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All of the latest Mists of Pandaria newsDrama Mamas: Transgender bullying
by Robin Torres 
Oct 15th 2010 at 11:00AM
I really, really wanted to embed People are People by Depeche Mode, but Warner Brothers won't let me. Rather than rage about that here, you can go to my tweet, if you wish. So instead of an awesomely appropriate video and song, you get a screenshot taken at the <It came from the Blog> Brewfest 2010 event -- because people are still people, even when they are multiboxing druids dancing with blood elves in bunny ears. Let's just move on to the letter.
Hello Drama Mamas,
I've been playing WoW for about a year and a half now. While I've always been a member of some minority groups (I have a few disabilities, for example) and have always had a problem with the pro-bullying majority environment on WoW, the problem kind of got a bit worse for me about six months into that time when I joined the most maligned group yet and came out as transgender. I really enjoy the game and I'm in a guild that handles this (and many other) things about me quite expertly, but the backlash I get in pickup raids mostly because of Vent (which is how quite a few people on my very small server know my trans status), has me seriously considering quitting the game or at least quitting raiding, which is my favorite part of the game.
The frustrating thing is that WoW was originally an escape for me, where I could function as preferred-gender much more easily than I did in the real world. But ironically the reverse is now true. I'm pretty much done with the process outside of WoW and yet because of rumor creep, a huge amount of people in the game know about me, and even my guildies have trouble with pronouns because my voice hasn't sounded preferred-gender for incredibly long.
To top it off, I'm kind of interested in getting into some more hardcore raiding, but on my server the three hardcore guilds in existence are full of transphobic comments and all sorts of other crap. If I were personally being harassed it would be almost easier because there'd be a clear path to solving it. But it's like a server-wide bucket of crap that's making me think I just want to change servers and not tell anyone in my new guild, preferably to a place where hardcore mature guilds exist and there's a lot of people. Am I letting people get to me when I could just fix the situation, or is this a good idea?
Gender Reroller
Drama Mama Robin: First of all, congratulations on being brave, open and truthful. Bravo! But blech, no matter how rational you are about the haters, their comments and reactions still hurt. Bravery has a big cost, but it can be worth the pain in the long run. For example, when I was growing up there were zero openly gay couples and now there are gay pride parades. It's a different world and I expect it to only get easier for you ... eventually. But that doesn't really help now, does it?Let's go over your options as I see them, complete with pros, cons and recommendations.
Give up raiding.
- Pro You don't have to put up with the haters anymore.
- Con You love raiding. You let the funsuckers win.
- Recommendation No.
- Pro You give people courage to be themselves. You are making the concept of transgender more familiar and therefore more accepted. You get to do what you like. You can show them that physical world realities have nothing to do with in-game skills and personality.
- Con It still hurts. A lot.
- Recommendation Only do this if you want to lead by example and are willing to tolerate the intolerant.
- Pro You get to be treated like a "normal" person. You get to raid without nastiness.
- Con You go back to hiding. Moving away from friends is hard.
- Recommendation If you would really like to be accepted as your preferred gender and don't want to be "out" anymore, this is the choice for you.
- Pro You get to be yourself -- completely out and accepted for who you are. You get to raid without nastiness.
- Con Moving away from friends is hard.
- Recommendation It is so relaxing to be exactly who you are among tolerant people, no matter how you play. I recommend at least creating a character there to try out the culture and see how you like it.
Drama Mama Lisa: I'm going to drive off the beaten path here, Gender Reroller, and turn you over to the capable care of Guest Drama Mama Seraphina Brennan, senior editor at our sister publication Massively. Sera has personal experience with this issue, and I'm betting you'll find her guidance both realistic and reassuring.
Anywho, Lisa asked me to offer a few tokens of advice, as I'm transgendered and a former raid leader from the Ravenholdt (US) server. Now, I was able to be pretty open with my guild (luckily) and people on my raids were usually quite behaved (most likely because I ran a tight ship and was entirely willing to use to use the Holy Banhammer of Justice skill). But if the topic would come up ("Why does everyone call you she when you're a dude?"), I would very simply answer it and ask for it to be respected. For the most part, people would respect it because we were there to raid, not there to start drama.
So, my advice to you is to try to be open and yourself if you stick around. If those players don't want you around, then that's their loss. Your guild sounds welcoming, so try to stick with them and enjoy some upper-level content. If you need to step into a raid and someone has a problem with your being there, try stick it out and show him you can raid like a pro. That can usually get him to quit the griefing, because raids aren't about insulting the other people with you. (That's just bad raiding, and I don't care how "hardcore" you think you are. Raids are teamwork.) This is the harder path, however, because the person may not want to change. Some people are just morons through and through, and doing this may not be worth it for you.
