Patch 5.4 patch notes
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The latest patch 5.4 newsBreakfast Topic: A sucker for orphans
by Matthew Rossi 
May 3rd 2010 at 8:00AM
It's hardly a secret that I, WoW.com's resident curmudgeon, hate all things that bring joy to others. Well, okay, that's not true, but in general I'm not a big fan of the in-game celebrations and holidays. Much like a Greench, I seem to find no real reason to celebrate Winter's Veil or participate when Love is in the Air or what have you.
But when it comes to dragging a small child around to the most ridiculously dangerous places in Azeroth and Outland? I am there. You want me to take a blood elf orphan to the Dark Portal, then take her to Utgarde Pinnacle and kill King Ymiron in front of her? It's on like Donkey Kong, my friends. I am ridiculously eager to take this kid to visit her little mushroom friends and get her jumped by dragonkin in the Caverns of Time. It's not the pets (although I do enjoy my elekk) so much as this is something I can actually believe a battle-hardened old warrior would actually do. And it amuses me to imagine the smile on the Orphan Matron's face slowly turn to a horrified rictus as Salandria (that's the blood elf tyke in the picture above) relates how I took her to the site of a battle with demons, killed enemy combatants in front of her and dragged her to Silvermoon to stare at musicians.
I bet the musicians are what horrifies her the most. I don't know why, but for some reason I find the idea of my tauren or draenei going, "You want me to take you to a place where time doesn't work, right? Okay. Sounds fine," to be absolutely hilarious and yet totally in character. I mean, these guys routinely fight dragons and old gods and so on; they probably think everyone should get a chance to see a vrykul king die.
So how do you feel about Children's Week?
But when it comes to dragging a small child around to the most ridiculously dangerous places in Azeroth and Outland? I am there. You want me to take a blood elf orphan to the Dark Portal, then take her to Utgarde Pinnacle and kill King Ymiron in front of her? It's on like Donkey Kong, my friends. I am ridiculously eager to take this kid to visit her little mushroom friends and get her jumped by dragonkin in the Caverns of Time. It's not the pets (although I do enjoy my elekk) so much as this is something I can actually believe a battle-hardened old warrior would actually do. And it amuses me to imagine the smile on the Orphan Matron's face slowly turn to a horrified rictus as Salandria (that's the blood elf tyke in the picture above) relates how I took her to the site of a battle with demons, killed enemy combatants in front of her and dragged her to Silvermoon to stare at musicians.
I bet the musicians are what horrifies her the most. I don't know why, but for some reason I find the idea of my tauren or draenei going, "You want me to take you to a place where time doesn't work, right? Okay. Sounds fine," to be absolutely hilarious and yet totally in character. I mean, these guys routinely fight dragons and old gods and so on; they probably think everyone should get a chance to see a vrykul king die.
So how do you feel about Children's Week?
Filed under: Breakfast Topics
Reader Comments (Page 4 of 7)
JayPea May 3rd 2010 1:54PM
"Oh wait, did I say 'effort'? My bad - that must be the problem."
Exactly which part of 'I will continue to try and complete this frustrating and mind numbingly designed achievement until the holiday is finished' was difficult to comprehend?
Rob May 3rd 2010 8:16AM
Eh, i did it twice already. I may do it again but it's somewhat dull and pointless to me. For those who like it, great!
Josin May 3rd 2010 8:19AM
My guild, a bunch of raiders who primarily are not known for their RP, broke down last night and started telling stories about their orphans.
One fell asleep with her orphan on the couch during nap time (aww...) our rogue guild leader brought his back carrying a pair of butter knives strapped to his belt (cute!0, and my overachieving warrior brought back 3 orphans: a human, draenei and gorloc, all dressed in miniature armor, swords and shield (blunted, for safety) that she'd smithed for them. Then she took them to the armory and smacked them around with a padded mace. There is a tank shortage, afterall. Gotta start training them young!
nevwyn May 3rd 2010 8:20AM
Aside from the sheer hate coming over vent as my less pvp inclined deal with School of Hard Knocks, I tend to enjoy Children's week. I like the Northrend orphans the best simply due to Kekek being a jerk, but then so are my characters most of the time.
minttunator May 3rd 2010 9:14AM
I found Kekek adorable! :D
xvkarbear May 3rd 2010 8:29AM
I'm really bummed out.
