World of WarCrafts: Everybody's Free
by Lisa Poisso 
May 3rd 2010 at 9:00AM
World of WarCrafts spotlights art and creativity by WoW players, including fan art, cooking, comics, cosplay, music and fan fiction. Show us how you express yourself; contact our tips line (attention: World of WarCrafts) with your not-for-profit, WoW-inspired creations.
It's been a while since WoW player Dan (aka Nemikahn) came up with this WoW-flavored twist on "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)," released in 1998 by Baz Luhrmann. "I have shared it on my guild's forums and once posted it on the Blizzard forum," he writes, "only to watch it scroll quickly off the page since nearly a year has gone by since anyone has seen it." We're glad Dan contacted us to share it anew (and for those of you who don't frequent the Blizzard forums). The Lurhmann song was inspired by an essay titled "Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young" written by Mary Schmich and published in the Chicago Tribune as a column in 1997. Both its subject and tone are similar to the 1927 poem "Desiderata." While Dan makes no claim to the original concept, the WoW-related revision is solely his own creation.
Ladies and gentlemen of Azeroth,
Roll a bank alt.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, a bank alt would be it.
The long-term benefits of bank alts have been proved by scientists,
whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering leveling ...
I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of the Horde.
Oh, never mind;
you will not understand the power and beauty of the Horde
until you have rolled an Ally.
But trust me, in 20 levels you'll look back at screenshots of yourself
and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you
and how stupid you really looked ...
You're not as 'leet as you imagine.
Don't worry about patch day;
or worry, but know that worrying is
as effective as trying to pug a 40-man raid.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be
things that gank you while AFK;
the kind that blind-side you at a quest turn-in in contested territory.
Do one battleground every day.
Chat.
Don't be reckless with other people's repair bills;
don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
RP.
Don't waste your time on DPS jealousy;
sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind ...
On long bosses, what matters the most is downing him.
Remember the buffs you receive, forget the debuffs;
if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Save copies of your old in-game mail; it only lasts 30 days.
/stretch
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what spec you want to take.
The most 'leet people I know didn't know at level 22
what they wanted to do with their toons.
Some of the most leet 80s I know respec daily.
Get plenty of buff food.
Be kind to your weapon; you'll miss it when durability hits 0%.
Maybe you'll raid, maybe you won't.
Mmaybe you'll grind rep, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll respec at 40, maybe you'll perfect your rotation at 80 ...
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either –
your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your gear; use it every way you can ...
Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it.
It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
/dance ... even if you have nowhere to do it but on mailboxes
Read the quest description, even if you don't follow it.
Do NOT read Barrens chat; it will only make you feel dumb.
(Brother and sister, together we'll make it through
Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you've been hurting, and I know I've been waiting to be there
for you. And I'll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can.
Everybody's free.)
Get to know your guild leaders; you never know when they'll be
gone for good.
Be nice to your guildmates; they are the best hope for heroics and the
people most likely to go on raids in the future.
Understand that PUGs come and go,
but for the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in gear and play time
because the higher level you get, the more you need the people you knew
when you were a lowbie for raids.
Try mining once, but quit before it makes you hard;
try tailoring once, but quit before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths.
Mat prices will rise, gold spammers will spam,
you too will get ganked, and when you do, you'll fantasize
that when you were new prices were reasonable,
spammers were few
and noobs respected level 80s.
Respect level 80s.
Don't expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe you have a max trade skill,
maybe you have a high-level alt;
but you never know when either one
might get nerfed.
Don't mess too much with your hair;
the beauty parlor was just a plot for a gold sink.
Be careful whose leveling guide you buy;
it might be available for free elsewhere.
Rerolling is a form of nostalgia;
low-level re-questing is a way of fishing the past
from the disposal, wiping it off,
painting over the ugly parts and recycling it
for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the bank alt ...
(Brother and sister, together we'll make it through
Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you've been hurting, and I know I've been waiting to be there
for you. And I'll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can.
Everybody's free.)
