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All of the latest Mists of Pandaria newsDrama Mamas: Suicide threats
by Robin Torres 
Mar 19th 2010 at 11:00AM
Warning: This week's topic is very much on the serious side and has nothing to do with WoW except that it occurs in-game a lot. Because it brings up some sensitive subjects and is very close to home for me (as you will see), I may be very heavy-handed with the moderating. I would appreciate it if you kept all of the comments constructive and non-trollish so I don't have to. Making fun of me, Robin, is ok though. I'm already laughing at me, so you can only laugh with me.
Drama Mamas, I recently went to ToC5 with my RL friend, and in the party there was a mage. A very chatty mage. I humored him and chatted away. Today the guy whispered me and talked about wanting to do some instances etc.. Nothing out of the ordinary, I guess. I think he said something about not having any friends as well. But later the same day, he started talking to me about how he hates his life because he has no friends, and his girlfriend just broke up with him.. He actually started talking about wanting to kill himself.
I've talked to the guy for maybe 15 minutes total (except for that one quick instance run), and he's spilling his guts to me..
It seemed legit, so I talked to him and tried to explain that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel as long as you keep your eyes open. He didn't share the same view. Apparently, the guy has no friends at all in real life, and his girlfriend dumped him because she fell in love with someone else. Anyone can agree: that sucks. It really does.
I really have no idea how to handle that sort of situation, so I tried advising him to talk to some friends, or maybe a relative or something. But he really didn't want to see it that way. He's done at school in about a year, and after that he can move wherever he wants and start with a clear slate.
The reason I'm writing you is that I want to know what would be the appropriate thing to do -- if you think I handled it OK. I don't want the suicide of some teen i don't even know on my conscience. So I tried to help him to the best of my abilities. I'm sitting here with mixed feelings. I'm not a psychiatrist. Should I be giving this guy advice at all? All I tried to do was to cheer him up... didn't really work though. Signed, Nameless Rogue
Drama Mama Robin: I wish I could say that yours is an unusual situation, but unfortunately this kind of thing happens all too often. Whether bipolar, clinically depressed or just going through an extreme angsty phase, people of all ages will go online to seek the comfort of real people, without having to get dressed and leave the house. These Depressios find it easy to talk to friendly people on the internet, but you can imagine how hard it is to broach the subject of suicide to a total stranger face to face in a coffee shop. Just like online cheating, mentally ill people (either temporarily or suffering from a permanent disorder) have gone online for support during their rough times. Since the beginning of college message boards decades ago, people have been chatting up total strangers with the goal of sucking them into their own drama.
Let me be clear: Suicide is selfish. Suicidal threats are selfish and manipulative and actually carrying it out is extremely selfish. These people who off themselves by getting hit by trains are the most egregious. They mentally scar the train driver at minimum and kill many other people in the worst case scenario. But those who just quietly kill themselves in seclusion still harm other people. Let's say they really don't have people who care about them (so often not true), there are still the people who discover them and the people who have to remove their corpses. Look at what happened when Andrew Koenig hung himself. His friends and family had the whole world looking for him for days, asking people for help via everything from Twitter to more traditional publications. The real tragedy there was all of the living people hurt by his choosing to end his life.
Do I sound harsh? I'm going to out myself here. I am bipolar. I've been going through cycles of severe depression for almost as long as I can remember. For me, it's like everything I have ever done wrong, every person I have ever hurt, every embarrassing moment -- they all come knocking at the door, reminding me of every incident. It is beyond overwhelming. The only thing that kept me from ending it all at certain points was that I had two cats who I didn't feel had anywhere to go if I abandoned them like that. So believe me when I say I can relate to a truly suicidal person.I'll pretend to speak to Chatty Mage for a moment. It's part of the illness to make mountains out of molehills and feel like nobody loves you. Also, your friends and family come with baggage that may have to be dealt with if you go to them for help. You also may not want to burden them with your troubles -- they may have enough issues to deal with in their own lives. But that doesn't mean you have the right to put such a serious burden on a total stranger who was nice enough to converse with you online. Yes, if you go an official route, like you're supposed to do, then the authorities get in on things making life afterward even more complicated. I understand that too. But not only do you seriously affect these kind strangers you confess your troubles to, they are not qualified to help you. Neither are your guildies. Of course they don't want you to hurt yourself. You count on that when you talk to them. You use their compassion against them, pulling them into your anguish and causing them to not be able to enjoy their own lives as much. You need help. It's good that you know that. If you have insurance, get yourself to a psychiatrist ASAP. If you don't, get yourself to a mental health clinic. If there isn't one nearby or you can't bring yourself to go somewhere, call a helpline like the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. If you're not really suicidal, but just want this kind stranger to take your woes seriously, then please seek professional help anyway.
