Drama Mamas: The case of the friendly hermit
by Robin Torres 
Aug 20th 2010 at 4:00PM
WoW may be both massive and multiplayer, but many of us play it like a single-player game with chat channels. In fact, there are quite a few people who use guild chat and whispers as chat rooms, getting very little playing done during some sessions. And some of us like to either play or chat, but not both. Playing without an invisibility option can be troublesome for those who tend toward hermitism. Hermitness? Hermitacity! Oh, let's just get to the letter.
Dear Drama Mamas,
As a RL introvert, I find it very hard to make friends and feel happiest when I'm on my own. (I went through several years of high school without so much as a single friend and was very happy that way!) But online is very, very different. I find it easy to be myself in guild and general chat and so on, and as a result I attract a lot of friends.
Because of this, often when I login, three to five people will whisper me at once, each expecting to carry a full-on conversation with me.
Lately I've been feeling a lot more reclusive than normal and have left my guild. I just want to play with my best friend, who has no expectations for my chattiness or anything and doesn't make me feel overwhelmed at all. In fact, she's the only person I can talk to without feeling drained. But when other people whisper me I -- even though it's only online -- often just feel overwhelmed and want to be left alone to do my own thing. They don't even give me time to stick up DND!
When that happens, I don't want to ignore them, so I whisper them saying, "I'm sorry, but right now I don't feel like talking," or be even more honest and say, "I'm sorry, but right now a lot of people are talking to me and I feel overwhelmed, so I'm going to put DND up," and I'll often add a "Take care!" so I don't sound like I'm angry or something. I've had to do this more because somehow I've attracted people who are opposite to me in that they will talk and talk and talk.
... But people frequently take offense when I say I want to be left alone, and some still whisper me even when I have DND up! (I usually ignore whispers when that happens, which has angered one of my friends.) I've tried initiating conversations with them when I feel up to being chatty, hoping that would ease it, but that often just encourages them to whisper me more. It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to initiate any conversations because I never feel like chatting to anyone but my best friend anymore. I just feel so drained from it, and I've started hiding on alts and so on.
I do like these people, and want to be their friend, but I know better than to expect a friendship to still happen without my participation -- it's unfair on them. But I'm just not cut out for it!
What do I do? Am I being rude in my request? Am I allowed to ignore whispers if busy/do not disturb is up, or was he right to be angry? Is there a better way I can handle this? I feel it's unfair on both of us to participate in a conversation when I just want to be quiet -- am I wrong? Or am I wrong for wanting so much time either alone or just with a single friend?
With gratitude,
Overly Introverted
Drama Mama Robin: Overly, I know exactly how you feel -- which may seem weird since I run a guild of 1,200+ and love to stream my adventures. I go through periods of extreme social activity and times when I just want to play the game I love without having to be "up" for other people. It's not them, it's me. Of course, I've already outed myself as clinically different, so I have an excuse ... kinda. But this is really a common problem, even among those more extroverted than we are. Everyone wants a little social downtime -- which is why an Invisible status for Real ID would be so popular. This leads me to an important question ...Do you participate in Real ID? If so, you really need to turn that off. You can use parental controls to opt out completely, or just politely tell your friends you are no longer participating and then defriend them all (but your best). Hopefully, you're not, so that you don't have to take this step as it may annoy some of your already-annoyed friends.
Overly, you are obviously a friendly, fun person when you do want to chat, or else people wouldn't want to hang out with you. Yours is kind of the opposite problem of the antisocial guy who wanted friends but was having trouble getting and keeping them. I don't think roleplaying a nasty person will help you in any way, however. So adjusting the advice for him just won't work here.
You seem to be handling talking to your chatty friends pretty well. The drama isn't coming from what you are saying. It's coming from the fact that you are putting yourself in a position to say it at all. I'm sure you don't go to a party and then ask everyone to not talk to you. It's the same situation in Azeroth. Don't go to the same virtual space as your chatty friends when you aren't feeling sociable.
