Drama Mamas: Love is all around
by Robin Torres 
Feb 11th 2011 at 4:00PM
I know that Love is in the Air, but I like the song Love is All Around so much better. Of course, my favorite version (or perversion) is Billy Mack's, but 'tis no longer the season. Love is certainly all around us right now, what with hearts and cupids being displayed all over the physical world as well as WoW. Mix it with all of the Lunar Festival lanterns in game, and you've got one gaudy Azeroth.
However, romance isn't just about decorations, fragrances and boxes of chocolates. It's also about couples getting to know each other and exploring relationships beyond friendship.
Hi. About two months ago I met a woman on WoW that I play the game with quite often now, and I'm very interested in her romantically. How should I approach this? I have spoken with her and flirted with her quite a bit, but I dunno if dating her would ruin what we have on WoW, or if it's really a good idea to do this. I've never dated anyone I've met on a video game before. I'm mostly a casual gamer, but I have played WoW for about 6 years now, on and off.
Note: I have talked with her via social networks as well, and I have seen what she looks like. I am currently 26 years old.
If you have any insight, please and thank you, I appreciate your time and effort.
Romeo
Drama Mama Lisa: Romeo, welcome to real life -- because make no mistake about it, a relationship with someone you've met online is nothing if not real life. It's not a game. It's not trivial. It's not any less important or valid or meaningful because you met in WoW. If anything, you have a stronger potential to share common interests with someone you've met through a hobby like WoW than someone you met randomly at some bar downtown. So congratulations on that!Now, what's your bottom line about how to approach this? Well, there's the obvious issue of verifying that she is who she says she is. If you're already chatting with her on social networks, you're well on the way to having this covered.
Most people would suggest taking the plunge and professing your interest to her at this point, but I'd take a slightly different approach. Online romances tend to be sweeping, consuming affairs, and it's hard to sort out whether you like a person in person if you've already convinced yourself you're madly in love. Why not find out where she's from and try to arrange a more casual meetup, before things go any further? Maybe a weekend meetup of guildmates from your region? At the very least, try to find a time to talk privately in Vent (if not by phone) on a friendly basis about things outside the game.
If you don't click, it's much better to know now rather than later, and it'll be easier to preserve an enjoyable friendship if you're not already busily lacing the strings of a romantic relationship.
Drama Mama Robin: I completely agree with Lisa about trying to meet this potential romantic partner in person before you proceed too much farther. Online romances are so intense; it is very easy to get caught up in the purified interactions that don't include the physical realities. How you both communicate online in both group and one-on-one settings doesn't always reflect the same communication in the physical world. It would be best for any popular future together to see if you both like the way each other looks, smells, gesticulates, etc., before you go past the point of no return. Of course, if you are geographically distant from each other, this can be difficult. But if you don't, you may find yourself incompatible -- or worse. So allow me to be a cautionary tale.
I was in a great guild in EQ in which we did a lot of group activities together. We played together for over a year, getting to know each other to the point of becoming good friends. There was this one guy who all the women thought was rather dreamy. He was intelligent, knowledgeable, chivalrous, fun-loving ... /romantic sigh ... He and I became romantically involved online, exchanged photos, chatted on the phone, etc. It was head-over-heels, heart-thumping, glasses-steaming, online romance at its most intense.
We lived across a continent from each other and decided after a few weeks that rather than meeting and going from there, we would just move in together. I know it sounds completely stupid, but we were in love, and people have been successfully dating as penpals for generations, right?
Anyway, neither of us had misrepresented ourselves, but we don't always know ourselves, do we? It soon became clear that we were completely incompatible, and the signs were all ones that we would have discovered if we had actually physically dated. Some very scary drama happened as well, which I also could have avoided with some good, old-fashioned social interaction in the physical world. Yes, this is an extreme case and yes, there are many success stories -- but it doesn't mean something similar or worse couldn't and doesn't happen to others. It won't hurt to protect yourself (and enjoy yourself, for that matter) by really, really getting to know this woman who interests you while you are still thinking rationally.
I do think that you can find genuine (and safe) love in WoW, if appropriate precautions are taken. So move this potential romance to the physical world, and just supplement your "real" dating with your time in Azeroth.
Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at DramaMamas@wowinsider.com. Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Drama Mamas
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
trefpoid Feb 11th 2011 4:08PM
Go for it dude! meet her and see what happens.. I met my girlfriend playing an online game. After flirting and having an online 'romance', we decided to meet and get to know eachother. It worked out great! We have been together for 4 years and two months now. I moved from my city to hers (we lived 100 kilometres apart) and we moved in together. We play WoW together all the time too! I hope it all works out for u too and u are very happy together :D
Rhabella Feb 11th 2011 5:31PM
What are these kilometers you speak of?
Seriously though, grats man!
Rimar Feb 11th 2011 5:34PM
I met a woman named Inessa via a chat program caled ICQ. After 3 months of talking and hitting it off and falling in love, I took the plunge and left my country (America) for her country (Ukraine) and married her. That was in 2005.
