Drama Mamas: The burden of guilt
by Lisa Poisso 
Apr 9th 2010 at 4:00PM
Burnout burns (yeah, we see how that word works), but guilt grinds. We've talked about burnout here before. The only way out is -- well, out. But when your friends and guildmates still want to dive into the surf, how do you handle the guilt of leaving them high and dry?
Dear Drama Mamas: Since the beginning of Wrath, I've been the main tank of my guild. It's what I've always done and I've really enjoyed it. I MT for two raids, one being a very casual 25-man (only 7 bosses in ICC) and the other being a 10-man that's a bit more hardcore (did Alg in Uld, various raid achievements, downed LK, etc.). I've enjoyed both raids very much for different reasons. The 25-man is very laid back, with many of my friends, and the 10-man sates my need for challenging progression.
Recently, the leader of our 10-man decided to call it quits for awhile, just to take a break from WoW before Cat. is released. Not a problem for me, in fact, I've also been feeling a bit of WoW burnout and also thought it the perfect time to take a break. A few others in the 10-man also felt the same way. So no hard feelings there.
The problem is my 25-man raid. I've been one of the anchor members for a while and have helped out quite a few other tanks that have come and gone. I've also been told repeatedly that the raid performs horribly when I am not there. In fact, I almost left this raid once before when I was recruited for a much more hardcore raid but was convinced by many of my friends to stay on.
So here I am, wanting to take a break -- not from WoW completely, but at least from the raid scene for a bit -- but I am ridden with guilt. I feel as if I am letting a bunch of my friends down by not being there those couple nights a week. I'd feel horrible if I contribute somehow to that raid breaking up. For some of my friends, that is the only raid content they get to see. (I love 'em, but they aren't all the greatest players.) So I'm not sure what I should do. -- Torn Tank
Only there was a problem: The very first night we came back, I realized that the burnout that had stalled us in the first place was still in full force. Encounters made me feel as if I were still at work: Get this done before the deadline, fix that right now, come over here to this meeting ... Stressss. But how could I quit after being the one who convinced everyone to come together again in the first place? How could I leave the group without their strongest healer? I gave it two more tries, in fresh content that should have felt like frolicking through the fields with my friends. Same results -- so I held my breath and bowed out. Yes, the group was completely taken by surprise. Yes, my husband was immensely disappointed (and probably more pissed than he let on). And yes, my departure tanked the raid's healing.
The thing is, everyone recovered. I wasn't instantly ostracized or struck dead the moment my gear fell behind everyone else's. My husband kept playing quite happily without me. The guild reorganized their class mix and got on with progression. I found several new in-game projects that keep me logging in. And even though the chaos was indeed "my fault," we all got through it.
Torn Tank, your friends' raid group may go belly-up -- but it may not. After all, they're already managing to struggle ahead on nights you don't log in. And even if they don't manage to keep going, the ones who really enjoy the game will tuck in somewhere. It's a pugger's world now, baby. Even if your friends scatter to the four corners of Azeroth, Cataclysm's right around the corner, waggling a tempting finger and offering a rallying point for more adventures and good times.
Go in there and tell your friends what's up, Torn. Don't make a big deal out of your feelings and your reasons and your explanations; that's adding drama to the pot. Just shoot it to them straight: you need a complete break from raiding for a while. Then go put your feet up somewhere and enjoy the time off ... We'll see you again in Cataclysm.
Drama Mama Robin: Torn, if these really are your friends, they will understand if you tell them you need a break. And if they don't, they'll get over it. You aren't playing for them. You are playing for you, just like they are playing for themselves. Here are a few tips for making this easier:- Keep it simple. As Lisa said, the more straightforward and concise you are, the less drama you will cause.
- Give them a return date. Think about how much of a vacation you want to take (a month? two months?) and tell them when you'll be back after that. If you like, say you'll only be back one night a week for a while when you do return. Giving them a date to look forward to will make them realize you intend to return rather than have this just be a way to bail on them permanently.
- Don't sweat it if you have to extend the return date. You aren't signing a contract. Just give them a new day and go back to chilling.
- Play elsewhere. If you really want a break from raiding and to lessen your guilt, go play on another server. You'll enjoy your playtime more if you aren't in fear of a whisper telling you how poorly the raid is doing without you.
If they feel they can't go on without you, a break from raiding isn't going to hurt them. And you will probably all enjoy it more when you return. Relax and have fun!
Drama Buster of the Week: Emoticons ("smilies") lend emotion to your chat and ensure others know when you are just kidding. Even if you're not the perky, smiley type, a smattering of emoticons in your chat text covers your bases and can prevent hurt feelings. Pro tip: Beware of the hidden dangers of "LOL," which can just as easily be taken to mean you are laughing at someone instead of with him.
Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at DramaMamas@WoW.com.Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Drama Mamas
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
(cutaia) Apr 9th 2010 4:05PM
More puppies??? Oh no you didn't! Resist the urge people! Look away! Avert your eyes!
(cutaia) Apr 9th 2010 4:08PM
"Emoticons ("smilies") lend emotion to your chat and ensure others know when you are just kidding."
I've found that winky-clown-jack-in-the-box just tends to confuse, though. Here's an example:
So, I got fired this weekend for extortion. <@;-D~~~~~~[__]
Tim Apr 9th 2010 4:33PM
I throw out a Marge Simpson for judgmental/ playful grunts.
@@@@@@ :u /
galestrom Apr 9th 2010 4:52PM
I tried to tell people that the period denotes sarcasm.
They didn't get it, and disliked me anyways. =)
PapaBurgy Apr 9th 2010 5:11PM
Marge? I've always gone with the homer (_6(l).
Deathknighty Apr 9th 2010 10:06PM
I personally like my posh-guy-with-raised-eyebrow-and-lopsided-top-hat-and-a-handlebar-mustache:
[=/,:{[)
Cmidrfti Apr 10th 2010 7:54AM
I've always felt the good old Honest Abe was where it was at.
=]:-)>
Fadmin Apr 12th 2010 9:32AM
Or you can just offer them up a cigar
(__(@(______({{{
omedon666 Apr 9th 2010 4:17PM
"You aren't playing for them. You are playing for you, just like they are playing for themselves."
But should they be? Should we be? Is that teamwork?
I'm not sure this should be encouraged or spread further.
Isn't that sort of selfish, as a generalized "accepted truth"?
Are we giving in to moral erosion by saying "everyone's selfish, so it's ok"?
Perhaps these issues intensify or even change with older, more RL-ish friendships that are only maintained online... I'm torn on this point.
Sure, one could always pull up the "if they're your real friends" card, but it's possibly canceled out by "if you were their real friend" card.
Your inconvenience, or theirs... that's what it comes down to, not so easily solved with real, true friends, really.
"the needs of the many"...?
Not calling anyone wrong here, just thinking out loud, really. I feel "leaving isn't an option" in my guild of RL friends, always have. 99% of the time, that's not a problem for me, and that 1%... I usually find I'm being selfish to entertain that 1%.
Saeadame Apr 9th 2010 4:31PM
It can be a little different when it's your real-life friends. If they're not your RL friends, it's easier because as much as WoW is enjoyable, it's not more important than your RL concerns. And your RL friends, too, probably would understand better than online friends when you talk about having a lot of shit happening. This isn't the same situation, obviously, but if taking a break because you're busy IRL is okay, then why isn't taking a break because you feel you need to?
Chrisamcnicholas Apr 9th 2010 4:36PM
So you want people to keep playing a game so that other people aren't thrown off, isn't that selfish of them to expect that person to keep playing a game they clearly want to take a break from?
omedon666 Apr 9th 2010 4:46PM
@Chris
And my questions is... isn't that selfish of *you* to put *them* out? The needs of the many... (as much as "needs" come into the game... maybe that's the answer there) ;)
Who's right here?
I'm not making any conclusions, just piling more questions on.
Robin Torres Apr 9th 2010 4:59PM
Is it "selfish" to play to give yourself pleasure? I think that is a misuse of the word. Let me expand on what I said: we all play to relieve our own stresses and spend our leisure time pleasantly. You, your friends, everyone does and should play for their own fun. The fact that your friends share in the fun makes it even better for everyone. And teamwork is part of that fun. It is to everyone's benefit to function well as a team.
However, if the game in general or raiding specifically is not fun for you right now... if it is in fact causing you displeasure and stress... you need to take care of yourself. And if it is making you grouchy and irritable and you are not performing to the best of your ability, it's not good for anyone else on your team.
The phrase "playing for yourself" does not mean "playing ONLY for yourself and absolutely not caring about anyone else's feelings or fun". But to say someone should play when they are burned out just so that you can enjoy yourself is very selfish. I feel very sorry for anyone whose friends tell them they are being selfish when they need to take a break.
Torn is not at all a selfish person. He plays with his friends rather than progressing farther with better players. He should be rewarded with a break without guilt.
omedon666 Apr 9th 2010 5:04PM
Hey Robin.
That makes more sense, and I did indeed read that into the jist of what you were saying, but I wanted to make sure I asked what I did (and thanks for responding and clarifying :) ) to qualify the bumper sticker phrases that people will take from your words of wisdom.
I think Danawhitaker, below, better summarized what I wanted to get at. One's own health is important, and the health of their gametime, but respectful consideration of those you play with is also important, which you did get at, I'm again adding a huge asterisk to the above quote in my original post.
