Drama Mamas: Is That Guy abusive or obsessed?
by Robin Torres 
Dec 17th 2010 at 5:00PM
First of all, I would like to thank this week's letter writer for the signature that allows me to embed one of my favorite songs of all time. Secondly, I would like to remind you that if you wrote in and your email got answered, you can be included in our roundup column by sending in an update on what happened in your situation to DramaMamas@wow.com. And thirdly, well, there is no thirdly. Let's get right to it.
Dear Drama Mamas,
About a year ago, I found out that one of my real-life coworkers and her husband played WoW with their in-laws. I was excited! The server I was on no longer had any of my friends on it, as they had either quit or transferred. So I bit the bullet and moved to this new server. Things were going great! We raided, PVPed, quested, and crafted together -- all five of us. We were the perfect 5-man team and never met a dungeon that we couldn't beat together.
Once we started on ICC though, things started going downhill. My coworker's husband was the raid leader. At first this was good because he had all the strats researched, and if it didn't work, we tried something else. Over time, though, he started letting the power get to him. He would push when we needed to call it. He would accuse rather than inform and assist. He became an elitist jerk (not to be confused with the wonderful website).
It got to the point where I finally told him he needed to slow down the drive. It was not a race and it was not a competition. (I dread the phrase "go go go.") He threw a tantrum and said he was quitting WoW. His family that played talked some sense back into him and he came back to the fold about a week later. I had hoped that he would have figured out that I wasn't mad but needed less pressure. Being the main tank is hard enough. For about a month it was good. We downed LK and did 9/12 hard modes!
At this point it was about two months from Cataclysm, and most of us took a break from raiding to have fun in the pre-release events and catch up on some achievements. But the competitive attitude didn't stop. He started trying to beat us all in achievement points. Now for the last few months he has been proudly proclaiming that he has been being a real jerk to random players. This attitude is making it hard to want to run with him and I am not alone, as his attitude has been affecting his extended family too. But I don't know how to address the situation. Not only do I have my WoW life to consider but my work life too.
To top it all off, he has been the healer for our 5-mans and raids. He does a great job. I rarely die when he is healing me. But he decided that with Cata out now, he wants to become a tank instead with a DPS off-spec and never play his healer again. This has thrown all our guild's raiding plans in the drink. (We are constantly short of healers.) I don't know if I can take the competition that he will try to bring to the game.
Sincerely,
Under Pressure
Drama Mama Robin: Under Pressure, I'd like to break down the things you are telling me about your raid leader:- He has progressively gotten more controlling over his relationship with the guild.
- He is making accusations.
- He is insisting you all keep going after it ceases to be fun or productive.
- When his way is challenged, he threatens to quit his life on Azeroth.
- He is belittling you all repeatedly.
- His insulting and condescending behavior is carrying over to strangers.
- He is now threatening to quit his life as a healer and take your job as a tank.
I know this isn't as serious as a domestic abusive relationship, but it is still damaging. Listen to yourself: he is affecting both your WoW life and your work life. You cannot continue putting yourself through this.
Happily, he has provided you with the perfect opportunity to leave. His latest threats to never play his healer again and to take over your job allow you to exit gracefully from the situation. Don't be confrontational. Try to remove all emotion from the situation. The main points you want to get across are:
- You all play to have fun. He does. You do. If he is not having fun being a healer and thinks it would be fun trying a tank, great. But since that conflicts with your fun, you need to find a new home for your tank.
- You still wish to keep up your friendship with everyone.
If you do decide to stay to remain with your friends, which I completely understand although don't recommend, please don't continue to feed into his behavior. Unfortunately, some of the suggestions in that link are going to exacerbate the drama, but it's better than just letting him ruin your fun. Remember there are plenty of other good guilds with competent healers out there that are not run by abusive jerks. This is not your only choice. You also may want to keep an eye out for the signs that this behavior extends to your coworker's home life. /hug
Drama Mama Lisa: It's possible that this guy is a control freak, true -- but given his early, more laid-back approach to the game, I suspect something different. This guy presents the classic symptoms of WoW obsession. Completely fixated on achievements and progress, he's clearly fallen utterly into the clutches of the progression and rewards treadmill. Things toddled along merrily enough until time for ICC -- and that's when the big guns (and loot, and achievements, and prestige) rolled out. The epic carrot is irresistible to many players, and they lose sight of the things that originally made the game enjoyable both to themselves and their usual groupmates.That's not to say he's really in the wrong. Discovering an interest in hardcore raiding isn't a sin; neither is indulging it. It's all a matter of pursuing these goals at the right time and the right place -- and he no longer apparently seems to be in either. Obviously, he's pushing this interest on the wrong group of players, and it's making at least one guild member (you) fairly miserable.