I'm not saying to play another game or not game at all. But if you want to WoW without your chatty friends, then make yourself inaccessible to them. The solution is really simple: solo or play a duo with your best friend on another server when you aren't feeling up to socializing. Good luck and happy hermiting!
Drama Mama Lisa: I feel you, Overly Introverted, I really feel you. Until quite recently, I was a one-character type of gamer, and suggesting that I play an alt on low-key evenings would have been tantamount to telling me not to log in at all. I do have a couple of ideas for you, though, as well as some food for thought.- Stop making explanations and excuses. As your experience has shown you, other players don't really heed your pleas for quiet time; after all, as Robin points out, you've just voluntarily logged in to a social setting. Explanations simply don't sink in, so don't keep trying harder or trying better -- stop trying this tactic at all.
- Use a DND macro. Create a DND macro that's bound to a key you can easily smack the very second you log in, when you're planning a peaceful gaming session. Because your DND status automatically clears itself when you log out, you'll need to be able to reset it immediately when you log in, before anyone can send you a whisper.
- Create an effective DND message. Be matter of fact: "AFK frequently; messages answered later this evening," or "Focused on farming, chat windows hidden; messages answered later this evening," or anything that clearly informs others that you are not monitoring chat in any way.
- Follow up. Did you see how both of my DND message suggestions include "messages answered later this evening"? So do it! I can see that you do value these friendships, so stretch yourself enough to follow up; this investment is worth your time. At the end of the evening (or later during a break, or when you're feeling more energetic), shoot your friends a quick tell: "Psst, was just about to log and remembered to check my chat logs. How are you doing? Just spent a few hours working on Loremaster, and I'm soooo pooped ... Made good progress, though!" Look at all the things this single whisper accomplishes:
- You've reinforced the idea that you really-truly-honest-to-
goodness haven't been checking chat from anyone. Your lack of availability isn't personal. - Their friendship and tell are important enough to you that you're making time to check in.
- You're sharing something about yourself and what you're doing these days.
- You've established that you're ready to log out and set the conversation up to be a short one.
- You've reinforced the idea that you really-truly-honest-to-
- If you miss connections, drop friends an occasional in-game mail. Use the same basic message as above: "Just checked my messages and saw I'd missed a whisper from you, blahblahblah ..." If it's been a while since you were able to chat, tuck in a bouquet of flowers or a Steamy Romance Novel. Or, you know, a 17 Pound Catfish if you're not the sweet type.
Drama buster of the week
Stay clear of knee-jerk reactions to text statements. Sarcasm and other methods of harmless comedy don't translate well in chat channel limitations. Clarify before you invest yourself in messy drama that was totally avoidable. It will also give you a moment to calm down and react more rationally, regardless of the intended meaning -- which is always a good thing.
Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at DramaMamas@wow.com. Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Drama Mamas
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 3)
lawters Aug 20th 2010 4:10PM
(I went through several years of high school without so much as a single friend and was very happy that way!)
This line made me sad. :(
Cyo Aug 20th 2010 4:18PM
Why? Some people genuinely like to be alone. I'm slightly introverted, myself - I know the feeling.
sarlalian Aug 23rd 2010 1:45PM
Introversion / Extroversion are often mistaken for either not having an outgoing personality, or having an outgoing personality, when often that is a side product of the personality type. In truth it is about how people recharge when they are worn out, tired, stressed, etc. Introverted people are unable to recharge, gain energy, feel better when surrounded by other people, and the degree to which it varies can be quite a lot. Extroverted people however tend to recharge more when around other people.
It sucks that there is such a disconnect between introverts and extroverts and they often can't see / feel the other persons point of view.
Not sure how best to convey this information to online friends, as I have been going through this same problem recently. My solution was to start playing SC2 a lot instead of WoW, but that isn't really the ideal solution.
