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All of the latest Mists of Pandaria newsDrama Mamas: Suicide threats
by Robin Torres 
Mar 19th 2010 at 11:00AM
Warning: This week's topic is very much on the serious side and has nothing to do with WoW except that it occurs in-game a lot. Because it brings up some sensitive subjects and is very close to home for me (as you will see), I may be very heavy-handed with the moderating. I would appreciate it if you kept all of the comments constructive and non-trollish so I don't have to. Making fun of me, Robin, is ok though. I'm already laughing at me, so you can only laugh with me.
Drama Mamas, I recently went to ToC5 with my RL friend, and in the party there was a mage. A very chatty mage. I humored him and chatted away. Today the guy whispered me and talked about wanting to do some instances etc.. Nothing out of the ordinary, I guess. I think he said something about not having any friends as well. But later the same day, he started talking to me about how he hates his life because he has no friends, and his girlfriend just broke up with him.. He actually started talking about wanting to kill himself.
I've talked to the guy for maybe 15 minutes total (except for that one quick instance run), and he's spilling his guts to me..
It seemed legit, so I talked to him and tried to explain that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel as long as you keep your eyes open. He didn't share the same view. Apparently, the guy has no friends at all in real life, and his girlfriend dumped him because she fell in love with someone else. Anyone can agree: that sucks. It really does.
I really have no idea how to handle that sort of situation, so I tried advising him to talk to some friends, or maybe a relative or something. But he really didn't want to see it that way. He's done at school in about a year, and after that he can move wherever he wants and start with a clear slate.
The reason I'm writing you is that I want to know what would be the appropriate thing to do -- if you think I handled it OK. I don't want the suicide of some teen i don't even know on my conscience. So I tried to help him to the best of my abilities. I'm sitting here with mixed feelings. I'm not a psychiatrist. Should I be giving this guy advice at all? All I tried to do was to cheer him up... didn't really work though. Signed, Nameless Rogue
Drama Mama Robin: I wish I could say that yours is an unusual situation, but unfortunately this kind of thing happens all too often. Whether bipolar, clinically depressed or just going through an extreme angsty phase, people of all ages will go online to seek the comfort of real people, without having to get dressed and leave the house. These Depressios find it easy to talk to friendly people on the internet, but you can imagine how hard it is to broach the subject of suicide to a total stranger face to face in a coffee shop. Just like online cheating, mentally ill people (either temporarily or suffering from a permanent disorder) have gone online for support during their rough times. Since the beginning of college message boards decades ago, people have been chatting up total strangers with the goal of sucking them into their own drama.
Let me be clear: Suicide is selfish. Suicidal threats are selfish and manipulative and actually carrying it out is extremely selfish. These people who off themselves by getting hit by trains are the most egregious. They mentally scar the train driver at minimum and kill many other people in the worst case scenario. But those who just quietly kill themselves in seclusion still harm other people. Let's say they really don't have people who care about them (so often not true), there are still the people who discover them and the people who have to remove their corpses. Look at what happened when Andrew Koenig hung himself. His friends and family had the whole world looking for him for days, asking people for help via everything from Twitter to more traditional publications. The real tragedy there was all of the living people hurt by his choosing to end his life.
Do I sound harsh? I'm going to out myself here. I am bipolar. I've been going through cycles of severe depression for almost as long as I can remember. For me, it's like everything I have ever done wrong, every person I have ever hurt, every embarrassing moment -- they all come knocking at the door, reminding me of every incident. It is beyond overwhelming. The only thing that kept me from ending it all at certain points was that I had two cats who I didn't feel had anywhere to go if I abandoned them like that. So believe me when I say I can relate to a truly suicidal person.I'll pretend to speak to Chatty Mage for a moment. It's part of the illness to make mountains out of molehills and feel like nobody loves you. Also, your friends and family come with baggage that may have to be dealt with if you go to them for help. You also may not want to burden them with your troubles -- they may have enough issues to deal with in their own lives. But that doesn't mean you have the right to put such a serious burden on a total stranger who was nice enough to converse with you online. Yes, if you go an official route, like you're supposed to do, then the authorities get in on things making life afterward even more complicated. I understand that too. But not only do you seriously affect these kind strangers you confess your troubles to, they are not qualified to help you. Neither are your guildies. Of course they don't want you to hurt yourself. You count on that when you talk to them. You use their compassion against them, pulling them into your anguish and causing them to not be able to enjoy their own lives as much. You need help. It's good that you know that. If you have insurance, get yourself to a psychiatrist ASAP. If you don't, get yourself to a mental health clinic. If there isn't one nearby or you can't bring yourself to go somewhere, call a helpline like the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. If you're not really suicidal, but just want this kind stranger to take your woes seriously, then please seek professional help anyway.