The other option is to move servers, as you said. You're there to have a good time and see some content, not be assailed by morons every five minutes during your raids. If this drama is locking you out of what you want to do, then by all means transfer servers. You might find a much more welcoming environment, another great guild of people, and a great server community that's competitive but awesome at the same time. In the least, it will give you a fresh start and a chance to have some fun doing what you want to do.
You play this game to have fun, and if you're not having fun because of your environment, then change your environment. Enjoy yourself, enjoy your raids, and enjoy Azeroth. Don't let a few jerks get you down, and never stop being true to yourself.
Note: We will be monitoring the comments and moderating them heavily as needed. If you don't want to get deleted or banned, don't be That Guy.
Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at DramaMamas@wow.com. Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Drama Mamas
Reader Comments (Page 2 of 18)
Jay Oct 15th 2010 12:20PM
@Schadenfreude: It's also very easy for you to assume that all straight people are carefree.
Everyone hides a part of themselves in one way or another to protect themselves from rejection and harassment. I'm not saying its right, but right now that's life.
The fact is there are just as many bigoted and close minded people as there are open minded people, and the ratio is around the same in WoW. It's your choice to publicly tell people in your guild about your personal life.
What people think of you in a videogame is the least of your worries in this world, trust me.
mhm Oct 15th 2010 12:44PM
anonymity= internet!!!!!!! I am sorry people aren't accepting you, very not cool. There are plenty of guilds that are based on homo sexuality and the like , maybe you should look for one. As far as i understand every server has a guild oriented in this area, not just proudmoore. These guilds are usually low key and you probably won't be bothered. Good luck, don't let the haters win!
rrerin Oct 15th 2010 12:45PM
As someone who is Male-to-Female transgender, and as a leader in my raiding guild, this issues is something that is very close to my heart.
Sure you can say that your real life should never make it into a video game, but truthfully that is an unrealistic expectation for a lot of people. I personally spend 3-4 days a week raiding with my guild for 3 hours each. I spend more time sitting on vent chatting with my guild mates online and in vent than I do with most IRL friends. My guild is my home-away-from-home, and we all consider ourselves to be part of a family. We all talk about how our lives are going or things that are happening with our families and our work because that is just the kind of environment there is in the guild.
And though this is the case I haven't actually come out to my guild mates as transgender because I don't want to be viewed or seen differently by them. They simply know me as a girl, which is great, and if someone new slips up on vent or something like that it's not a big deal because other people will correct them.
The big thing that is scaring me here is the whole "blame the victim" mentality that I'm seeing in the comments. The idea that this person somehow brought this on themselves or deserves it for not continuing to hide who they are IRL is absurd and offensive. Just because society views something to be taboo does not make it okay to ostracize someone for being that way. Just look at the archaic morals of society from 100 years ago where women couldn't vote and racism was the flavor of the day. Society doesn't always get it right, so why should we defer to society when setting standards for how we treat each other... in game or out.
jenivere Oct 15th 2010 12:56PM
Jay, suggesting that a transgendered person simply turn his or her microphone off really doesn't solve the problem. Turning off vent to avoid others hearing their voice or to avoid nasty comments would just further isolate those who want to be accepted.
That said, I am so happy to see these issues being discussed on this site - it's just awesome. Good luck with whatever decision you make, Reroller!
Andy Oct 15th 2010 1:15PM
I do not understand the problem on vent. There can be men with lighter voices, there can be women with deeper voices. Though in most situations you can get a pretty good bearing on what gender someone is by sound of voice, use of words and through vocal emotional displays, is this really a problem for you?
If they mistake you for a chick, roll with it. That is the gender you are aspiring to be, is it not? If they think you are a dude, tell them your a chick, or ignore it all together. Details, 9 strangers do not need to know everything about you.
As you make friends, you can let them in on the details, if you feel the need. If they reject you, then they were not really your friends to begin with.
Also, how are you letting people know about your situation? Are you letting them find out naturally or are you throwing it in their face? Me, like many others, can accept you for what you are. If you throw it in our faces and jam it down our throats then you will get rejected.
Always keep in mind acceptance is not always understanding.
Eirik Oct 15th 2010 1:25PM
@Jay: "It's so easy for straight, cisgendered people to say "well just don't do that" when they never have to censor their own behavior to protect themselves from *** gender based *** harassment."
Fixed that for you. No reason to discount race, age, region, religion, or political based harassment. It's exceptionally difficult for the young to disguise their age; or for people not trained to it to disguise their accent. And all the other categories can come up in the same fashion as gender issues: someone asks, you "be honest".
