Skip to Content
7-22-2010 @ 4:51AM
TO: KING OF THE DWARVES MAGNI BRONZEBEARD, IRONFORGE.FROM: CENARION CIRCLERE: [OMITTED FOR SAFETY]/BRANN BRONZEBEARDFOR YOUR EYES ONLYInspecting the grounds of Ahn-Qiraj, we came across this "lost" recording of your brother's work in Silithus, where he managed to get audience with [OMITTED]. He appeared to have time to edit it somewhat in his outing.As we expected, Brann did not get any more info about [OMITTED]. But we are impressed with your brother's willpower. To say the least. -END MESSAGE. VIDEO BEGINS-BRANN BRONZEBEARD, dwarf adventurer: Oi! This be Brann Bronzebeard with a Bran'new venture on me on show, "Brannspanking Azeroth!" on the Uncovery Channel - Uncover yer whirl! So here I am deep under the sands of Silithus, looking for one of Azeroth's most enigmatic buggers, the Old Gods! They say there's either a dead one or an asleep one 'ere. And buggers there are too! This tunnel I'm in was made by big scary bugs that ate all of me crew, so we won't have to worry about lunch breaks or the loo. I'm doing everything I can; I hope this is all worth it!(Sign of editing: A flashback to the fateful moment)BRANN: Wiikus, Blaym, help me move this stone ...WIIKUS PANDUMERDE, Gnome director: Ya sure we should move dat? Looks like it was put there to block something ...BRANN: Shut yer trap ya pen pusher, unless ya wanna get back to filmin' scientific poop videos, and help push this rock!(Rockslide shows a passageway, and an ... egg chamber)CANE WIPEFURST the Tauren cameraman: There's eggs here ... getting the camera in for a closer look ...(The egg Cane approaches quivers, then pops, spreading slime across Cane's face. Wiikus vomits. A swarm of baby silithids emerges, engulfing Cane, knocking him down to the floor and stripping him to a bone-white steer skull in seconds. Wiikus gags and upchucks something fierce.)BRANN: HOLY MOOLY! NOW THAT'S OWNING YOUR SUPPER! BLAYM, GET DAT MOTHER!!!(A muscular gnome rushes up, clad in a uniform showing he is a veteran member of Razak's Roughriders. He's also wielding a chaingun ...)BLAYM DABODI, the Gnome merc: (in high-pitched, typical nerdy gnome male voice) PAYBACK TIME! (Chaingun buzz, bullets puncture through hordes of insects, eggs and other horrors in a messy fashion. The scene makes Wiikus barf.)BRANN: Egads, you coulda hold it ...BLAYM: (Stops attack, glares at Brann) What the fu ...BRANN: Not you - keep it up now, plenty of death-dealing for everyone! It's Wiikus here cacking up his guts! Poor Cane died wretchedly, this boy is gonna die retchin! Just how much is in yer belly, wee man?WIIKUS: Sorry, Bra-phlegharghBOOMING, OMINOUS VOICE IN THE DISTANCE: Fhtagn! (Group pauses, stunned. Then Blaym gets hit with a stinger to the shoulder. The sight of blood makes Wiikus retch again).BRANN: Crikey! Yer hit, yer bleedin!BLAYM: I ain't got time to bleed.(A giant claw comes out of a tunnel, decapitating Blaym and shooting up a fountain of blood taller than the gnome. Wiikus, for lack of anything better to do, pukes.)BRANN: Oh my, ya got all the time in da world now ... And will ya stop doin' that, YER MAKIN' ME SICK!(A claw spears through Wiikus' abdomen, and his final action before being ripped asunder by a spreading claw is ... a dry heave.) BRANN: DO I GOTS TO DO THIS MESELF? TIME TO KICK SOME ANSWERS!!!(Sounds of gunfire, screaming, explosives, expletives, flamethrowers and possibly power tools; video cutbacks to a bloodied, dirty Brann)BRANN: So here we are, deep under Ahn' Qiraj itself. And lookee! (Shifts the camera to the Old God's body, a mass of tentacles and an eye.)BRANN: Here be the Old God himself, BREATHIN! Take a moment and relish this with me. Soon all will be revealed! They say the Old Gods, unlike the Burnin' Legion, don't mind mortals being around. They're rarely seen or heard but sure as hell felt. And smell! Like week ol' squid left on the docks! But seriously, it's difficult to really understand them other than they like a state of chaos. They drive the living, the dead and the undead insane. "And with strange aeons, even death may die" -- their worshippers go on with drivel like that. In short, they mock all reality. (whispers, putting the camera back in his face) They're kinda like female dwarves when ya think about it. Anyhoo, this suckers alone and I can tell it wants me to axe it a question -- the answers are here, I can feel it!