Drama Mamas: Control freak
by Robin Torres 
Dec 3rd 2010 at 5:00PM
Drama Mamas Lisa Poisso and Robin Torres are experienced gamers and real-life mamas -- and just as we don't want our precious babies to be the ones kicking and wailing on the floor of the checkout lane next to the candy, neither do we want you to become known as That Guy on your realm.
We continue to receive the results of advice that we have given over the course of this column. But we're greedy and we want more! If we have answered a letter from you and you want to participate in our roundup column, please email us at DramaMamas@wow.com.
We received the following letter a couple of months ago. It is impossible for us to answer every letter in a timely fashion, unfortunately. Still, we hope that this can still be of some help. Note: "Control Freak" was the subject of the letter writer's email and that's why we chose it as the title, not to be judgmental.
Hi Mamas,
I write to you with an issue that is very close to my heart. It deals with the very essence of my personality, so please don't be too harsh with me.
I'm a control freak. I can't help it. I have to know what's going on, by whom, when it's happening, how it's happening, why it's happening, etc.
This wasn't an issue when I was an officer of our guild. Our guild is very tight and I like to think I handled my role well, by always knowing the plans for the weeks ahead. I would always know who would and wouldn't be attending raids and why; what strats we would use and why the old one would being scrapped. I'd make conversation with everyone in the guild and be personable as it made my job easier and everyone friendlier. However, through a series of events that's too long to go into, we're now under a new guild tag with a lot of the same people -- but under new management.
Now I am a regular raider. I am no longer privy to the basic information I used to have at my fingertips. I feel so uneasy when the raid forms and it's not the usual raid. I can't help but ask, "Raider1's not here, we're short a healer? Who's healing instead? Does that mean we're still going for heroic sindy tonight? What are we doing instead?"
Of course, the leaders already have it all under control, but I feel so helpless not knowing in advance! If something happens in the raid that doesn't make sense to me, I speak up, in case it's an error (because it has happened in the past). For example, a resto shammy was awarded enhancement gear as he was enhancement for that particular fight. This isn't our usual loot rule so I questioned what was going on. After a relatively short (slightly heated) discussion, our leader says, "Will you just trust me! I have it under control!"
Obviously, my questioning is getting on people's nerves, but they're too nice to say so. Our leader apologized to me for snapping, and I assured her that I wasn't trying to question her authority -- just understand what was going on. Can you help me find a happy medium? When is it OK to ask questions about things? And above all, when should I just learn to bite my tongue, swallow my anxiety and let the leaders do their thing? In case it's not obvious by now, I feel very strongly about this. Just staying quiet when I'm bursting to ask, or when I want to give someone a suggestion, is one of the hardest things for me to do.
Sincerely awaiting your advice,
Replaced
Drama Mama Robin: Replaced, I've been there. Not in WoW, mind you, but for many years I wanted to "help" by pointing out inconsistencies and verifying information and otherwise coming off as a picky, know-it-all, pain-in-the-butt. I still struggle with it. We have the best intentions, but make no mistake: we come off as picky, know-it-all, pain-in-the-butts. Here are a few things I've tried to help me relax when I'm stressing about the details I can't control::- Never question in public. If you can't help yourself and absolutely have to ask questions about the situation, please never, ever, ever question the leaders in raid, guild or any other public chat. Keep your questions to whispers so that the leader can answer on his own terms. Otherwise, you are shaming and disrespecting the leadership -- whether you mean to or not.
- Keep a journal. You seem to have overall confidence in your new raid leadership, but are just fretting over the details. The best way to quiet your mind is to collect hard data. Record all of your questions that are bothering you. All those things you ask in your letter, ask them in your journal and then wait and see how they play out. Once you get the answers to your questions (from what happens, not from asking), write them down. Over time, you will see a trend. Are the raids actually going smoothly, with most of the details worked out in a timely manner even without your input? If yes, you should be able to relax a bit more, referring to your hard data as needed. If not, you know to offer your services to the leadership or move to a different guild (and start all over again as a non-leader).
- Practice some relaxation techniques. Yeah, yeah, I'm a hippie. But doctors and therapists really believe in relaxation therapy as well. If you're stressing out over these things you can't control, then try breathing through it. Here are some breathing exercises to try, or go for yoga breathing or a Tai Chi method or whatever. Breathing is good and it really does help.
- Accept your position. If you truly accept the fact that you are not in control and aren't going to be in control (particularly if you keep questioning the leadership), it can be a relaxing experience. Being a cog is definitely less stressful. You have no responsibilities except for your own words and actions -- the only things you can truly control. Try to let go and embrace your lack of responsibility.