Savant Oct 15th 2010 2:42PM
Put me in the "I prefer to keep my personal life to myself." camp as well. Honestly, I really don't care if you are straight, gay, transsexual or any of the other various terms. It's a game, and your personal life is no one else's concern. Making a point of bringing up one's sexual preference or gender identity is not something that I really think anyone should be doing. That applies to everyone. I really don't care if you are straight, gay, man, woman or woman trapped in a man's body etc. Just pick a character and play the game. No one I have played with has ever cared if a man plays a female character. Heck, plenty of video games have females as the only role to play, and men are quite happy with that.
If people are bringing this up in-game because they feel they need 'acceptance', then it sounds to me like they are the ones with the issues and not the rest of us.
I don't care. Really. You're a (insert term here)...? Cool, can we kill this boss now?
It's a total non-issue to me, and I would rather not be forced into a discussion on the subject because someone feels they need to get it off their chest. Talk it out with a therapist if you need to, I don't play the game to be a counsellor to people. I play to have fun, and I keep my personal life personal. I'd love it if everyone else would do the same.
thepiratester Oct 15th 2010 2:45PM
Indeed- Keep it to yourself- less talky more clicky!! Stop standing in fire Mr.mam!!
Bronwyn Oct 15th 2010 4:16PM
I was wondering how quickly the "Keep your personal life personal" comment would come up.
Here's the thing. Telling someone to respond to bullying by hiding whatever it is they're being bullied for is really, really insensitive. I'm sorry- some people don't want to bring their personal life into the game, and that's fine, but acting like this is something that Gender Reroller should have to WORK to hide is really short-sighted and kind of rude.
Essentially what you're asking them to do is to curb their own enjoyment of the game- sure you could make the argument that the bullying is curbing their enjoyment of the game even more- that may be true, but if one of the options here is to find another, more tolerant server/guild/etc to play on, then why not do that instead? I think it's incredibly sad that the solutions here- such as just not talking on vent (some of us rather enjoy talking on vent, actually) or lying all the time- are even being touted as "good" solutions. They are not. They suck. I wish I saw less of this and more of people chewing out the bullies, because just ignoring the problem doesn't help it go away.
The Drama Mamas have given some very good solutions here for trying to find a good solution that doesn't involve hiding who you are. For some of us, hiding who we are online is second nature, but for others it isn't, and it's silly to tell someone the best solution is just to try and be someone you're not.
Alraera Oct 15th 2010 4:55PM
@M "Let me guess? You're male and straight, so you really don't have to deal with these issues. "
bigotry isnt bigotry because its against a minority. you can also be bigoted against a majority, which is what you sound like here. i am a devout christian who doesnt bring spirituality into wow unless im asked about it directly, however, it seems that there are more antichristian players than there are antigay. does this offend me? of course not. even if hatred is directed at me, how could effect me much? these people are as real as baron rivendare and arthas menethil. you need to learn to like who you are, once you do that, you wont worry about what anyone else says. bullying is simple to overcome, dont become a victim.
Tim Oct 15th 2010 5:56PM
Just a thought...
Voice synthesizer + vent = more masculine or feminine sounding voice.
Not the best option because you're still effectively hiding who you are, but *an* option for asshat servers.
Muchao Oct 15th 2010 6:33PM
@ Schadenfreude, who said, "It's so easy for straight, cisgendered people to say "well just don't do that" when they never have to censor their own behavior to protect themselves from harassment. "
I have known cisgendered people of various sexual orientations, including straight, who fall on both sides of that... either of the "keep it to yourself" mindset or the "be proud of who you are, fight the bullies" mindset. I've also known some transgender people who are firmly of the "keep it quiet unless you must reveal it, choose to associate only with those who are open and like-minded" mindset. Only one of them ever told me they took that position out of fear of ridicule and oppression. The other two both took the stance of "the only reason to bring it up is if you're looking for attention". I've known transgender people who are so firm on being only recognized as the gender they identify as that they are cruel in the criticism of those who are open about being transgender, rather than having been born that gender. They, in fact, become bullies themselves over it. Assigning that view to "straight, cisgendered people" is closed-minded and unfair. And being part of the "socially approved" gender identity and sexual orientation group does not automatically mean never having to be concerned with being ridiculed for other things that may be different or unpopular about how a straight cisgendered person lives. Inaccurate blanket judgements like that are divisive and play right into the hands of the people who take delight in hurting those who are not like themselves.
