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10-06-2010 @ 7:23PM
(Slow day, written two of these. Think my one at http://wow.joystiq.com/2010/10/06/around-azeroth-beta-edition-the-more-things-change/2#comments was better ... anyhoo, enjoy ...)CARTEL NEWS NETWORK ANNOUNCER: Murlocs. Even the Forsaken consider them lower than cockroaches. Now CNN goes deeper, finding more than what you wanted to know about Azeroth's pest.This program is brought to you by SprayIt! Goblin cannisters! Kills plants, bugs, and small humanoids dead!CARTEL NEWS NETWORK GOBLIN ANCHOR: Hello, this is Rolf Copter and you're in the Situation. Murlocs, you say? Mmmmrmmrrrrggllglllrrrrrr? All war-fighting sentients of Azeroth and now Outland have battled these pests, and none have a good opinion.ORC HUNTER: Man, these things run into each other, panic, bring more of their buddies, and it's just chaotic. I ran out of ammo and traps several times battling these Murlocs. And some a-hole brought them to my old homeworld? I'm gonna kill that son of a -HUMAN WARLOCK: Gah, balancing spells, soulstones and my idiot voidwalker while cleansing Elwynn Forest of these pests. You dot them, they just keep coming back with more. GNOME MAGE: Something smaller than me and just as much of a pain in the (censored).GOBLIN STOCKBROKER: You can't even make good money on their meat in the auction house!ROLF COPTER: Well, the Murlocs now have a spokesman in Azeroth. Druids for the Ethical and Humane Treatment of Animals sent this Night Elf, who calls himself King Mrgl-Mrgl, to speak on their behalf. Now, King, I understand you've been in disguise with the Winterfin tribe of Murlocs?KING MRGL-MRGL: Yes, I made this disguise from fish parts, old socks, and an old cloak that was laying around Stormwind when I took the boat to here. Those people are slobs and the way the misuse natural resour-ROLF COPTER: Yeah, it could've fooled no one. But you fooled these dumb-as-brick murlocs?KING MRGL-MRGL: My people you speak of! They're not as unintelligent as you make them out to be! One even tried to blackmail me if I hadn't given him some whale -ROLF COPTER: Wait. "My people?" What do you mean, "my people?" You're a frickin' pointy-eared elf, not a fish!KING MRGL-MRGL: We're all one people of one planet-ROLF COPTER: Hey buddy, stop smoking the sea weed and listen: there's TWO planets now. And if you got blackmailed by a creature you were trying to fool, it really blows your credibility. And speaking of credibility issues, with me now is Druid Moonshine, who was with this "king" in the Emerald Dream. Mr. Moonshine, can you-MOONSHINE: Please, call me Moonshine and forgive the interruption. And if I'm not mistaken, you were going to ask me how he was in the Emerald Dream? Well before he put on the costume, Druid Soju was a failure in the dream. He wet himself in both realities. We would ask him to channel his imagination into nature and he'd come up with faux wood paneling. He'd obsess over collecting stool samples. That took forever to break. Then when the time came to learn the secret of shapeshifting, he just couldn't do it. So he grabbed a live chicken, killed it, put its feathers all over his body and screamed he would pretend to be one with all the birds. Archdruid Malfurion Stormrage was concerned, and he said "sticking feathers up one's butt does not make him a chicken." But we needed a laugh in the Dream, so we let him do his thing and figured we'd set him straight when we all woke up. Then the Third War came, we were forced to wake up and heed the call to fight, and we caught him wearing furbolg skins and owl feathers claiming he was a great Moonkin battlecaster. Of course, he had no magic, he was just prancing around the battlefield, flapping his arms and getting loose fur and feathers everywhere. Somehow, the demons and orcs didn't kill him, so we were going to sedate him and put him straight after the troubles. But we lost him in the heat of battle and now find he's in Northrend, pretending to be a Murloc.ROLF COPTER: Do you condone his "research?"MOONSHINE: While I appreciate the passion for life my druidic brothers and sisters in DEHTA do, sometimes they take the whole thing a bit far. And in allowing my former colleague to fool them and become a leader of a Murloc tribe ... just doesn't look good for druids altogether.ROLF COPTER: But he claims to be doing research on Murlocs and their society.MOONSHINE: I disagree. He's exploiting them for his own amusement. Plus, what can one get out of understanding Murlocs that we don't already know? They're scavengers, they're a threat to anything sentient, and willing to submit to any dark power, whether it be a naga witch or a delusional druid. We had some members look into their cousins, the Gorlocs, and while somewhat sentient, they're smellier, just as annoying and more disgusting. I have a student who has gone mad collecting their eggs for a proto-drake. But they need to exist. After all, something needs to be on the bottom of the food or adventurers' chain.ROLF COPTER: You have key points. Mr Mrgl-Mrgl, any response?KING MRGL-MRGL: (Staring bitterly) Mrgglglgllgglll?ROLF COPTER: I'll take that as a no. Thank you for your time gentlemen. Next: Earthquakes around Azeroth: Potent sign of doom or just aftershocks from Ogrestock? Silvermoon opens a treatment clinic for magically-addicted celebrities. Can it work -- and is it devaluing the local property prices? And we talk with Cairne Bloodhoof on what he's planning for the next five years in Thunder Bluff. Stay tuned.
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