Nameless, most tips for helping suicidal people are meant for actual friends and family of the Depressios -- not total strangers who have no physical access to them. Here are some tips to help you, as an online acquaintance, deal with Chatty Mage and others like him:
- Take the suicidal person seriously: Even if you think Chatty Mage is just seeking attention, he still needs help of some kind. So treat the threat as a serious cry for help and talk to him accordingly, as it seems you did.
- Remain calm: Yes, take him seriously, but don't be alarmist. If he's really at risk, he needs to remain calm himself and not react to your reaction. Again, you seem to have done this.
- Don't offer solutions to the problems he relates to you. He doesn't really want the kind of solutions you can offer him. Your solutions are correct. Your outlook is right. But he needs help getting to the point where he can actually act. If he is truly depressed, action toward fixing things may not be physically possible for him. It will just add to the to do list that is already weighing him down. I'm sure he appreciated the sentiment behind your suggestions, Nameless, so don't feel like you harmed him. But unfortunately, you didn't help him either.
- Ask him about his professional help options. Professional help is the only solution you should offer and he needs to do it. He needs to see a psychiatrist. He or she will refer him to any other resources as necessary, but only a psychiatrist is qualified for proper diagnosis and prescribing medications, at least in the U.S. If he has insurance, he may still need to jump through bureaucratic hoops to have access to behavioral healthcare. So you can offer to help with that part of it, but only if you really want to take the time to help him. And it's very OK if you don't.
- If he seems serious about ending his life, contact a GM. Unfortunately, GMs have to do this a lot. They can track down the location of Chatty Mage and call the local authorities to come and help him. Don't tell Chatty Mage you are doing it. And don't worry about bothering people and being wrong about his commitment to ending his life. Better to err on the side of helping him and if it was a fake threat, the hubbub will hopefully deter him from doing it again. Note: If you put "suicide threat" in the subject of your GM ticket, it will be moved to the top of the queue and acted upon almost immediately.
- Remove yourself from the situation. This is the hardest part of the whole experience. If you just put him on /ignore or ask him to leave you alone, you will feel guilty and worry that you were the "final straw." But you aren't responsible for his actions, no matter what he does. So say something like this to him: "I am not at all qualified to help you myself, but I really want you to get help. After you've started seeing someone professionally, send me a tell and we'll do some instances. I gotta go now, but I hope to hear from you soon. Good luck!" and then log off.
- Make yourself scarce for a few days. This sucks, but it's for the best all around. He'll either get help or go off and find another victim or both. But stay off of the character he knows as much as possible for a while so that you don't have to deal with him trying to suck you into his drama some more.
Drama Mama Lisa: These are all sound resources and solid suggestions. I wouldn't add a thing beyond reiterating Robin's closing idea and urging you not to let yourself be sucked back into the mage's swirl of emotions. You're not responsible for being his sounding board or his soapbox. Use extreme caution replying to any additional whispers from him. You were right to be concerned, and now you're armed with more ideas and resources to respond even more effectively should this happen again.
Thanks for being a living, breathing, caring member of the WoW community. Keep it real.
Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at DramaMamas (at) WoW (dot) com.Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Drama Mamas
Reader Comments (Page 3 of 15)
Eric Mar 19th 2010 11:44AM
Pud - why don't you start your own website if you are so unhappy with the content on wow.com. Seriously, this is a good topic because this issue has or may come up for many players. The advice is solid, and I appreciate Robin for tackling this very difficult problem.
Alexander Mar 19th 2010 11:36AM
@ Robin-
I cannot upvote this enough. One of my best friends committed suicide about three years ago, we played WoW together, and I wish I would have been able to talk to him before the time he took his own life, but the fact that he might have reached out to someone on the game is a distinct possibility. If there is one thing we all know about this game is that it is as much a social interface as a game, and regardless of the forum, a threat of suicide is serious. Since we all play the same game, we should be prepared for the uglier eventualities that can (and will) crop up in any social situation.