Dest Aug 20th 2010 5:01PM
If you're not an introverted person, there's no way you can ever understand how much happier introverts tend to be when left alone. I've got my fiance' and can count my true friends (who I see about once a month or less) on one hand, I've never been happier.
Scooter Aug 20th 2010 5:38PM
There's a real difference between the desire to be ignored and the desire to be alone.
People who want to be left alone aren't anti-social. They just value their personal time/lives. People like that will open up when they want to and are very much the same kind of people you might chat with on a day to day basis.
People who want to be ignored don't want any interaction at all. They don't want anything to do with you and want you to stay out of their lives. Cry for them not us.
Muse Aug 20th 2010 5:42PM
That, and the people you make friends with in school aren't your friends because you're great personality matches. They're your friends because you happen to be in the same place at the same time.
Wix Aug 20th 2010 6:23PM
I, too, prefer to be alone. Like Overly Introverted, I feel drained when I am around people for too long, though I do go through patches of extreme sociability. I have a whole list of 'hiding' toons on a separate realm from my mains, for when I just really need to be alone. I used to feel guilty about this, but then I read this lovely article "Caring For Your Introvert", and I felt suddenly vindicated. Now I know: it's okay to be extremely introverted. But to avoid hurt feelings, if I really want to be alone and play, I go to my 'hiding' realm. I haven't really had any problems since then, though a couple of my friends are annoyed I steadfastly refuse to join Real ID.
Gamer am I Aug 20th 2010 6:35PM
Obligatory link to said wonderful article: http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/03/caring-for-your-introvert/2696/
kunukia Aug 20th 2010 8:27PM
I too am an introvert. Introverts are genuinely happy people, UNLESS they became that way through social trauma or some sort of abuse. We do not feel a social lack. Interestingly, being an introvert does not carry the same stigma in other cultures that it does here in the US.
Stupid teachers in school who worried that I was not socializing enough. Finally my math teacher in 7th grade, who was a very odd person, and a definite introvert, said leave her the hell alone, she is happy.
I feel sorry for people who rely on others for their joy in life! Does that sound terrible to you?
alabngpuso Aug 20th 2010 11:35PM
Hey, it made me a little sad too.
I used to be insistently introverted as well. But we can't always get what we want, and what we want isn't always the right thing to do. I mean, a person you don't really know, perhaps a guildmate, tells you that he plans to be really active the guild from now on, and plans to become the designated off-tank and raid nightly, and oh by the way it's because he lost his job, then the normal dictates of human kindness direct us to at least listen.
More generally, In any case, at the end of the day, I read somewhere that (paraphrasing) society is built by people talking and acting with people they don't really like. And now (nowadays) that we get to choose who we get to hang out with, people have become a lot more lonely.
Last point: I know everyone here has a different values system. I'm Asian. And with respect to your situation, I was wondering if perhaps it might be simpler, and perhaps beneficial to yourself, to become less introverted, rather than expecting the entirety of your social network (save your "best friend". yihee) to adjust to you.
INXS: Slightly offtopic: It might be a good idea for blizzard to implement something that will make your character appear to other people only 15-20 seconds after you actually log in, no? With the Dal Lag, I'll have two screenfuls of messages directed at me, sent within the time the loading screen was doing its thing, not giving me a chance to promptly reply. It's only very very very slightly annoying, but I was just thinking it was a good idea.
Hirumared Aug 21st 2010 1:37AM
In high school I liked to be alone too but when i was a member of the schools football team that made things hard. it was way easier to just talk to them and politely turn down any invitations to "hang out" than it was to ignore them or say leave me alone. Some people just like to be alone. I don't get why people make such a big deal about it lol.(of course as soon as football ended I completely ignored every single one of them lol)
tulipblossom Aug 21st 2010 4:54AM
Yeah, I'm very much like the OP and a number of posters, as well. Sometimes, I can be a real social butterfly and not even intentionally. And, others, I just want to be alone and doing things on my own. It has nothing to do with my friends or anyone I know, it's all me. Sometimes being around others and keeping up conversations is just very draining. But, I've always been a bit introverted that way.