- Focus on you. Be the best raider you can be. Work on improvements for your rotation, your UI, your reactions -- we all can do things to get better. Focus on your preparation and performance and you'll have less time to worry about what the leaders are and aren't doing.
Drama Mama Lisa: As always, Robin has some wonderful ideas. I've spent the past few weeks helping one child maintain his sanity through an accelerated driver's ed course and the other pick her way through high-pressure classical piano competitions over an entire month's worth of weekends -- so right now, I'm in Keeping It Real mode. Here's what I would tell my kids if they came to me with a similar dilemma:You know what to do. You're telling us outright that you know what the problem is, you know how you're contributing to it, and you know that you need to change your behavior.
Yes, this situation is hard. It's uncomfortable. You'd like a way not to make the way you feel now easier to take. Your new role is not going away, though -- and like driver's ed and piano competitions, if you want the license or the prize at the end (an enjoyable guild experience!), you've got to buck up and do what's required. For you, this means being a good guild member, not a good guild leader. Think about what you appreciated about guild members back when you were a leader. Be that guild member, not only in what you do not do but also in what you do do.
I say to you then, Control Freak: take control! You're no control freak at all if you're not controlling the one thing you can control best: you.
Time to get busy!
Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at DramaMamas@wow.com. Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Drama Mamas
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
Toothy Dec 3rd 2010 5:11PM
A handy gauge to use - repeat the question twice in your head. If you suddenly imagine your dad's hand coming over the car seat to smack you...its an annoying question, dont ask it.
When I hear questions like that from adults, I assume they got plenty of backhands for the "are we there yet...are we there yet...are we there yet" questions. Someone else is driving the raid, let them drive before you distract them into running into a ditch already.
Eric Dec 3rd 2010 6:28PM
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
erin Dec 3rd 2010 8:54PM
Don't make me come back there! I'll turn this raid around right now!
BigBadGooz Dec 3rd 2010 9:31PM
Be quiet and share your fish feast with your sister.
AudreyR Dec 3rd 2010 5:22PM
These are some wonderful tips. Anxiety's always a bit tricky to deal with.
Another tip: Commit the Serenity Prayer to your memory and repeat it often.
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
If you're not religiously inclined, you can omit the word got and say it as a mantra, like I do. :)
Brett Porter Dec 3rd 2010 5:47PM
I accept that I am an altoholic. >.>
Vrykerion Dec 3rd 2010 5:51PM
Or there is always the Generic Modified Dune Chant:
I must not (verb form of an emotion). (emotion) is the mind-killer. (emotion) is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my (Emotion). I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
Works wonders and is Nerd-Approved(tm)!
Starsmore Dec 3rd 2010 7:42PM
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to properly hide the bodies.
That's how I always heard it. ;)
JT Dec 3rd 2010 10:07PM
Link to the Calvin and Hobbes version of serenity:
http://people.tribe.net/subliminalinertia/photos/8d0c9618-45f2-488e-a84a-3cbfd01a27f1
Zuf Dec 4th 2010 11:43AM
"No woman child ever withstood that much."
Huzzah for Frank Herbert
Anyways, honestly, as someone who's gone full circle at this point, once you're able to get beyond not having control, you will find it so much more relaxing. I went from being a grunt to an officer in classic, ran my own successful raiding guild in BC, and then for most of Wrath was an officer in another guild (although me and two other officers actually ended up being the one's running things). Recently I became a grunt again in another, absolutely great, raiding guild.
Adjusting to being all the way back at the bottom of the totem pole is a little itneresting at first, but honestly, I just let them know my history up front and it's mostly been a non issue. The best suggestion for at first though, as you get a feel for new leadership, is to just pull it back as much as possible, you may be bursting, but remember, the officers are there to run things for you now, so you can relax. Logistics questions, are best left up to them now. However, if you have a legitimate suggestion of policy, strategy, or something of the like, you should definitely speak up. I find that, at least with the leadership I have at my current guild, when I do have suggestions, they're always judged on merit, whether it came from the gm or a new recruit.
And once you get comfortable with this, I assure you, you will find it so relieving to not be responsible for all the potential things that can go wrong with a raiding guild. Sometimes, when we're acting as officers or GMs we get so caught up in all the stuff that needs to be done, that we forget to fully enjoy the game, now's your chance to relax, sit back, and remember what you like about playing wow, without all the distractions of guild logistics and politics.