Again, I wasn't giving answers, I was asking more questions. Thank you for answering them, and it's always a pleasure to read you here. :)
L Apr 9th 2010 5:07PM
I don't think it matters if it is selfish for him to want to take a break. He should do what he feels is best for him. We aren't talking about him abandoning his family and moving to mexico here. He wants to quit raiding for a while. If they all handle this correctly this does not mean he can't log in and hang out, gossip in guild chat, do randoms etc with the friends and guild. He is not enjoying raiding. Perhaps he can help to train his replacement or something to ease the transition. But bottom line is if he doesn't want to raid he shouldn't feel he has too. If he is at the point of posting here he has already "non selfishly" played for longer than he wants too to help out his friends. It's his turn now.
uncaringbear Apr 9th 2010 5:21PM
@omen, I have to disagree, and think you're getting caught up in the semantics of the "selfish" concept. People participate in team play because it's rewarding to them, and the rewards are different for each individual, in contrast to the overall team reward. Some people are in the team purely to upgrade their gear, others enjoy the sense of community and teamwork, and others love the challenge, and so on. When an individual feels like their rewards are being hindered, whether by guild drama or other reasons, is it selfish to cease to participate?
When it gets to the point where helping the team is being significantly detrimental to that individual, something has to be done. Unfortunately, many times the only option is for that individual to bow out. Usually this option is the only one because the team was designed around redundancy or lacks the inherent flexibility to deal with the loss of a single member. It's the old "if any one of us gets hit by a truck, we're all screwed" design.
The other way to look at it is this - if you're unhappy, and feel like you're participating purely out of guilt or obligation, it creates a sense of negativity in the entire team, whether or not you want it to. If you neglect to look after your own needs, you won't be the only one to suffer, and to the extent, the rest of the team is also responsible for ensuring that your participation will not hurt you and everyone else. At the end of the day, having a resentful or martyr team member does more harm than good for everyone. Teamwork is also about looking after the needs of the individual.
Dan828 Apr 9th 2010 6:27PM
Thing is, if you aren't having fun, why should you keep coming back just so other people can do what they want?
Though I get what the guy is saying. I had it happen a while back... main tank was getting burned out, and kept trying to get other tanks to MT some of the raids. People were willing, but our best geared healer and some of the dps would only put out lackluster efforts and give up on raids if there was a single wipe if the guy wasn't there. A short while later, drama happened over this, MT quit, top healer became a raving control freak and booted players from the guild, more people quit, more drama happened, and the guild is pretty much dead now. So yeah, this kind of thing can kill a guild, and I can see this guy not wanting to be the cause of that.
Rotties67 Apr 9th 2010 6:36PM
I do have to comment on this.
Until I start paying my guildies subscription fees, they are free to spec and play however they want, just like I am. We will make raids work around this. They should be playing for their enjoyment, and I should be playing for mine. Hopefully, raiding gives us mutual gratification.
If not, it will show. DPS will drop, Heals won't get cast, there will be in-fighting etc. So yes, I want people playing for themselves. And the people I recruit into my guild, and I am friends with, by playing for themselves take their friends (read as: the guild) into consideration. When they start feeling burned out, they take a break. It isn't selfish, it is their $15, and they can use it however they want.
danawhitaker Apr 9th 2010 4:25PM
While I agree that any player has the right to quit the game or quit raiding at any time they choose, there is a bit of a problem. If you do choose to take a break, you can't instantly expect that the group will welcome you back in after your hiatus. It's not fair to demand that whoever fills your slot while you're gone suddenly give up raiding and sit on the sidelines if and when you do decide to come back. So if you do decide to leave, be prepared to face the fact that your raid group may continue to progress on without you, and may not have a position for you when you return. My guild runs 10-man ICC now, and we've downed the first four bosses. All of us try to make both raid nights, and if we can't, we make sure everyone knows that so that we can fill in. We usually have 9 people, 7-8 on a bad night, and we PUG the rest, but some guilds aren't comfortable spending the time each raid night to try and PUG people to fill their slots. We usually have enough friends of friends at our disposal to do so in a timely fashion. Not all servers and raid times have the luxury of having a lot of extra people who aren't saved to ICC to pick through.
By all means take a break. Of course you aren't bound by contract or anything of that nature. But approach it with the same mentality you would if you were to bow out of a recreational baseball or softball or bowling team, at the very least. A raiding group is, whether society accepts it or not yet, a team, just like a bowling or basketball or baseball team. You move beyond PUG when you schedule runs and have people in assigned roles. Every person's actions impact everyone else's. Again, that's not saying you can't take a break, people take breaks from other activities all the time. But I sometimes hate the mentality of "it's just a game, and the people behind the keyboard aren't real". You *are* letting your friends down, so do your best to make sure they can keep raiding with or without your help. Help them find a replacement tank, or help one of them gear up to tank so they can PUG a more readily-available DPS.
omedon666 Apr 9th 2010 4:52PM
I think you better captured what I was getting at above.