I do love people, though. And, I love my close friends, which I can count on one hand, more than life. I can have 10 hour conversations with any one of them. But, sometimes, I don't even feel up for a five minute conversation. And, at times, that's made even difficult/painful online and in WoW. I just wanna farm, sometimes, and be left with my own thoughts. Of course, if one of them has a problem, I'll always be there to listen, no matter what. But, as far as regular conversation goes, sometimes it's just overwhelming and when people are messaging you all at once, you're so grateful for their love and desire to interact, but you just can't muster up the energy to engage.
Rezai Aug 20th 2010 4:17PM
I have an alt on a different server that I play for when I want to play and be left alone.
Paultab Aug 20th 2010 4:39PM
I think a lot of people have "secret characters". There's times when I just want to do a bit of questing, or play a few battlegrounds without the hassle of someone begging me to raid or get arena games in.
Sylv Aug 20th 2010 8:17PM
Ditto. I have my main plus alts on one realm so I can goof off with my guild and chat and fool around and raid and whatnot, and then I have my hidden alts tucked away on various other realms for when I don't really want to chat or be pestered to heal/tank/what have you. Maybe it's part of being an alt-o-holic, but I prefer to have characters scattered about not in guilds so I can play without being super social.
bish Aug 20th 2010 4:34PM
As an introvert myself I totally feel the same way many times. Makes it even harder being an officer in my guild (although I wasn't given a choice :P ). I'm an INFJ in the Meyers/Briggs personality type indicator, which if you don't know anything about that is a great way to learn a bit about yourself and if your an extrovert or an introvert. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myers-Briggs_Type_Indicator
I hope people read this weeks column and come to understand that there are some of us out here that sometimes just want time away from other people and that it's got nothing to do with disliking our friends or wanting them to feel bad. Most Introverts have a very small but close group of friends that we care about very deeply and I know I agonize over my desire to make my friends happy and the times I need to be alone.
theRaptor Aug 20th 2010 11:17PM
Myers-Briggs is as useful as your star sign for learning about your personality (and potential friends/lovers). Personality factors are on a scale not a either-or choice.
Something like The Big Five (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Five_personality_traits) has actual science done to confirm the validity of that model and is actually used by the scientists who study human behaviour.
bish Aug 21st 2010 1:44AM
Granted there is some controversy about how effective any personality typing system is. I would point out that in both the Briggs-Meyers and Big Five wiki articles there are criticisms of both. However I would not put the Briggs-Meyers in the same category as Astrology. There is some thought behind the questions and the way they are graded, it's not just based on what date you were born like astrology is. It's also not just used for figuring out friends/lovers.
I can only speak from personal experience but when I've taken the test (for various work team building exercises) I've always tested an INFJ and it's given me quite a bit of insight into certain aspects of my personality that I did not understand previously. I know others that have had similar experiences. I also know people that didn't get anything out of it at all. But for me it's been very useful.
Kunikenwad! Aug 20th 2010 4:43PM
Introverted:
Little tip ... you can break out the whispers you receive into their own tabs on the chat pane ... and I believe you can set an entire tab by itself as a whisper pane. That way, all the whispers direct themselves to one tab and you can answer them when you feel like it! Another suggestion would be to create one large chat channel for all your friends; we've done this on my server and [thepub] is quite popular among the 50 or so of us :D It's also nice to break that out into a tab too so I don't get overwhelmed by general, guildchat, whispers, and my private channel as well. May also want to check into the various chat mods out there ... there's may be a solution for you made by some of the many mod writers.
Best of luck!
quitterpants Aug 20th 2010 4:52PM
Creating an alt on Zangarmarsh for (fans of WoW.com) or Icrecrown for or the (hunter fans) would give you fun and anonymous options, without losing the friends and support that comes from a guild.