And as you spend some time with your new guild, if you desire it, you may find that they see whatever leadership qualities in you your previous GM saw, and may want you to help them. Step back, breath, get a feel for the new environment, and then if you still want to be in that position of responsibility, show them why they should give it to you.
niko Dec 3rd 2010 5:22PM
It's easy to feel this way when the game turns into a fairly large part of your free time (i'm preaching to the choir/myself here, btw). Stuff gets srs real quick and it *does* matter if Sally is getting that piece of gear that you were going to get, etc.
I sympathize with the OP and appreciate the suggestions listed by our Mamas. :) Great post.
glyakk Dec 3rd 2010 5:33PM
I find it hard to micromanage people. It is defenatly one of my managerial weaknesses.
ambermist Dec 3rd 2010 6:59PM
Strengths. Micromanaging is the sign of an insecure leader, not a strong one. When you micromanage, the people under your leadership will, whether they realize it or not, believe that you aren't confident in their abilities or that you don't trust them. This will cause them to resent you and cause them to rebel in whatever way they feel most appropriate (often just refusing to work). Also, because they feel like you're nagging them, they will actively seek ways to get away with things when you aren't looking.
Leading without micromanaging means trusting the people who are responsible for a task with that task until they prove they are incapable, and showing them that you have confidence in them. This usually results in them wanting to do their job well so that they keep getting your approval.
Obviously, I feel very strongly about the topic. I've been micromanaged countless times (happens a lot when you work for the government, as I used to) and I've watched other people get micromanaged to the point of quitting just to get away from the nagging boss.
So don't say failure to micromanage is a weakness--it's not!
Vogie Dec 3rd 2010 5:38PM
I like raiding, not waiting.
I got around being a controlfreak by becoming an altaholic.
Oh, no we lost a ___________! Well It just so happens Vogie has a geared Tank. And a geared resto Shaman with Enhance offspec. And a geared resto Druid with Chickenspec.
As long as I show up, there's going to be a slot filled. I've gone through multiple raids where I start on one toon, end on another, with a third toon for that one fight where a healer's needed more than a scrub DPS. Especially since the new style of loot is more badge-based, there's really no downsides.
Graylo Dec 3rd 2010 5:49PM
I would also suggest trying to use Vent less, and mute yourself during raids if you can.
I may be assuming to much, but I wonder if part of the problem is Replaced sometimes speaks before he/she has an opportunity to think about his/her comments. If that is the case then putting up a wall between his/her mouth and and the ears of others can be a good idea. Having to type a question in chat will give you an opporunity to think about it for a second rather then blurting it out and possibly offending someone.
Lipstick Dec 3rd 2010 5:56PM
Oh man have I been here. What's worse -- is people who tend to be control freaks -- tend to see the crisis coming long before anyone else can see it. So when a guild or a situation is heading to a well head -- often you're the only one who can see it. And if you try to alert anyone to potential issues, they're likely to regard you the same way they would -- chicken little, as if you're some idiot screaming that the sky is falling.
I like to think I got this particular trait from my mother who jokingly always said to her willful and too smart for her own good daughter "thing would go much easier if you'd just accept that I am always right."
These days -- I don't find myself in any kind of guild or raiding situation (Yay expansion) I know the time will come when I will need to find a permanent home again, but for now -- I have one last suggestion -- try taking a break from the guild for a short time -- perhaps via an extended holiday. If you can't quit playing wow -- roll an alt and don't tell anyone about it -- the escape of leveling will give you a much needed time out from your anxiety -- and give you time to reflect if this guild is really where you're most happy.
The truth is -- control freaks -- will always be control freaks, even when you were a leader you probably got a bit on people's nerves, but they just accepted it because you were in control. A lot of this kind of behavior -- especially when you recognize yourself doing it, stems from the fact you really don't trust the people you're running with, don't like how they're running things, and are unhappy where you are but are paralyzed with fear about making the choice to leave because the idea of the unknown is more scary than dealing with something you don't like.
Lemons Dec 3rd 2010 6:23PM
Control freaks don't trust anyone. Period. You don't have to leave your guild to find a group of players that you can trust because it ain't happening. We think we can do it better than anyone else, and it doesn't matter who that person is. If I was in Paragon I'd have shit to say about how I think the raid could be run better. It doesn't matter.
Xantenise Dec 3rd 2010 8:30PM
I have to agree with this. I have social anxiety and have been known to overreact when it comes to the little things some people do - but the only times I overreacted to someone, they later proved they were a douche in a bigger way to the people around me.
Now I listen when I feel like I'm about to fly off the deep end.
aforestdarkly Dec 3rd 2010 6:20PM
Props on using the Clash. The greatest band of all time!
Shrikesnest Dec 17th 2010 11:36PM
OF ALL TIME!