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12-03-2009 @ 1:39AM
Reading everything so far especially the article brings me to struggle to hold back tears from rolling down my face... I wish I could have had the experience of being able to share with the mother of my children a special bond like the one you had in that mainly married or couples guild. In a very fast past world with access to internet everywhere, to be able to have a world in which you can bond and relate while the other is apart and together when possible to me is awesome. I think she (other woman) needs to not just leave the guild but go to another realm so she is not tempted again to whisper or vent and confide in officers that are already taken. I think that could be maybe a good rule to put in the game to try and stop tainting good game play.This is something that has happened to me in real life and I have three kids and one child from another father that I always considered as my own. That poor child has been being used to excuse all kinds of chaos between us. I never blamed him though, but unfortunately I have said some things due to his mothers encouragement to not respect me as the father of the house and give him special or different rules and obligations to respect, listen and obey my rules and guidelines. As a result I have betrayed my own integrity and lowered my standards to the ones I had been feeling like I had been mocked with for many years. None of which of what I have said gives me any excuse to turn rogue type idealism of eye for an eye an tooth for a tooth type mentality to him or her. Some of the things I have said and done however can never be taken back and have found myself at a loss for finding way's to apologise for despite my view of being the only one that ever needs to repent. I believe that in rare occasions such as this, you can not just go directly right back and say your sorry for something that has started to be a repeated mistake. You have to give them time and space and pray you get the chance to apologise at a time when they have been able to heal enough and think about what happened to even have the ability to believe that you are sincere. Words and excuses start losing any meaning to their validity the more you justify ones actions with the same reaction or response.With the mother of my children and love of my life... I do no think at this point that it can be repaired. Whether this is due to mistakes that I have made in the past or mistakes that she has made have no validity to my view of this belief and reality of judgement at this point. More of double standards and the repeated scene of her saying I never want to talk and work things out, turning into a one way conversation of me just not having the ability to shut the !@#$ up and let them vent their feelings with no regards to the facts belief all true or me being able to vent my side and to me that is not a conversation that is a degradation defamation of my character or even validity to what they are saying is how I feel about the situation. As for counseling she always agrees but never does anything to show any attempt to due anything but pacify me with words that have been overthrown by a sick opposite of actions being revealed in the end.My kids and I have been shown too much neglect and have been ignored far too long for me to have that kind of faith any more. I am federally disabled and have taken on the responsibility to protect and love the two children (6 months and 2 years old) I have been left with. I still struggle with my ability to ignore and not become a mocking bird of the partial lies that are I am being accused of. With my Father who art in Heave, I will survive however. My sadness has become so severe that I lack the ability to show any sadness or remorse or reaction to the situation any more.I had just been recruited into my first guild on the toon I first started with lately since she stoped coming home this last month and have been kinda surprised by the uplifting of my spirits without the drama mama soap opera even coming into conversations in order to achieve this somewhat bliss. Oh yeah, one more thing. She tried to say that I spent too much time on the computer and other things. So I tried stoping my art or computer actions or whatever I would be doing to see if this was true. To my disappointment, the result was the same. She would have her say, not let me respond, start yelling and accusing me for never listening or having any consideration to her feelings, then out the door. Hours started to turn into days and now she is getting her own place and she says it is none of my business where or what she does. Even though, I thought that if we were to be good parents, should both have, if not for us, for the children that she hardly cares to see. She can put the blame on me though even though it is not all my fault you see.In other news I changed computers to a different operating system called ubuntu and now I can not load the cd-rom in order for me to play... If anyone knows how to help with that maybe fixable issue please e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org or find me under facebook with the same address. Thank you all. It would surprise the hell out of me if anyone reads this all the way through... I just keep praying on getting the recources to be able to provide for my children and go back to college.
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