Drama Mamas: That Guy
by Robin Torres 
Dec 4th 2009 at 2:00PM
We all come across That Guy both in-game and in person. That Guy is a bit overzealous while watching sports, picks fights at parties and/or verbally abuses people when things go wrong in a raid. That Guy is the one who thinks emulating Tokyo Rose during Alterac Valley games is a good thing. In general, That Guy can be avoided or ignored, but what if your Significant Other turns into That Guy whenever he ventures into Azeroth? Feels Single In Game writes in about this very phenomenon.
Dear Drama Mamas, my conundrum comes from the other side of being a mama, which I am as well. My problem comes from playing with my husband. Let me first say, outside of the game we are a normal, happy couple and have been for years. We have both been playing WoW since vanilla. We started playing with friends IRL, but a couple of years ago, I wanted to see more end game content and left our guild we had with our friends to join a serious raiding guild.
Now let's skip a couple of years and a server transfer later. A core group of us mature players have transferred to a different server and my husband has come with us. He started raiding with us at the end of BC and ever since Wrath came out. Now for the last few months, he has become That Guy when we're playing together. We are both officers in our guild and run 10 man raids not only for our guild but also some 25 man pugs as well.
The last straw came last week when, we as a raid were having communication issues in an Ony 25 pug I was running. After one wipe, he literally told them to get the heck (not what he really said but you can guess) out of our vent and that everyone in the run was fail. Now I don't run my raids like that at all -- I try to find the issue and deal with it in a calm and supportive matter. I've been in too may raids where people think you have to belittle the raiders to get them to do what you need and it never works. He's been turning into That Guy in the raids as well as taking them over, shouting his frustrations in vent and spreading it to not only our guildies but everybody else in the raid. I don't want to call him out in vent so I tell him out of vent, and he'll bring that into vent. I have no idea how to handle this anymore. He's become That Guy... and I just want my husband back. Thanks for any advice. Signed, Feels Single In Game.
Drama Mama Robin: Single, first of all, be thankful (and I think you are) that in-game is the only time you see this behavior from your husband. Dealing with it in non-virtual situations is, of course, much worse. The Jekyll/Hyde phenomenon is not uncommon, however, and it's always interesting (and annoying) to witness the transformation. Here are some tips to deal with Hyde aka That Guy:
- Don't talk to him about it during the raid. He obviously can't handle it in Hyde mode. Discuss your concerns rationally when he is Jekyll, preferably before your next event.
- Don't accuse. This is big (and also difficult). You don't want to put him on the defensive, no matter how correct you are.
- Offer solutions. Hold regular raid-leadership meetings with him. Discuss each issue that popped up in the last raid with him and offer a different (better) way to handle it. If he is armed with a tactic other than verbal abuse going in, he is much more likely to use it.
- Be open to criticism. He may have legitimate concerns about how you handle some things during your raids. Try to keep an open mind -- if he's being constructive and not just retaliating.
- Put your foot down... gently. He needs to know that it undermines your ability to lead if he is butting in with his own form of discipline while you are running the raid. You lead, you discipline, and he advises. As with your children, a united front is a much more effective way to guide your group. All dissent should be handled behind closed doors, with the non-leader supporting the leader until the discussion can be had. As a parent, he will probably relate to that analogy.
- Try a little humor. Make up a nickname for him when he goes into Hyde-mode, to use for a little good-humored nudge. Preface his name with Anti- (like matter and antimatter) or come up with some other affectionate moniker to call him when he begins to throw a tantrum. Sometimes, we don't realize we're being bratty and just need a kind reminder when we stray into bad behavior. Be careful, however. Not everyone can take even kindly meant mockery. You know your husband best.
Depending on the receptiveness of your spouse and the sensitivity of your approach, this may be a long process. I am confident with the health of your relationship that you can get through this. Surely, you've tackled worse problems and perhaps that is part of the problem. He may have an "it's just a game" attitude. If you and your guildies lived geographically close, I would suggest a non-virtual get-together. But perhaps some kind of online webcam party would accomplish the same thing. If he thinks of your online playmates as real people, he may start to treat them better.Good luck and please let us know what happens.
Drama Mama Lisa: I'm not so sure I'd advise wading into the middle of this mess. This is going to go down a lot smoother if it's handled by another officer. Take it from me – I've seen my husband's nerves blow plenty of times in game. There's nothing I can say or do that has a more calming effect, though, than commiserating in a sympathetic chat on TeamSpeak or over lunch with another officer. And nobody needs to know that it was me who set those visits into motion.
That's not to say there aren't a few things you can do to help.