Nameless, most tips for helping suicidal people are meant for actual friends and family of the Depressios -- not total strangers who have no physical access to them. Here are some tips to help you, as an online acquaintance, deal with Chatty Mage and others like him:
- Take the suicidal person seriously: Even if you think Chatty Mage is just seeking attention, he still needs help of some kind. So treat the threat as a serious cry for help and talk to him accordingly, as it seems you did.
- Remain calm: Yes, take him seriously, but don't be alarmist. If he's really at risk, he needs to remain calm himself and not react to your reaction. Again, you seem to have done this.
- Don't offer solutions to the problems he relates to you. He doesn't really want the kind of solutions you can offer him. Your solutions are correct. Your outlook is right. But he needs help getting to the point where he can actually act. If he is truly depressed, action toward fixing things may not be physically possible for him. It will just add to the to do list that is already weighing him down. I'm sure he appreciated the sentiment behind your suggestions, Nameless, so don't feel like you harmed him. But unfortunately, you didn't help him either.
- Ask him about his professional help options. Professional help is the only solution you should offer and he needs to do it. He needs to see a psychiatrist. He or she will refer him to any other resources as necessary, but only a psychiatrist is qualified for proper diagnosis and prescribing medications, at least in the U.S. If he has insurance, he may still need to jump through bureaucratic hoops to have access to behavioral healthcare. So you can offer to help with that part of it, but only if you really want to take the time to help him. And it's very OK if you don't.
- If he seems serious about ending his life, contact a GM. Unfortunately, GMs have to do this a lot. They can track down the location of Chatty Mage and call the local authorities to come and help him. Don't tell Chatty Mage you are doing it. And don't worry about bothering people and being wrong about his commitment to ending his life. Better to err on the side of helping him and if it was a fake threat, the hubbub will hopefully deter him from doing it again. Note: If you put "suicide threat" in the subject of your GM ticket, it will be moved to the top of the queue and acted upon almost immediately.
- Remove yourself from the situation. This is the hardest part of the whole experience. If you just put him on /ignore or ask him to leave you alone, you will feel guilty and worry that you were the "final straw." But you aren't responsible for his actions, no matter what he does. So say something like this to him: "I am not at all qualified to help you myself, but I really want you to get help. After you've started seeing someone professionally, send me a tell and we'll do some instances. I gotta go now, but I hope to hear from you soon. Good luck!" and then log off.
- Make yourself scarce for a few days. This sucks, but it's for the best all around. He'll either get help or go off and find another victim or both. But stay off of the character he knows as much as possible for a while so that you don't have to deal with him trying to suck you into his drama some more.
Drama Mama Lisa: These are all sound resources and solid suggestions. I wouldn't add a thing beyond reiterating Robin's closing idea and urging you not to let yourself be sucked back into the mage's swirl of emotions. You're not responsible for being his sounding board or his soapbox. Use extreme caution replying to any additional whispers from him. You were right to be concerned, and now you're armed with more ideas and resources to respond even more effectively should this happen again.
Thanks for being a living, breathing, caring member of the WoW community. Keep it real.
Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at DramaMamas (at) WoW (dot) com.Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Drama Mamas
Reader Comments (Page 5 of 15)
Ozzard Mar 19th 2010 11:40AM
As noted, there's a lot of people who play online games who are unipolar depressed or bipolar (manic-)depressed. I'm depressive - at least 4 episodes to date, two requiring drug treatment, with no doubt more to come in the future. I'd love to say more about the folks I know online, but I refuse to reveal personal information about other people. Suffice it to say that I hope I've helped a good few people to start climbing out of their particular dark pits over the years, and the non-judgemental comradeship from some online games has helped me more than once.
Robin, much kudos for saying you're bipolar on a public forum - there's still considerable stigma attached to this "mental illness" stuff. People will take someone saying "I'm diabetic" far more easily than they will "I'm depressed"... let alone "wheeeee!!!! I'm manic!!!!111!!!11eleven!!!"
Can I respectfully add one point to the list above? "Don't judge". If you're one of the 2/3 of the population who won't experience mental illness during your lifetime, it's *very* hard to relate to what a depressed person is saying to you. It feels like an odd, twisted view of reality, and sometimes you want to pick them up, shake them and tell them to get a grip, dammit! Unfortunately that's really not an effective way of dealing with the situation: it's likely to make matters worse rather than improve them.
Good subject to bring up, Drama Mamas.
