Drama Mamas: Transgender bullying
by Robin Torres 
Oct 15th 2010 at 11:00AM
I really, really wanted to embed People are People by Depeche Mode, but Warner Brothers won't let me. Rather than rage about that here, you can go to my tweet, if you wish. So instead of an awesomely appropriate video and song, you get a screenshot taken at the <It came from the Blog> Brewfest 2010 event -- because people are still people, even when they are multiboxing druids dancing with blood elves in bunny ears. Let's just move on to the letter.
Hello Drama Mamas,
I've been playing WoW for about a year and a half now. While I've always been a member of some minority groups (I have a few disabilities, for example) and have always had a problem with the pro-bullying majority environment on WoW, the problem kind of got a bit worse for me about six months into that time when I joined the most maligned group yet and came out as transgender. I really enjoy the game and I'm in a guild that handles this (and many other) things about me quite expertly, but the backlash I get in pickup raids mostly because of Vent (which is how quite a few people on my very small server know my trans status), has me seriously considering quitting the game or at least quitting raiding, which is my favorite part of the game.
The frustrating thing is that WoW was originally an escape for me, where I could function as preferred-gender much more easily than I did in the real world. But ironically the reverse is now true. I'm pretty much done with the process outside of WoW and yet because of rumor creep, a huge amount of people in the game know about me, and even my guildies have trouble with pronouns because my voice hasn't sounded preferred-gender for incredibly long.
To top it off, I'm kind of interested in getting into some more hardcore raiding, but on my server the three hardcore guilds in existence are full of transphobic comments and all sorts of other crap. If I were personally being harassed it would be almost easier because there'd be a clear path to solving it. But it's like a server-wide bucket of crap that's making me think I just want to change servers and not tell anyone in my new guild, preferably to a place where hardcore mature guilds exist and there's a lot of people. Am I letting people get to me when I could just fix the situation, or is this a good idea?
Gender Reroller
Drama Mama Robin: First of all, congratulations on being brave, open and truthful. Bravo! But blech, no matter how rational you are about the haters, their comments and reactions still hurt. Bravery has a big cost, but it can be worth the pain in the long run. For example, when I was growing up there were zero openly gay couples and now there are gay pride parades. It's a different world and I expect it to only get easier for you ... eventually. But that doesn't really help now, does it?Let's go over your options as I see them, complete with pros, cons and recommendations.
Give up raiding.
- Pro You don't have to put up with the haters anymore.
- Con You love raiding. You let the funsuckers win.
- Recommendation No.
- Pro You give people courage to be themselves. You are making the concept of transgender more familiar and therefore more accepted. You get to do what you like. You can show them that physical world realities have nothing to do with in-game skills and personality.
- Con It still hurts. A lot.
- Recommendation Only do this if you want to lead by example and are willing to tolerate the intolerant.
- Pro You get to be treated like a "normal" person. You get to raid without nastiness.
- Con You go back to hiding. Moving away from friends is hard.
- Recommendation If you would really like to be accepted as your preferred gender and don't want to be "out" anymore, this is the choice for you.
- Pro You get to be yourself -- completely out and accepted for who you are. You get to raid without nastiness.
- Con Moving away from friends is hard.
- Recommendation It is so relaxing to be exactly who you are among tolerant people, no matter how you play. I recommend at least creating a character there to try out the culture and see how you like it.
Drama Mama Lisa: I'm going to drive off the beaten path here, Gender Reroller, and turn you over to the capable care of Guest Drama Mama Seraphina Brennan, senior editor at our sister publication Massively. Sera has personal experience with this issue, and I'm betting you'll find her guidance both realistic and reassuring.
Anywho, Lisa asked me to offer a few tokens of advice, as I'm transgendered and a former raid leader from the Ravenholdt (US) server. Now, I was able to be pretty open with my guild (luckily) and people on my raids were usually quite behaved (most likely because I ran a tight ship and was entirely willing to use to use the Holy Banhammer of Justice skill). But if the topic would come up ("Why does everyone call you she when you're a dude?"), I would very simply answer it and ask for it to be respected. For the most part, people would respect it because we were there to raid, not there to start drama.
