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All of the latest Mists of Pandaria newsDrama Mamas: I think I'm in love with my RP partner
by Robin Torres 
Oct 1st 2010 at 3:00PM
Drama Mamas Lisa Poisso and Robin Torres are experienced gamers and real-life mamas -- and just as we don't want our precious babies to be the ones kicking and wailing on the floor of the checkout lane next to the candy, neither do we want you to become known as That Guy on your realm.
Throughout history, there have been more songs written about love than any topic. Sad songs, happy songs, angry songs -- all of the facets of love have been and will continue to be explored in popular music. And as long as there has been roleplaying, people have been falling in real love with each other through playing fake characters. Keep reading for fake love turning into real love and me going off on a tangent about love songs.
Dear Drama Mamas,
I've been a roleplayer for several years, and for the first time I developed a crush on my character's in-game partner. Our characters have been a couple for six months. While their relationship evolved from flirting and banter into deep, passionate love and then sharing a home, our out-of-character relationship tightened too. We would flirt, exchange secrets we told no other soul, pull all-nighters chatting. He really is a charming, understanding, considerate and giving person.
The problem is that my feelings for him are probably one-sided. When in character, he declares his endless love to my character in a convincing manner -- in Darnassian. But often he logs on one of his alts and says similar things to another girl, only in Orcish, Draenei or Zandalari. I understand that RP love isn't real; I'm not a psycho. It still feels like hell.
I know it's just a game and I might be taking it too far, and as roleplayers we're expected to build high walls between ourselves and our characters. But I've seen it happen all the time in the RP community: People fall for their in-game partners, cross oceans and circle the planet to be with the person behind their beloved elf or troll. Who says such love is inferior compared to meeting someone at a bar or a party? Why should I feel guilty about breaking the separation rules and translating my character's emotions into my own? Why am I forbidden to feel this twinge when I see his alt kissing some other char and whispering loving words into her lengthy elf ear? I can't even tell him how I feel about it, because it'll show that I took my walls down.
So right now I have two choices: go Barbara Streisand on this ("I am a woman in love and I'll do anything ...") and hope that one day our relationship will shape into what I want it to be -- maybe even confess my feelings to him. The other would be to cut off this unhealthy RP relationship entirely, move my char to another server so I won't have to observe his other romantic explorations and cry, while pretending I'm cool about it. I'm prone to choose the second option, assuming he doesn't see me in the same light. (Why else would he be shagging half the server otherwise?) What do you think I should do?
-- Someone Hurting
Drama Mama Robin: Someone, don't ever, ever, ever take advice from love songs. Ever. Music is great for exploring emotions and getting into a mood, but songs are just terrible at giving relationship advice. Here are some examples:
- Love, love will keep us together No, no it won't. Communication, understanding, not shagging half the server -- these are what will keep you together.
- All you need is love I love The Beatles, but really, love doesn't pay the bills, make you dinner or take care of little Johnny while you're raiding ICC.
- Love will find a way The swan song of the truly desperate. (For those familiar with that particular episode of Cheers, the swan song of the truly desperate was "opposites attract," but I think both statements are related in this context.)
So let's look at this logically. You have real-world feelings for this guy. Let's tackle it in a real-world way.
- I am assuming that you are not in a committed relationship. If you are, we're done here. Take a break from the game to work on your real-world relationship, or break up -- whichever makes the most sense for you. This letter from a previous column will help you better.
- Do you know if he's in a committed relationship? If he is, this won't end well, and his philandering won't stop if he switches his commitment to you. Here's more on that topic. Have a good cry, RP a break-up with his character and then move to a different server.
- If neither of you are in a relationship, ask him out on a real-world date. You don't seem to be physically near each other and that's probably best. Ask him to set aside some time to talk to each other on the phone so that you can chat about out-of-character things. If he says no, then you know exactly where you stand without having to reveal your feelings. Follow my advice for number 2.
- If he says yes to a phone date, keep it completely OOC. You are trying to explore a relationship outside of the game, not continue your roleplaying. Then just proceed as normal: Get to know each other for a while, determine within yourself how far you want to take it, find out if he feels the same way ... just take your time.
Drama Mama Lisa: Someone Hurting, I'm so sorry you're hurting -- but I'm glad to see that you're still thinking, too. You know the score; you state the facts cleanly and clearly in your letter. You know your relationship with your RP partner is a game. You know he's "shagging half the server." You know how and why to keep roleplaying objective. And you know what to do.
