage's podacast about sex and relationships. Recently a guy called in asking whether he should dump his boyfriend who played WoW for hours every night and expected him to accommodate his raiding schedule. A woman called in the next week to share her experience with her boyfriend who expected her to accommodate his nightly raid schedule and also make meals for him around his raid schedule. her advice to the caller Dump the M&%$#@ F&@#&^!
Now... I'm a crazed WoW addict... but if you are dating someone who doesn't play the game you are going to have to make compromises if you want them to stay in your life. Saying "Can't hang out tonight after all hon, we're doing Heroics" will probably not be healthy for the relationship.
Kylenne Nov 13th 2009 10:54PM
I was JUST thinking about that podcast when I read this. I swear Dan is like xkcd, there is a column or podcast that will apply to like any situation. DTMFA is like my mantra.
I've loved him ever since my friends and I secretly giggled at his columns in the school cafeteria, even if his biphobia makes me cringe.
Rob Nov 13th 2009 10:19PM
Uh okay, I'm a wow addict, no problem admitting that. My wife lets me get away with alot of shit, but when she comes home I try my damnest to be with her.
Just remember this b.s. game will only last a few years more, while you have your whole life for a relationship. Your SO should always take precidence over the game or whatever. Its common for newlyweds to try and feel out stuff like this. If it came right down to it, what would you rather have, your new wife or playing a game? For right now she is saying she really needs you. Go man up, find some mutual hobbies, get some mutual friends, help her get friends and hobbies, at that point you can start playing wow again. She is saying she's really lonely without you and she doesn't know what to do when you are playing. So stop playing, and try to help her out. Remember relationship >>> wow.
Irem Nov 14th 2009 8:14AM
If he stops playing for a while without addressing what it is that makes WoW so threatening to her, rest assured that the problem won't be solved when he picks it up again. It reinforces the idea that WoW is "the enemy," something he sneaks back to as soon as he has her distracted.