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All of the latest Mists of Pandaria newsDrama Mamas: When a partner wanders astray
by Lisa Poisso 
Nov 28th 2009 at 4:00PM
The internet is a hotbed of faux-mance. Other players seem infinitely more fascinating and attractive than the very real partners sitting just across the room, when seen through the lens of fevered imaginations. Add the spice of risqué chat, the attraction of regular time spent together and a dash of Vent and IMs, and you have the makings of the beginning of the end. Infidelity is an ugly subject, and the Drama Mamas think it's best to deal with it in the same manner we advise handling other problem situations: head on, with respect and with firmness.
Dear Drama Mamas: Hi, I am a wife and mother who plays WoW. I started playing with my husband over two years ago. I am a stay-at-home mom, so during nap time and after the kids go to bed for the night, I play. My husband plays when he gets home from work until he goes to bed. The raiding guild me and my husband are in is very family-friendly and is full of husband-and-wife teams.
Earlier this year, we had a large group of players join the guild (which me and my husband are officers of). I befriended one of the female players when she and her friends joined after her husband joined. We became fast friends. We talked about our kids and even became friends on Facebook. She never really grouped much with her husband; it was just mainly me and my husband and some of her friends. As we became better friends, she confided in me about the issues between her and her husband.
Now, me and my husband had been having our ups and downs, like any healthy couple, and I had noticed that he was acting different after we talked or argued about something. I brushed it off, thinking that, I don't know, he was just tired or something. And I then noticed that he and she were spending a lot of time together in game and on Vent. At first, I didn't think anything about it. But after a month or so, I started to fell weird about it, and I told him. I said I really feel weird about the time you are spending with her. I mean, he was staying up later then he used to, much later, and was always in Vent when before he was only in Vent when we did a raid or a five-man. He told me that he understood and that he would try to keep it down and that it didn't mean anything, that they and us were all friends. Well, I brushed it off for a week or so, thinking I was just being crazy.
And then I noticed after another month that I was getting left out of the groups, and for some odd reason, she just kinda only talked to me when she wanted to know something. I again went to my husband and said this time I feel uncomfortable about it, and I didn't know really what their relationship was but I didn't like it and I wanted it to stop and just be game-related stuff. Since we are officers, I didn't want him to just ignore her. Well, things changed for a bit, and then it got really weird. I noticed that he was spending more time outside before he came in after work and that he wasn't calling me as much. I brushed that off as a rough work week over and over again. LOL
Well, one day I happened to go to his computer to do something with his character and noticed a whisper from her, and I was floored. I knew then what was going on. They were talking on the phone with each other every day. I checked phone records, and lo and behold, he had been talking and texting her for months. I was heartbroken.
I did not say anything to him until the next day. I just was so upset. I told our guild leader that I was taking a break from game and I would let him know when I was coming back. I then told my husband this the next day. He wanted to know why and I told him. We yelled at each other and we talked for hours. I told him it needed to end. He said he would end it the next day; I said no, tonight. So we went together to his computer and he ended it. She ask if she needed to leave the guild and we both told her no, that we didn't want to hurt the guild by her leaving.
And here is my question or questions. Do you think I did the right think by not asking her to leave or not leaving myself? Or how do I get over something like this? They never were physically together. We live thousands of miles apart. This was just over the phone and the computer. But they did share things with each other that should have been meant for only me. I was very hurt by this. And since I found out and he ended the affair (that is what I call it), she has been really mopey in guild and raids. They do not talk anymore on the phone, and in game, it is only guild- and raid-related stuff. But she is still stuck on him, and she is almost 10 years older then him. I don't understand what I need to do about this. I was just wondering how you would handle this kind of situation. I would love to know what other WoW women would do if they found themselves in this jam. Please help! Brokenhearted Raider
Drama Mama Lisa: I am so, so sorry to hear of your troubles. I think it might help to step back for a moment and review our advice from Wife aggro two weeks ago. As with Aggrowifed, whose new wife was feeling threatened by his play schedule, World of Warcraft isn't really the root of your problem. You probably already know this -- so you have to also realize, then, that the solution won't be found there, either.It's not fair to anyone involved for the three of you to face one another regularly in your guild. This isn't about keeping up appearances or making concessions; it's about throwing a life preserver to your marriage in a murky sea where your husband is already sinking fast. By failing to end this affair after months of repeatedly being confronted about his behavior, your husband has already shown that he's unable or unwilling to moderate his contact with the other woman.
