Patch 5.2 interview with Dave Kosak
Inside an old alt's vault
The latest patch 5.2 news
All of the latest Mists of Pandaria newsDrama Mamas: Time to man up
by Robin Torres 
Nov 20th 2009 at 8:00PM
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we pretend to be a gender we're not. When we discussed boys playing girl characters before, we all pretty much agreed that it was cool as long as there was no deception involved. Roleplaying = yay. Experimentation = good. Hiding your true identity in a non-roleplaying environment = uh oh. Unfortunately, for One Big Liar, what began as experimentation and a wee bit of roleplaying evolved into a full-scale reputation for being a "real girl." Uh oh, indeed.
Dear Drama Mamas: I'm in need of some advice. I've played WoW for 2 years, first as a male Troll and now as a female Tauren. When I was playing as my Troll in the BC days there were no problems. However, since I started playing my Tauren female when Wrath came out, things have started to go awry. When I hit 80, I joined a new guild and started doing raids with them where everyone assumed I was female, like my toon was. Problem is, I'm not. I figured there wasn't much harm in not correcting them since I didn't have a mic at the time and figured this wouldn't get to be too big of an issue. However, now no matter where I go, guilds or groups or raids, everyone assumes I'm female since that's what I've never denied.
Now that I have a mic, this is a problem. They yell at me for not using it, but if I do they'll know I've been lying for the past year and I'm afraid I'd get scorned. This would also be the case with my guild and my friends.
Don't get me wrong -- I haven't been using my pretending to be female to get anything from anyone. I've acted like myself just throwing in some things that aren't associated with my gender. I just wanted to explore the idea. I'm wanting to use my mic and just get honest with everyone, but I'm afraid I'd lose friends, my guild and trust. So should I just keep up the facade or come clean? If the second option, any suggestions on how to do it nicely? Thanks, One Big Liar
Drama Mama Robin: Liar, you need to man up -- pun intended. You are tired of the facade and somehow it's going to get out... it always does. No matter how nicely you put it, however, there are going to be bad feelings about your deception. Here are some tips:- Start small: Tell your closest online friends first, then your guild leadership.
- Don't get defensive: Because you threw in some things not associated with your gender, you did encourage the facade. So take your lumps and apologize.
- Accept your punishment: Your guild leaders may gkick you, put you on probation or be content to just mock you mercilessly. If it's the mocking, be thankful they are doing it to your face.
- See the humor: Your situation is funny. If you laugh along with everyone, you'll be able to get over the embarrassment much more quickly.
- Give it time: No matter how unbearable you may find the scorn and ridicule of the first few days, it will pass. There is always bigger drama on the horizon, you just need to wait it out. If you find that the repercussions of your lie are just too much for you to bear, you can always change your realm (and name) and start fresh someplace else. But, as long as you're telling the truth that you didn't compromise anyone with your gender-bending, people will get over this and so will you.
Drama Mama Lisa: As Robin said, your guild very well could freak out over this. Honestly, though? Don't build this up to be bigger than it really is. What about our old friend, humor? In a bubbly falsetto: "Now that I finally have a mic, it's been brought to my attention that some of you good people think I'm a female IRL, so I've been advised to keep things comfortable by carrying on my buxom Tauren persona."
If anyone seems seriously taken aback, try the real deal: the truth. Admit that your female persona was a simple misunderstanding that evolved into an intriguing experience for your Tauren character. Make it clear that you never sought to trick or bilk anyone. Explain how the situation became more awkward and embarrassing than it was interesting, over time, and that you became more comfortable simply allowing the issue to slide.
The clincher in this situation is giving your guildmates a reason to welcome the male version of you. Show them what you really are: an open, personable guy who enjoys this guild so much that he's ready to take the next step and get real. Say that outright, and show them that you mean it. I think you'll enjoy the results – the bonds of online friendships are one of the true joys of MMOs like WoW.
