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The latest patch 5.4 newsAll the World's a Stage: Getting too attached to a character
by Michael Gray 
Apr 25th 2010 at 12:00PM
The Drama Mamas passed this letter over to me, since it so greatly involves roleplay. I've obviously altered the names of those involved. Let's roleplay that this was a letter to ... the Roleplay Drama Papa! (Feel free to insert a "Who's your daddy?" joke here.)
Drama Mamas, I need help.
I am fairly new to the world of Azeroth. I have always loved RP, and so rolled an ally and a horde alt on an RP server and jumped in. My ally is the one in the current predicament.
You see, upon traveling to Stormwind, I was invited to a pub-based event. Feeling happy enough I immediately jumped in and started roleplaying with a gentleman. Our characters were vivacious types, so they they hit it off. Some problems arose early on, which I shall confess since I want a completely honest view.
One problem was that even after roleplaying for a couple hours, the other person always acted hurt when I cut the RP off. A lot of times it was to get some leveling time in, since I was still a lowbie and wanted more opportunities. Another was the discussions about erotic roleplay. Now, ERP isn't my thing. I describe kissing and that is about it. We could see our characters heading towards a relationship. I thought I had ended the issue.
Except the guy kept bringing it up. And I admit, I was too nice because I allowed one or two things more than I should. Little things, and our characters haven't even slept together, but still.
Recently, I decided I hated leveling the class I was playing. Since this person was the only one I really RPed with, I told him my decision to reroll this character as a Death Knight.
The other person was obviously distraught, Two things made me raise my eyebrows. He said he was so distressed because he cared about my character and didn't want her to go through that story. The fact that he was so attached to my character did not sit well with me. The second problem was that he suggested changing the back story of my character to have her be a virgin. It was so that her first sex was more meaningful
He eventually started talking about how his character was probably going to wander off, but mine would always be a part of his roleplay, and how it was fun RPing with me. I thought he was just overreacting, but I shared how my character would probably react. He then said it looks like I really wanted the characters' relationship to be over.
He said something along the lines of me having won the debate, but both of us losing RP partners, trying to sound all elegant while doing so. I must admit, I was ticked at this point. I simply said I didn't understand how I lost the roleplay in the first place, because if I had lost I wouldn't have cut him out of my stories. He said that I had gotten cocky, and though I admit some of my humor can turn out as such, I apologized for that but then he said the smilies were also cocky. I had always thought they were used to defuse situations.
To put it simply, I could understand it if the debate had been more fired up than it was. It never crossed lines and I thought it was just a friendly one. And the fact that he reacted so heavily bothered me. Also, he said the bomb I had dropped about planning to have my character turn Death Knight within the week shocked him, and how that bomb also affected him. And also how he didn't like losing debates.
So I am in a quandary. Although I apologized for any bluntness or hurt feelings, the person still acted like a martyr, I was truly annoyed, and though I was polite and patient when I logged off, I just got madder and madder. Now I need help, because I feel my emotions may be clouding my judgment. Should I not communicate with him? Should I ignore him, or should I just continue on like nothing happened? I feel like there are some warning signs, but maybe people take roleplay this personally and I was not aware. I need help, Drama Mamas.
-A brand new RPer
Brand New,
First, I should tell you -- yeah, people can get really invested in their roleplay. I chose that word carefully. If you spend hours every week for months developing a story and a character, you're going to get attached to that character. People get ideas in their heads of how they want their characters' lives to be, and can get frustrated when things don't turn out the way they want them.
Now, obviously, it's impossible for me to guess everything going on here. The player might just have honestly been that shocked, or maybe he thought that you were tired of him. Even if you were being truthful that the mechanics of your character's class was why you were rerolling, he might believe it was his fault.
Brand New,
First, I should tell you -- yeah, people can get really invested in their roleplay. I chose that word carefully. If you spend hours every week for months developing a story and a character, you're going to get attached to that character. People get ideas in their heads of how they want their characters' lives to be, and can get frustrated when things don't turn out the way they want them.
Now, obviously, it's impossible for me to guess everything going on here. The player might just have honestly been that shocked, or maybe he thought that you were tired of him. Even if you were being truthful that the mechanics of your character's class was why you were rerolling, he might believe it was his fault.
