Drama Mamas: Friends fight and the guild suffers
by Robin Torres 
Sep 3rd 2010 at 3:00PM
Friends are going to fight or at least disagree every once in a while. This really should be a private issue and not one that should spill over into a shared guild ... in a perfect world. What actually happens is drama -- awkward drama that affects the innocent bystanders and fellow guildies. At least that's what happened in this week's email.
Dear Drama Mamas,
I'd been playing in a guild with a couple of RL friends of mine and their friends/relatives. It was a nice, relaxed, casual environment to do some dungeons and 10-mans, and I very much enjoyed it. However, there had always been some sort of drama happening -- the worst of which was last month when, just before a raid, I whispered one of those RL friends of mine with some advice for the fights we were about to do. He was playing a new 80 and he hadn't done a raid in that role before. He immediately logs off, then logs back on a second later and says in raid chat, "DOES ANYONE HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME!!! OTHER THAN [my name]!!!" We managed to get it sorted out, with appropriate apologies made from both sides, and continued with the raid.
Things seemed OK again until yesterday, when I asked this same guildie a question over guild chat. He and his wife had been doing some renovations around their house, so I asked, "How are the renovations going?" He immediately /gquit on the character he was on and then removed me as a RealID friend. I whispered him to see why he's so angry at me, and he said that I was taunting him, since I knew he hadn't started the renovations yet today. We got into an argument. As he put it: "You have a gift for pissing me off." Figuring that these kinds of outbursts/issues would keep happening as long as I am in the guild with him, and not wanting to put his wife in a position where she has to choose between her husband and her guild, I decided it would be best if I just removed myself from the guild, and proceeded to do so on all of my characters.
I'm sure I could have handled it better both times, though. Did I make the right decision in taking my characters out of the guild? I still feel like I would be uncomfortable in the guild after that, being afraid to say anything to that particular guild member out of fear of him becoming extremely offended/angry. On the other hand, I really liked playing with that guild and I feel like I am sort of letting everyone else down by bailing out. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, Mamas. What should I do?
-- Lonely And Afraid
Drama Mama Robin: Lonely, I think you should return to the guild and continue to have fun with everyone else, but -- and this is the important part -- don't ever talk to AngryGuy in game again. I am not at all saying that you should never speak to him outside of the game, nor am I saying AngryGuy is a bad guy. But right or wrong, text communication between the two of you seems to only result in miscommunication. That doesn't mean you can't get along in a group atmosphere. Just don't send him tells, don't offer him advice, don't talk to him directly via any in-game method. And cool it in the physical world for a while, too. Be polite, but don't initiate any communication with him until he indicates he's ready to talk -- hopefully in person.I like to try to think about why someone is behaving a certain way, rather than assume someone like AngryGuy just hates me and wants nothing to do with me ever again. So I'm going to pretend to put myself in your situation and ask myself a few questions about AngryGuy:
- Is he going through a lot of stress right now and just not handling it very well? I don't always handle stress very well either.
- He could be feeling very insecure. If he didn't feel quite ready for the raid, my advice may have made him feel less confident. And if he is feeling bad about the renovations being put off, he may find the subject too touchy to handle.
- He may think I am a very judgmental person. I don't judge him, but he may think that my advice is actually criticism and my innocent question is actually calling him a slacker. Am I doing something to come off as judgmental?
- Am I wording some of my messages to him poorly? Without proper vocal inflections and tone, some of my sentences may not "sound" as friendly as I intend them.
- Does he just not like me, in game or out?
