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9-21-2010 @ 7:43AM
I always wonder how WoW NPC's deal with the sudden CHANGE that happens overnight after patches, expansion packs, etc.(SCENE: King Varian Wrynn's private office in Stormwind Castle, 8 a.m., Theldurin Server Time. Tuesday. The most dreaded of days in all of Azeroth. He's sleeping in his chair, half a bottle of recently-used Halaani Whiskey and a pair of phones in front of him, expecting the usual routine emergency call. And one of them - the black one - begins to ring).WRYNN: mmmf ... (reaches for the phone, its handed to him) ... I am Varian, but I am also Lo'Gosh, hell- (looks at the handee, reaches for sword) WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?ANDUIN: Uhm, Dad, yeah, about last night ... something happened ...WRYNN: Anduin? Yeah! I didn't expect you to suddenly become an adult on me. (Looks impressed) Where did you get the threads?ANDUIN: Had Jaina teleport me into one of the empty clothing stores no one uses here in Stormwind then hit the tabard shop. She's out checking the damage.WRYNN: Damage?ANDUIN: Yeah, some fire in the park, dragon or something. I dunno. I'm like freaking out over this hair on my lip and pimples.WRYNN: Use a clean razor and peroxide's in the hall cabinet (mutters -- I was just playing catch with him yesterday, they grow up so quick) ... Hello, sorry, I was distracted. This is King -MURADIN BRONZEBEARD: Varian! It's me Muradin! All hell's broken loose in Ironforge! I wake up from a blackout in Northrend, now I'm here in the Forge at a table and my crazy niece who ran off with the Dark Irons is in my grill with her screaming infant telling me she's part of a new leadership committee here because Magni's a stone, then I got my cousins from the Wildhammer clan asking me where they can park their gryphons and have their Shaman trainer set up!WRYNN: Hold on, you're telling me King Magni's ... stoned?MURADIN: Turned to stone! And I've been trying to get a hold of the gnomes, they're not in town and their cell phones are "not in service area" ...WRYNN: Maybe they finally got a bright idea and moved back to Gnomer.MURADIN: Ha! That's be the day. Course, we're in debt now and need their rent money. Otherwise, we're instituting a beard tax.WRYNN: Hold on, I got another call (looks at ID) - oh frak. HIM.MURADIN: Thrall?WRYNN: I wish. Hold on. (click)FANDRAL STAGHELM: Varian! You gotta help me man, I'm in jail!WRYNN: Jail?FANDRAL: Yeah, I just like blacked out after handing some guy a quest to get some uh, grain I needed ... and today I'm in Mt. Hyjal prison!WRYNN: Anybody tell you why? Can't Tyrande help you?FANDRAL: Are you kidding? No. It's Tyrande that probab-WRYNN: Well, I'm not either. (CLICK) Arrogant jerk.MURADIN: So?WRYNN: Guess Tyrande got tired of Fandral's attitude, put him in jail last night.MURADIN: Ha! First laugh I've had today. Other than seeing a Dwarf Mage.WRYNN: Dwarf Mage? It's a Tuesday. Hey Anduin, did you see anyone funny out there today? And I know, it's Tuesday, you see people stutter step or mysteriously all vanish at once on the street.ANDUIN: Yeah, some human guy with a gun and a cat, and a dude with a top hat that suddenly turned into a walking wolf. I thought it was some new Night Elf trend or a couple of guys with joke inscription books or leftover Hallow's End wands.WRYNN: A wolf? What in the (CLICK) Muradin, I'm getting another call .... Hello?TYRANDE WHISPERWIND: Varian. What the hell did you humans just send me? My city is now being fouled up by a bunch of human/worgen hybrids from Gilneas.WRYNN: Wha? Gilneas? They opened up and walked that far?TYRANDE: You humans are clueless! I have druids saying they're special, but I didn't OK this. And they're racist, hot-headed, stubborn-WRYNN: (covering phone, mouthing silently) Look who's talking.TYRANDE:- housebroken, and they're howling like mad, polluting our city. I want them out ASAP.WRYNN: Yeah, well, first I'm hearing about it too. By the way, Fandral wants to talk to you, he called me up about Mt. Hyjasomething - look, I got an emergency here and in Ironforge, get back with you later. (CLICK)MURADIN: What's going on?WRYNN: More weirdness. Even for a Tuesday. Gilneas invaded Darn with werewolves or something. Tyrande's probably overreacting as usual.MURADIN: Gilneas? Those guys are more cocooned than dead guys in the Spider wing of Naxx! How the hell would they catch lycanthropy? Today is just weird. Even for a Tuesday. You know, I'll call Exodar, just to get them out of the way. Gnomes installed conferencing. Let me see if I can get it to work.VELEN'S ANSWERING MACHINE: Hello, you've reached the Prophet. I'm busy now, plotting for the return of the Burning Crusade. Please leave a message after the Prayer of Mending chime. (WOOSH-DING; CLICK)WRYNN: Old fart probably got lost in the Exodar or is getting his chintacles waxed.