Or, the guy might have an unhealthy attachment to your character. That does happen, and I've seen it a few dozen more times than I'd like to admit. (Though, admittedly, I'm more accustomed to seeing that kind of thing in LARP than WoW roleplay.) I've seen players go on year long vendettas when their in-game lovers are killed. It's kind of crazy, admittedly. But I try and chalk it up to "they lost an investment, and that can always be frustrating."
What should you do? Honestly, if you're frustrated, then you need to decide if you think something unhealthy's going on here. If you're getting a "creep" vibe, then you should walk away. If you still want to play with the guy, though, then tell him that you think this felt a little odd, and would prefer not to go back down that road. The key is to be completely honest about your feelings; don't hem and haw because you want to be nice and friendly. And, again, if you're getting a creep vibe, walk away without another look back. Nothing good can come of a bad dynamic like that, and it's always better to be safe than sorry.
Good luck,
Drama RPapa
What should you do? Honestly, if you're frustrated, then you need to decide if you think something unhealthy's going on here. If you're getting a "creep" vibe, then you should walk away. If you still want to play with the guy, though, then tell him that you think this felt a little odd, and would prefer not to go back down that road. The key is to be completely honest about your feelings; don't hem and haw because you want to be nice and friendly. And, again, if you're getting a creep vibe, walk away without another look back. Nothing good can come of a bad dynamic like that, and it's always better to be safe than sorry.
Good luck,
Drama RPapa
All the World's a Stage is your source for roleplaying ideas, innovations and ironies. You might wonder what it's like to sacrifice spells for the story, or to totally immerse yourself in your roleplaying, or even how to RP on a non-RP server!Filed under: All the World's a Stage (Roleplaying)
Reader Comments (Page 3 of 4)
shotiechan Apr 25th 2010 3:15PM
I'd run from this guy. Anyone obsessed with a character's virginity enough to *suggest* it is not a savory person. He sounds like a total creeper. I'd reroll, and never look back.
Muchao Apr 25th 2010 3:24PM
I'd say pushing the ERP issue is a big sign that he had an Out Of Character interest in this that she didn't. I see a lot of people who assume "characters in a relationship" means "players cybering", but there are many more I know of who have healthy relationships outside the game, then have their character in a relationship with a character who is NOT played by their real life partner, and there is no ERP. It can be assumed by everyone that these characters are sexually involved without that actually being RP'd. And if he was suggesting re-writing her character's backstory in a way that only affected her sexual experience, I really have to raise an eyebrow at that.
Getting attached to characters does happen, yes. There are several folks I RP with that I just love one of their characters to death but can't stand another, regardless of what I think of the player. And there are characters they play that I find fascinating and love seeing the RP, even though my character "can't stand that person". But that's the point... In Character things should be In Character. If her character "dies" and she rolls a new one, or if the same character gets re-rolled into a death knight, it makes perfect sense for his character to take the loss hard, but the player is still there to RP with. This doesn't mean you've lost your RP buddy. It means a favorite character has been taken out of the picture, or changed in a drastic way, much like favorite characters in books and movies.
Irem Apr 25th 2010 3:40PM
Although I usually don't admit this, I ERP occasionally. Done well, there's no expectation of romantic or sexual contact between the players, because it's contact between the characters, not using them as avatars for cybering. It's just co-writing a sex scene, and it can be useful for character development, just the way a sex scene in a book can be. But there's reasons I don't do it with people I don't know well, and never without a lot of discussion beforehand, and one of those reasons is that people are freaking lunatics.
And yeah, the virginity suggestion he made was so far out of line that it's having beers at a club two miles away from the line. Not even to mention the idea that it's "more meaningful" if her character is a virgin the first time, but it really sounds like he was working up to pressure her into a full-on sex scene and wanted to just, you know, tweak her character a little so that she'd comply with his fantasies. Asshole.
shotiechan Apr 25th 2010 4:29PM
Irem, I tend to disagree. I don't think explicit sex scenes are "useful character development" at all. I think the only reason ERP exists is to gratify the characters owners sexually in some way, period. Sure, you might not be flogging the dolphin, as it were, but really, there's nothing that can particularly happen during a sex scene that is a character-altering experience.
