Drama Mamas: Invasion of privacy
by Robin Torres 
Apr 16th 2010 at 4:00PM
Captain Obvious says that communication within guilds is a very good thing. But as we've seen before, sometimes too much communication can cause more drama than keeping quiet. It is smart to anticipate problems and make preparations in case they occur. But is thinking the worst of people the same as proactive problem-solving? When thinking ahead to avoid trouble, it is usually a good idea to examine your own motives and see if any prejudices are lurking that color your viewpoint. If it's possible that envy or disapproval are clouding your judgment, it is usually best to keep your mouth closed and your eyes open. I assume the best about this week's letter writer's motives for wanting to prevent drama in his guild. But in this case, motives are irrelevant to the possible drama bomb that would explode from an invasion of privacy.
Dear Drama Mamas: There are two members of my guild, both male, who are in a romantic relationship with each other. Most members of my guild don't know this, and the two men prefer to keep it that way. The problem is, one of them was recently promoted, and on some nights will be distributing loot among a group that includes his boyfriend. I don't think it's appropriate for an officer to be dating a lower-ranking member, and ordinarily I would raise that issue to argue against the promotion. However, I don't want to out the couple -- that would be a serious invasion of privacy. What should I do? -- Morton's Diner
Drama Mama Robin: Morton, I have a few questions which need answers for me to answer your question fully:
- What is your guild's current couple policy? If an officer gets his girlfriend/wife into the guild and she raids, is he not allowed to distribute loot for that raid? Or is there no clearly stated couple policy? If there is no couple policy or if other couples have different guild ranks and are able to play and loot together, there is no reason to make a fuss about this particular couple.
- What is your rank in the guild? Are you an officer whose business it is to set up and enforce policies, or are you just a concerned citizen? If you are an officer, you have more power in this situation than if you are of lesser rank than the officer-boyfriend. Warning: If you are not an officer, any noise you make about this promotion may seem like sour grapes.
- Has the officer behaved inappropriately loot-wise yet? You may be convicting this couple of inappropriate behavior before any takes place. And they may behave completely professionally forever, or just as likely, the non-officer may get less loot in this scenario in order to throw off any suspicion.
Actually, no -- I don't need any of the above questions answered. Of course you shouldn't out these two players. And I must admit that I disagree completely that it is inappropriate for people to date within guilds, no matter what their ranks. Let's talk about the nature of guilds:- A guild is a group of people in a game. It is not a company or the military or a government agency. Though a professionally run guild is most certainly more successful than one that is not, physical world rules established to avoid lawsuits and the like just don't apply.
- A guild is a social club. Guilds are formed by people with common interests and goals. Of course romance will happen, no matter the gender.
- Most guilds have couples in them, even progression guilds. Despite the popular conception that gamers are all lonely basement-dwellers, we know that guilds have been functioning with couples in them for years.
- Friends who aren't dating conspire for loot nastiness all the time. Just because two people aren't romantically involved doesn't mean they will automatically behave better than those who are. The fact is that most loot conspiracies and raid invitation bias occur between people who are just friends.
- Raiding guilds raid. So whatever loot drops that you don't get will drop again in the near future. If your guild isn't raiding regularly or you're not getting the loot you think is appropriate, these are issues that have nothing to do with this couple.
- Loot distributors are under a magnifying glass. If there is unfairness going on, you won't be the only one who notices. Complaining will happen and adjustments will be made, regardless of romantic connections.
Drama Mama Lisa: The nature of the relationship between these two players has nothing to do with loot. A couple in a romantic relationship is no more likely to cheat on loot rules than friends in a platonic relationship. Cheaters cheat -- it has nothing to do with their sexual orientation.
So here we have it: The nature of their relationship is irrelevant. No cheating on loot has occurred. What should you do? Nothing, my friend. Nothing at all.
Drama Buster of the Week: Raid leaders, when you assign a non-traditional role to a specific player as part of your strategy, it is not enough to just tell the player. Announce this assignment before each raid to avoid drama. If your best DPS is assigned to only hit the boss and not touch the adds, for example, make sure everyone knows this. Otherwise your star damage-artist will most likely receive "advice" in whispers. [Thanks, Jagoex, for this tip!]
Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at DramaMamas (at) WoW (dot) com.Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Drama Mamas
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 4)
Aldarion Apr 16th 2010 4:16PM
In before homophobes and other inappropriate mannerisms.
Also, paranoia is never profitable.
Scott Apr 16th 2010 4:20PM
Lisa, your summation was spot on.
I did a double-take when reading Morton stated, "I don't think it's appropriate for an officer to be dating a lower-ranking member". I'm glad you delved into this and showed that no difference should exist due to the nature of a guild being a mini-community, while no loot unfairness has taken place since one of the two has started distributing loot.