OK, OK, so it still hurts. I know it does. Take a deep breath, and let's review things one more time:
- All the World's a Stage: Getting too attached to a character
- All the World's a Stage: Maintaining your barriers
- All the World's a Stage: Cheating and the IC vs. OOC divide
- All the World's a Stage: Intimate relationships between characters
As you yourself said, Someone Hurting, it's time for either The Talk or a clean break. You can't really lose (beyond some possible embarrassment) with the first option, whereas if you up and leave, you could possibly be missing out on a shot at developing something real with this guy. Still, I'd encourage you to look behind the what-ifs to listen to what your heart feels about what your eyes, ears and mind have observed. Which choice should it be? From the tone of your letter, I think you'll find you already know this, too.
Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at DramaMamas@wow.com. Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, RP, Drama Mamas
Reader Comments (Page 4 of 5)
Shinorah Oct 1st 2010 4:09PM
Well - any philosophy of whether or not online relationships are a good thing aside...
OP, I'd also encourage you to consider the fact of whether or not this person is who you think he is and if he can give you the sort of relationship you're looking for. The article mentions repeatedly that he has *many* love interests online...and it also sounds like this bothers you, to see him with other people. Even if you do become involved OOC, can you be confident that he will break off these relationships? Would you trust him not to form additional ones? Or, can you learn to live with his other in game relationships?
The reason I add this is because I've known a number of real life couples who become hurt by finding out their partner is online RPing a love relationship with someone else (and the DLs linked at least one article on this.) Given your RP partner's penchant for multiple romantic relationships, that's got to be a possibility here. Not saying not to go there, just - tread carefully and consider if this will work out in a way that's good for you even if he agrees to talk in person.
paperless Oct 1st 2010 4:13PM
"Who says such love is inferior compared to meeting someone at a bar or a party?"
I assume you barely know the guy. If you want to get to know someone you better be physically near them aaaand OOC. At bars or parties people are usually OOC.. (unless they're drunk or something) and you can see what they look like, the way they talk, the way they smell or the way they tell you romantic things. I really do think it is an inferior way to meet someone - there is only text.
You might be picturing him saying things in a way you're imagining, you might be in love with an idea you have of him - in real life you might not know the whole person's character right away but at least you will see all the other cues people send when talking. It's not just what you say, the way you say it also means a lot.
Unless you can meet with him in person ASAP drop it. You will be sad, maybe you'll even cry for a while but long distance things are just silly.
Terrant Oct 1st 2010 4:45PM
To quote Liz Lemon, "Long distance is the wrong distance. Dealbreaker!"
Aerodactyl Oct 1st 2010 4:14PM
Oh boy, THIS again...
Listen, RP is fun and all but you'll learn pretty quick its just a game. I know it is hard not to get involved emotionally, but you have to. At the end of the day, it is your characters who have this wonderful relationship. You should be happy for them and suggest OOCly to continue it, maybe make an alt with the guy if you enjoy RPing with him so much.
I've been through the song and dance before, not worth it or feasible for a relationship OOCly.
ZMES_Matt Oct 1st 2010 4:20PM
I would disagree with the quip to never take advice from love songs. Not that one should base their entire opinion around merely a love song, however, I get the feeling that the word "love" is being taken too literally in context of the song to mean solely the emotion. Songs are meant to be catchy though, so they often imply things to fit the rythm of the song. When "Love" is used in these types of songs, by default I think they include communication, understanding, & not shagging half the server. :P
Kavaan Oct 1st 2010 4:41PM
My husband and I met in a roleplaying game many years ago. We kept our characters' relationships firmly IC and never ventured OOC for many, many years. We had maintained those barriers for seven years before we finally decided to meet 'in real life.' A year later we were married. We recently celebrated our six-year anniversary, so it's entirely possible to meet someone who will become your spouse through a role-playing game.
With that said, however, we were both lucky in that we were roughly the same age (five year difference), living in the same country, and neither of us were in relationships. We were also very lucky to be attracted to each other, and that we were an excellent match. Those are a lot of areas where things can go wrong.
My advice for someone seriously thinking about taking the step from an IC relationship to a real-life relationship is.. Stop. No, really. Stop and give it some serious thought. It's all too easy to get caught up in those feelings that you're attributing to a fictional character, and believe that they'll transfer over intact and exactly as you imagine them in real life. They don't. A real-life relationship is exponentially more difficult, and it will not be the same as your character's relationship to his or her's mate. I promise.
After you've given the issue serious, rational thought, discuss the situation openly with your roleplay partner. Chances are great that one of the above listed issues, or others, will nix the entire thing before it even starts. But if all of the stars are aligned properly, it is possible to have a loving, committed, wonderful relationship with someone who was previously a roleplay partner.