So, my advice to you is to try to be open and yourself if you stick around. If those players don't want you around, then that's their loss. Your guild sounds welcoming, so try to stick with them and enjoy some upper-level content. If you need to step into a raid and someone has a problem with your being there, try stick it out and show him you can raid like a pro. That can usually get him to quit the griefing, because raids aren't about insulting the other people with you. (That's just bad raiding, and I don't care how "hardcore" you think you are. Raids are teamwork.) This is the harder path, however, because the person may not want to change. Some people are just morons through and through, and doing this may not be worth it for you.
The other option is to move servers, as you said. You're there to have a good time and see some content, not be assailed by morons every five minutes during your raids. If this drama is locking you out of what you want to do, then by all means transfer servers. You might find a much more welcoming environment, another great guild of people, and a great server community that's competitive but awesome at the same time. In the least, it will give you a fresh start and a chance to have some fun doing what you want to do.
You play this game to have fun, and if you're not having fun because of your environment, then change your environment. Enjoy yourself, enjoy your raids, and enjoy Azeroth. Don't let a few jerks get you down, and never stop being true to yourself.
Note: We will be monitoring the comments and moderating them heavily as needed. If you don't want to get deleted or banned, don't be That Guy.
Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at DramaMamas@wow.com. Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Drama Mamas
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 18)
Bronwyn Oct 15th 2010 4:20PM
I hope to god you're trolling and that you don't feel like this IRL.
Hipponax Oct 16th 2010 12:52AM
[Since I don't know what Gender Reroller's preferred gender is, I'm just going to use feminine pronouns for simplicity's sake. Sorry to the OP, if that's wrong].
"We'll treat you the same but we will NOT treat you better than us, nor will we give you special protection and rights that the rest of us don't have. You don't want equal rights and status with us, you want *higher* status that us."
Look, if I thought that that was what this was all about, I would be 100% on your side. No group, minority or majority, should have deferential treatment. Nevertheless I don't think that that is what's happening here at all. If you read Gender Reroller's post -- and I mean REALLY read it and think about what she is saying about her experience on WoW -- I think you'd see that she is not seeking some sort of privileged position in this or any other community. This is what happened: WowInsider decided to run an advice column. Gender Reroller needs some advice and so she asked a question. In the question she commented on 2 things:
First, she said that because she was actively transitioning and because people on her server had heard her voice on vent before it matched her new gender, people had figured out that she was trans. She also implied that while her guild was cool about everything and didn't give her shit, the server at large had found out about her status because of rampant rumor-mongering and people were being sort of rude to her in pugs and whatnot.
The second problem she voiced was that again, while her current guild was more-or-less cool, she has the same sort of aspirations as many WoW players and was thinking about moving on to a bigger and fancier guild (she probably wants to nab that Kingslayer title before Cataclysm drops). The only problem with this is that the three guilds on her server that would be worth transferring into pump their guild chat full of anti-trans talk and are probably aware (just like much of the rest of the server) that she is trans.
So she posed the (simple) question: Should she 1) stick around on her server where people know all sorts of things about her and potentially will mock her for them and where it seems unlikely that the raiding guilds will accept her (or be nice to her if they do accept her), or 2) given that she is fully transitioned now and can finally pass for her preferred gender, should she server transfer and hope either that the environment is a little bit more trans-friendly or that nobody on her new server learns about her status.
This all sounds to me like a reasonable question. She feels sort of put out by her server's culture and rhetoric and is wondering if a fresh start and some anonymity might make her feel better. Nowhere in this post does she ask for special treatment. She never suggests that the rhetoric on her server should change. She never suggests that the raiding guilds should change the tone of their guild chat. She doesn't demand wow institute some sort of "Treat Gender Reroller with Respect or Else" world event. She doesn't want to steal your dpsing job or get promoted to the head of a guild just because she's trans. All she wants to know is whether or not two WowInsider writers think she'd be better off sucking it up in an environment that she's sick of, or transferring to another server where the pastures might be greener. I don't really see where your righteous fury about special treatment comes in: she isn't asking you to change; she just wants to know if she should move on.
As for gay/trans rights issues in general, I think if you look at what gay groups are asking for, you'll find that what they want is, in fact, equal rights without special treatment. Gay marriage = "everyone should have the right to marry someone they love, even gays." Repealing Don't Ask Don't Tell = "everyone should be able to serve in the military without being afraid of getting kicked out if someone learns who they're sleeping with, even gays." Anti-Mathew Shepard-style violence protests = "nobody should be tied to a fence and beaten to death, not even gays." If you religious beliefs or social beliefs or whatever tell you that you should be opposed to homosexuality on some sort of moral ground, that's one thing and there can be (and is) extended political, religious, and social debate over whether or not this is true. The idea, however, that the OP or that the majority of gays in general are seeking anything other that equal treatment is preposterous.
