Let me tell you a story.

There once was a young man named Billy Madison. His father ran a powerful hotel chain, and wanted his son to run it after he retired. His father's evil partner, Eric, was a douchebag, and wanted to run the company for himself.

The problem was, Billy had never gotten an education. He'd skated by in school on his father's wealth and reputation, and in order to prove him self worthy to run Madison Hotels, he struck a crazy bargain with his father. He would go back to school and pass 1st grade through 12th, graduate on his own merit, and demonstrate that he was just as capable of running the company as Eric.

Wacky hijinks ensued. Norm Macdonald and Chris Farley were prominently involved. Steve Buscemi wore lipstick. Veronica Vaughn was, as we all are aware, a fine piece of ass. Everything culminated in a final academic contest between Eric and Billy in the high school auditorium.

At the climax of this contest, Billy delivered a rousing speech comparing a puppy to the industrial revolution. The high school principal then stood and said the following, which I will of course adapt slightly and direct at our fearless, if slightly misguided warlock columnist:

"Mr. Hobbs, what you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

Ahem.

Warlocks suck.

Sincerely,

Archmage Pants