Drama Mama Lisa: Since you specifically asked, Lonely and Afraid, I'm going to give it to you straight up: Yes, I think removing yourself from the guild -- especially right then and there, when emotions were at their peak -- was the wrong thing to do. Quitting a guild (especially "publicly," when other guild members were online and watching in shock and horror) is less like discreetly slipping out of the room than it is leaping to your feet, storming out and slamming the door so hard it rattles all the pictures on the walls. Whatever disagreement you were having with your friend got turned into a drama-drenched mess for all to see. If you haven't already burned the bridges, yes, get yourself retagged and get back into guild chat and guild life. Your issue is not with the guild; it's with your friend. He's obviously stressed to the teeth -- in game about raid readiness, and out of game about his home renovations. As Robin advises, simply lay off the communications. Don't be so gun shy that you're afraid to chime in with "Hi, X!" or "Grats!" in guild chat when it's appropriate, but you should probably leave the raid strats and personal questions alone for a while. You may have to moderate your chat with his wife, as well; you don't want to lose your connection with her, but you also don't want to tick off your friend by appearing to ignore him while buttering her up.
Finally, you might recognize a few aspects of your situation in some of our past Drama Mamas advice. Take a look at these posts about gaming with friends to see if any of these situations feel dismayingly familiar:
- When friends who are chill in real life turn out to be drama queens in game
- Going too far: Overfamiliarity and taking spats online
- A time and a season: When it's time to go separate ways
- Why the best-laid game plans don't always last
- When real-life friends have different in-game goals
Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at DramaMamas@wow.com. Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Drama Mamas
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
Sterdoker Sep 3rd 2010 3:10PM
We should all be thankful that those aren't fashionable nowadays.
Grovinofdarkhour Sep 3rd 2010 3:28PM
It looks to me like the guy on the left is about to pulverize the guy on the right for yanking out his favorite chest hair, which the guy on the right is taunting him with while the guy in the middle gazes upon it with admiration.
Darthbragg Sep 3rd 2010 3:59PM
Am I the only one bothered by the wang in that photo? You can clearly see it.
Aedilhild Sep 3rd 2010 4:08PM
They aren't anatomically correct, Darth. Back in those days, babies came from the stork.
Felix_rew Sep 3rd 2010 4:23PM
Looks like a good old game o' fistycuffs to me :)
epic Sep 3rd 2010 4:24PM
if you are bothered by a penis imprint through a piece of clothing i suggest you grow up... boys have penises, sometimes they are visible through tight clothing...deal or seek professional help and please stay away for swimming competitions or the most of the summer olympics...you may have an aneurysm
Possum Sep 4th 2010 3:53AM
Third option: Become a serial casterater, you can chop them off and fling them in the river if they bother you.
Disclaimer: I don't actually suggest you do that.
niko Sep 3rd 2010 3:10PM
sounds like AngryGuy needs some medications to balance out that craziness. I am also doing renovations on my house (much of the work myself) and I can relate to AngryGuy that it is indeed very stressing since you're living in the workzone. Hell, my house has been getting reno's done to it since we bought 3 years ago continuously.
But him going off on a RL friend in-game is just dumb. In some respects, it's probably best to just let the game be a game, and let the real world have its time later. Gotta find ways to make the game a relaxer, not an extension of yourself IRL, complete with all the cares of the world.
Kurash Sep 3rd 2010 3:13PM
Maybe I'm not being charitable enough, but from the descriptions in the letter AngryGuy sounds like an overly-sensitive ass clown to me.
Yes, text communication clearly is a difficult medium with which to express sarcasm. Which is exactly why I always give people the benefit of the doubt when they type something that could potentially be bothersome: I ask for clarification if needed or just let it go. Taking every such situation that personally, and blowing up in anger each time is just foolish, antisocial and, in my opinion, immature.
(Though in no way am I attempting to claim that I'm Mr. MatureAwesomeGuy or anything. I'm usually pretty good at avoiding drama, though.) :)
Mellorn Sep 3rd 2010 3:54PM
I agree. The dude has anger management issues, and needs to lighten up.
Claire Sep 3rd 2010 4:10PM
Agreed completely. I would rather leave the guild than walk on eggshells around someone with a persecution complex and anger issues.
SerenityNow Sep 3rd 2010 4:14PM
You might well be right. But it's worth remembering we're only hearing one side of the story. I'm not saying "Lonely and Affraid" is lying. However, I think we've all been in situations where we said something (especially in text) which has been misinterpreted. Also, we don't know the specific text of other conversations which led up to these blow-ups.