- Who else is noticing your husband's level of aggression? Discreet inquiries to the other officers and especially other raid leaders can help you pin down if and how much the situation is actually affecting your guildmates. It may look worse from your point of view than it actually is.
- Where is all this heightened stress coming from? Is this a case of outside stressors putting the squeeze on your husband's nerves? Or has ramping up his raiding sucked him into a spiral of needing to prove himself and the guild to be constantly bigger, better and badder at every possible (and impossible) turn? Helping keep work, other obligations and WoW in perspective on the home front will help him regain his balance.
Drama Buster of the Week
So. The Mohawk Grenades. I know Mr. T is cool and turning a bunch of people into Night Elf Mohawks is a novelty, but some of you are turning into Funsuckers with it. If you see people quietly clicking off their Mohawk buff, please don't take that as an invitation to throw another one. Just go find another group of victims and quit with the Mohawk spam.
Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at DramaMamas (at) WoW (dot) com.Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, WoW Social Conventions, Virtual selves, Drama Mamas
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
Sky Dec 4th 2009 2:11PM
This is the first thing that comes to mind:
http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2004/03/19/
elvendude Dec 4th 2009 6:56PM
When I read Penny Arcade, I actually use that page as my bookmark. =) It's useful so often!
zappo Dec 4th 2009 2:13PM
"Make up a nickname for him when he goes into Hyde-mode". - I'd advise against that.
(cutaia) Dec 4th 2009 2:27PM
"Be careful, however. Not everyone can take even kindly meant mockery. You know your husband best."
jrizutko Dec 4th 2009 2:32PM
Agreed. People with anger management issues don't generally respond well to cute nick-names.
It sounds like the husband really does have anger management issues, too. It may only be expressing itself in game right now, but stuff like that NEVER stays compartmentalized.
Moonkinmaniac Dec 4th 2009 2:37PM
Yeah I'd stear clear of that too, just make the dude take a break from WoW. Over emotiomalness(yeah probly not a word,but u get my drift) is a sign of a little something called addiction. Probably need less time in front of the pc.
Snuzzle Dec 4th 2009 10:42PM
Definitely has anger management issues. Personally I think this is a red flag for couple's counseling, because as was so rightly pointed out, this stuff NEVER stays compartmentalized and he is showing he is prone to this sort of behavior.
Moonkinmaniac Dec 4th 2009 2:22PM
Reroll husband imo if that starts happening out of game
(cutaia) Dec 4th 2009 2:30PM
"This [censored] counter isn't clean enough! You fail as a wife! This is the one time I actually want you to wipe something and you can't even do that right? Minus 50 DKP!"
Skonged Dec 4th 2009 3:26PM
Maybe the husband is considering re-rolling wife/girl friend/friend with benefits.
I would go with friends with benefits. No reason to get married.
Sehvekah Dec 4th 2009 7:26PM
"MANY WHELPS! NOW! HANDLE IT!"
"You handle it, they're *your* whelps too!"
"[CENCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED]!"
placebo Dec 5th 2009 10:31AM
No need to reroll husband, just beat the piss out of him and his car with a golf club.
wattles Dec 4th 2009 2:33PM
I had a similar problem in a guild that i was a co-gm. I was designated raid leader comming into Wrath. We began pugging Naxx25 on a weekly basis with about 15 regular guildies. The nice part was that about 5 to 8 of the puggs became somewhat regulars in the runds leaving only 2-5 "real-pugs." This allowed us to quickly get through fights with little or no explanations. On occasion we would have to pug more poeple. Enevitably those weeks were more difficult with more wipes on bosses like Thaddius or four horsemen because people didnt know what they were doing or because of lack or experience. As the weeks progressed and we became more geared and accustomed to the fights these "new" pugs became more and more annoying when they wiped the raid.
I became more and more aggrivated during raid times often chewing people out for repeaded mistakes while trying to keep the raid together. For instance, one time we brought a paladin healer into the raid on a reccomendation from another pug. The paladin was sitting at the bottom of the healing charts all the way up to four horsemen. We assigned him to keep a tank up who would be tanking the horsemen that we were not "burning down" right away. For some reason the tank died 3x in a row wiping the raid. When i confronted him as to why he could not keep the tank up (especially since paladins are by far best tank healers) he could not say. Then another guild member inspected his talents and he was healing in Tank Spec. At this point i went off. I didn't swear at him or anything, but i told him I had never seen anything like it! how can you expect to effectively heal a 25-man raid in tank spec? he replied "I heal 5-man's all the time in tank spec." At this point i told him to go respec NOW or he would be removed from the raid and replaced. He chose to go respec and after about 10 min he came back we defeated 4-horsemen.