There are two ways this can go. Someone (you? his wife?) can talk to him and convince him that a hardcore endgame guild might be more his speed. Or you can choose to remove yourself from his personal campaign to conquer Azeroth. A new expansion and new characters provide the perfect opportunity for re-evaluating and making such a move.
If you do decide to stick around, keep in mind that as enjoyable as it can be to play with friends and coworkers, sometimes you have to accept compromises in order to preserve relationships. You've seen how sticky the social ramifications of diverging in-game goals can be. Consider what parts of your game time are most enjoyable and rewarding to you, and you'll know whether or not you should hang tight and continue rolling with your workmate or cut the strings and look for a fresh group to play with.
Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at DramaMamas@wow.com. Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Drama Mamas
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
Pyromelter Dec 17th 2010 5:18PM
Excellent advice from both Robin and Lissa, from different sides of the same coin. On the one hand, this guy's obsessiveness is becoming abusive, and you should never, ever stand for that. On the other hand, the letter writer described someone who I would consider to be a pretty good player, one that would be useful in a high-end progression guild. 9/12 heroic ICC is nothing to sneeze at, but most people had the gear to be able to do that by the "2 months before cataclysm" mark. It seems like that pace was fine for the letter writer, but not fine for the coworker's husband. He probably wouldn't fit in with the slower more casual level of play that the writer described.
Those factors will continue to cause mismatches in desired gameplay. For the letter writer, I would point her to Robin's part of the advice, and I would maybe have her coworker read Lisa's part, if that is feasible.
Tirrimas Dec 17th 2010 5:25PM
Dear Under Pressure:
I can attest that moving to another server is not the death sentence that it appears to be on the surface. There are wonderful players out there, all over the place. Yes, it'll take some time and effort to find them, but we exist! I promise!
If he starts causing problems for you at work, that falls under a whole 'nother set of rules and expectations, and I suspect you know how to best take advantage of those.
rukamich Dec 18th 2010 1:09AM
Same here, and with RealID making it a LOT easier to stay in contact with those old friends in-game (and those you know IRL who play as well), it's a LOT easier to just close up shop and move on.
Additionally, with this expansion, I've even lost all interest in getting to 85 on my existing 80s, because the "new" world is fresh and exciting again. I've been in my current guild for years now, and this is the first time I've had zero interest in hitting level cap and gearing for raids.
A fresh start might be the best thing for Under Pressure. There's nothing keeping him/her from staying in touch with old friends in the process and there are a LOT of nice folks out there. Doing a little research and finding out which servers have what s/he is looking for when it comes to population size/attitude and progression and it's almost guaranteed that a new home can be found and new friends easily made.
Akhi Dec 17th 2010 5:35PM
I think the jump from "obsessive about WoW to the point of being a bit of a jerk" to "keep an eye on him 'cause he might be abusing his wife" is too much. Over and over there have been columns on this website about how even if people are nice and loving IRL they can get too caught up in the game's more negative social traditions, including acting elitist, pushing too hard to get what they want out of the game, etc. This guy quit the game once (probably stressed from too much playing), and his family, whom he plays with, asked him to come back to play with him, and he's considered a manipulator who should be watched for spousal abuse?
Now, don't get me wrong, there are manipulative people out there, and those who threaten to gquit constantly for attention and praise. But quitting once does not make this guy That Guy. Wanting to progress and not knowing how to motivate your guild does not make him That Guy. Not enjoying healing when healers all over the game are switching to other specs does not make him That Guy. And not being fun to group with does not make him a spousal abuser.
Xantenise Dec 17th 2010 6:49PM
It really can't hurt to keep an eye out for it nonetheless. If he has those traits online, it's not impossible he has them IRL as well.
Claire Dec 17th 2010 7:08PM
Frankly, EVERYONE should be "watched for spousal abuse." Intimate Partner Violence (and emotional abuse) are shockingly common. Abusers generally telegraph pretty clearly if you know what to look for, but too often, friends and family members ignore the signs or brush them off. His in-game behavior doesn't convict him of anything, of course, which is why no one's advocating a call to the police. But to people familiar with the dynamics of abusive relationships, it does raise some flags, and there's nothing wrong with keeping the worst-case scenario in mind and an eye peeled for escalation.
SerenityNow Dec 17th 2010 7:15PM
There's a difference between having an elitist attitude (thinking you're better than others) and bragging about how you consciously belittle/abuse other players. There's also a difference between pushing too hard and bullying/manipulating your friends through threats to quit the game.
