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All of the latest Mists of Pandaria newsDrama Mamas: When a partner wanders astray
by Lisa Poisso 
Nov 28th 2009 at 4:00PM
The internet is a hotbed of faux-mance. Other players seem infinitely more fascinating and attractive than the very real partners sitting just across the room, when seen through the lens of fevered imaginations. Add the spice of risqué chat, the attraction of regular time spent together and a dash of Vent and IMs, and you have the makings of the beginning of the end. Infidelity is an ugly subject, and the Drama Mamas think it's best to deal with it in the same manner we advise handling other problem situations: head on, with respect and with firmness.
Dear Drama Mamas: Hi, I am a wife and mother who plays WoW. I started playing with my husband over two years ago. I am a stay-at-home mom, so during nap time and after the kids go to bed for the night, I play. My husband plays when he gets home from work until he goes to bed. The raiding guild me and my husband are in is very family-friendly and is full of husband-and-wife teams.
Earlier this year, we had a large group of players join the guild (which me and my husband are officers of). I befriended one of the female players when she and her friends joined after her husband joined. We became fast friends. We talked about our kids and even became friends on Facebook. She never really grouped much with her husband; it was just mainly me and my husband and some of her friends. As we became better friends, she confided in me about the issues between her and her husband.
Now, me and my husband had been having our ups and downs, like any healthy couple, and I had noticed that he was acting different after we talked or argued about something. I brushed it off, thinking that, I don't know, he was just tired or something. And I then noticed that he and she were spending a lot of time together in game and on Vent. At first, I didn't think anything about it. But after a month or so, I started to fell weird about it, and I told him. I said I really feel weird about the time you are spending with her. I mean, he was staying up later then he used to, much later, and was always in Vent when before he was only in Vent when we did a raid or a five-man. He told me that he understood and that he would try to keep it down and that it didn't mean anything, that they and us were all friends. Well, I brushed it off for a week or so, thinking I was just being crazy.
And then I noticed after another month that I was getting left out of the groups, and for some odd reason, she just kinda only talked to me when she wanted to know something. I again went to my husband and said this time I feel uncomfortable about it, and I didn't know really what their relationship was but I didn't like it and I wanted it to stop and just be game-related stuff. Since we are officers, I didn't want him to just ignore her. Well, things changed for a bit, and then it got really weird. I noticed that he was spending more time outside before he came in after work and that he wasn't calling me as much. I brushed that off as a rough work week over and over again. LOL
Well, one day I happened to go to his computer to do something with his character and noticed a whisper from her, and I was floored. I knew then what was going on. They were talking on the phone with each other every day. I checked phone records, and lo and behold, he had been talking and texting her for months. I was heartbroken.
I did not say anything to him until the next day. I just was so upset. I told our guild leader that I was taking a break from game and I would let him know when I was coming back. I then told my husband this the next day. He wanted to know why and I told him. We yelled at each other and we talked for hours. I told him it needed to end. He said he would end it the next day; I said no, tonight. So we went together to his computer and he ended it. She ask if she needed to leave the guild and we both told her no, that we didn't want to hurt the guild by her leaving.
And here is my question or questions. Do you think I did the right think by not asking her to leave or not leaving myself? Or how do I get over something like this? They never were physically together. We live thousands of miles apart. This was just over the phone and the computer. But they did share things with each other that should have been meant for only me. I was very hurt by this. And since I found out and he ended the affair (that is what I call it), she has been really mopey in guild and raids. They do not talk anymore on the phone, and in game, it is only guild- and raid-related stuff. But she is still stuck on him, and she is almost 10 years older then him. I don't understand what I need to do about this. I was just wondering how you would handle this kind of situation. I would love to know what other WoW women would do if they found themselves in this jam. Please help! Brokenhearted Raider
Drama Mama Lisa: I am so, so sorry to hear of your troubles. I think it might help to step back for a moment and review our advice from Wife aggro two weeks ago. As with Aggrowifed, whose new wife was feeling threatened by his play schedule, World of Warcraft isn't really the root of your problem. You probably already know this -- so you have to also realize, then, that the solution won't be found there, either.It's not fair to anyone involved for the three of you to face one another regularly in your guild. This isn't about keeping up appearances or making concessions; it's about throwing a life preserver to your marriage in a murky sea where your husband is already sinking fast. By failing to end this affair after months of repeatedly being confronted about his behavior, your husband has already shown that he's unable or unwilling to moderate his contact with the other woman.