Bravo, Drama Mamas, for tackling a subject that we all should be aware of.
The Dewd Mar 19th 2010 11:37AM
This is exactly the correct place for this. The fact that it's known that Blizzard's GMs have to deal with this on a regular basis should be proof enough for you.
It's significantly more important to help someone get help when they are battling than it is to worry about how to tell someone not to pull aggro in Serbian. The game will go on for most of us but if someone decides they're going to end it all, there may not be another chance. This is not to say that untrained people need to try to act as a trained mental health professional but it's important to do what you can.
In the interest of full disclosure, I am not a mental health professional but my wife is. I don't know if she's ever run into a situation like this before (she does play WoW as well) but even if she has I wouldn't expect her to come blabbing about it. She's worked for crisis lines (not the NSPL) and has had to determine if someone was serious or not about threats - and has sent the police to people's houses to stop them. She has an advanced degree and a license and is specially trained. I'd much rather try to keep someone talking while waiting for a GM to get back to me so they can hand this off to someone better trained than I am.
TL;DR - Mental illness is only a laughing matter until something bad happens. Blizzard has procedures in place for this so let them know and they'll escalate it to the proper authorities.
jrizutko Mar 19th 2010 11:41AM
Pud, I read drama mamas for just this kind of article. The opportunity to see WoW players connecting their enjoyment of games to their participation in a community through the medium of insightful writing is what makes WoW.com what it is.
Its unfortunate that it makes you uncomfortable, but you seem to want to censor WoW.com and you are off target with your assessment of what other people want from this sight.
Angus Mar 19th 2010 11:48AM
This column is about dealing with the social aspect of WoW.
They have tackled things like horrible players being attached to great ones, bad officer decisions or lack thereof, how to get someone to work on their character to squeeze out more DPS, and how to leave a guild without burning bridges.
NONE of those is a particularly big part of WoW. They are all about people.
So if you have not posted an objection prior to this one in any of those posts, why is suicide suddenly a major issue?
Western society as a whole tries to hide suicide behind a wall of shame and doesn't address it head on. The act IS a selfish one, the act happens a lot more often than it should and the reasons for this are many and varied. When someone asks for help, we tend to freak out because we don't know what to do, because this is not discussed enough. Here we have some people willing to help others know good info and what do you do? You complain.
If you are going to complain about a serious social issue in a column that specifically made to deal with the darker side of the social aspect of this game, you are going to have a lot of people tell you that you need to stfu and gtfo. This is the perfect place for this info and has helped at least 1 person.
As a GM I have had to deal with this twice. I COULD NOT just vanish. So I had to work out a way to let the person know that if they weren't going to seek help they were going to have problems talking with me about things. This article would have helped some as a few items I had not thought of.
The good news is that both of the individuals involved are doing a lot better and are still with us. Armed with this info I am going to try a different tack next time and hopefully it will be better for all involved.
Pud Mar 19th 2010 11:54AM
fine fine. I get it already. You guys like this, I don't. Simple solution, stop reading Robin's garbage(generally don't enjoy her stuff, personal opinion though). Then we're all happy.
Angus Mar 19th 2010 12:15PM
Pud: That is an excellent, somewhat mature, and workable response. We will all be happy then.
Might I add that you chose your name well.
Jacqueline Mar 19th 2010 12:41PM
As someone who suffers from depression and at one time did try to take my own life I object to you calling people with an illness "emotionally diseased". The reason people do not talk about depression is because of people like you who have a prejudice against mental illness. You make it sound like we have something you can catch. Trust me you can't.
Pryn Mar 19th 2010 12:48PM
Mentally healthy players (if any of us could be called mentally healthy!) won't be reading 'Depression Forums', but are likely to be the ones ending up in the same position as Nameless Rogue, so this is as good a place as any to give a point of reference for anyone who unfortunately finds themself on the receiving end of these conversations.