It's time for you and your husband to take a WoW holiday. If you think that continuing to spend time playing with your husband would be helpful to your relationship, you could try transferring or re-rolling on another realm. Since this affair has spread beyond the game's borders, however, it's not much protection from the other woman. She already knows plenty of ways to get in touch with your husband. You can bet that she'll find out where you've transferred, if she really wants to know. Best to simply make a clean break from the game. You and your husband need a new dynamic and fresh ways to relate to one another right now. Ultimately, the time you've been spending in WoW would be better spent in counseling and in pastimes that are exclusive to your partnership and family, working on getting your marriage back on track. Best of luck, Brokenhearted. Stay strong.
Drama Mama Robin: Brokenhearted, I really feel for you and you are not alone. This story is as old as online communication. Before MMOs, before chat rooms, there were BBSs. People with modems have been surreptitiously carrying on affairs while appearing to be busily working/playing at their computers for more than 20 years. Before WoW, it happened to a very close friend of mine in EQ -- she made me search the chat logs to confirm her suspicions. It was a painful experience for all of us.
I think it is important to face the harsh realities of your situation, so I'm going to be blunt and I'm sorry if it hurts.
Online romances are intoxicating. It feels like the minds are meeting and directly communicating intimate thoughts and feelings -- without the distractions of physical imperfections, unpleasant smells and annoying mannerisms. And the participants who are in committed relationships with others rationalize their behavior with "it's not cheating if we don't touch." You call it an affair because it is an affair. People can argue that they didn't have physical sex and therefore didn't cheat all they want. But the fact is that he spent time, resources and emotions on another woman in the place of spending these things on you.
So I ask you, what if the three of you belonged to a softball team or poker club together instead of playing WoW? Would you still be attending those functions and enabling interactions between those two? I know that physically seeing her would be harder than the virtual interaction, but the principle is the same. She is going to keep tempting your husband and even if he is now completely trustworthy (with the woman he was untrustworthy with so recently), he still will have the stress of having to constantly turn down her advances.
As Lisa said, this isn't a WoW issue. Though it happened in Azeroth, it wasn't caused by the game. But to answer your question, I highly recommend that you sever all contact with this woman. Unfortunately, even if you get her to leave the guild and you both put her on ignore, she can always get on an alt and whisper your husband that way. In fact, she's probably doing that already. So you need to decide whether you want to get her to leave the guild (risking alt contact) or transfer/reroll on another server without telling her or any of her friends where you are going.
There are many successful marriages that have survived a straying spouse and many horrible marriages that have never undergone cheating of any kind. I hope that you are able to achieve happiness again, whether you are able to work things out with your husband or not. Regardless, life is too short to allow that woman any more influence on your mental well-being. /hug
Drama Buster of the Week
If you've finally talked a friend into playing WoW, give it up and spend some time playing with him. Give him some bags and a five-spot to get started, and be available to answer questions via /whisper while he works out the basics. Once he starts gaining a little ground, try to block out time once or twice a week to play together. Cover his butt when he's ready to hit Hillsbrad. Offer to run him through Scarlet when he's high enough to get the quests. Invite him to five-mans when he finally dings 80. Your circle of friends just got a little tighter – enjoy!
Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at DramaMamas (at) WoW (dot) com.Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Virtual selves, Features, Drama Mamas
Reader Comments (Page 4 of 5)
Christina Nov 28th 2009 8:19PM
This hits home really hard for me.
Some time ago, my husband had an online affair with a woman he met through his Arena team. Do you know how humiliating it is to not only type that out, but to find out that all of our guildies and teammates knew about it?
I don't blame them for not saying anything, no one wants to be involved in the drama of destroying a marriage. I do blame my husband for being so cowardly and weak minded as to allow it to go so far though. Just like Brokenhearted's spouse, he straight out lied to me again and again regarding this other woman. He made me feel like I was paranoid, oversensitive and unreasonable for feeling suspicious about them.
Emotional affairs hurt just as much, if not worst than purely sexual ones. It's doesn't have to cross the line to be physically sexual to hurt. When I read intimate emails about them sharing sweet nothings, details about their daily lives and deepest secrets you don't even know about like she was HIS wife....the pain had me weeping in a ball like a goddamn cliche movie scene.
The people here who try to dismiss Brokenhearted's situation as 'just talking' and 'she should just trust him' have no idea what they are talking about.
