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9-12-2010 @ 7:08PM
(SCENE: Ironforge's Mystic Ward. Three priests - an aloof, over-the-hill male Night Elf, a haughty female Draenei and your run-of-the-mill salty female Dwarf - are assisting a new Gnome priest, Bubblytinkle, to serve her community while the local trainers watch)NELF: OK my child, we're here to answer any questions you have about your transition from (looks at paperwork) medic to priestess.DRAENEI: Yes. And before we begin, I have to pass on a message from our human brother. Father Swaggert couldn't make it; he had to attend to a sudden calling at the Goldshire Inn. Hmph. A sinner's paradise. You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.NELF: (stroking his well-groomed mustache) By Elune, I must see this place for myself before I head back to Darnassus.DWARF: Aye, worth a trip, I stop by and whip the place up into a frenzy once a month. I'll bring you along Father (winks).NELF: (turning to the gnome) Well, my dear, what are your questions about the power of the Light?BUBBLYTINKLE: I already know that. It's energy, usually in the form of an electric current channeled by a switch- oh you mean the Light from religious matters! Well, for starters, how does one channel the Light?NELF: Ah, great question! I'll respond! Can someone else answer?DWARF: Aye. I channel the Light from my gut.DRAENEI: And ample Light you do have, my sister.DWARF: (glares back) I'm not fat you cloven-hoofed snob, I'm big boned! But ya, it's a gut feeling.BUBBLYTINKLE: OK. I'll need some Ipecac.DRAENEI: Ip-what?BUBBLYTINKLE: An application to induce vomiting.NELF: What I think my stout sister means is it's a gut feeling. A reaction to what's around you.BUBBLYTINKLE: Inducing vomiting is a gut feeling and strong reaction.DWARF: Never mind.NELF: Honestly, I channel my power through Elune, the Moon Goddess, nature, and the memories of cherished ancestor spirits. The past works as a great motivator.DWARF: Aye, the strength of the stone for us dwarves!DRAENEI: And uh, being chased across the galaxy by demons works for us Draenei! So my dear gnome, what is the past that a gnomish priestess can hold aloft to inspire her brethren?BUBBLYTINKLE: (Sad) My people ... sniff ... came from robots.NELF: Well, you could simply be proud you went from cold steel to warm, living flesh and blood and unshackled yourselves from metallic servitu-BUBBLYTINKLE: We were a lot smarter and stronger then.NELF: -or you could claim to know a path to becoming one with your metal uh, roots ...DWARF: (winking and whispering to the gnome) Smooth talking and making stuff up as you go along helps a lot in this priestly business.BUBBLYTINKLE: Hm, I already have. A young gnome, Viggy Numbafive, just returned from Northrend. He was a robot when he was abducted by the Mecahnognomes. Since returning, he still fancies himself a machine, calling himself Nexus Six and sleeps in his brother's cabinet. I gave him the lesson about the tortoise in the desert and why he wouldn't help it as it laid on its back in the lethal heat, then asked him about his mother. I told him not to punish himself, that it was a small wonder and he shouldn't consider himself not quite gnome.DRAENEI: Another question?BUBBLYTINKLE: I know you night elves and dwarves are big on stone places of worship, and Draenei go for crystals. I wish the human was here, they might be able to answer this question ... should I help my Gnome sisters and brothers by copying their church format? It seems structured and architecturally appeasing.(The three priests look at each other and have a unified vision of the future: Giant steel cathedrals, covered with artwork of gnomes slaughtering the wicked and punting their skulls into the hellfire. Loudspeakers and giant screens play nonstop litanies of the holy machine and gnome spirit, while tiny inquisitors in revealing leather get-ups and gnome paladins in power armor torture heretics with energy whips and electric grills inside the edifice. The screams of the damned and judged are only muted by the thundering roll of tanks with pipe organs belching mass-produced incense and holy music; these instruments also double as artillery launchers.)ALL THREE PRIESTS: It's best you find your own way.BUBBLYTINKLE: I've been reading up on the powers of chakras-DRAENEI: That's still being researched by monks entrusted to see if such theories are proper. In the wrong hands, they could be overpowered and bring chaos to the land, or do absolutely nothing and waste valuable skills.DWARF: I find that to be a product of whiners. Learn n' adapt.NELF: However, I have some literature on chakras at my treehouse in Dalaran. You're welcome to come by, slip your shoes off, relax, have some dinner and wine and take some notes.DWARF: (whispering) Elune's Kama Sutra isn't the kind of chakras she's asking about!NELF: (whispering) I've spent the past few centuries asleep, can't a kaldorei get some hope?DWARF: (whispering) Yeah yeah, I know you like