Jay Oct 15th 2010 11:08AM
I prefer to keep my personal life to myself. There's very little reason to discuss your orientation/gender/etc in a videogame.
Ninani of Wyrmrest Accord Oct 15th 2010 11:15AM
That is not as much of an option for transgendered people. Closeted gay people can just keep a low profile, transgendered people are forced to essentially roleplay something they're not comfortable being even in real life. The only way to keep it to oneself for any extended period is to never get ventrilo/voicechat, which isn't an option if you're interested in raiding.
George Oct 15th 2010 11:16AM
That is but one of many schools of thought. It's valid, if it's your style. But for me, for instance, my social life revolves around hanging out with coworkers and playing WoW with my guild (and my wife). Everyone needs people they can be open an honest with. For me, that is my WoW crew, because being that open and honest with my coworkers could lead to some awkward situations. Plus, my guildmates have a lot in common: adults, jobs, having kids, etc, so there's a lot of understanding.
woecip Oct 15th 2010 11:21AM
"The only way to keep it to oneself for any extended period is to never get ventrilo/voicechat, which isn't an option if you're interested in raiding."
Huh? talk in the voice you use in real life. No one sees you EVER. There is no web cam. This is just more blame game crap.
Thrasher Oct 15th 2010 11:21AM
For the most part, yes, but with vent around, it can lead to situations where it comes up for the transgendered. You can USUALLY tell whether a voice is biologically male or female (obviously there are exceptions) and this will lead to people calling the transgender by the wrong gender pronouns. This can be offensive to some. How would you like it if everyone you raided with called you "she" consistently (assuming you are a male)? So they correct those with them, and usually this will have to come with an explanation of "I'm transgender" when people inevitably ask why they sound like the other gender.
JT Oct 15th 2010 11:24AM
This, so much this.
The WHOLE POINT of playing a fantasy based MMO is to get away from real life and the problems thereof for a few hours. There's no need to bring baggage into that. No one in video-game-land needs to know the personal intimate details of your life -- who you sleep with, your race, your gender, your politics your religion -- these things have nothing to do with whether or not you can play your class and stay out of the fire.
If you're a competent raider, any good raid guild will consider that and only that when you apply. If you find that the raid guild you're with allows language you find offensive, then leave. There's plenty that have strict policies on that sort of thing.
M Oct 15th 2010 11:44AM
Let me guess? You're male and straight, so you really don't have to deal with these issues. There's tons of reasons for gender or sexuality issues to be brought up, and most of them have nothing to do with people oversharing online. A lot of women pretend to be guys in game to avoid unwanted attention. A lot of gay people pretend to be straight, or at least, don't mention it, but it comes out.
Personally, I play with my partner nearly 100% of the time I'm online. We don't feel the need to discuss it either, but because we always play together, people have asked, and we've answered honestly. We roll our eyes and ignore the trolls calling people fags or faggots in trade or guild chat, but it's hard. Little kids are the most homophobic demographic, and WoW is full of them.
frugality Oct 15th 2010 11:28AM
You don't "need" to talk in vent for raiding. you can use raid chat if there are ever any problems.
Excuse my ignorance, but I fail to see how that would not solve all problems (except the cat is out of the bag" already).
-Roleplay/play whichever gender character you wish.
-Be able to raid
-Keep your personal life personal
-Not incite any feelings of other players by automatically bringing up an inherent contentious subject that taunts "real life" political, religious and medical beliefs into the open
Jay Oct 15th 2010 11:27AM
I've been raiding since vanilla without talking on VT, I always say my mic is broken. As long as you can listen there's never usually a problem.
Catacomb Kid Oct 15th 2010 11:29AM
This is valid...for you. However, for a transgender these issues are somewhat inevitable on vent--which in itself is inevitable for someone interested in raiding. As pointed out, when you sound masculine due to being biologically male, but you identify your gender as female, it quickly becomes apparent that something different is going on when Tina identifies herself in a(n unavoidably) masculine voice. Also, vice versa (sex/gender-wise). So, while it is perhaps possible for our gay and lesbian friends to leave their business as their business, this is less of an option for our transgender friends.