This happened several times with silly mistakes and noob-ish players causing the raid to take far longer than it should. The guild began to start running alts and lower geared players through naxx10. We currently were clearing it with ease with the core group. Unfortunately that left out a good 5-10 others that didnt get good experience in Naxx. As we began to pull them along in Naxx they too made all of the "first time" mistakes. I had lost most of the patience that I once had for wipes in Naxx and began being rude / bulligerant to the lesser geared players. This went on for a few weeks before my co-guild leader pulled me aside and talked to me. He said that i should stop raid leading because It was making me mean. I agreed with him. I really enjoyed playing the game and for the most part was a very friendly person and fun to play with. That had changed in raids. My patience was gone and I was not a positive motivator for raids.
I chose to step down as raid leader and let another person lead the raids. I missed the ability to direct the raids and often will chime in with strategy, but it is nice to not have to discipline those who are slacking and can even slack off myself sometimes :)
Ultimately I left the guild about 6 months later for a more progression oriented 25-man guild running ulduar and now enjoy sitting back while the raid leader directs everyone.
In summary - if the game makes you a worse person, change the part that is making you that way. (the guild, the raids, even the game if neccesary).
side note: My wife even noticed that i was more on edge when i was raid leading - don't let the game negatively effect your rl relationships.
EZ Dec 4th 2009 4:31PM
i gave you a sympathy upvote just because you wrote so much
serf Dec 4th 2009 2:34PM
The first thing I thought of when I read this was the old pop-psycology "I feel _____ when you _____" in this situation it could be as simple as "I feel uncomfortable when you insult our raid members". It's simple, but can often be profoundly effective.
Sakirsha Dec 4th 2009 2:34PM
Are the raids still fun for him? Is he raid leading because he enjoys and is good at it, or is he raid leading because he's capable and you are there too? He might feel obligated to participate.
Avan Dec 4th 2009 2:35PM
I hate That Guy. I always just want to say, "shut up," and/or kick them, but you just know that would only make things worse. There is just no right way to deal with them.
jtrack3d Dec 4th 2009 2:42PM
Since he isn't normally like this, Mr. Hyde is obviously the result of an external stress-or or feeling of loss of control. More often than not, the two things that will raise my ire more than any other in WoW are (A) loss of character control as a healer due to fear, spell lock-out, etc and seeing others die as a result (B) Having someone else want to quit raid, battle, etc, due to similar frustrations.
When I raid lead, I calm such situations by choosing something else for the members to focus on rather than the failure. It has to come quickly as well. So you start discussing the failure by starting out with what went right and __say it quickly before the complete wipe__ happens and before anyone can start a tirade.
For example, "Guys that was going wonderfully. You all were spot on the job and we were all performing like a well oiled machine. Unfortunately, we got caught off guard by a couple things that I think we should be careful about next try. Does anyone need a 5-min break to cool off?"
If someone starts to mouth off, I will start suggesting methods of stress relief to them, things such as...
-- Well, just think how much more the win will make you cheer.
-- Now's a good time for a chocolate chip cookie and some milk.
-- Everyone take a slow deep breath and think for a moment.
Etc. Anything to calm the moment helps. But never ever ever be-little, discount or comment negatively about someone's stress because it will only make matters worse. Outburst like this happen when your body is in "fight/flight" mode and your adreneline is high. Just a small push in the wrong way and you get "fight" or you get "flight".
Deadly. Off. Topic. Dec 4th 2009 2:56PM
I don't know. Every one has a bit of anger in them, but if he's acting like that... you need to take some time and just TALK things through with him. If he's a loving and caring husband as you claim, he should listen to you and take what you say with great value.
If he loves you, he will NOT undermine you and if he still does undermine you, you better start putting your foot down and pointing out that you will not take that kind of abuse from him. He might not be abusive outside of wow, but if he's starting to be "that guy" then he is being abusive. Don't deny that there's no abuse there because he's good elsewhere... denial starts small and then grows.
I know when my fiance curses and throws tantrums... all it takes is for me to put my foot down and explain in no uncertain terms that he's being a child and needs to grow up. You'll be surprise how that works... sometimes he does storms off, but he will always come back and apologizes as he understands that he did something wrong. (Cool time period.) Other times, he calms down and relaxes... (voice of reason triumphs).
There's no reason to bitch at other players and treat them like crap.. if you can't treat them with respect what makes you think he won't turn around and start taking it out on you later on?
biglou Dec 4th 2009 3:15PM
http://www.funnyphotos.net.au/images/world-of-warcraft-cartoon-warcraft-in-everday-life1.jpg