If one person remembers this and the advice helps them handle a situation without being cut up with guilt and anxiety, then its a job well done. If someone handles things as Robin suggests and the correct authorites intervene and save a life, then its an invaluable article. Hey, even if someone with this behaviour pattern reads it and realises its not okay to dump your emotional drama on a stranger and considers appropiate channels for help, I'd also call that a win.
tulipblossom Mar 19th 2010 5:45PM
I think that this is a completely appropriate place for such an article. I read wow.com every day and I'm thrilled that such an important and complex issue has been brought to the readers' attentions.
Yes, WoW is a game and as games go, it's not serious. But, it's also an MMO, where real people interact on a daily basis. That being said, I'm grateful for Robin's article and all of the input that it's brought forth.
I completely agree with The Dewd -- "It's significantly more important to help someone get help when they are battling than it is to worry about how to tell someone not to pull aggro in Serbian. The game will go on for most of us but if someone decides they're going to end it all, there may not be another chance. This is not to say that untrained people need to try to act as a trained mental health professional but it's important to do what you can."
Arkhell Mar 19th 2010 11:14AM
suicide is the easy way out for the person doing it indeed.... but less easy on the victims of the aftermath.
Roddythew Mar 19th 2010 1:46PM
As a person who suffers from depression and has been suicidal in the past, telling me that I am a selfish bitch would nothing to make me feel better about myself or my situation.
The 'advice' in this column shouldn't be read as a one-size-fits- all solution to the problems of depression and suicide. You can't know why a person is depressed (long term? situational?) or why they feel they way they do. Or maybe we should go back to the days when depressed people were told to just snap out of it.
Depressed people don't commit suicide because they want to die but because they don't want to live. Suicide is seen by society as an irrational act but to a depressed person it can seem like the only rational thing to do; they don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. They appropriate advice for the writer to Drama Mamas was contact a GM immediately. You can't know what that person (a stranger to you) is feeling or what he or she may do. If ever someone started talking suicide to me in WoW, that is what I would do.
channingr Mar 19th 2010 11:22AM
Great article! i hope everyone reads it and takes it to heart.
danglewood Mar 19th 2010 11:23AM
Just like guild chat, wow.com should not be a place one goes for medical or psychiatric advice. To be honest, it's pretty reckless.
Ozzard Mar 19th 2010 11:43AM
Sure. But there's "shouldn't" and there's "doesn't". People who need help will continue to log onto WoW and many other online places - we can't stop them. If it's possible to pass out basic information so that more of the people they meet will treat them constructively, I'd regard that as a good thing.
George Mar 19th 2010 11:45AM
The TL:DR version of this article could be: "You are (probably) not a mental health professional, so don't try to be one, but suggest they find one" (way way way oversimplified)
Advice on how to handle a very akward and potentially hazardous (and all too common) social interaction is NOT psychiatric advice.
Niiru Mar 19th 2010 11:48AM
To be fair, the article stresses that you encourage the depressed person to seek professional help and that you work with a GM to alert the authorities (who are professionals in their own right) if you are put into a similar situation. It's not intended as a guide on how to talk somebody out of committing suicide.
jrizutko Mar 19th 2010 11:55AM
@Danglewood. You're partially right. WoW.com isn't a place people go for medical or psychiatric advice. Since no medical or psychiatric advice is proffered in the article, I don't see how its relevant, though.
WoW.com IS a place people go for information about the experience of playing WoW. This article contains advice about what to do when confronted with someone who tries to get medical or psychiatric support from you in game. That advice is: (drumroll please) all about directing them to professional help and not providing medical or psychiatric advise yourself.
N-train Mar 19th 2010 12:00PM
I don't think you really read the article, it was much more "how to handle someone depressed should you run into them in wow", not "here's what to do if you're depressed".
Either way, if you didn't think it was appropriate you didn't have to read it. The beginning of the article made it pretty clear that this was going to be a bit touchy and situation-specific.
Lissanna Mar 19th 2010 4:07PM
I know of at least a couple cases of Blizzard GMs sending police (or the equivalent) to people's houses after suicide threats either on the forums or in-game that were reported to them.
It is appropriate to discuss it here, in that it is important for people to open in-game tickets to report these kinds of suicidal threats, and what steps they should take when people threaten to harm themselves (or if they threaten to harm others). This isn't unique to WOW, but the advice would be mostly applicable in other situations.