Drama Mamas: Make it work
by Robin Torres 
May 14th 2010 at 9:00AM
Wives get a bad reputation. We are often portrayed more like evil stepmothers than the helpmates and lovers that we would like to be seen as. Some of us deserve it, from time to time. But often we are just trying to be the voice of responsibility in the face of a spouse who's behaving more like a carefree teen. Supervisors and guild leaders are also put in uncomfortable situations, where they are forced to be The Bad Guy in order take care of their responsibilities. This week, we mamas put on our stern caps and wag our fingers a bit more than usual. But we really hope things turn out well for the letter writer and those he interacts with.
Dear Drama Mamas, I play WoW at work. Wife aggro is extremely bad at home (seriously, she makes up excuses to keep me from playing), so the only time I play there is if she is asleep or out of the house, neither of which happens often.
The problem with playing at work is that I have to go AFK fairly often to take care of customers. Depending on the customer, it could take anywhere from a couple of seconds to a couple of hours. When I am soloing (as an altaholic, I do that often), it is not a problem; but if I try to do a 5-man or raid, I waste other people's time when I go AFK.
Last week, I was in a guild raid, got a customer, and announced that I was going AFK. After ten minutes, I snuck back to my desk, told the guild that I may be a while longer, and they can replace me if they can find another healer. They managed to find a replacement and booted me. Later on, I got a tell from a guildmate that some officers have been complaining that I go AFK a lot.
When I heard that there were complaints against me, I was determined to find out how I can fix it. The guild I am in is filled with very nice, non-confrontational people; so I knew that any hard decisions were going to have to come from me. I could swear off raids and 5-mans altogether, but then I would miss out on a huge portion of the game. I could push for playing at home, but it would be a long, uphill battle that may destroy my marriage (yeah, she's that stubborn). The suggestion I gave to the raid leader was that I am to be treated as a stand-in, and anyone that wants my spot can have it, regardless to whether or not I am AFK at the time. I am also to be booted if I am AFK for a ready check, minimizing the amount of time the raid loses if I have to go AFK unannounced.
The raid leader agreed, but I do not feel at peace with how I handled the situation. We don't have a lot of active raiders in the guild, but we typically have a couple of people on a wait list. Now any person on the wait list automatically gets my spot, which could prove to be very inconvenient. At the same time, raiding is a time commitment, and playing at work puts me in no condition to be raiding in the first place. Please tell me how I can enjoy the game without being a burden. Thanks, AFK
Drama Mama Robin: AFK, I'm going to be a bit harsh here. You are making your teammates, employer and customers pay for the fact that you haven't solved your wife aggro issues. You are letting your wife dictate your leisure time, and that is a problem that has nothing to do with Azeroth. We've already dedicated a column to advice for people in your situation. Rather than just giving up on playing at home, take a look at our suggestions and some of the things the commenters say. You can and should work on your relationship with your wife as your highest priority. I don't know the source of your wife's not wanting you to play. She may be being completely unreasonable, or you may be neglecting her. Again, I don't know. But fixing the real source of your problem will help everything else fall into place.I also read your letter and get a bit stressed on your behalf. In this economy, doing something like playing WoW at work is extremely risky. Even if you say to yourself, "I'm helping the customers first and getting my work done;" you are still playing games at work, on company time and presumably with company equipment and bandwidth. Most companies consider this an offense worth firing over. And let's say your supervisors know and condone this -- do you think they're going to promote the guy who plays games at work or the person who doesn't? I won't get all preachy about the ethical issues as well, but from a purely practical standpoint, you should really consider all of the ramifications of playing at work.
While you're fixing your issues at home and if you continue to play at work, I really do think that to be considerate to both your customers and your guildmates, you should not do instances at all. Yes, you are missing out on a huge part of the game -- but consider it an incentive to fix your relationship issues sooner rather than putting them off.
Drama Mama Lisa: What a tangled mess! You're ruining your enjoyment of a favorite leisure activity because you're hiding it from your wife and customers? There's not a pretty way to paint this picture. I agree wholeheartedly with Robin that being forthright with your wife is your first order of business. Before you begin, though, I'd encourage you to spend time reflecting on your priorities. Right now, it appears that you've placed World of Warcraft squarely at the top of your list.
- You've prioritized WoW above your marriage by whisking your play time to another venue, rather than navigating through whatever concerns are causing all the hard feelings.
- You've prioritized WoW above your work, by inappropriately dividing your time and attention and depriving your customers of considerate, thorough service.
- You've prioritized your personal WoW goals above the needs of the very groupmates and guildmates who are helping you achieve them, by insisting on grouping and raiding at times when you know you are unable to give your undivided attention.
Drama Buster of the Week
If you have a blowout with a guildie, sleep on it before you take your grievances to the guild forums. And maybe do some yoga, run a few miles, do some kickboxing -- whatever helps you get rid of your aggression. Then write the post, but don't post it. Let it sit a few hours before you commit. The calmer and more rational you are, the more support you will gain.
Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at DramaMamas (at) WoW (dot) com.Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Drama Mamas
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 4)
Tim May 14th 2010 9:07AM
I married a woman that is very independent and have only had stern looks a time or two because of WoW. Yay me! Sorry AFK. Talk to your wife. Better now than later. Get it out there and do what the drama mamas say. Much wisdom is to be had in their words. Peace.
steven.fuller May 14th 2010 10:24AM
My wife and I have had an agreement since we were dating. Wednesday and Friday nights are guaranteed alone time for both of us. It doesn't matter where we go or what we do, that is our time. I choose to spend mine raiding on those 2 nights. If she wants to go out, she leaves our 2 kids at home-- why not? We even send the kids to different areas of the house to do whatever they want. We call it "private time" and everyone takes it, because we all need it.
There have been times that we didn't raid and her response has always been "hope you find something to do". We balance this out by making Saturday a strict date night. No one can inturrupt it, unless we choose to have friends over together. Saturday day is a family day, and we spend it outside as often as possible. Also, she plays (started when she was on bed rest while preggars) but very casually, so she understands the nature of committing to a 5 man or a raid.
Creating an understanding and having an open conversation about your personal time is the only way to go. Besides, its just a game. If it comes down to it I would rather have my wife happy.
Ulurjah May 14th 2010 2:42PM
My wife and I play together. We also recently became full time college students to finish our degree goals (Doctorate for me, Masters for her). The way we handle WoW is simple. We play at certain times that we schedule and we don't play the other times.
A Marriage is work, and if you find yourself slipping, do yourself and your wife a favor. Sit down and talk through things. Explain to her what WoW does for you or means to you. And then suggest that you set aside time for WoW for you, time where you handle whatever while she has her own alone time, or "Private" time as the above poster said, and most importantly schedule way more time together.
You can play WoW, and even raid, without playing every day.
Aaron May 14th 2010 9:12AM
I played with several people that have ruined relationships, marriages etc over this game and for the longest time I just didn't get it. Guess I still don't. Blizz is making the game much easier to be casual. Maybe this altaholic needs to stick with one toon so he doesn't feel pressured to gear up so many freakin' toons? That way he can get in run a heroic, do whatever dailies he needs, spend some time goofing off and then move on to the wifey. She probably just needs attention/affection and if he would dedicate a few hours EVERY evening with her she would probably let him play WoW w/e.
Kz May 14th 2010 9:18AM
My wife prefers me to play Wow. Keeps me out of her hair.
Gamer am I May 14th 2010 9:18AM
Very good advice in the Drama Buster of the Week, and it's advice that can be generally applied to life, as well; my skin has been saved more times than I care to remember because I carefully considering what I was posting/e-mail/whatever and waited until I calmed down to make the decision.
Hairfish May 14th 2010 9:29AM
I'm a wife whose husband has his own interests and hobbies, and who doesn't mind my playing WoW. In return, I never walk between him and the t.v. during a NASCAR race. :)
vinniedcleaner May 14th 2010 9:30AM
AFK needs to take a hard long look at his marriage. I doubt that this is the only area that she is so unyielding in and maybe it might be best if he cut his losses and moved on.
Gemini May 14th 2010 10:14AM
Without knowing all the information, one should NEVER recommend divorce. It's not something to be taken lightly or casually. This isn't high school, a marriage is more than just a boyfriend and girlfriend. You don't just tell people to cut and run on a whim.
danawhitaker May 14th 2010 12:10PM
I concur, and I'm coming at this from a female perspective. Run, don't walk. Sorry. If she's that controlling in one area, I'm sure there's more, and that's not healthy. I'm sure the controlling of WoW time is only a symptom of a larger problem in the marriage that needs to be addressed.
If it's an otherwise happy marriage, and this control thing is just a fluke, then I'd advise demanding playtime equal to whatever leisure time the wife spends on her hobbies and interests, and if she HAS no hobbies or interests (I've seen this, and find it extremely pathetic), make her take up some so she has something to do with her time other than control her husband's.
Birdfall May 14th 2010 12:46PM
I vote for marriage counseling. That way, they can get to the root of issues and find out if they're solvable or not.
Robin Torres May 14th 2010 1:47PM
Is she unyielding? Or did they already agree on some WoW playtime and he abused it? We just don't know.
Maybe she is as unreasonable as the wife in the first letter we received about this seemed to be. Or maybe he is as irresponsible at home as he is at work and his WoW gaming is the scapegoat.
Regardless, WoW is never the problem. It is usually a nonselfsufficient partner or an addicted gamer or some other underlying situation. If he doesn't tackle the real issue, even if he does leave her, he is bound to repeat the same mistakes in his next relationship.