Scott Apr 16th 2010 4:24PM
*sigh* Robin's summation.
Lisa's was great and to the point too =)
i2construct Apr 16th 2010 4:22PM
Excellent advice once again! My guild is full of couples of different ranks and it has never been a problem!
Birdfall Apr 16th 2010 4:25PM
Solid advice. I agree that if loot impropriety happens, other people will notice and say something. If it does happen, it's not the secret relationship that needs addressing or "outing." It's the actions.
Entropy Apr 16th 2010 4:27PM
I completely agree with the Drama Mamas.
Right now, no loot drama has happened involving the couple in the guild. And just because two guildies are dating doesn't mean that loot drama will happen down the road - after all, all sorts of loot drama happens with non-dating and dating friends.
Until real loot drama happens involving the couple, it would be inappropriate to speak out.
Kylenne Apr 16th 2010 4:27PM
This is some good advice, but I think more info is needed, because treating this like any other couples situation involving hetero players is kind of hinky and smacks of straight privilege. This can be a million times more complicated and can open entirely different cans of worms, depending on any number of variables. I think it's important to acknowledge that.
Are the guys in question out as gay or bisexual to the rest of the guild, on an individual basis? Is it a majority LGBT guild, or the guild LGBT-friendly/indifferent but mostly hetero? Or is it a homophobic, hetero majority guild? This stuff's important to know. As any LGBT person will tell you, coming out is a continual process rather than a one-time event, and even the most open of us are out at varying levels depending on the social situation.
On my original server, my then-boyfriend eventually became raid leader in our small casual raiding guild. Everyone knew we were a couple, but they didn't know we were both bisexual. It wasn't really an issue because we didn't have a loot policy per se, we just /rolled on everything, and people were generally mature enough to pass on loot if it was a bigger upgrade for someone else, etc. But it was a VERY (one could even say painfully) hetero guild, and though we were mostly 18+ there were a lot of immature dudebro types, including our GM, and I can guarantee the situation would have been much different had either one of us been a different gender. I would not have been comfortable being out as a couple in such an environment. As it stood, only a couple of trusted friends in the guild knew that I wasn't straight, and only one other person knew that my partner and I were poly and in a triad with someone who didn't play the game. Privacy concerns, while important to everyone regardless of orientation, become much, MUCH more important for LGBT players, and I think it's crucial to point that out. Especially for younger people who may not be out IRL.
My current server's an entirely different kettle of fish, being that I'm in an LGBT guild, on an LGBT server, and in that case I think the standard advice for all raiding couples would apply without comment.
Kylenne Apr 16th 2010 4:33PM
I just wanted to add that I do think it's laudable that you're giving the same advice as you would regarding straight couples. I appreciate that, a lot. Unfortunately, much like the "color-blind" method of dealing with race, not acknowledging that things are slightly different for those of us lacking hetero privilege is not terribly helpful in the long run.
i2construct Apr 16th 2010 4:47PM
Thank you Thank you Thank you for this comment. I appreciate your insight because simply ignoring the LGBT variable is absolutely an example of straight privilege at play. I agree that this should be examined more closely.
Robin Torres Apr 16th 2010 4:52PM
How would you change the advice in accordance to the answers to any of your questions or concerns?
Fierna Apr 16th 2010 5:00PM
I'm confused, if there is no loot unfairness currently associated with the couple then why would you want to alter the advice given by the drama mama's (which was basically have a coke and a smile and don't worry about what hasn't happened yet).
If the couple isn't out that's their business and extra bureaucracy isn't needed.
Kylenne Apr 16th 2010 5:10PM
@ Robin: Honestly, I probably wouldn't have changed a whole lot--it doesn't sound like there's been loot drama in the guild so far, so I don't think it needs to be brought up.
About the only thing I would have added would have been an emphasis on respecting the couple's privacy and their comfort zone about being open. I'm really not comfortable with the idea of outing a gay couple to a mostly-straight guild without their permission, even in the service of full disclosure to prevent loot drama. All it takes is one person being hostile about something like that to completely poison a guild atmosphere for everybody involved. I would really suggest the letter writer talk to the dudes in question and get their feelings on the matter before doing anything. They may not have disclosed because they feel like it's no one else's business or that it doesn't really make a difference to their presence/contributions in the guild, or even that they just haven't gotten around to it yet. Or they may not be out because they're terrified of people finding out. That's why I think it's important to talk to them before opening that can of worms.
Scott Apr 16th 2010 5:18PM
@Kylenne
As you state, "They may not have disclosed because they feel like it's no one else's business or that it doesn't really make a difference to their presence/contributions in the guild". Nothing more needs to be stated.