I don't think sex scenes in books flesh characters out a whole lot either. I think it's just pure gratuitous fun. Nothing wrong with that, but call a spade a spade. I cannot fathom any honest reason beyond self-gratification that would suggest ERP is "good" for character development that cannot be done with a more tasteful 'fade to black' approach. (i.e. the characters could be discussing whatever character-changing thing happened during the sex scene the next day, without the actual need to describe all the sex.)
Irem Apr 25th 2010 5:25PM
@shotiechan
I won't argue that it isn't fun, or that it's absolutely 100% completely free of any kind of gratification whatsoever and totally for the pure and noble purpose of character development. If it weren't, I wouldn't do it. But reading sex scenes in books is fun, too, if you like that kind of thing, and I disagree that there's nothing to be gained from playing it out in terms of character development. It just depends on how well it's done, and little things like what was said or awkwardness or explanations of weird scars--things that have nothing to do with Tab A into Slot B that can come up when people are intimate--are fun to explore. If you're discussing all the details anyway, if you've got mature adults playing who are okay with it and can handle it, you might as well just let the characters go ahead and do what they're going to do.
It's just a matter of preference, really. I write erotic fiction and I think a well-written sex scene is hard to do, so it's a challenge for me, and it's fun.
Irem Apr 26th 2010 11:27AM
And to add real quick since I thought of it: ERP doesn't always involve explicit descriptions of sex. I've played out scenes between characters wherein there was no sexual contact whatsoever, and no sexually explicit dialogue, but the context and the mindset of the characters gave it definite sexual overtones. There are also some aspects of my characters that are extremely important to their characterization and overall mindset (one of them is a masochist, for example) that I don't play out in everyday RP because I don't want to make people uncomfortable. Just to clarify further what I mean by it being useful for character development.
Irem Apr 25th 2010 3:30PM
Run fast and far.
This story is unfortunately fairly common for a new RPer, especially one playing a female character, and it goes way beyond RP. You'll also find very similar horror stories from players who -aren't- RPers, and found someone who was nice enough to welcome them into the game when they were new and be their leveling buddy and/or run them through dungeons, ect.--but then started getting clingy and weird and escalated it over time to the point where the player felt trapped. And it happens in RL too; go out on a date with someone, realize in six months that you're scared to pick up the phone because you don't want to hear another sobbing suicide threat from that same guy after you remind him for the millionth time that you asked him never to contact you again.
He's not attached to your character. He's attached to -you-. You've run across one of the people who ranges from pathetic to truly scary who is so desperate for someone to stick around and validate them that they won't take no for an answer, and he's preying on the fact that you're new and therefore vulnerable and don't want to hurt his feelings. They target new players because you're less likely to have a guild and friends in the game who will intervene, and you're smart to realize that there are warning signs.
1) Getting pissed when you log off and want to do other things--for any reason at all--is incredibly inappropriate.
2) Him pressuring you into ERP, even "little things," is making me see red. Imagine a person doing this IRL, whining and cajoling until their friend lets them go "just a little" further than they're comfortable with. Your RP partner is that kind of person and his gratification is more important to him than your feelings on the subject.
3) He's trying to assume control of what you do in the game that he doesn't have any right to. A normal person might be disappointed that you decided to turn your character into a Death Knight, but "distraught" is edging into batshit crazy territory. And rewriting your character as a virgin? What the everloving crap? Just his ideas about sex are weird, if that's the type of character trait he considers important, and it sounds as though he's saying that with the assumption that he's eventually going to convince you to RP sex with him.
4) He tried to scare you into thinking you were the one at fault. Good on you for not falling for it, because that will be a cycle with him. Overreact, manipulate you into apologizing, act nice for a while, and then blow his lid again. He wants everything you do to revolve around him.
Tell him in no uncertain terms that his behavior is unacceptable, then /ignore him. He'll try to tell you that you're overreacting, but never speak to him again. /ignore his alts. If he tries something exceedingly ridiculous like a forum post, link to this article. And report him to the GMs for harassment if he continues trying to contact you. It has nothing to do with RP--continued contact with this person will eventually make your playtime miserable. Good luck!
Killik Apr 25th 2010 5:16PM
Totally agree. The way he's trying to manipulate the situation is Creepy Guy 101 - in-game or out of it, tbh.