You can be a trustworthy person and it can be the most innocent friendship in the world (as it turns out though, it was not.) But the minute you completely dismiss and ignore your spouse's feelings to continue on with the activities that makes them uncomfortable instead of dealing with it, there is a big problem. To try to turn it into the fault of the hurt partner is naive and really plain asshole thing to do.
Brokenhearted has every right to ask that her husband cut off all communication with the woman for the sake of their marriage. If he is unwilling to do so, well then it's clear where his priority lies then isn't it? A video game guild will be the least of her worries.
halophoenix Nov 29th 2009 12:25AM
Agreed with every word. I've been there too (see below) and it's a horrible feeling, a horrible thing to go through. This is not "people just talking," that's BS - it's a betrayal of trust - the one thing that any relationship is built on.
Eindrachen Nov 28th 2009 8:36PM
People with nothing to be ashamed of don't normally hide chatting with game buddies.
Someone who goes from talking in Vent and game chat to talking/texting on their cell phone, AND hiding it? That's what we call a "sign", folks.
The truth is that while many of us here want to dismiss this as a non-WOW issue because it does, in truth, have RL roots, I have found that WOW is a natural drama accelerant. Problems that might take years to manifest, or never find an outlet to do so, often find a very easy and quick way to become real issues when filtered through the presence of an MMO.
WOW isn't the cause, but it is the stage on which these little dramas play out. And while it is easy to just say it doesn't affect you because it's just a game to you, that's just moronic. Guildwatch occasionally reminds us that real-life romantic drama can turn into ugly guild bank ninjaing and other poor, reprehensible behavior.
Burying your head in the sand doesn't actually stop approaching danger. It just makes you blind to it.
TotalFusionOne Nov 28th 2009 11:52PM
Drama Mama's has been my favourite weekly column on Wow.com for awhile and, while I respect and understand the position of the Mama's with having to judge the drama off of one side of a dysfunctional relationship, I have to put in my two cents about the situation.
"Cheating," if that's what this really turns out to be (Omissions like the one "Brokenhearted" left out about the tell can be anything afterall), rarely just happens. While "Brokenhearted" claims that the ups and downs in their relationship were normal, normal ups and downs don't lead to cheating.
But that wasn't really the question that was asked. It seems that BH just wants to know what she's supposed to do about her guild now, not what she should have done to help the relationship back when it could have been helped. And the answer is simple: Stop playing. Get out of the guild. Lose your accounts. Get into serious therapy or, best of all, separate.
You felt the need to submit a marital problem hiding under the guise of a WoW issue to a website where lots of people can view it and give you their sympathy. Your problems have to do with your maturity level, not a "Cheating" husband.
Chris Nov 28th 2009 8:49PM
Drama Mama's has been my favourite weekly column on Wow.com for awhile and, while I respect and understand the position of the Mama's with having to judge the drama off of one side of a dysfunctional relationship, I have to put in my two cents about the situation.
"Cheating," if that's what this really turns out to be (Omissions like the one "Brokenhearted" left out about the tell can be anything afterall), rarely just happens. While "Brokenhearted" claims that the ups and downs in their relationship were normal, normal ups and downs don't lead to cheating.
But that wasn't really the question that was asked. It seems that BH just wants to know what she's supposed to do about her guild now, not what she should have done to help the relationship back when it could have been helped. And the answer is simple: Stop playing. Get out of the guild. Lose your accounts. Get into serious therapy or, best of all, separate.
You felt the need to submit a marital problem hiding under the guise of a WoW issue to a website where lots of people can view it and give you their sympathy. Your problems have to do with your maturity level, not a "Cheating" husband.
Sivayla Nov 29th 2009 7:44AM
I don't normally comment here, but this truly warranted it. Absolutely regardless of her maturity level, which isn't even in question here, that justifies nothing about her husband's behavior. She could be the most immature, vacuous and inattentive nitwit this world has ever seen and it still would not justify his behavior. If she is what you imply she is, her husband should have sucked it up and either repaired his relationship with the woman he *married*, or seperated from her.
Regardless of what problems their relationship may or may not have had is a moot point. If you're unhappy, you fix it or you get out. Cheating, which is certainly what he did, only adds needlessly to the previous, under your assumption, drama the husband was "suffering". Case in point, you would like to assume she is immature. Whether she is or isn't, her husband's behavior brands him as more so. Especially since they have children together. So, please, don't try to paint him as doing anything other than what he did. Which is cheat, whether or not he actively had sex with this woman.