It's time for you and your husband to take a WoW holiday. If you think that continuing to spend time playing with your husband would be helpful to your relationship, you could try transferring or re-rolling on another realm. Since this affair has spread beyond the game's borders, however, it's not much protection from the other woman. She already knows plenty of ways to get in touch with your husband. You can bet that she'll find out where you've transferred, if she really wants to know. Best to simply make a clean break from the game. You and your husband need a new dynamic and fresh ways to relate to one another right now. Ultimately, the time you've been spending in WoW would be better spent in counseling and in pastimes that are exclusive to your partnership and family, working on getting your marriage back on track. Best of luck, Brokenhearted. Stay strong.
Drama Mama Robin: Brokenhearted, I really feel for you and you are not alone. This story is as old as online communication. Before MMOs, before chat rooms, there were BBSs. People with modems have been surreptitiously carrying on affairs while appearing to be busily working/playing at their computers for more than 20 years. Before WoW, it happened to a very close friend of mine in EQ -- she made me search the chat logs to confirm her suspicions. It was a painful experience for all of us.
I think it is important to face the harsh realities of your situation, so I'm going to be blunt and I'm sorry if it hurts.
Online romances are intoxicating. It feels like the minds are meeting and directly communicating intimate thoughts and feelings -- without the distractions of physical imperfections, unpleasant smells and annoying mannerisms. And the participants who are in committed relationships with others rationalize their behavior with "it's not cheating if we don't touch." You call it an affair because it is an affair. People can argue that they didn't have physical sex and therefore didn't cheat all they want. But the fact is that he spent time, resources and emotions on another woman in the place of spending these things on you.
So I ask you, what if the three of you belonged to a softball team or poker club together instead of playing WoW? Would you still be attending those functions and enabling interactions between those two? I know that physically seeing her would be harder than the virtual interaction, but the principle is the same. She is going to keep tempting your husband and even if he is now completely trustworthy (with the woman he was untrustworthy with so recently), he still will have the stress of having to constantly turn down her advances.
As Lisa said, this isn't a WoW issue. Though it happened in Azeroth, it wasn't caused by the game. But to answer your question, I highly recommend that you sever all contact with this woman. Unfortunately, even if you get her to leave the guild and you both put her on ignore, she can always get on an alt and whisper your husband that way. In fact, she's probably doing that already. So you need to decide whether you want to get her to leave the guild (risking alt contact) or transfer/reroll on another server without telling her or any of her friends where you are going.
There are many successful marriages that have survived a straying spouse and many horrible marriages that have never undergone cheating of any kind. I hope that you are able to achieve happiness again, whether you are able to work things out with your husband or not. Regardless, life is too short to allow that woman any more influence on your mental well-being. /hug
Drama Buster of the Week
If you've finally talked a friend into playing WoW, give it up and spend some time playing with him. Give him some bags and a five-spot to get started, and be available to answer questions via /whisper while he works out the basics. Once he starts gaining a little ground, try to block out time once or twice a week to play together. Cover his butt when he's ready to hit Hillsbrad. Offer to run him through Scarlet when he's high enough to get the quests. Invite him to five-mans when he finally dings 80. Your circle of friends just got a little tighter – enjoy!
Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at DramaMamas (at) WoW (dot) com.Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Virtual selves, Features, Drama Mamas
Reader Comments (Page 3 of 5)
crinias Nov 28th 2009 9:32PM
You sir, have nailed exactly what must be done.
It is unfortunate that marriages go through rocky patches, but if it wasn't so, maybe the good things in them (kids, happiness) wouldn't be worth it. However, they are married. They must surely realize what is happening, lest they be prey to ignorance and its consequences.
Where ignorance and secrets dwell, the truth is like a sobering blade- and I wish I could write poetry just so I could express what I am trying to say. However, I am too late. Someone greater has shown them the path (you). They must walk it (hmm that sounds cheesy).
Anyway, I sincerely hope they can overcome their problems.
Kradik Nov 28th 2009 5:29PM
@Mr. Angry
Please refrain from reading this column if real life offends you.
WoW is just a game, but it is played by real people.
@Drama Mama's
Kudos to you Drama Mamas for answering this in column as I am sure that it addressed more than Brokenhearted's concerns.
I love your column and your frank and honest advice.
Keep those columns coming!
David Nov 28th 2009 5:53PM
Problem the first: Husband's a dirty liar. Given that he's apparently lied to Brokenhearted's face repeatedly about this woman, no half-measures are going to work here. Move to another server? No, it's absurdly easy for him to let woman #2 know where they're going so she can make an alt there. Same for kicking her out of the guild. That's not going to solve anything, because it in no way hampers his getting in touch with her.
