Skip to Content
12-17-2009 @ 7:36PM
The Lich King sits on his throne, with Kel'Thuzad glimmering in a smoky image. There is a sudden crash, bang and pow as saronite, ice and stone explode from the earth as Anub'arak burrows his way into the room."Can't you use the front door?" The Lich King screams."Most sorry, but your doors were designed 25 dwarves across or one abomination, not for a spiderlord beetle creature such as myself," Anub'arak says."Quite. I told the architecht, but they were in a hurry, my lord," Kel'Thuzad adds. "It was a small miracle we got the dragon into Naxx.""Whatever. Tell your lackeys to clean it up and put it on Azjol-Nerub's bill," The Lich King says. "Anub'arak, you have been given a quest to represent not only the glory of the Scourge, but one to gain information of the highest order. You must infiltrate the Tribunal of Ages and access its system.""Gladly, but I only got the hang of Windows," Anub'arak says."I know," the Lich King states flatly. "Unfortunately, the only person with some rudimentary knowledge of such a primitive system that isn't busy with ICC affairs is ... Patchwerk.""WHAT?" the spiderlord interjects, mandibles reaching toward the floor as if to pick up his disbelief.Kel'Thuzad interrupts. "Apparently, a chunk of the abomination's brain was a gnome that did archaeological work in Northrend. We saw him successfully access Aloe Kittie Island Adventures on an Amigo 64 machine left on the Titans' ruined road in Dragonblight. We believe with ... sufficient time ... he could access the information.""An infinite room of monkeys on an infinite number of typewriters," the Lich King growls. "Just do it."-Fast forward-"Lich King says Patchwerk on loan from Naxxramas. Loan make Patchwerk ANGRY!!" the abomination screams as he walks his dirty feet onto the glass floor of the Tribunal of Ages."Shut up and do the job," says Anub'arak, pointing a claw towards the access panel of the Tribunal of Ages, hoping that hours of listening to the hulking vat of flesh whine for ice cream and "we dere yet" as finally come to a close.Patchwerk rumbles toward the keyboard and begins banging his multiple fists on the device. "Play?"The Tribunal of Ages whirs. "Greetings, Professor Branbronzan. Would you like to play a game?""Patchwerk want to play," says the abomination, banging harder on the machine as it loads, hatefully striking it. A vicious fart blasts from Patchwerk as he brushes his body against the mainframe. Drool from Patchwerk's mouth and bile from his open guts wipe across the machine, causing it to rescan its surface. Sirens begin to wail and light flash, burning the two undead massives."Initiating sanitization protocol," the machine blurts.Anub'arak turns to see a small army of iron dwarves and golems approach, wielding weapons and disinfectant. He looks back at his partner. "A pestilence upon you! Patchwerk?""No more play?" says Patchwerk, looking at a monitor that has gone to a screen saver with barrelhead goby and glassfin minnows swimming, and asking for a password to resume.Anub'arak hisses in disgust with his situation and turns toward the attackers. "You shall experience my torment first hand!" he bellows at the army running toward the room. "Auum na-l ak-k-k-k, isshhh!"Anub'arak begins to dig up the floor but then -- by the grace of all the nerubian kings before him -- remembers how to cling to a wall, as he suddenly remembers the floor is nothing but glass, leading down to a light-filled shaft into nothingness. But the stress is already too much, and the crack spreads across the surface that supports the tonnage of machine, abomination and spider. The glass floor breaks, sending the console and the abomination down the shaft. "What happened to --" says a surprised Patchwerk as the forces of gravity take hold of his massive frame.A burning light comes out of one of the faces on the wall, hitting the back of Anub'arak but wires from the plummeting console yank the malicious head down the hole. The agony is not finished for the crypt lord, as the army of iron dwarves and golems run oblivious to the sudden lack of a floor, pelting the great spider's back as they fall to oblivion. In panic, Anub'arak's wings flap, bouncing some of the flailing automatons around the pit like pinballs going down a drainpipe.The waves of iron lemmings abate as the sirens and lights end. "Session ... terminated," whispers a calm voice from the wall.Anub'arak, bruised, comes up from the pit. Reporting a failure to the Lich King is not foremost on his mind. He glances down the pit. "Never thought ... I would be free of him."
12-17-2009 @ 10:54PM
I voted for Anub'arak to win ... but I'd like to change my vote. You, sir, win an Internet. I laughed until I cried.
First time? A confirmation email will be sent to you after submitting.
Members enter your username and password.
Enter your AOL or AIM screenname and password.
Please keep your comments relevant to this blog entry. Email addresses are never displayed, but they are required to confirm your comments.
When you enter your name and email address, you'll be sent a link to confirm your comment, and a password. To leave another comment, just use that password.
To create a live link, simply type the URL (including http://) or email address and we will make it a live link for you. You can put up to 3 URLs in your comments. Line breaks and paragraphs are automatically converted — no need to use <p> or <br /> tags.