JC_Icefox Mar 19th 2010 11:42AM
I'd make a comment about this subject, but the whole thing is too Can of Wormy at this time of the morning.
I do feel obliged to ask, however, is there some kind of GM express response for incidents like this?I've never dealt with thus personally, but it'd be nice to know in advance that we can get immediate assistance should the need ever arise.
jessie Mar 19th 2010 12:00PM
I had the same question. My only experience contacting GMs has resulted in looooong waiting times, often ending with me logging off before I get a response; most of the time, that's okay. The problem is that in an emergency like the one described, it wouldn't have occurred to me to contact a GM, because I wouldn't expect them to be able to respond quickly enough (I suppose I would just try my local police). Is there some sort of system in place to ensure that real emergencies like these are discovered quickly when reported? If there is, I'd like to hear more about it -- making sure players know that GMs can respond quickly to a real life-or-death situation might help ensure that those in a position to report an emergency do so.
Irem Mar 19th 2010 12:17PM
From what I've seen (I don't know this for a fact), GM calls probably get read as they come in and are queued based on priority. For minor stuff like name reports on an RP server, I get a letter the next day, but when I accidentally deleted a character (don't ask), I had her back within the hour. Stuff like serious harassment and suicide threats, I imagine, would get shuffled to the top of the pile since they're kind of time-sensitive.
Alan Falcon Mar 19th 2010 1:09PM
Reading other comments here (on later pages) reveals that yes, in this kind of situation there is a kind of express response where a GM is very likely to take action very quickly. Definitely involve a GM ASAP.
Grovinofdarkhour Mar 19th 2010 11:41AM
Drama Mamas - thank you, thank you, thank you. This column should be required reading for every MMO player. We never know who is going through what in the real lives behind those avatars, and when the dark side of someone else's reality invades our little fantasy world, the best we can hope to do is (A) not make it worse, (B) get the professionals in and let them do their jobs.
I think of this type of experience in the same context as playing frisbee in the park and a jogger passing by suddenly collapses. Do we whine about how helping him would detract from our enjoyment? No. Do we consider the whole thing very awkward for us because we don't even know him? No. Those who know first aid apply it as best they can, and someone calls 911. End of story. Even in our fantasy world, we should always be ready to switch into serious mode and do the right thing for the situation, even if only because we hope that others would do the same if it was us or someone we love.
Hoggersbud Mar 19th 2010 11:42AM
This subject is probably one that's going to get more argument than actual productive discussion, so I'll just say this:
Depressios
Don't use such language, it's offensive.
George Mar 19th 2010 11:55AM
Really? I'd actually never heard the term before, and I am one!
I had on occassion wondered how to refer to the collecive mass of depressed peoples.
Windsoar Mar 19th 2010 12:08PM
Depressives.
Binya Mar 19th 2010 12:18PM
I agree with Hoggersbud- as someone who's been struggling with clinical depression for over 10 years, and only recently after 3 suicide attempts in a short succession of time (as a result of a crumbling marriage, but that's besides the point) went for help, I found the term "depressio" fairly offensive.
(fwiw- 5 months of therapy and prozac has done amazing things for me so far)
Robin Torres Mar 19th 2010 12:22PM
Hoggersbud, have you no sense of humor? Being a Depressio myself, I just adore the term. I also linked to what I am referencing when I first used it http://homestarrunner.com/sbemail6.html
Poor Strong Sad.
There is also nothing pejorative about the term.
In general, I find that having a sense of humor about my situation really helps. Taking myself too seriously certainly didn't.
Ozzard Mar 19th 2010 12:51PM
When I'm depressed, I have a one-word reference for myself.
Human.
Crowqueen Mar 19th 2010 1:11PM
Sorry, Robin, as someone who has wrestled with the same issues for a long time, I don't feel nearly as strongly as you do that making light of a condition is OK. Having gone through 5 years of coping, plus a strange time when you have to reprogramme yourself that although you are no longer depressed, good things DO happen and things can be good and true at the same time, you develop a sense of compassion, respect and awareness that makes making light of something difficult.
I don't want to suggest you aren't or have never been depressed, but Hoggers is right - a jocular label just makes people take us less seriously, not more.
Robin Torres Mar 19th 2010 1:16PM
I am truly sorry that you were all offended as that was not my intention. I am not editing it, however, because I hope that others like me find humor helpful in coping with our mental difference.
Joey Joe Joe Jr. Shabadoo Mar 19th 2010 1:30PM
I have to agree that I was upset with the term you used Robin. Worse though, was how you said he needed a sense of humor. You could have said something akin to being sorry that something may have offended him and that was not your intention so you apologize, but instead you basically said it was his fault for being offended and he shouldn't be so thin skinned and should get the joke.