The core problem of this guy treating his wife like garbage is what needs to be amended, not inconsequentials like this other woman being in their guild.
On the other hand, this other woman is equally complicit in deceiving Brokenhearted and being telephone cuddle-buddies with her husband, and if there isn't a better reason to kick someone out of your guild, I'm not sure what it could be.
Hasha Nov 28th 2009 6:11PM
Being in a relationship does not mean that you are not allowed to have no close friends,
or no close friends of the other gender, I mean what century do we live in?
I am really shocked at the middle-ageian view of you. You don't "own" your partner.
If all she does in live is being at home and playing WoW and all he does is work and play WoW isn't it natural that they want to meet new persons?
David Nov 28th 2009 6:13PM
'Close friends' aren't busy doing their best to hide all of their correspondence from their spouses.
paul Nov 28th 2009 6:21PM
While I agree with you that its ok for people to have other close friends outside marrige, I think they should be just that.
Close friends, not extremely close, intimate passionate friends. I get from the article that they were a lot more than close friends.
Kylenne Nov 28th 2009 11:20PM
Hasha, I'm going to be a bit ageist and suggest that kind of mentality is typical of folks without much life experience. There is a difference between having close friends of the opposite gender when you're in a committed mono relationship, and putting yourself in potentially dangerous situations. One can have close friendships with people of any gender, but certain behavior just is not appropriate. There is something called the appearance of impropriety. As I said to the previous commenter who said something similar, you don't have any business engaging in the kind of communication this woman's husband was when you are married and monogamous. Going alone in vent channels, calling on the phone and texting the way the husband and this other woman were is inappropriate, period. Is that unfair? There's a lot of things that single folks can do that committed monos can't. That's part of being faithful to the commitment you made to your partner. Appearance of impropriety, people.
I am a bi poly woman, and unfortunately in many people's minds that erroneously translates to "homewrecking whore", so I am extra careful with my own behavior around the married/mono people I am friends with. Which, frankly, more folks regardless of gender, orientation or relationship style need to be.
Tseran Nov 29th 2009 12:21PM
@Kylenne: You hit that on the head. There is definitely a problem with the attitude of most people not understanding that you can have a close friend of the opposite gender, and not be cheating. As you said though, this one went too far. The big problem here isn't so much the attitude or the reaction she had. The problem is that he was keeping things from her.
I know how the allure of an online female friend can be intoxicating, and it can be dangerous to engage in those kinds of things. I know how easily it can be pushed into RL, and how easily you can delude yourself into thinking it's okay just because it's online, or just because it's on the phone. You have to ask yourself: Would you feel comfortable if your partner was present for all communication between you and the other person? If the answer is no, then you need to re-examine the relationship you have with that other person.
And @Hasha, it has nothing to do with backwards attitudes. While those are a problem, the big problem here is that he was keeping things from her. As anyone who has been in a poly relationship before knows, if there is no communication between partners, it will end badly. No one owns anyone else. No one can force you to do anything. But if you make a promise like marriage to someone, you are sharing your lives together. But if you aren't sharing the private parts of your lives, you aren't doing much of sharing, and that promise is pretty worthless, and that right there shows you can't trust them.
Let me share a little story with everyone. Some years back, when I was living with my ex-girlfriend, we had some problems, both in the relationship due to differing work schedules and the apartment itself. The air conditioning was not working at all, and no matter how many times we called maintenance, they never seemed to fix it. So I set up the webcam to capture movement in front of it, and pointed it to the front door and where the AC unit was. We caught the maintenance guy just goofing off instead of fixing anything, and let the apartment managers know. But before this was all resolved, it also caught my GF and another guy. And trust me, from what I saw, it was not a platonic friendship, no matter how much my GF claimed it was before I saw this. After doing a little investigating it seems that instead of trying to work on the relationship, she decided to seek 'help' elsewhere when I was at work, and it had been going on for some time. Up until seeing that footage, I trusted her. Trust is a good thing, but only if the person you are trusting actually CAN be trusted.
Hasha Nov 28th 2009 6:13PM
"So you'd let your wife or girlfriend run around with some other guy, having intimate conversions, neglecting you in order to spend time with each other, and you'd be fine with it so long as they didn't touch each other?"
...Yes?
It's called trust, you know...
lockanon Nov 28th 2009 11:48PM
Let's put it in context then, Your significant other not only runs around with someone else, tells them intimate details, leaves you out in the cold to talk to this person and spend time with them, BUT THEY HIDE IT FROM YOU.