I did the outland quests last night.. but my draenei did nothing. She tried to summon people, but I couldn't click the portal. My boyfriend tells me she also summons elementals during the exodar chain and that the timekeepers try to attack her in caverns of time. For me, none of this happened.. I went to those places, summoned her, and got the mark for completion. Nothing extraordinary happened, the most she did was run to her brother and say hi.
T_T
Nodonn May 3rd 2010 8:31AM
Any semblance of joy I got out of this holiday has been sapped away by that god awful achievement.
AltairAntares May 3rd 2010 12:38PM
This. I enjoyed eveything else. That moronic achievement managed to sap any possible fun from it.
themightysven May 3rd 2010 8:31AM
while the BC and WotLK orphans are cute, the vanilla orphans are kinda dumb. not their models, but the things they say.
Does that make me a horrible person?
zubbiefish May 3rd 2010 8:41AM
Yes.
Possum May 3rd 2010 8:49AM
Stupid babies need the most attention!
Kemikalkadet May 3rd 2010 8:57AM
Salandria and the Gorlock orphan both sent me thank-you letters (that's an awesome touch), but i didn't hear a thing from the little orc kid... ungrateful bastard.
JoyRelic May 3rd 2010 8:42AM
The achievement school of hard knocks took 4 hrs but felt sense of real relief and acomplishment once done, that's why it should stay as part of the meta!
Orphan week is great and this year the orphanage will get a donation from all the chocolate cakes at 185g I sold lol wish i could have the dranei girl instead of other pets, she's quite funny!
Deathknighty May 3rd 2010 8:49AM
It worries me that there are people who want orphaned children as personal vanity pets.
BigBadGooz May 3rd 2010 9:27AM
Ever been to a little leauge baseball game? Yes IRL parents treat kids as thier pets.
I used to umpire said games.
However I would like to adopt my little dranie orphan my shammy loves kids especialy in icc gotta teach the little brat how to not stand in defile and how it feels to have your soul riped out by the litch king.
Also I think we would have less wolvar orphans if we stoped I dunno killing thier parents and stuffing thier children in bags and handing them to tuskar.
Deathknighty May 3rd 2010 10:34AM
It worries me that there are people who want to take orphaned children to Icecrown Citadel and allow their souls to be ripped out by the Lich King and trapped inside Frostmourne purely in order to let them know what it's like.
BigBadGooz May 3rd 2010 12:57PM
I like to think of it as a learning expierence. Beter now than 10-15 years laterwhen he/she will have to kill the next wrath of the litch king aka bolivar. Also better to experience these sorts of things with a partner. Maybe I'll give that little drani girl my armor when I'm done with it can't rip the flesh off babies with wind without looking sexy.
myxheroxzero May 3rd 2010 8:46AM
Only have the daily quest achev. to go. Spent the whole day yesterday trying to convince my teams to stop killing the guys in AV who were trying to help us and the groups of people who thought capturing the center on EoS was a waste of time.
/deepbreath
but its over now, back to PvE for this resto-druid.
TonyKP May 3rd 2010 9:12AM
Capturing the center in EotS actually *is* a bad idea if you're trying to win. It's better to take and hold three towers and let the opposing side have the flag. Flag running isn't a complete waste of time if you can't hold that third tower, but you should definitely try a three cap first. I suspect that the normal battleground folks were upset that so many people went straight for the flag.
Possum May 3rd 2010 8:47AM
Picture this: A grotesque undead abomination walks into an orphanage, reeking of decay, and dangerous fel energies, their clothing soaked in the blood of their enemies and covered in the excretions, venom and internal organs of over a dozen forms of Azerothian wildlife.
*This* is the person you had a small child over to, no questions asked? They're *hoping* you get the little squirt killed. One less kid to pick up after.