But don't count on it happening.
icepyro Oct 1st 2010 4:52PM
I read most of these comments and find them interesting. Most are extremes. My point is that all the info we have is the letter. Personal anecdotes never apply to love. NEVER. Music is right about love, but don't use music to disillusion yourself. The only one who knows the situation are those involved.
Can it work? I don't know because I'm not either of you. I work with a person who is married with two kids and they met in WoW and named their kids after Warcraft characters. I also have experienced first hand when I get the wrong impression about online vs offline love.
What should you do? Communicate outside of toons. Is the person you think he is really the person he is? Only one way to know. Whatever you do, just please don't start with how you feel about him because those feelings may be with his toon or a false ideal. You don't know this guy yet. You just know you want to know. If he is unwilling to talk OOC, you will still know the score better.
"Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours."
(thanks breakfast topic for sticking this song in my head)
Just remember: "Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it."
SomeoneHurting Oct 3rd 2010 5:55AM
Words of wisdom. Thank you.
Varda Oct 1st 2010 4:55PM
Basically this is why I never RP a relationship with anyone in game. I'm married with two kids and don't want to "start" anything, even inadvertently or give the wrong impression. It's just not worth it. So I keep all my RPing platonic. No romances or even flirting. Works well.
LynMars Oct 1st 2010 4:56PM
As some have said, it's tricky.
On the one hand, I know plenty of folks with relationships that began online. Some because of RP sites. In that case, the players had to be able to separate their IC feelings from OOC. RP was solely RP, even RP with other players.
Controlling a partner's RP is usually considered on the jealous side and can be creepy, especially early on. Later is when it may be good to set what comfortable boundaries are expected for each other, when the relationship has gotten further along as wholly OOC. On the other, it's easy to mix up IC feelings and OOC. Especially if you see the guy's various characters with others; it's not necessarily an indication of his Real Life fidelity if it's all just RP to him. Are all his characters flirts, are some in committed relationships, some single, etc?
I had a good friend who wanted to get in a relationship with her RP buddy; they were always talking OOCly, RPing multiple characters together as friends as well as lovers. But they hadn't met in real life, despite chatting over social sites, the phone, IM, etc. I encouraged her to not start saying "boyfriend and girlfriend" before they'd actually met outside game and hung out as something other than pixels and text and disembodied voices. She didn't listen, but quickly learned her lesson when she realized it wasn't going to work upon first meeting, it made things awkward at a later guild get together, and eventually the guy left the guild and server entirely due to the awkward.
If you want to pursue an OOC, Real Life relationship with an RP buddy, power to ya. Just talk OOCly openly and honestly, and for heaven's sake, *meet in person* (preferably with others around, basic safety, yo) before deciding an actual commitment is the next step. It could very well be an infatuation based on RP personas, and you want to be sure that's not the case.
MartynArygos Oct 1st 2010 6:30PM
lol
THE WICKER MAN (BWF) (GT: Dalek Prime) Oct 1st 2010 5:05PM
Jeesh....go outside.
Varda Oct 1st 2010 5:08PM
BTW, love the video! Joy Division/New order rocks. ;)
Niraikanai Oct 1st 2010 5:16PM
While I'm definitely not one to promote in-game relationships (in fact, I usually tell people to steer clear if at all possible), I have throw this out there: It IS possible to fall in love with someone you meet online (see various match-making sites if you don't believe me). My proof? My husband. While neither of us were actually RPing our characters, we did meet playing World of Warcraft, and developed a relationship both in and out of the game. We were lucky enough to live fairly close to each other, and so we did meet in real life before actually dating. Just like in-game, we hit it off almost instantly. We also talked a lot without giving out personal information (Ventrilo is great for this as you don't have to give out your phone number) until we were comfortable with each other. We've been married for almost a year as of this post and still going strong (and still raid together weekly).
Muchao Oct 1st 2010 5:17PM
My 1 silver (I'm too wordy for it to be 2 copper):
I'm one those RPers who is always in character "in public". I'm happy to discuss things OOC in whispers, but if you see a speech bubble over my characters head, she's the one who said it. If you see her do something outside of a random group or agreed upon OOC run through an instance, she's the one who did it. Her mounts and pets are as much characters as she is.
I can't say I'd be okay with permanent death for her or anything like that. I'm not quite that disconnected from her. She's not a real person and I'm not her, but she's become my favorite character that I created. Much like a favorite character in a book or movie, except this one's a little more special because she's my own creation. Still, the things that happen to her happen to her... not me.