Aruhgulah Apr 25th 2010 5:54PM
THIS, oh THIS, Irem. Drama Papa's response glossed over the issue. All through the description, I was getting creeped out, and the part about the virginity drove it way past creepy and slammed it doing 150mph into the wall of "GTFO". What's going on IS unhealthy, creepy, and manipulative, there's no "might" about it, and the letter-writer needs to cut off all communication with the jerk and /ignore him, period.
And you're very right about it happening to non-RPers, too, Irem.
Vankay Apr 25th 2010 3:50PM
My story:
Well, im a dude that had the bad idea of RPing with a blood elf female. Been the first time I RPed a female character, she was very un-sexy and cold so nothing sexual crossed her mind and themind of others.
But then I met this guy on general chat, our play times were prety much the same, so we decided to play together, I told him I was a guy, so there was no problem in that department.
But then started to get weird, he constantly made advances towards my character. Well at first I wanted my char to get some nuckie (she was getting old) and in game made sense with her story. But then he wanted to ERP...
That was weird in so many levels... he knew I was a man, but now that i think it he always refered to me by my char's name. He was in love with my character, who mostly was a cold hearted bitch. I avoided him for a few days, but when he wanted me to talk about my... lets say "lady parts" I run away, server transfered and never looked back.
And that was the last time I RPed a female char, well, besides my lesbian draenei
Riondan Apr 25th 2010 5:45PM
off topic, is the mask that orc rogue is wearing in the screenshot....is that an actual in game item? if so can someone give me the wowhead link for it?
Irem Apr 25th 2010 6:21PM
It's the Sen'jin Fetish pet, I think. The player probably used one of these: http://www.wowhead.com/item=35223 on it and stood behind it.
shadcroly Apr 25th 2010 4:34PM
I can understand wanting to have at least a kissing level RP relationship with someone, but it doesn't need to go any deeper than that.
If he wanted it to go deeper then kissing, I get the feeling that's what he really wanted to begin with; and I'm inclined to believe this is the truth even more, considering he wanted the girl's character RPed as a virgin.
Oteo Apr 25th 2010 7:37PM
"The second problem was that he suggested changing the back story of my character to have her be a virgin. It was so that her first sex was more meaningful"
loooooooooooooooool
uh... I had trouble reading after that, but I did my best. Anyone obsessed with a character's virginity that much is really, really creepy and you should run far away. In fact, if I had gotten to that point with anyone I probably would have put them on ignore a long time ago. Creepy.
Oteo Apr 25th 2010 7:45PM
Actually, there's something else that I'm not sure has been addressed which might possible make a decent Lawbringer topic...
What about jailbait? If someone DOES decide to do eRP but is unknowingly doing it with an underage minor, what sort of trouble could they face if parents peeked over the underage party's shoulder and freaked out? That is a huge can of worms I wouldn't want to go anywhere near, so it's just another reason to avoid eRP and explicit RP relationships for me.
Also, if the OP is getting the creepy vibes from this guy, what are his/her options for reporting it as sexual harassment to Blizzard?
ha Apr 25th 2010 7:51PM
i really dont understand the rper's mind. first i find rping to be the most borring thing in the world, is it because my rl life isnt so fucked up i have to revert to a make-believe world to enjoy myself. and second why are people letting obvious 40 year old virgins hiding in some dim-lit basement bother them? trying to whack off to a video game is even worse than a pervert watching porn imo. when i read this column i loled i cant believe people let shit liek this bother them...
let the down votes commence
Al Apr 25th 2010 8:38PM
Down-voted, for hideous structure and grammar.
theRaptor Apr 25th 2010 11:06PM
So you don't listen to music or watch TV or movies? All are forms of escaping into a "fantasy world".
People who don't get RP are the strange ones as the games are designed with a story to help you suspend your disbelief and "be in" the story. If RPing wasn't integral to MMO's, at least at a base level, they wouldn't waste money on stories or art assets. MMO's
Even people that don't run around making RP speeches about their characters motivations are at some level playing a role and reacting to the games story from that frame work. There is a reason "story" based FPS games are more popular than abstract ones where you shoot grey pellets at grey boxes.
uncaringbear Apr 26th 2010 10:46AM
@ha. So you play a mighty adventurer equipped with a mighty weapon and beating the snot out of some monsters in a frozen citadel. Is this what you do in RL too?
BoB Apr 25th 2010 9:01PM
Like stated before, just kill him with your Horde Death Knight (or if you have faction loyalty, just /ignore and report.)