The drama mamas are not saying "he's an abusive SOB in real life, report him to the cops!"... they're just saying these in-game acts are worrying and *might* translate into RL behavior, and to keep an eye on the coworker just in case. They are correct. And being concerned for the welfare of others, especially those who might be victimized, is never wrong.
I think the mamas advice is spot-on. At the very least people aren't having fun playing the game (the letter writer, her coworker, and probably the coworker's husband). In which case it's time for this little group to move on. He can move on to hard core raiding as a tank, the letter writer can find a new casual group (maybe with the other guildies), and everyone will be happier.
JokerFace Dec 17th 2010 7:22PM
I too thought it was a bit bizarre to see the links about spousal abuse in the column.
One would hope that Under Pressure would have taken notice and concern of those signs if they exist well before they manifested in WoW.
Kylenne Dec 17th 2010 8:10PM
@JokerFace: What Claire said. It might seem bizarre to you, but to people familiar with the dynamics of abuse, it really does send up a red flag. In particular, the tantrum and threats to leave, only to be "talked down" by the family were what pinged my spidey sense, as it were. I had an abusive housemate who acted just like that, and she not only terrorized the housemates, but was physically abusive to her partner. We didn't play WoW together, but she did exhibit a fair chunk of this type of behavior in a LJ roleplay we were all involved in.
That's not to say the jerk in question here is getting physical, or that it isn't just GIFT at work, but I think it's important to remember that "abuse" does not just encompass physical violence, but also emotional and psychological violence. At any rate, it doesn't hurt anything to provide those links just to be on the safe side. These types of behaviors can and do escalate to meatspace, sadly, and having the tools to deal with that possibility is useful.
Phil Dec 17th 2010 5:58PM
My advice, get a can of "Douche be-gone" and spray him with it.
razion Dec 17th 2010 6:47PM
Located at all fine retailers everywhere.
Mike C Dec 17th 2010 6:00PM
If you're a chill person and talk your guildmates to chill to, you'll succeed. It's that easy. You have to take it slow, and learn instead of just watching stuff go about. I'm like that, I stress, a lot! But that doesn't make me a bad player, as I've learned to dread but also thrive on that stress and get better at it.
Everyone has their own styles of leading a guild. An ex-military will definitely mirror his military superior's behavior when he's trying to do a similar job. You just do what you know and what you've seen and what you think is good. Cause after all, if you made it through... how can this guy not? That's when people need to draw the thin line between life and mmo game. You can't just be like the foreman you are in real life, in wow. It's a game and people expect to have fun when playing it, not go back to work. All you need is to control your stress, create harmony between your members, if you always get mad when drunk don't drink, same for drugs... etc... You need to eliminate negativity and create positivity. If that Warlock lost some armor to this priest, well show the good side: Yeah you lost, but this guy can heal better/more now, so less wipes and more tries for your piece!
There's always a good side to something bad in this game. It ain't science, it's just a bunch of scripted possibilities and you never lose anything when you do something. WoW was made that way, and people need to realize this.
Tim Dec 17th 2010 6:18PM
@ Mice C. well said. I like your way of looking at things. Way to put it into perspective. And of course, the Mama's advice is great as always. And yes, saying the guy might be abusing his spouse is a hole nother ball game. I am always bitching about my wife at work but I love her to death. It's just a way to vent so I don't do it around her. Maybe the same way for over the top healer guy. Vents on WoW with his elitist ways yet could love his wife and treat her like the queen she is. Not giving him an excuse to act like a d**k. Just giving an opinion. Perspective.
Rubitard Dec 17th 2010 6:48PM
Ice Ice Baby. That is all.
Robin Torres Dec 17th 2010 6:52PM
/glare
Rubitard Dec 17th 2010 7:08PM
Whew, it's hot in here. Anyone else feel that?
/tugscollar
Kylenne Dec 17th 2010 7:46PM
And Freddie Mercury does another set of backflips in his grave. :(
albinosheltie Dec 17th 2010 6:55PM
While I hesitate to suggest anything that might cause a riff IRL, I would personally handle the situation thusly: the group wants A, he wants B. You are the tank, don't let him edge you out unless you want a new guild. He is choosing to redefine his playstyle, and that's his choice. If he wants to tank and your tank needs are sufficiently covered already, I would suggest he find a new guild in need of a tank, one that was better suited to his more hardcore playstyle, and recruit another healer to fill your ranks.
Richardboone Dec 17th 2010 7:43PM
You missed one major point - The Healer who wants to Tank is the Guild Leader. Who will win that one? You can not make the GL switch guilds.
Richardboone Dec 17th 2010 7:47PM
My bad...I thought I read he was the guild leader also but since he is the one running the raid, He would be the one deciding who will be in what role.