I don't think I need to iterate why it's still cheating, plenty of rational, intelligent people have done so before me.
zappo Nov 30th 2009 10:22AM
"Cheating" is sort of a vague term. But ask yourself is it still cheating if you're catching your wife driving to the hotel to hook up with a guy? How about if they've just made it to the bed and are still kissing? There's typically a lot of "on the way" to cheating, and if you know the score of how these things work, you know what happens after "the phone phase".
I agree that they really didn't answer the topic at hand, however it's rather justified in this case. It's like fussing with your hair when you've got a gunshot wound bleeding to death. You need to get your priorities strait. The guild is the least of the problems, and they are officers not the GM. Honestly I think the best decision would be for THEM to leave. You can't depend on others to take that personal responsibility, so do it yourself. Reroll on another realm. However as was stated it would be best just to take a break from the game in general.
I think him coming home from work and just playing the game until he goes to bed is another concern to be honest, but that's another topic. Maybe they should spend some time playing a game like Dragon Age together - single player game so they'll have to actually play it together, not just beside one another.
Rubitard Nov 28th 2009 9:18PM
So, in the lexicon of lame excuses, we've gone from "eatin' ain't cheatin'" to "tweenin' ain't cheatin'." Oy vey!
Rob Nov 28th 2009 9:26PM
Guess I've been around the block with this issue. To me there are two separate issues. Just friends and something more. Obviously this relationship was way out of whack, the guy shouldn't have gotten that intimate with the guildie. But to me, I think of the what ifs, I have a bunch of friends in game, some are female, some are even single females. I steer far away from any sort of intimacy with them because I am loyal to my wife, but still I want to have some friendships with these people, regardless of their sex, marital status, or even sexual preference (one friend/guildie is gay). I guess what I'm trying to say some friendships are okay, but I admit its a slippery slope. Dont cheat. Or if you do cheat, at least do it with someone in the same town so you get something physical out of it :) (kidding, really dont cheat, its not worth destroying a lifetime relationship for a fleeting pleasure)
Ayane Nov 28th 2009 11:25PM
Ugh...I think it ought to be said...
Men...are pigs.
>_
lockanon Nov 28th 2009 11:37PM
Such sexist crap....
Statistically speaking, women cheat more than men do. It has to do with communication problems in marriages, women (generally) respond to feeling neglected by seeking out someone who wants them and who will give them their attention, which then escalates. Men seek out thrills and the need to be needed, not any better, no, but not worse.... I'm so very sick of women summing up men as pigs; both sexes are guilty, don't place it all in our court.
Ayane Nov 29th 2009 12:05AM
You forgot one thing.
Society shames the woman who cheats....however when men cheat it's just 'his nature' or 'boys being boys' and such.
Tseran Nov 29th 2009 12:30PM
@Ayane: Drop the sexist crap. Men aren't pigs and women aren't martyrs. People are people, no matter the gender. Men and women BOTH cheat. As a man who was cheated on, and a son to a woman who was cheated on, I can say both genders cheat, and it is bad on both sides. Your attitude of men are all pigs will just leave you in the same situation as it did my mother, alone and bitter. If someone cheats on you, then deal with that situation, but the moment you let that situation dictate how you react to everyone else of the same gender is the moment you become trapped by it. If you can't move on past it and deal with everyone else fairly, then congrats, you are still letting him impact your life, even though the relationship is probably long gone.
Deadly. Off. Topic. Nov 30th 2009 2:27PM
Erm? Where are you getting those statistics from?
I'd like to see the proof that it's more women than men... to me, it would be equal - equal. One woman and one man... one of each, 50% -50% right there. (Unless you're also including gay couples, maybe? But then we're no longer in the man to female ratio but the same gender to gender ratio.)
Azure Dec 31st 2009 12:50PM
@Ayane
So your saying that when men cheat people just shrug it off as boys being boys and no big deal. If I understand your post, that was your point ... right?
I dont think the major news stories of the year actually back up your facts ... the men who have cheated have not been excused ... they have have lost most everything and been widely and CORRECTLY condemed for their actions. See Tiger (Cheetah) Woods, John Gosselin, Elliot Spitzer and many many more.
halophoenix Nov 29th 2009 12:23AM
This one hit home. Badly.
