Breakfast Topic: It's probably all the tuskarr's fault

The patron Loa of the Kalu'ak tribe is Oacha'noa, a sea goddess of immeasurable power. How do I know that this eternal is infused with incredible strength? One simple fact -- the tuskarr have not been wiped off the map by their formidable enemies, including the kvaldir, the brutal, devastating mist-walkers fueled by fervor after the desecration of Shield Hill. Trolls, murlocs, gorlocs, kvaldir and wolvar all have run against the impenetrable icy wall of tuskarr and failed to end their tribes. They are protected, watched over and fueled by a Loa god as powerful as the seas themselves. And they must be stopped.
The Lich King is no stranger to testing the strength and will of peoples to serve in his undead army. In fact, the very players themselves are part of this vast, expansion-spanning plan. Northrend is the Lich King's land. He shapes it as he sees fit, pitting tribes against tribes, trolls against trolls and corrupted foe against corrupted foe. The Lich King could very well be testing the tuskarr tribes -- stealing their supplies, corrupting and tricking the well-natured people into stealing the children of their enemies, and destroying the reef bull's attraction to their mates. It is nefarious, to say the least.

So, dear readers, whose fault is all of this, really? Is Basic Campfire going to be the spark that ignites the fires of war? What sinister force on Azeroth, previously unknown to adventurers and factions alike, will rear its ugly head and threaten us all?
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Reader Comments (Page 3 of 4)
MentalElemental Aug 10th 2010 8:43AM
The tusked menace is coming for us and our bukkits!
For some reason the writing style of this article reminds me of the faux book-on-tape Harry Potter parody "Wizard People, Dear Reader." If they are indeed related (and I choose to believe they are), then that would be amazing. If not, oh well; still a very entertaining read.
Namy Aug 10th 2010 8:49AM
Well I've always thought Pengu was evil and then I realised the truth........the Tuskarr have been using him to spy on the brave heroes of Azeroth!
Slowly people started realising that this red eyed penguin was up to something, he was looking all shifty and liked being called sexy (which is unusual for a penguin). So the Tuskarr changed his eyes to blue (contacts I assume) to make him more like the cute and cuddly Mr Chilly. Don't be fooled people, he's watching your every move!
vespers Aug 10th 2010 8:51AM
I buy it.
Prances in Underpantss Aug 10th 2010 8:57AM
Actually, it was the Northsea Freebooter pirates that ransacked Shield Hill, not the Tuskarr. Orfus of Kamagua tasks us with retrieving the stolen relics and returning them to their respective places in Shield Hill. But as the dead Kvaldir say, it's too late.
Now the question is: Why do the Kvaldir only attack Tuskarr settlements? Maybe you are right and the Tuskarr are evil and powerful and drove the Kvaldir from Northrend.
Ryooshi Aug 10th 2010 9:20AM
Diabeetus?
RS Aug 10th 2010 9:44AM
The Wilford Brimleys of WoW.
Grovinofdarkhour Aug 10th 2010 10:34AM
It's all fun and games until someone from Liberty Medical shows up demanding royalties.
omedon666 Aug 10th 2010 9:23AM
TREMBLE IN FEAR!!
For their stock...
Was hard...
To come by!
EaterOfBirds Aug 10th 2010 9:22AM
sentry totem watches over your squabbling and bides its time til dominance in patch 7.0
we're playing into its hands... cataclysm was just a setback.
^ ^
Frank Aug 10th 2010 9:27AM
you can't make me hate the tuskarr. they have the best emotes in the game! BOLON POODOO!
omedon666 Aug 10th 2010 9:36AM
You just know that "Shalaska" is tuskarr for "future slave"!
Ullaana Aug 10th 2010 9:41AM
The true evil on Azeroth is that little thieving kid in Stormwind. He enjoys being able to steal his sister's dolly and not even getting a verbal reprimand. And we watch him do it!
He is a true rogue who hides in plain sight while his power grows. Beware Azeroth, our doom will be upon us unless the heroes of both the Alliance and Horde tan this little brat's hide. It is time to arm ourselves with the "Switch of Corporal Punishment".
Pam Aug 10th 2010 10:27AM
Ya know, I do yell at the kid sometimes, but no one seems to care.
Killik Aug 10th 2010 10:40AM
In ten years' time we'll all be working for him. Or dead at his hand.
Deadlysteve Aug 10th 2010 10:05AM
The real question behind the tuskarr:
Where are the women and children?
honestly, either I'm blind or blizzard was to lazy to make a model of one. that or they all live is some giant yellow submarine, the tuskarr's hidden capital (they've been holding out on us).
unless the lady tuskarr are as uncommenly good looking in apperance as the dudes. ;p
Killik Aug 10th 2010 10:41AM
The best of both worlds - boobs and moustaches.
Grovinofdarkhour Aug 10th 2010 10:39AM
While you face more visible threats... the Tallstriders bide their time.
In the end, you will all be pecked.
(cutaia) Aug 10th 2010 11:01AM
I still say Lil' Timmy is behind everything.
Namy Aug 10th 2010 11:42AM
Didn't you know? The Cataclysm is actually Lil'Timmy and his army of white kittens! I don't know where this dragon nonsense came from...it's kittens I tell you! Lots of them!
Terrant Aug 10th 2010 11:05AM
I predict a new strain of plagued grain spread by a certain persistent Ironforge bread-seller.