Drama Mamas Drama-Buster of the Week
Are you a non-officer annoyed by a new guild recruit? Just bite your tongue, turn your tolerance up to 11 and wait a couple weeks. Turnover during the app process tends to be pretty high for most guilds. No need to cause a ruckus over someone who ends up being a short-timer. Chances are, he or she is annoying others too and the situation will just take care of itself. Also, new recruits are often a bit anxious to fit in and try too hard at first. The guildnoob may turn out to be just fine after a settling down period. If the problem is still a problem after a decent waiting period (2 to 3 weeks), then you can try to deal with it. Otherwise, you don't want to be that grump who never seems to get along with the new guys, right?
Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at DramaMamas (at) WoW (dot) com.Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, WoW Social Conventions, Virtual selves, Drama Mamas
Reader Comments (Page 2 of 5)
Noctune Nov 21st 2009 7:11AM
*true true*
My first charater in Wow was a femal NE Priest and since i mostly played with close friends i had to take some mockering... my best replies was - Hey im going to play this game for quite some time is it better i look at a small hairy dwarf ass or nice slender femal ? ;-)
anyway I have noticed another thing. Names somtimes get ppl confused.
on started a human mage and named him Antonius i feelt it was a nice mageish name for that time. and suddenly i get alot of wispers in Italian. (this was back when the server i was playing on was High pop) anyway it was so anoying getting weird messages that i didn't understand that i even stoped playing him.
my tip be Honest, be prepared - you should have an agenda ready what you want to say and how you want to say it. Have you tricked anyone? if not then you could play it cool and play as mentioned above "What? didn't you know i was a guy? i though you where joking". If you have been fooling someone then i recomend you to come clean with that person first before everyone else. Most ppl are very understanding. After all its just a game.
thevitruvianman Nov 21st 2009 9:08AM
Getting whispers like that is what put me off ever rolling another female character ever again. I actually have a little story about it....
Several years ago, before I got into WoW, I used to play Lineage 2. In that game the races each have their own different classes so if you want a certain class, you have to play a specific race. I ended up rolling a dark elf character, and the choice was either have a skinny, androgynous emo-looking male, or a dark, sultry temptress with a penchant for extremely revealing attire. Naturally I chose the female.....
However, I was soon made to regret this. Whilst merrily grinding away one day, I got an unwelcome whisper. 'Hey baby, you're hot' it said. At this point I sighed to myself and sent a message back 'I'm a guy in RL, mate.....'. I was not prepared for the next response however, and could only look on in horror as the mysterious harasser whispered me back.... 'So? don't be so uptight ;)'
Now I am not homophobic by any means, but this was a little too close for comfort to me. I thought I'd just made a purely aesthetic decision when I rolled that character, but I quickly realised what a crazy world of gender-bending I'd got myself into, and I was having none of it. I quickly re-rolled as a male character and I've never looked back since then!
Angus Nov 21st 2009 10:38AM
Did you had to go on a 3 a.m. ice cream run when she was pregnant too?
You'd think clerks would be used to seeing semi-awake men in Dr. Suess pajama bottoms wearing flip flops buying chocolate chip-mint ice cream and peanut butter during a snow storm...
On vent the first thing I hear when I key up is "Why do you play a female BElf tankadin?"
"I wanted a manlier Paladin. That excluded the male blood elfs."
philip Nov 21st 2009 10:41AM
Thats just what i do to female toons i sespect a guy playing." You are one sexy belf" or something similar. I just love to see what they responses. I know for a fact those comments made me want to trow up. I dont know if you enjoy that attention then you might be a gay your self you just dont know it.
For my self i just hate paying female toons, why, because everyone assumes that i am female which im not. and that is just makes me feel creepy.
Hairfish Nov 20th 2009 8:34PM
The first word you utter into your mic should be a deep, resonating, "MOOOOOOO."
Reuben Nov 20th 2009 8:55PM
I've come back to this page several times just to re-read that.
Turlagh Nov 21st 2009 6:35AM
No. It should be... "The first words you UDDER..."