I wasn't married, but I was definitely in a very similar position. With someone I had dated for years, we were living together, we were planning to get married - and then all of a sudden she was showing less and less interest in our guild, our friends - showing less and less interest in raiding with us, playing with me (and I was the one who got her into the game - I actually picked it up for her as a Valentine's Day gift a while back - yes, that's how geeky we were) specifically, and while we had been going through some rough patches, I thought it was all managable - all reasonable things we could work through without too much of a problem.
I didn't think much when she rolled on another server, started playing with new friends, staying up really late on worknights after I went to bed to keep playing (I mean, who wouldn't if you had a raid? I understand!) and so on. Eventually I wound up stumbling onto her conversations with the other guy(s) the same way Brokenhearted Radier did. It's an indescribable feeling when you do find out - like the world just tweaked out of focus and your insides sink through the floor. Granted, by "stumble" I mean I went and checked - and while I'm not proud of invading her privacy (and she completely tried to absolve herself of her actions by virtue of the way she got caught) I'm glad I found out - because she had absolutely no intention of telling me, even if today she would say she did.
We had it out, just like Brokenhearted Raider - and we promised to work through it - she was going to end her affair, we were going to work on our issues, even see someone who would help. This is where my story and Brokenhearted Raider's part ways.
While I wanted to make this work, she apparently had no such interest in doing so. She kept getting distant, kept playing with her "new friends," and a few weeks later I discovered that she was still having an affair with another person - and that the nights she was late on her way home from work she was very likely seeing that person. In fact, the night I found out once and for all that there was someone else wooing her, telling her how much he wanted to marry her, and how horrible I was - pretty much everything he had to say to make her run from the hard realities of a long-term relationship and into the arms of the first person who'll tell her what she wanted to hear - she was very likely with him at the time.
I told her not to come home unless she was packing a bag, and that was the end of it.
The rest is history - both painful and powerful, I have to admit, but I hope beyond hope that Brokenhearted Raider and her husband get help. See a relationship therapist, commit to one another to work through whatever issues that led to this so they an be happier and stronger, and remember that it's not Brokenhearted Raider's fault by any means. The problem in their relationship isn't that "issues came up" or they "ran a rough patch," it's that her husband decided against dealing with it in an open an honest way and instead chose to be dishonest, betray her trust, and cheat on her.
Speaking from what experience I have, people who cheat, cheat - they're unlikely to have a change of heart that leads them to be faithful to someone when times get hard when they know that they have the easy out of running to someone shiny and new and willing to make it all better instead of making them deal with a grown-up relationship with grown-up issues. But I know that's not always the case and it's short-sighted to say so. I really wish them the best, and definitely wish them better than I went through.
I hope we see a follow-up someday where we hear BrokenHearted Raider and her husband are doing well.
noeticist Dec 1st 2009 11:51AM
I just wanted to say that basically the exact same thing happened to me, with a few tweaks. Only it was my wife, not my long term girlfriend. And the guy in question actually visited us a few times, and slept on my couch (with me desperately trying to ignore the signs staring me in the face). I could tell a lot more creepy crawly disgusting stories, but I won't.
It started with the rerolling on another server, or at least that's what first clued me into something. And inevitably continued from there. It sounds like Brokenhearted Raider may have caught it in time...let's hope they get into couples therapy, and BOTH take it seriously (my *ex*-wife stormed out of our one and only therapy session, 10 minutes into it).
James Nov 29th 2009 3:13AM
Real life relationship troubles? Possible financial uproar and kids in disarray? What do you do?
Ask the wow blog -_-
halophoenix Nov 29th 2009 3:48PM
Let's be clear: when you're in a bad place in your life, you want to ask anyone who'll listen for help. Sometimes you don't have anyone else you can talk to - sometimes you don't have anyone else you trust - and sometimes you just want to hear from someone you haven't heard from before who'll just tell you what you want to hear.
I don't fault this person for writing this in one bit. Belittle it as much as you like, but they probably really wanted a fresh voice in their lives.
Kadamon Nov 29th 2009 4:00AM
'Eh...
For those people that believe that this wasn't cheating because there was no actual meeting and physical contact between each other, you might want to re-read that and read between the lines.
Once you're done that, remember the definition of 'cyber' on the internet.
'Intimate' conversations when refered to in this kind of situation are like that.
He was cheating on her with in an internet affair, those things usually snowball and it was a good thing she caught it.
However, yeah...the guild is the least of her worries and I think she and her husband need to get off the game for a little bit and spend more time together, physically.
Seriously. Go on a date again.