World of WarCrafts spotlights art and creativity by WoW players, including fan art, cooking, comics, cosplay, music and fan fiction. Show us how you express yourself by e-mailing lisa (at) wow (dot) com with your not-for-profit WoW-inspired creations. Filed under: World of WarCrafts
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Mike May 3rd 2010 9:10AM
I saw a different take on this one (old, lolspellhit ;-) ), I liked it a little more, as it is somewhat closer to the original, and resonates just a little more with me.
Ladies and gentlemen: Equip spell hit.
If I could offer you only one tip, spell hit would be it. The long-term benefits of spell hit have been proven by theorycrafters, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now:
* Enjoy the game as you're playing it. Oh, never mind. You won't truly appreciate the game you're playing now until it's gone. But trust me, in a couple of years you'll look back at screenshots and wonder why they don't make games like this anymore.
* You are not as leet as you imagine.
* Don't worry about the drops. Or worry, but know that filling in that last epic makes no difference to your future progression. Spend that time and effort concentrating on the latest dungeon and before you know it you'll be in 7/8 of the next tier up and worrying about that drop instead.
* Don't do dailies that bore you.
* Sing on Vent. Mute yourself if you have to.
* Don't be thoughtless on other people's time. Don't put up with people who are thoughtless on yours.
* Flask.
* Don't waste your time on drama. Sometimes everyone wants to be your buddy, and sometimes they don't. In the end, all you'll be left with are the memories of how you treated them.
* Be confident. Remember that everyone else is as nervous and uncertain as you are, so don't be intimidated by them. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
* Keep your old tiered sets. Vendor your old resist gear.
* Stretch.
* Don't feel guilty if you don't want to proceed at the same pace as everyone else. If you have commitments in your life and you can't keep up with the schedule, drop down a guild. If you want more from the game, seek it out.
* Remember your five a day.
* Be kind to your healers. You'll miss them when they're gone.
* Maybe you'll wipe, maybe you won't. Maybe your guild'll collapse, maybe it won't. Maybe you'll quit in bitter disgust, or maybe you'll be scoring world firsts in Tier 8 with your face on the back page of the sports section. Whatever happens, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
* Enjoy your toon. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of other aspects of the game. If you PVP, instance. If you raid, try a BG. Explore your full potential.
* /Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but the mailbox.
* Read the strat, even if you don't follow it.
* Do not read WWS threads. They will only make you feel incompetent.
* Get to know your guild leader. He's only human, just like you.
* Be nice to your guildmates. Your experience and theirs will be all the better for it.
* Friends come and go, but when you meet someone you really do get on with, make the effort to keep them. There is life after WoW, and maybe you'll be playing World of Starcraft II with them or asking for their advice on choosing a mortgage down the road somewhere.
* Raid all day, every day from the patch to score that kill once, but stop before it makes you bitter. Raid four hours once a week for a whole year once, but stop before it makes you weaksauce.
* Collect flight points.
* Accept certain inalienable truths: Bosses will be nerfed, loot will become more accessible and you will become jaded. When you do, you'll fantasize that a few years ago bosses were legendary, loot was prestigious and newbies respected more experienced players.
* Respect more experienced players.
* Don't expect anyone else to support you. Bring your own potions, and your own reagents.
* Don't buy BOE blues off the auction house or by the time you're 40 you won't be able to afford a mount until you're 55.
* Be careful whose advice you take, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice in WoW is like a loot table. You never know whether what you're getting is better off sharded than rolled on. People will hand on to you whatever rubbish their older brother's cousin's class leader told them, and you're the one who's going to have to pick through it looking for the upgrades.
But trust me on the spell hit.
Obeyfez May 3rd 2010 9:45AM
Despite the dated references, this is definitely better. Thanks for sharing this.
TechXero May 3rd 2010 9:40AM
Truly epic, I still have that original song. Though the only thing I'm against on the WoW lyrics is the Roll Playing, it's just not for me.