This is a kind of thinking that is creating depression and angsty thoughts in people because we say that a person should stop complaining and get over verbal insults and taunting when that can hurt more than something physical. I was suspended from school for a week for accidentally breaking a bully's leg when I pushed him back and he fell down 3 steps. I apologized, and said that he had been taunting me and insulting me and bullying me all year long, but they said that that was only verbal and that its not as mean of him to insult me as it is of me to "attack" him and break his leg, but that if I still felt upset, they would make him apologize and separate our schedules.
Bottom line, people always make light of verbal insults and non-physical bullying, and when they are called out on it they accuse the other person of being too sensitive or that it was only a joke so they shouldn't be offended, when the taunter is the one who is at fault.
jrizutko Mar 19th 2010 1:54PM
I don't see the relationship between Robin's use of the word "depressios" and bullying or name-calling. She's talking about a label she uses for herself, and one that helps her cope and supports her mental health.
She clearly had no anticipation that others would find it offensive, and didn't mean it as such.
Hoggersbud Mar 19th 2010 8:05PM
Robin Torres:
>Hoggersbud, have you no sense of humor? Being a Depressio myself, I just adore the term. I also linked to what I am referencing when I first used it http://homestarrunner.com/sbemail6.html
Poor Strong Sad.
There is also nothing pejorative about the term.
In general, I find that having a sense of humor about my situation really helps. Taking myself too seriously certainly didn't.<
And I find asking people if they have no sense of humor to not help at all, because instead of discussing a concern somebody has, you resort to what is a rather classic tool of diminishment, namely writing off my concerns because, according to you, it's my sense of humor that's the problem. After all, you were just trying to be "funny" and everybody enjoys somebody who is "funny" don't we? And so anybody who interferes in that funny is clearly at fault.
Sorry, but I'm simply not impressed by you taking that position. If you'd simply said "It's my way of being funny about it" that would be one thing, but instead you tried to turn things on me. Won't work, I get plenty of LOL comments in WOW, so I know I have a sense of humor.
What I also know is that humor is something that can make somebody laugh, or it can offend them greatly. It can be a delicate thread to balance upon, and yes, you can offend without meaning. And it's not going to help to blame others for not laughing. All it does, at least to me, is make me think you're a bully yourself.
I suppose we could have a long discussion about what terms are acceptable and which not, and why, but I doubt that'd be any more productive than anything else going on here. Especially not if you're going to castigate me for your perceptions of my sense of humor.
Sorry, but there are things I don't find funny. Others may or may not agree. Go figure, I'm not terribly concerned with always finding myself in agreement with the herd.
jrizutko:
>She clearly had no anticipation that others would find it offensive, and didn't mean it as such.<
Ignorance is certainly possible, but hopefully now that it has been brought up as a concern, it will be considered and the author will be more thoughtful in the future.
And I sincerely hope that applies to the humor comment as well. Please never ever bring that up again. I will appreciate it.
Throatslit Mar 19th 2010 11:03PM
Absolutely Hogger.
My GF works as a nurse in a Mental Health Unit. This has been very enlightening for me towards my attitudes and preconceived ideas about Mental health. She and the other staff there tend to get cried at, yelled at, attacked, spat at or ignored when they try and call their patients names. They also don't take it to well when they are told to "lighten up" and get a sense of humour.
I find it terrible that Robin will not edit the term even though it has bee pointed out that the term is offensive to some.
Sedna Mar 19th 2010 11:43AM
Props, props. Thanks for writing this up. In particular, thanks for emphasizing the need for professional help. Friends and family can be absolutely incredible support when you need them. But going to see a professional- someone who's trained and educated on illness, who's seen cases like yours, who can give you help and support and structure on a regular basis, someone who is qualified to handle illness- is simply irreplacable. And when you're ill, it becomes part of your responsibility as a patient- both to ensure you're getting proper care and so you're not placing an undue burden on your support system.
Muse Mar 19th 2010 11:45AM
Been there, agree completely with the article. Pretending it doesn't exist is cowardly, thinking WoW has nothing to do with it is deluding yourself. I know "these things" are things you "don't talk about" for whatever cooked-together reason out there. Still exist. Still has to be dealt with.
As soon as you realise which direction the conversation is heading, get on line with the GMs. If you're too busy keeping the suicidal-talkers attention or feel you can't divide your own, ask a friend to do it. There are reasons emergency operators work in teams, and one of them is that it has the added psychological value for you to know you're not forced to handle this alone.