Nick Oct 15th 2010 11:34AM
Agreed, I tend to keep personal life out of game where possible. However I am male, sound male and prefer to live my life as a male. At least I assume I do, I haven't tried any other way.
If this weren't the case my life "choices" (I don't believe being transgender is a choice, much like sexual orientation isn't really a choice either) would be fairly apparent as soon as I used voice chat. Ofcourse if someone referred to me as "she" I'd correct them, and so would any other male (biologically or otherwise).
I applaud Gender Reroller for having the courage to be honest with themselves and with their guildies. (note the pronoun use, Gender Reroller didn't mention if they are female->male or male->female transgender) I really don't get why people have to make an issue of these types of things, does the way other people find happiness really affect others in any way?
lolikitty Oct 15th 2010 11:35AM
Unless guilds ask for a minimum of personnal info to be able to apply, which they usually do, and you're really tired of having to lie or hide yourself. And then there's the "talking on Vent" thing. This is not exactly only a matter of sexual orientation.
Reroller, I wish you the best of luck, and don't let the morons get to you.
/e-hug
Brett Porter Oct 15th 2010 11:47AM
I can understand why some may not want to talk about real life things but in social guilds that can be a lot more difficult. Even raiding guilds will talk about non raiding stuff when not raiding.
From personal experience it can be uncomfortable to refer to your significant other as your boyfriend when you aren't sure how others will take it. Other folks talk about their SOs why shouldn't I?
Adoisin Oct 15th 2010 11:47AM
I am a female in real life, and almost everyone refers to me as "he" until they know me better or hear me in vent. I don't bother to correct people unless they are a new guild mate or someone I am stuck spending a lot of time around. Is a gender pronoun that important in a pug? The people that matter know.
Schadenfreude Oct 15th 2010 11:52AM
This is a huge privilege issue. Straight, cisgendered people would think nothing of casually mentioning that they have an opposite sex partner, while gay people have to hide or lie. Transgender people have to pretend to be the gender that they by definition do not want to be.
It's so easy for straight, cisgendered people to say "well just don't do that" when they never have to censor their own behavior to protect themselves from harassment.
Eldoron Oct 15th 2010 12:07PM
This is exactly what I said too. But OFC I got "intolerant"
SR Oct 15th 2010 12:09PM
Alright, I've tried to say nice things about this, but this is getting a bit ridiculous here. All I've been seeing are half-boiled excuses.
I'm assuming that this person is a male that transgendered to female, and is facing trolling from trolls because this person sounds masculine. That's fine. There are workarounds.
In-game, you NEVER have to reveal your gender/identity. I've been mistaken as a girl COUNTLESS times on randoms, and that's just because I was in a good mood and wasn't trash-talking about their DPS. And even STILL I get mistaken for a female. (PMS, etc) Just GO WITH IT. I personally don't have a problem because I don't give a flying you-know-what, so if people thinks you're a dude on vent, just play along. Don't cause "unwanted" drama by saying you got a "gender re-roll". It'll just give trolls something to play with.
Does that sound like it's wrong for the transgenders? Yes. It's very unfair. But that's how the society's eyes are at the moment, and trolls tend to go to extremes with that chain of thought. However, you can't just waltz out, claim you're something the majority's still not fond of, and expect it to end well.
Extreme analogy time. Let's say you are a member of the Scarlet Crusade, and you've been a member since the beginning, so you still have some sense of logic. The people around you are kinda crazy, and hates the HELL out of the undead. Turns out, you caught the plague of undeath one day, and are slowly turning undead, but it stops after a certain point. Would it be wise, when asked by others around you, to say that "I'm half-undead right now" and cause a shitstorm, or just play along and say you're still human?
Morally wrong? Sure. I ain't gonna tell you to "suck it up, pansy" either. But now's just not the right time to expose that about yourself.
GerardthePriest Oct 15th 2010 12:20PM
Once you've played with people for a while, they talk casually about their spouses, their girlfriends, their boyfriends, their pets, their jobs, their home, their vacation. It's your choice to join in (or not), but it's important to understand that for some people, joining in the most basic sharing means either coming out or censoring themselves.
Maybe you never move beyond listening to others on Vent. Or maybe you're exactly what people expect you to be and have never had to come out as anything else. But being relaxed, honest, and yourself means coming out eventually, if you're not what people assume (gender-normative, straight, monogamous, Christian, whatever). The other choice is to hide who you are, something some people aren't willing to do when they're playing with people they consider friends, or at least buddies.