Malkavos May 3rd 2010 4:38PM
I'm against playing with your food as well. Baked goods make good side dishes, but terrible companions. Role playing can be fun though, with some like-minded and intelligent folks.
Brendan May 3rd 2010 9:41AM
It's a shame that it would get immediately scrolled into oblivion on the official forums. Thanks for putting it up on here guys.
Several points of the original version I resonate with and if you haven't, you really should sit and LISTEN to it.
Mega kudo's to Nemikahn for having the inventiveness to put a WoW spin on it so creatively.
Michael Martine May 3rd 2010 9:50AM
This makes me wish I did machinima (hint, hint).
Ulurjah May 3rd 2010 10:02AM
No offense, and I'm sure I'm going to be down rated for this ... but there's probably a reason it keeps scrolling off the pages on the official forums. It's not really very good. The author was obviously trying too hard to substitute as many words as he could to make it more "WoW" and ended up butchering the flow of the original horribly.
The first comment was much closer to nailing it.
Risible May 3rd 2010 10:13AM
This brought a smile to my face, nice cover, thanks!
DrGerm May 3rd 2010 12:18PM
That was actually fun and funny to read. Thanks.
TechXero May 3rd 2010 5:46PM
Woops shows how much I role play. XD
If you find role playing fun then more power to you =]
Digits May 3rd 2010 7:17PM
The part in the first comment about certain inaliable truths is so true!
Truffled May 4th 2010 12:47AM
Hmm, I'm not sure when Dan wrote his, but I wrote one as well... don't remember the specific date, but it was before Burning Crusade, cause I remember updating it to reflect the new level cap once it came out. Here's Mine:
Advice, like Epic Gear, probably just wasted on the Newbs
Horde and Alliance who play World of Warcraft:
Wear headgear.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, headgear would be it. The long-term benefits of headgear have been proved by raids and parties, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of leveling. Oh, nevermind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your trek to 70 until you have reached that level. But trust me, in 70 levels, you'll look back at screencaps of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous the trip really was. You are not as weak as you imagine.
Don't worry about future expansions. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to gank a rogue 30 levels above you. The real troubles in your game are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind of patches that blindside you at 5 to 11 am on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that gets you experience.
Gather.
Don't be reckless when playing with other players. Don't put up with people who play reckless with yours.
Repair.
Don't waste your time on mount envy. Sometimes you're ahead in gold, sometimes you're behind. The grind is long and, in the end, it's only money.
Remember compliments you receive when playing your class. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your lucky rabbit's foot. Throw away the Shriveled Heart.
Upgrade.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know how to spec your character. The most interesting people I know didn't know at level 10 what they wanted to do with their characters. Some of the most interesting level 70's I know still don't.
Get plenty of enchants. Be kind to your matching gear. You'll miss it when it is gone.
Maybe you'll do Battlegrounds, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have alts, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll delete your character at level 40, maybe you'll /dance the day you ding 70. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your spec. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the the one thing that makes your character your own.
/Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but the top of the mailbox.
Read your quest log, even if you don't follow it.
Do not read the forums. They will only make you feel bitter.
Get to know your guildmates. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to the real life freinds you've brought to Azeroth. They're your best link to the outside world and the people most likely to talk with you outside the game about WoW.
Understand that gear comes and goes, but there are a precious few items you should hold on to. Work hard to bridge the gaps in level and bank space, because the higher level you get, the more you will want the trinkets you had when you were lower level.
Play one a PvP server once, but know that it will make you hard. Play on a PvE once, but know that it will make you soft. Do Quests.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Auction House prices will rise. Devs will nerf. You, too, will gain levels. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were lower level, prices were reasonable, the classes were balanced and players respected their guild leaders.
Respect your guild leader.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a high level alt. Maybe you'll have wealthy guildmates. But you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your UI or by the time you're level 70 it will be a cluttered mess.
Be careful whose sevices you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Service is a part of the economy. Dispensing it is a way of taking a skill, dusting it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the headgear.