(Brann coughs, and re-aims the camera at the Old God)BRANN: Uh, hello?C'THUN: (No response)BRANN: Hm. Greetings and salutations? (Nothing). Praise be! (Nothing) Maybe he likes casual ... Yo yo yo! Guess what?C'THUN: Chicken butt.BRANN: (Stunned). Chicken bu - Ah, I'm Brann Bronzebeard and I'm here to get answers about the Old Gods -C'THUN: 42.BRANN: Forty-two? There's 42 of you? You got 42 of those tentacle things, what?C'THUN: The answer.BRANN: Ah, you want to play hardball eh? That's just my game ... I've got to concentrate ... concentrate ...C'THUN: (whispering) Concentrate ... concentrate ...BRANN: Hello?C'THUN: (whispering) Hello? Hello?BRANN: Echo.C'THUN: (mimicking with effect) Echo ... echo ... NOW PINCH HITTING FOR PEDRO BORBON ... MANNY MOTA MOTA MOTA.(A voice from the distance: Sanity is for the weak.)BRANN: Hang on, nobody's gonna be sanitized as long as I have a say, you silly string squid in Sili --C'THUN: And then?BRANN: And then what? Tea and biscuits? Spill the beans already!C'THUN: And then ...BRANN: Whatinthe - Speak bloody common, will ya?C'THUN: And then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then --BRANN: STOP!(SILENCE)BRANN: OK. (Draws breath) C'THUN: AND THEN!BRANN: (Grabs his hat and pulls it over his head and stomps) BAH! Just tell me how the Old Gods came to be, and start at the beginning. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?C'THUN: (DEAD SILENCE. Then in an ominous, booming voice of ancient mystery) First ... the earth ... cooled. Then ... the dinosaurs ... came. But they ... got ... too big ... and ... fat. So ... they ... turned ... into ... oil. And then ... the goblins ... came ... with their ... Mircades-Benzers ... (switches to a faster, hyper voice) and Prince Charming started wearing all of Lady Dye's clothes -BRANN: Right, right but what about the Old Gods?C'THUN: Now. Everything that happens now, is happening now.BRANN: But what happened to you then? Back when Azeroth was young?C'THUN: We passed then.BRANN: When?C'THUN: Just now.BRANN: Well, can't you tell me about then?C'THUN: When?BRANN: Now.C'THUN: Now? I can't.BRANN: Why?C'THUN: We missed it.BRANN: When?C'THUN: Just now.BRANN: (slyly) OK, well ... when will then ... be now?C'THUN: Soon.BRANN: Oh to hell with this! (drops camera, throws something at the Old God in anger and storms back through the hole in the wall, mumbling about heading to Northrend, and the truth is out there.)(C'THUN, meanwhile, moves a tentacle towards the object, grasping it, bringing it to its eye. It is the base and 42nd piece of Atiesh, Greatstaff of the Guardian).C'THUN: OMGWTFBBQICANHAZCHEEZBURGRLOL /dance
First time? A confirmation email will be sent to you after submitting.
Members enter your username and password.
Enter your AOL or AIM screenname and password.
Please keep your comments relevant to this blog entry. Email addresses are never displayed, but they are required to confirm your comments.
When you enter your name and email address, you'll be sent a link to confirm your comment, and a password. To leave another comment, just use that password.
To create a live link, simply type the URL (including http://) or email address and we will make it a live link for you. You can put up to 3 URLs in your comments. Line breaks and paragraphs are automatically converted — no need to use <p> or <br /> tags.