Dementron Oct 15th 2010 7:15PM
Some things in our society are simply not "personal". Gender is one of them. Whether you like it or not, your gender is one of the most public and obvious things about you. It's one of the first things, if not THE first thing, we think of when we identify an individual. In English, we don't even have a pronoun for an individual or unknown or intermediate gender. Everyone is constantly referred to as either "he" or "she". (People who want to get around this have to invent words, or use the plural "they" as a singular, which any English professor will tell you is grammatically incorrect.)
When there is any kind of incongruity in a person's apparent, stated or presumed gender (like say, voice on vent, or a person asking to be referred to by a different pronoun than they used to use), altogether too many people will make a big deal out of this. And, because it is such a fundamental part of a person's identity, gender issues are likely to be outed in a community eventually, even if a person does not talk about them.
It is easy for a person whose body matches their mental gender and who fits within other people's expectations of their gender to gloss over how powerful a force gender identity is in human relations, simply because they have never encountered any serious or recurring problems with it. However, a person who does not conform to heteronormative expectations can face constant rejection, both subtle and outright, from those who view gender as an absolute, and a person transitioning gender is especially vulnerable because it can be very difficult for a person to hide that transition, even if they want to.
Personally, I don't understand why anyone bothers to mock or be affronted by someone else's gender identity or sexual orientation. As far as I'm concerned, people are just people, whether they're female, male, both, neither, gay, straight, bi, omnisexual, asexual, or an alien from the planet Gsxmemedtblat. People are people, and some people spend altogether too much of their lives hating other people for seemingly no good reason.
TLDR: Gender schmender.
Desmentia Oct 16th 2010 4:36AM
Not that I'm saying that you should have to hide, but if you want to, you could use voice-morphing software. I've only ever seen voice-morphers used for trolling our vent, but I suppose your situation is a fairly legitimate use of it.
Mel Oct 28th 2010 12:39PM
Be Brave! if you are on an EU server and fancy transferring, The B Word Steamwheedle Cartel, would love to have you although we are a casual raiding guild made up of in game friends, we keep it light social and remember our focus is to have fun, no matter what is going on, WoW is an escape for all of us!
Sad to hear people aren't accepting you and it's easy for me to say this but remember they are the ones leading small lives not enriched by the wide diversity of people out there. I am very shy in real life, in the game I am a Guild Master, a Raid Leader, Agony Aunt and a friend, I found a confidence in game that I struggle to find face to face so I can understand to a point what you wanted or found within the game. (Granted its not as major as what you are going through!)
Keep being strong
Hugs
Mel (Aurna)
Randy Oct 15th 2010 11:11AM
I know what I'm about to say is comparing apples to oranges....but when I go to work I leave the personal baggage at the door.....when I log on to WoW and in vent I leave the irl baggage at the door.....precisely for this reason. Not that being a mormon is a big a shock to people as being gay, transgender, or disabled in some way, but its still opening the door to a bunch of crap. I keep trade off for this reason unless I have legit us for it. I just don't understand why you would take into the game things you already get enough IRL crap over.
And for those who don't understand my mormon angle, I live in Cali, where even though I have gay friends and plenty of proffessional working relationships with gay people, I'm still labeled a hateful discriminating bastard by many just because of a religous belief.
Mitawa Oct 15th 2010 11:38AM
As mentioned in a reply to the previous comment, it's not often possible for gay people to "leave their baggage"
Imagine if you had an annoying, immortal parrot grafted onto your shoulder that shouted "MORMON!" every time you pressed your Vent mic button.
Transgendered people can't generally change their voices until and unless they actually get medical assistance. Talking on Vent is like a permanent sign telling people you're not normal.
Cyrus Oct 15th 2010 11:49AM
As was already clearly explained in the post, leaving "the personal baggage at the door" isn't an option when voice reveals the difference. Some guilds require vent and some people make friends online and that's harder to do if you have to hide who you are. So your advice, well-meaning or not, doesn't seem to apply too wel in this case.
As for Mormonism, I'm sure you have a ton of gay friends, but how much of your money went to Proposition 8?
Randy Oct 15th 2010 1:25PM
@Cyrus, not a penny....as I have a personal belief against funding political campaigns regardless of candidate or issue.
Although considering now that corporations have a green light to pump millions into political campaigns (thank you stupid Supreme Court)....any piddly donation I would make wouldn't matter anyway.
Hades Oct 15th 2010 11:57AM
Exactly.
I totally understand how the issues the reader has mentioned would make shim feel uncomfortable, but...
It is up to the player to set the boundaries that are right for them. Their are guilds out there that will welcome you with open arms even if you never talk on vent.
Maybe a server-transfer and a name change are what's needed for a fresh start.