That said, gquiting because someone asks how the home reservations are going (even if it is a little teasing) does seem like an over-reaction. I think leaving the guild is probably the best idea. When you are stuck in a tricky situation there's no point in spinning your wheels: spending a lot of time around people you don't get along with (even just in game) is pointless, and one has to know when to walk away, for your own sake and for the sake of others.
But gquiting in a diplomatic and yet kind of low-key way seems like by far the best way to do it, as that way you maintain the moral high ground and also don't burn collateral bridges. Maybe leave 1 or 2 lesser played alts in there too, to visibly leave the door of friendship and commeraderie open for the future (and not totally distress the other members of the guild and lessen the drama seisometer).
Orrdeath Sep 3rd 2010 5:27PM
Maybe you should just throw this out there, I forgive you cause I know your not mad at me, your just mad at your dad! Wise words from the film Big Daddy! =)
sloth15 Sep 3rd 2010 3:17PM
I think the mamas may be thinking a little too game-centric on this one. These people know each other in real life. How bout you give AngryGuy a call on the phone. Guild chat and whispers are easily misinterpreted.
"Dude, that sucks about your renovations, what happened?"
And, even if it doesn't go well, ragequitting a phone call isn't nearly as public as ragequitting a guild.
Pyromelter Sep 3rd 2010 3:21PM
I think you hit it right on the haed, sloth. Sounds like this was a massive miscommunication that could have been better worked out with a phone call.
Servetus Sep 3rd 2010 3:21PM
The advice given was 100% correct. In a situation like that, just avoid speaking to the douche bag in game at all. Eventually, either things in his life will sort themselves out and he'll become human again, or they won't. But my word for it is "professional." When someone's an ass clown like this guy, I get professional with them. Yes, sir. Have a nice day, sir. Would you like fries with that, sir? Speak only when it's absolutely required, and communicate nothing but the information requested. NEVER ask them a question, especially about anything personal. Don't tease, don't joke, don't speak to them at all unless they speak to you first. Over time, that sort of behavior will cause one of two things. The ass clown may calm down, realize that they miss talking with you, and make the first approach. Or, they never will, in which case you will eventually realize that you can't be friends with everyone in this world, and you will move on with your life. Unless you're married to the ass clown, your world will not be smaller because of it. He was wrong for flaming, you were wrong for quitting, but unless the rest of the guild simply wants you gone to avoid drama, you should return and adopt the "it's just business -- nothing personal" stance.
Grovinofdarkhour Sep 3rd 2010 3:24PM
Your friend is spazzing. Either offer him a sympathetic ear or tell him to get his head out of his ass, but whichever it is, do it in real audio, not text.
mackejn Sep 3rd 2010 3:25PM
You missed the ever important "Maybe this guy needs clinical help and hasn't sought it." Honestly to fly off the handle like that I have to wonder if the guy is bipolar or something.
veil Sep 3rd 2010 3:28PM
maybe i expect considerably more from my friends...but angryguy deserves a kick in the testicles and a dose of "go f*ck yourself". "psychopath" seems to be the first word that pops in my head reading this (albeit from one side, but approaching it with the info at hand regardless). i don't feel like lonely should be the one treading the minefield. its not up to him to determine what may or may not set off angry at any given time. angry should be the one logging off and seeking counsel if he's taking out his stress and anger at someone else while in a game.
Jed Sep 3rd 2010 3:30PM
This guy cant be a very good friend period... sounds like the type of person you have to walk around on eggshells.. You should give this guy no time.. in game and out of game.. Seems like a douche. Move on. If you felt that leaving the guild would make you feel better then by all means.. you probably should have thought about it a bit more but its your choice. If you want to go back and they will take you then ya go for it. But ya this guy isn't probably a good friend in general anyway. Tell him out of game how much a melodramatic he's being lol. Tell him how you feel and think. If he's a good friend he'll listen.. If not he will erase you from his real frie.... i mean contact list on his cell phone hahaha.