gnome feet ...DRAENEI: Ahem. Back to matters of the cloth ... and keeping it on ...BUBBLYTINKLE: I'm an engineer on the side. Can I just record some hymns in private and play them on a recorder in combat? I really get scared when it's my turn on Karaoke night.DRAENEI: (Looks at her baffled fellows) Hm, dunno. Never hurts to try.NELF: Hm, might want to ask that when I pray to the Blizzard Patch Winds of Winterspring.BUBBLYTINKLE: Meditation. Isn't that like napping?DRAENEI: Well, yes and no -NELF: Sure is! It's how I get in touch with the Emerald Dream. Well, that and the 'shrooms.BUBBLYTINKLE: This meditation - it's kinda like listening to an audio book while dozing. Idea! I'll get a religious text on tape and just nod off, that'll get me more in touch with the Light!NELF: Heh, reminds me of my youth. I slept through the classes for priests in the Emerald Dream too.DRAENEI: (Whispering to Dwarf) No wonder there were so many casualties with his bands.BUBBLYTINKLE: OK, I think I understand. What about the Darkness?DRAENEI: (Shouting) Never! Abolish it! Be not tempted!NELF: But it makes the moon so much more brighter and my 'stache so much more ... sexy.DWARF: Aye it does you muscular bonehead, and Dranny, ye only refuse the shadow path because yer worried 'bout mutatin' into a broken! Bubbly, no worries for ye. For ye it's whatever you feel best. I go into shadow form mostly when I worry about my figure. Makes me look svelte.DRAENEI: And proof that the Darkness causes hallucinations.BUBBLYTINKLE: Figure, schmigure, I need to know about wielding the dark!NELF: Well, first you apply some diseases-BUBBLYTINKLE: Wait, I'm busy curing diseases now you want me to spread them?DWARF: Aye, it never makes sense. That's life in Azeroth and don't you forget it!DRAENEI: Amen! That's my opinion of this crazy backwater rock world since my people crashed here!DWARF: Hey! My bathwater rock. Love it or leave it sister!DRAENEI: S'cuse me.NELF: Then you flay people's minds with the darkness and then it proceeds to melt their face.BUBBLYTINKLE: So being a shadow priest is a conduit for Dark powers, or being a walking, unclean microwave oven with festering month-old sausage bits, tomato sauce and pizza cheese on the inside walls.DWARF: Whatever floats yer boat, lass.BRANDUR IRONHAMMER, PALADIN TRAINER OF IRONFORGE: (Sauntering up while stroking his beard) Pardon me good folk, tis the gnome lass bringing the Light to her flock?BUBBLYTINKLE: Nobody said I'd need sheep for this job. Um, Nittlebur Sparkfizzle (IRONFORGE MAGE TRAINER), could you sheep something for me permanently?NITTLEBUR: Never had a priest ask me that before, guess there's a first time for everything (looks for a beetle, fly or idiot PC to sheep).BRANDUR: (Looks at the priests) I'll lay my hands on ye faces and include ye in my afternoon prayers.
9-12-2010 @ 7:15PM
Do you do any fan fictions and/or comics? (If not I recommend it :D)
9-13-2010 @ 12:15PM
Hoe. Lee. Shit!That was epic!One thing I wanna mention though."Giant steel cathedrals, covered with artwork of gnomes slaughtering the wicked and punting their skulls into the hellfire. Loudspeakers and giant screens play nonstop litanies of the holy machine and gnome spirit, while tiny inquisitors in revealing leather get-ups and gnome paladins in power armor torture heretics with energy whips and electric grills inside the edifice. The screams of the damned and judged are only muted by the thundering roll of tanks with pipe organs belching mass-produced incense and holy music; these instruments also double as artillery launchers."That is why people hate gnomes. They walk around, cheerfully smily, running everywhere, with merriment all over their voices but, deep down, the haters know that after all their years of punting, gnomes are teetering over the edge of this, and all it will take is one wrong step, one small push, on off-remark about how we shouldn't be spending the Ironforge science budget of projects with no know practical applications, and all their power and intellect will be concentrated into the most destructive crusade of revenge in the warcraft universe.... A greater lust for revenge than Burning Legion, the Forsaken, the Scarlets and the Ebon Blade combined.
9-13-2010 @ 10:12PM
Actually -- me being a fan of Warhammer 40K lore -- I pictured the gnomes running with the Scarlet Crusade's style of big buildings, structured clergy and armies, improving on it and eventually evolving into the Sisters of Battle/Witchhunters faction of the WH40K universe. (I think the Exorcist artillery tank had a crucified guy stretched over a pipe organ/rocket tubes).Also, a two-foot tall insanely zealous chick with white and black hair and wearing fleur de lis-covered power armor while wielding a flamethrower or heavy machine gun to purge the galaxy of nonbelievers, all while screaming "Sinners repent - for a swift death!" and other nuttery -- that would be pretty effing sweet. And scary.
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