My husband (who I met online through OOC chat in a different game) plays on the same server, same faction I do. In fact, his character and my character do have a close connection even though they aren't a couple. Anyone who's character would know my character well enough for a relationship between the two to develop also knows my husband's character, and the player knows that character is played by my husband. That's a lot of instances of the word "character" in one sentence, but it's important to recognize the difference.
My character has been known to give my husband's character a hard time about not finding someone to love... not getting on with his life. And his character has given his blessing to relationships my character has been in. At the end of the day, when we log out, we know our characters have their lives, and then we have our life together.
One thing I suggest the person writing in figure out is why it bothers them so much to see this guy's alts flirt with other characters. That may be a real key, I think, to knowing just how much she has or hasn't let IC behavior leak into OOC feelings. Does IC behavior really bother her that much when it isn't with her? Or does it simply server as a reminder that he doesn't know how she feels and could just as easily wandering off to someone else OOC, as well? There's a bigger difference than you might think.
I'd also advise keeping in mind that getting to know each other more OOC really is vital for deciding whether or not to pursue a relationship. It might be easy to see how well your characters fit together, recognize desirable attributes in the player behind the character, and feel like it would work OOC, too. It takes more than just "a charming, understanding, considerate and giving person" to make a relationship work, though. I'd describe my friends the same way, but I also think trying to be anything other than friends with them would have been a mistake.
Scooter Oct 1st 2010 6:47PM
My dear you only live once,
Give it a shot but take it slow. You're not going to meet the handsome stranger of your dreams. Your going to meet the actor who plays him. Get to know each other and if it works out then great. If not, then all well. Your not wrong for wanting to take a shot at something, and don't regret it should things not work out.
Here's a thought. How would your relationship in game change should things really work out?
Hunterlicious Oct 1st 2010 7:24PM
That's such a heartbreaking situation!
@ Someone: I've never tried RPing, but I am guessing that you've clocked a looooot of time RPing a 6-month relationship. It sounds like you guys are close, but perhaps more as friends than anything else- I say that mostly because he obviously enjoys the closeness even though he isn't interested in being exclusive with anyone.
I agree with the Drama Mamas' advice-- but perhaps, before taking any action, you should take a break from that character. Part of the reason we become so attached to our crushes/loves is because our brains release those feel-good endorphins when we are/communicate with them- there's an actual addiction- a little 'high,' so to speak... Maybe if you work on an alt, or start leveling another character on another server, you'll be able to take a breather and put things in perspective. You may find it liberating to stop inhabiting your character's mind frame while this is going on. You can let him know that you want to try something different for a while and see what his reaction is- no mind games- be on the level always. Be ready to do what you said you were going to do and if he's truly upset about it OOC, that could lead to a good discussion and a resolution. On the other hand, if he's breezy and casual about it, then go and take the time to think.
Good luck!
DMacD Oct 1st 2010 7:43PM
Lowangel u couldn't be more wrong.
Like many others here i met my boyfriend playing wow. We have been together 3 years and we couldn't be more happy. I guess i have to thank my brother for that trial account after all :P
Someone Hurting i really feel for u :( . Like Nick suggests i'd attempt to get to know him outside of wow even if it's on a friends basis to begin with. Again if he is keen on this then it opens a door and lets u know that he's at least interested in getting to know you outside of wow. If he is in a relationship already though as hard as it is i'd go with the move server option and make a clean brake. Either way i hope it works out for you.
lady.silverdragon Oct 1st 2010 7:58PM
I say go for it- tell him how you feel and see if he feels the same. BUT- be prepared to deal with things if he freaks out and does not want to talk to you anymore. Maybe have a friend available who you can call upon, a stack of movies with the theme "guys suck", or even just some tissues handy. In any case, I wish you luck.
manda Oct 1st 2010 10:21PM
*Smacks OP with a newspaper as well*
Yeah, take that!
Three years ago while I was questing in the Arathi Highlands, I ran into this really nice mage being poked at by horde. Together, we just stood there as they cryptically emoted at us, encouraging us to attack them and get our low level faces smashed in by their lvl 70 awesomeness.
After the whole ordeal, the mage and I began questing together. We learned that we had lots in common, aside from me being American and him being Australian. Regardless, we continued to talk, and eventually started falling for each other.
People meet real people in this game, and online relationships are just as real as non-online ones, no matter how many times you say it. I can tell you that from experience.
Our wedding is in 20 days, by the way.