Trust is such a soft word nowadays.... it goes both ways.... one must earn trust and does so by not putting themselves in situations that test that trust. Pushing it to the brink of what might be acceptable is, in itself, unacceptable.
halophoenix Nov 29th 2009 12:31AM
Everyone says things like "it's trust, i'll take the high road and be better because I can trust my partner," until they betray that trust in a way that makes you feel like crap.
Good luck to you - it's all about how you define what's acceptable in your relationships, but most people don't have time for that kind of nonsense in their long-term relationships. We're not talking about kids in high school here, we're talking about people who are married to one another.
paul Nov 28th 2009 6:18PM
Wow, Drama mamas is a grat column.
Just wondering though, wouldnt there be a potentially bad knock-on effect to the guild, which could cause a few more problems? For instance, if the writer of the letter kicked the other woman out of the guild, then the GM might be annoyed, (maybe understanding and sympathetoc from a friends view, but alos annoyed from a GM and RL view) and it might cause more interruptions from other friends in the guild who maybe dont know about the affair or just plain dont think its a valid reason for a kick.
Also, does the other womans husband still play? Does he know about the affair? How does he feel about the affair?
Cathubodva Nov 28th 2009 6:22PM
I've been in a guild where our GM cheated on his wife with another member of the guild. It started out as PMs and texts then it actually turned into a physical one night when he went to NYC for a weekend.
Make no mistake, you can cheat emotionally as well as physically. And the letter writer and her husband need to get some real counseling that is going to address both of them w/o bias. If playing in a guild and being concerned about a guild is more important than their marriage , then more power to them. but looks like it's time to step away from BOTH of their computers and focus on the marriage.
halophoenix Nov 29th 2009 12:27AM
You make a really really good point here: you can cheat emotionally as well as physically: an online relationship full of private texts, secretive IM conversations, Twitter DMs, and private chats in WoW are all cheating. Some people may disagree - and that's fine, it's all about how you define cheating and what is and isn't acceptable and consensual in their relationships, but personally, I think that far more damage can be done over a long, long-distance emotional tryst than a forgettable one-night-stand.
selly Nov 28th 2009 6:48PM
Drama Mama's I commend you on a wonderful well written and thought provoking article.
I also, have been in a very similar situation. I'm a wife and a mother and I play wow. My husband does not as it doesn't interest him. Early on in the beginnings of my adventure I happen to meet someone who was new to wow also and we paired up and became friends. Soon enough, we were spending all our in-game time together and we leveled from 1 til 70 and raided. Over the course of a year things got more and more passionate and before I knew it, I thought I was in love and so did he and we emailed, talked on vent( we even had a bind set up so only we could hear each other even if we were in a chat channel with alot of other people). That moved onto a web cam viewing. We were happy, and all the while I was hiding this from my husband, he just thought we were friends.
After quite a few months, the pin dropped for my husband and he demanded to know what was going on. The ensuing discussion was not pretty and he then involved the other guys which again was not pretty even tho we lived thousands of miles away.
I was given an ultimatum.... leave my husband and be with the other guy, or stay with him husband and cut all contact. I chose the latter and I'm so thankful I did.
With that said, it doesn't mean I don't think about the "fun" times I had and that I don't miss chatting with him, but ultimately my marriage, the man I pledged my life and heart and soul to, is the man who comes first in my life. I had since transferred servers and I have learned a very valuable lesson.
Outis Nov 28th 2009 7:23PM
What is a "five-spot"?
JKWood Nov 28th 2009 7:44PM
I'm going to guess it's 5 gold.
samholt2710 Nov 28th 2009 7:28PM
Great column. Look forward to next installment. Very mature, enjoyable read.
Rhamona Q Nov 28th 2009 7:41PM
I'm wondering if the couples involved in this incident play in the same room with each other. It's difficult to hide tells and vent chat when your S.O. is 3-6 feet away. Much easier if one's on the desktop in the bedroom while the other's on the laptop in the living room.
I do agree that the couple needs to decide what's more important to themselves, their marriage or their guild. The answer to that question will determine whether their marriage will survive.
halophoenix Nov 29th 2009 12:28AM
When this happened to me, we were in the same room together.
Trust me, when someone's hell bent on something, especially cheating on you, they'll make it happen, and they'll find a way to hide it from you. They'll go out of their way to find new and creative ways to do it - ways you think that would probably make you stop and think about what you're doing, but by that time they've already rationalized it away to themselves.