Hor Apr 16th 2010 5:23PM
Sorry to tell you this, but your sexual orientation doesn't matter to me. I'm not going to consider it at all when dealing with you, if it's an issue... it's because you're making it an issue.
As the drama mamma's said, orientation has absolutely nothing to do with this scenario.
Sorry, but you will be treated just like everyone else... I say this because your post seems to say that people of different sexual orientation deserve special consideration, which I do not agree with. At the end of the day, straight, gay, bi, whatever... we're all still people. Just as you wouldn't want a hetero bias, I won't condone a homo bias.
Kylenne Apr 16th 2010 5:31PM
@ Fierna: Because a straight couple that hides their romantic relationship from the rest of the guild does not have to deal with the same kinds of issues as a gay couple doing the same thing. The playing field is not level, because of hetero privilege. Yes, in both cases there could be a fear of the appearance of nepotism. We've all heard stories about the wife/husband who gets carried in a raid despite mediocre play, or gets undeserved loot because they're married to the RL. Or the girl in the guild who gets tons of freebies from dudes wanting to get in her pants, and nearly every female player being exasperated by that stereotype. And lots of couples regardless of gender make-up worry about being perceived in that light.
But gay couples in a mostly straight guild might also hide their relationship for social fears, on top of all the practical concerns. PDA on guild chat may not be as tolerated as with straight couples, or if we're women, harassment of the "hurrr girl-on-girl is hawt" variety might skyrocket, often in the guise of being "accepting" (a friend of mine just left a guild over that not too long ago). Almost everything we do is colored by the fact that we're in the minority. If we make an issue of something, or even if we just talk about our relationships/weekend activities the same way straight people do, we're often perceived as "shoving our lifestyles down people's throats" or "being political". While WoW is not much worse in this regard than the world in general (and sometimes surprisingly *better*), all I have to do is step into a random LFD group with my server and guild tags to be reminded that there are some really hateful people on this game. And as an openly queer person, I can tell you that there are few things in life more depressing than watching a friend that was totally cool with you when they thought you were straight completely freak the hell out when they find out you're not. A lot of times the fear turns out to be unfounded, but it happens enough to make even the most well-adjusted of us wary sometimes. So yes, advice that ignores all of that is not sufficient.
Kylenne Apr 16th 2010 5:46PM
BTW, for all of the people saying that I'm demanding "special treatment" for LGBT people, or that "treating everyone the same" is what they'd do, I urge you to read the following:
http://www.cs.earlham.edu/~hyrax/personal/files/student_res/straightprivilege.htm
It's not about asking for special treatment, or demanding people care about my orientation (whatever that's supposed to mean). I'm just saying that the reality is that no, it's not the same for all of us. I probably know that better than most, given that I've been in both hetero and homosexual relationships, and know first hand how differently the two can be perceived and treated by others. The point of my posts is that even the most tolerant and accepting of people are still raised in a homophobic society where heterosexuality is considered the default setting for humans, and that kind of conditioning colors all of our interactions, even in a video game. Ignoring that won't make it go away. Acknowledging that, then working to change it will.
Fierna Apr 16th 2010 5:49PM
I've personally only ever been in gay guilds so I don't know what the het guilds get up to. Are you suggesting that the gay couple who aren't public about their relationship will be reluctant to roll on gear for fear of the appearance of nepotism?
This will only be an issue if they use loot council and loot councils are councils so I would assume officers outside of the couple are handing out loot.
Valis Apr 16th 2010 6:31PM
"The point of my posts is that even the most tolerant and accepting of people are still raised in a homophobic society where heterosexuality is considered the default setting for humans, and that kind of conditioning colors all of our interactions, even in a video game."
So even if I respect and love all people, and I am in my heart and my soul not a homophobic person in any way.
I'm still a homophobic person no matter what because I'm straight?
No matter what?
It's things like this...that makes me want to cry.
Al Apr 16th 2010 7:05PM
"a homophobic society where heterosexuality is considered the default setting for humans"
That's not homophobia. Heterosexuality is 'the default' simply because of procreation works.
i2construct Apr 16th 2010 8:03PM
I really want to second, Kylenne's point. For me, it isn't about giving this issue special treatment and blowing it all out of proportion just because the couple is gay. I think that everything the Drama Mama's mentioned applies to both gay and straight couples equally. For me personally, the ability to disregard the LGBT variable in and of itself is a privilege, which is why I believe that it deserves at the very least acknowledgment and respect for the possibility that there may be subtle differences in this situation, differences that hetero individuals raised in a hetero society don't have the faintest hope of understanding.