(Suddenly, the Red Phone rings.)WRYNN: Knew they would call. I'll put it on speaker phone. (CLICK). Yes?MOCK FEMALE HUMAN VOICE: Varian! It's me Jaina! Oh save me, please save me! (snickering in the background)WRYNN: Garrosh. Did Thrall let you out of his sight for a minute so you could make a prank call?GARROSH HELLSCREAM: (sneering) Better. I'm the new Warchief, baby.WRYNN: What the- You're not kidding on this. I knew Thrall was incompetent because he was usually with Vol'Jin and Cairne on "spirit journeys" but-GARROSH: Lok'Thar! We see eye to eye for once, human. Oh, and look forward to bashing your troops' brittle skulls in ... what's that place now lackey? The Southern Barrens.WRYNN: Southern Bar-?GARROSH: Yeah, I know, but the early peon gets the pig. Now squeal for me ... (snorts, laughter in the background, CLICK)WRYNN: Son of a-MURADIN: Another Barrens? Garrosh new warchief! Amazin! So where the hell is Thrall?WRYNN: For once I give a damn and - red phone's ringing again. (Looks at ID) Cell phone. Thrall. Let's see. Hello? (WIND AND STORM SOUNDS RATTLING THE RECEIVER)THRALL: Hello? Wrynn? It's Thrall. I didn't know who else to call. Tuesday at its weirdest, man. Last night I was with Cairne and Vol'Jin on a spirit journey in the Throne Room, now I find myself on a cliff in the middle of nowhere, alone, holding a whirlpool to the elemental plane at bay and I'm dressed like a hippie!WRYNN: Wild trip you, Vol and Mr. Bloodhoof must have had.THRALL: That's exactly it! Vol'Jin says he found himself in Sen'Jin Village holding court with goblins and trolls because Garrosh evicted him, Garrosh won't return anyone's calls, and I call Cairne, and find out from his son he's dead! Garrosh freakin' killed him. You think I'd have been killed by Garrosh, or I'd remember any of that ...WRYNN: (Yawns) Bummer, man.THRALL: Hey, I don't have an idea who our guy is in Silvermoon - whoever he is, he's boring at parties and I never put his info on my phone. And I'm not going to waste time with Sylvanas, she's still all emo over a bunch of yahoos off the street whacking the Lich King. So I have to ask you for a favor. I know you got conference calling, could you call and ask Jai-WRYNN: No. (hangs up)MURADIN: Ha! Hey, lookee, I got a call from Mek! (Sets up conferencing call) Little man, what's up, been trying to get a hold of you!MEKKATORQUE: (over the sound of the song Celebrate) Murree, we got Gnomer kinda reopened today! I'm here getting down with my folk and checking out this hot gnome priestess-WRYNN: Mek, it's Varian. That's ... great! But, uh, couldn't you tell us earlier?MEKKATORQUE: Well, I was busy handling the idiotic war plans and disabling bombs every 10 minutes or so. This all surprised me too this morning. Think it's influx expansion theory; a rare Tuesday which brings about radical change and signals a coming disaster. You should know your highness, you just appeared out of the blue one Tues- (stops as Tool & The Gang's "Gnomeregan Swinging" begins to play) Ah, my song, gotta go, be seeing you! (joins in "Hey! Hey! Hey! Gno-mer-gan, Gnomeregan swinging!" chant; CLICK)WRYNN: His attention span is as short as he is. Did he say gnome priestess? Takes less gnomes to screw in a lightbulb than see the Light.(ANDUIN RUNS INTO THE ROOM) Dad, check it out on TV!GOBLIN NEWS ANCHOR: This just in the Cartel Network News room ... footage of an undead rogue flying over Stormwind in a turbo-charged flying machine, then, watch this, she jumps out, using a parachute cloak to land in the auction house, where she then proceeds to slaughter the auctioneers. She then drops smoke and in the confusion, hops on her mechano-hog, gives a rude gesture to the crowd slapping her behind and rides out the Valley of Heroes with footmen in pursuit. Very stylish assault and we're keeping you posted. Our hearts go out to the auctioneers' families.WRYNN: Flying mounts? In Stormwind? When the hell did this happen? (To guards) Tell Shaw to put up AA batteries in the city at once!ANDUIN: Can I get a mechano-hog dad?WRYNN: I told you, when you're older! And we're getting you a chopper!ANDUIN: But that was yesterday when I was 10, and today I'm 16!GUARD: Mr. Shaw wants to let you know the Defias were seen again at level 85 strength.WRYNN: Eighty-five? Tell Shaw we're still not paying them, and continue to put all the blame on Ony-, er, Katrana Prestor.MURADIN: Can it get any weirder?WRYNN: Hold on, got an unlisted call here. Hello?UNKNOWN CALLER: (HEAVY BREATHING) BEWARE COWARD, I LIVE! I HUNGER!WRYNN: Who is this? Garrosh?UNKNOWN CALLER: RUN COWARD! RUN! RUN! RUUUUN!!! (Roars, fiery breath sounds; CLICK).MURADIN: Egads. And the day just started.WRYNN: (Sighs, pours a stiff drink) Muradin, it's just another Tuesday in Azeroth.
9-21-2010 @ 8:07AM
Oh, man... That was ridiculously hilarious. I can just picture Wrynn getting more and more exasperated through the whole thing, and Garrosh's prank call was awesome. Also, love the goblin news commentary; "Very Stylish Assault" would make a great guild name. Seriously great stuff, as always.I've said it before, but I really think you should collect these in a blog or something. More people should see humor this awesome.
9-21-2010 @ 8:23AM
Well played. :)
9-21-2010 @ 9:15AM
so awesome, so many ways .. /hugs :)
9-21-2010 @ 9:59AM
This? Made my day. Allow me to present you with a million Internets.
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