Nina Nov 23rd 2009 6:20PM
Seeing as female tauren have the manliest voices in the game...
blacklamb Nov 20th 2009 8:36PM
This kind of thing makes me angry, even if "One Big Liar" didn't go into this fully intending to decive. These kinds of stunts make it even harder for women to be taken seriously in an environment that can already be hostile to us.
I just really started raiding this xpac, and until recently I've been jobless due to a layoff and haven't had the expandable funds to buy a microphone. I've run into my fair share of "friends" and guildmates that have talked behind my back and inisted I must be lying about my sex because I don't own a microphone. Obviously not using a mic means I'm really a guy and am am afraid of being exposed, in their minds. Of course, if people start believing this, they start to doubt my character as a person and probably wonder why I'd front as a woman when I'm really not.
Being called a liar over something as simple as gender is really annoying. I've just stopped bothering to tell guildmates I'm a girl, and deal with being called "dude" and referred to as "he/him" because I don't need the grief and lies spread about me.
Adrya Nov 20th 2009 8:57PM
If you think this guy has caused problems for women, then I really don't see your point. I am a female WoW player, but people know me and like me because of how I play and who I am, not because of my gender. You say stunts like this make it difficult for women players, I but it's the attitude that you expect to be looked down on that causes problems. Who cares what gender you are. Can you play the game? Do you have a decent personality? If so, then go have some fun.
Kylenne Nov 20th 2009 9:41PM
@ Adrya: That's kind of adorably naive, to put it generously. The fact is, you will be looked down upon being a female gamer, whether you "expect" to be or not. Period. No, not by every dude, or even most dudes, but there is a sizable troglodytic contingent in the gaming community, and specifically in online gaming, who haven't left their kindergarten treehouse days behind them. Play long enough, and you'll run into them, no matter how much a certain subset of female gamer pretends they don't exist. I've been gaming longer than some WoW players have been alive, and the same little boys that kicked the cabinet and threw tantrums when I destroyed them at Street Fighter 2 grew up to hang around /b/ and spam Trade with "there's no girls on the internet" jokes.
The point is not whether or not it goes on. It does. The point is that any snot-nosed 13 year old mailbox /dancing nelf or bong water-drinking manchild who would refuse to take a player seriously simply for being female is several cards short of a full deck to begin with, and not worth being upset over.
Karilyn Nov 20th 2009 9:52PM
@blacklamb
@Kylenne
Join a guild of adults?
It's not really anybody in particular picking you out for being female. Let's be honest, the vast majority of WoW's population is made up of immature rude children. There's no real secret about that.
It doesn't really matter that I'm a woman, they'd be just as bratty if I was a man. I have the option not to play with people I don't want to, and build a community around mature adults, and I take that option.
I've been tanking as a female tauren warrior for years, with no problems, tanking better than most men out there. And nobody (that I give a damn about) has a problem with me, because I don't allow drama to congregate around me.
Moonkinmaniac Nov 20th 2009 10:00PM
@Kylenee
Calling someone "Adorably naive" is actually rather sexist. My suggestion would be to apologize like a man. You can disagree and make your point, but try not to act like those you are so ranting against.
Thanks
Shade Nov 20th 2009 10:43PM
@Kylenne
I like to, every now and again out of nowhere, pipe up on /trade with a 'Girls don't play WoW'. And then I time how long it takes for indignant girls to go 'I'M A GIRL AND I PLAY'
Usually it's less than 30 seconds. Every. Single. Time.
:D
(ps I'm a girl and I don't give two shits what people say about it, I still stomp them on the dps meters)
ecwfrk Nov 20th 2009 10:46PM
If you think it's tough being a girl, you should try playing WoW as a "snot-nosed 13 year old".
Oh, and "There's no girls on the internet" is the male version of "All the good men are either married or gay".
The real fact is, in games, on the internet, and in life you will be looked down by other people no matter your age or gender. Age and gender are just easy fodder for such attacks. If they can't get you for being a kid or a woman they'll call you gay, a noob, insult your mother, or find some other way to attack you.
You aren't special, everyone gets crapped on by other people. The difference is that people like Adrya understand that they aren't being attacked for who they are, but because of what the person doing it is. A jerk. And jerks come in both genders.