Sir7 May 15th 2010 3:06AM
Boy, the Drama Mamas love putting opinions and throats together, in a kind of shoving motion. Hm. You can't be seriously spouting "we just don't know" as often as you have through this whole article/comments without considering: Maybe he's allowed to play at work? Some jobs are a lot of sitting until someone comes up. And sometimes even, if you work for a reasonable person who understands that you can't do anything when there's nothing to do (not a Drama Mama), you can occupy yourelf!
vinniedcleaner May 15th 2010 9:37PM
@Gemini
That's why I said he needed to take a look at his marriage instead of yelling "DIVORCE THE B*TCH!"
To paraphrase Christopher Titus, you don't get a rebate at the end of your life just because you stayed with someone that made you miserable.
Prissa May 14th 2010 9:31AM
"The couple that plays together stays together." I like this motto and I'm lucky enough to have it apply to me. It is unfortunate that issues like these can't be so simply solved.
Using logic, she mustn't like you playing for a reason. There never is just no reason. So find out what the reason is, work at fixing it up, and the rest should be able to somewhat settle into place. Going by how you said that your marriage could break up over WoW aggro, there is clearly something serious going on that hasn't been addressed in the letter. It's not necessarily our business to know what it is, but I think that's where you're going to find your answers.
Mike May 14th 2010 9:37AM
My girlfriend likes me playing WoW... as she's also a nerd, and will be starting to play herself within the next couple of weeks!
Rob May 14th 2010 9:42AM
As usual I 100% agree w/ the drama mamas. I'm in a position where for days on end I am not given any assignments. I try to do what I can to generate work but there is only so much I can do. I frequent wow.com more often that I should, but I also focus on career advancement. The web is huge, and I've taken advantage of it by finding professional organizations, social (professional) networking, picked up new skills, taken online classes, prepare for certification exams. If you have so much downtime right now you should really take advantage of it in a professional manner.
ambermist May 14th 2010 10:12AM
I like this.
Although his supervisors had no problem with him playing at work (in fact, one of them used to play with him), my husband decided to uninstall WoW on his work computer.
He's really been suffering a bit; he realizes now that he was using WoW as an escape at work way more than he should've been, and he's had to go through some withdrawal, but he's getting over that. He's being groomed for a position with more specific job qualifications, so he's been using his former WoW time to take online classes to improve his skillset.
And I'm really proud of him. :-D
Arann May 14th 2010 9:47AM
"...often we are just trying to be the voice of responsibility in the face of a spouse who's behaving more like a carefree teen."
WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS KILL MY FUN?!?
Er... (cough) I mean...
Congrats on another well-written response to another relationship question. It's often so easy to skirt around the actual issues in a relationship rather than deal directly with them. Thanks for another reminder to evaluate our priorities and take a hard look at what's going on in our relationships with our spouses/significant others.
I would encourage AFK (and others in his situation) to address a situation like this in a calm but direct manner (maybe over some hot chocolate.) If you're really not playing a game at home at all because of your wife, maybe it's time to discuss setting some boundaries to give yourself needed self-time. Propose what seems to be a reasonable amount of time for you.
For me, that means 6 dedicated hours of raid time per week. When I first proposed this to my wife, her immediate response was, "but you play a lot already!" I explained to her that if I could be assured of two 3-hour raid nights per week as my self-time, I would prioritize spending time with her above my other play time.
Now, if I'm not raiding and she wants to spend time together, I wrap up what I'm doing and join her. Meanwhile, she has her own self-time while I raid to catch up on her reading or enjoy some of her hobbies without worrying that she's neglecting me. And thanks to my ability to be a solid raid attendee, I was able to be in on our guild-first Arthas kill (as well as a lot of other firsts). Having scheduled self-time can be beneficial to both of you!
If your wife is unwilling to let you have even a few hours a week, you might have some deeper-seated issues. Now, that being said, if you've got 5 kids at home and she doesn't let you play because she wants your help so she can get a moment of peace, that's different. But, if she truly is "making up excuses to keep (you) from playing," you might want to assess why that is. Maybe you could even ask her directly?
Whatever you do, if you discuss this with your wife, be willing to look at yourself honestly. Be willing to admit you're wrong when you are, and be ready to be very gracious and understanding of your wife's point of view. If she just wants to spend more time with you, take it as a compliment, and try to work out a compromise. There is nothing wrong with setting some boundaries to afford you a small portion of your time at home to pursue your hobbies. Finally, I would highly suggest that you read the related Drama Mamas post linked in the article-it really is quite well done.
Rob May 14th 2010 11:01AM
Ugh, I wish my wife would let me raid. She really hates it that i would spend 3 hours uninterrupted time on the game in a scheduled manner. I used to be a hardcore raider and it really took its toll on our relationship, but nowadays I play 30 min to an hour in the morning before work, and an hour or maybe two max in the evening. Enough for a heroic or a weekly, but that's mostly it. I try to PUG when I can since my schedule is unpredictable.
Scheduled raids also take a toll on the social life; "i cant do activity X because I need to play a computer game" is a weak excuse to your RL friends IMO. But anyway yeah i really miss being in a progression guild.
It is what it is. I cherish my wife far more than a game.