For instance, there was this one girl who would beat guys at Street Fighter 2 and then sit around chanting "You got schooled by a girl! If you spent more time playing with a joystick at the arcade then you do in the bathroom you wouldn't suck little boy!" She made all the guys kick the cabinets and throw tantrums because she was such a tool...
Brownb Nov 21st 2009 9:09AM
Okay, but In all seriousness y'all, everyone knows chicks don't play WOW...
Dan Nov 21st 2009 4:38AM
@ Kylenne
You used "troglodytic contingent" in a sentence. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you've spun yourself into a fit by thinking about it way too much? Ruminating would be the word I'd use for what this looks like.
You take anything related to your gender way too personally. And @blacklamb: I don't suppose it ever occurred to you that the people who call you a liar... are joking.
Sinthar Nov 23rd 2009 9:29AM
My God, females with chips on their shoulders or what?
Sorry to seem insensative, but WTF??? In my job as IT - the head honco - is a woman. The guild i raid with - lead by a woman. I suggest you forget what all 'the other people' must be chatting about behind your backs, and get on with life. If their so sad and lame they can only chat about you, forget em.
As i said when i was raid leader - and talking about a dragon, i kept saying she. One member of the raid kept saying ' its a he'. My response 'im not planning on shagging it - just killing it so does it really matter?'. Same in all the mmo. I have no plans to meet and have any type of sexual encounter with people from my guild/server, so does it really matter if x is male or female? And does it matter if y thinks they arnt, or gay?
The whole point of 'x is a poorer player cos shes female' is completely moot and usually only addressed by those who are below sexual maturity. Lets face it - if they dont think your female, cos of your mic is broken, then surely that is conversly saying your gaming as good as any mans (in their eyes at least)?
Personally i think there is a difference in gameplay between a male persons toon and a females. Generally i find women easier to get along with. Thats about it. Difference in tanking, dps or healing? Nothing. I dont care what sex you are, if you can mash the correct button when not standing in bad stuff - then you can raid with me.
Oh and one last point (and yeah im probably gonna be downrated to oblivion with this one). I notice it WOMEN who once again bring up the 'we have it harder cos of our sex' line. A tired old line i disagree with (as do many women i game with). Its the women who THINK they are looked down on because of their sex, that usually give the other women players a bad name imo. And they normally say that as it CANT be them not actually performing in raids, can it? Its hard to give advice to someone with a chip on their shoulder - if your trying to help and the 1st reply you get it 'its COS IM A WOMAN ISNT IT YOU MALE CHAUVENIST', even when you have no idea of gender and were trying to help them actually be better.
Please note that this comment is directed at SOME people only - there are a lot of good female players out there - and i hope i havent offended them. Howevere this is aimed at the 'prima donna' set of female players - and i hope they learn something and become more reasonable, and happier.
Duulket Nov 20th 2009 8:42PM
@One Big liar
We have several males in my guild that play female toons. When I first heard a male voice from a female toon in vent it took me by surprise at first(because honestly the thought never crossed my mind) but after the first few times of hearing them over vent it became second nature to relate the male voice to the female toon.
If you truly were not trying to pull a fast one, use your toon name and speak up. You will get asked why you play a female, just tell them the truth. If they ask why you did not mention it sooner, just tell them you became embarrassed about it over time. No big deal.
To be humorous as the Mamas suggest man up to being a man. Speak up and take it like a man and all that other manly stuff.
Jenn Nov 25th 2009 12:39PM
In my experience, most people tend to believe I'm a dude regardless of the fact that my character is female. I don't correct them either, mostly because I that you are immediately treated differently when you're found to be an actual female irl. Suddenly you're supposed to be chatty and give insight into some odd female behavior that I probably don't even understand. I never identify myself as a female on guild apps or anything and even my current guild who "interviewed" me extensively over a two week period didn't know I was a dame until my first night raiding with them when I got on vent.
As long as you haven't perpetuated the idea that you're female, and that identity is a result of an overall assumption I don't see the problem.