We are still married today and have a daughter. So sometimes, love really does happen online.
bldavis59 Feb 11th 2011 6:35PM
im the same way
i met my fiance playing wow
and this spring break we are getting married
gratz on finding someone, but like lisa and robin said, make sure you are compatible before you make the leap
online can be very intense, but you need to make sure it works irl too
good thing is you are already talking to her outside of the game, and you know what to expect
i know the first time i saw tracey irl, it was heaven
that first time we spent a week together, and omfg.... it was magical, and not just because she is a mage (bad joke, sorry couldnt resist)
but i have also had my share of bad relationships.
no i havent fallen in love with anyone else online, but i have gotten into some intense relationships....
in fact i am just now repairing a friendship that was ruined for almost 2 years b/c we tried to take it farther then what it was
basically, congrats but move forward with caution.
make sure you are compatible irl and you will be glad you did
musicchan Feb 12th 2011 4:41PM
I met my husband on IRC back in the early 2000's. We were in a chatroom for a similar interest and while we didn't hit it off right away, the time we spent just chatting normally really set the basis for the future relationship.
When we decided we liked each other more than just friends, we decided to meet up. I lived in Michigan, he lived on the east side of Ontario, Canada. It was something of a drive but meeting in person really cemented our relationship. You never really know if someone is going to attract you until you meet in person and are able to spend some quality time together. My husband and I would visit each other once a month or so and talked on the internet almost every day while we were dating. The hardest thing was parting after a visit; that was the point in which I knew we were right for each other.
It's been 6.5 years since our wedding and we're still going strong. We game together. We read the same books and watch the same movies, but not exactly. There are just enough differences to keep things interesting. It took some effort to make the long distance thing work, but it's totally worth it if you find the right person.
Cody Feb 11th 2011 4:10PM
Relevant: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivahAPdNF2Y
Happy Valentine's Day WoW peoples :>
Fendix Feb 11th 2011 4:13PM
I met my husband in a PuG for Deadmines about a month after Naxx40 dropped. I completely agree with the advice to meet the girl offline in a casual setting. Sometimes, all the online chemistry can translate to absolutely nothing in person. If the chemistry is as awesome offline as it is online, you probably won't need to say anything to her - she'll already be aware.
When I met my husband on our first offline date, I saw him from across the room before he saw me. I knew at that second he was it. : )
DaShiVa01 Feb 11th 2011 4:14PM
Meeting online is a good start. Common interest established. But you can't date online.
You can flirt your heart out, even cyber. Even with web cameras. But this is not dating.
If you feel there is something there, meet, date, see how you click. Just like regular old fashioned dating.
What Lisa said: "it's hard to sort out whether you like a person in person if you've already convinced yourself you're madly in love." is so terribly terribly true. Flirting/pretend dating online can make meeting IRL and really dating quite tainted. You form too many preconceived notions about how "I love their personality" or similar, and thing that should be all that matters when: 1) People usually affect a personality online. It's easy to keep up almost indefinatly, and is usually an unconscious act. We want to be better/cooler/whatever people, and often we can pull that off to a degree online.
Anyhow. If you want to be serious, then you can't know how well you will work together until you date the old fashioned way, and while online friendship/relationship can be a great start and is probably better than anything eharmony or it's ilk can pull together, remember that if you're thinking of a long term IRL living together type relationship as your end goal, you need to be IRL in each others lives for a good while to get a good idea of if that will work out.
exogenesis. Feb 11th 2011 4:17PM
Online relationships are a terribly difficult thing to interpret. Some can go bad, some can go great. I have my own tale, one with both sad, and happy parts.
I was invited into my first guild early 2008. I ended up in a conversation about music, and when I mentioned that I loved Nightwish, a level 70 rogue whispered me, since that was his favourite too. I don't really remember much of the early days, but I do recall that we became very close friends, very rapidly. We spoke for endless hours daily on MSN, swapped photos, and after a couple of months, he professed his love for me. I've had bad experiences, so I was wary. We continued a friendship. It wasn't until January '09 that we actually decided to take the plunge, and try a relationship. (Bear in mind that I live in England, and he is Belgian). It went well, to start with. We hadn't met each other in person, and didn't until April. I stayed with him for 10 days, and it was great. We were loath to part, knowing we wouldn't see each other til July.
Unfortunately, things went wrong. We split up, and while we did try to continue our friendship, we had many different barriers that prevented us from having a good platonic relationship with each other. Two turbulent years passed. A few months ago, we got back into contact after a five month hiatus. Our friendship blossomed.
We have now been in a second relationship for nearly three months - this time, with monthly visits, a two week summer holiday planned, and also plans to move in later in the year. The things that we failed in have been cleared up, and I couldn't be happier.
----
With online relationships, you really don't know how things will turn out. It's all about taking the plunge, and praying things will work. Who knows, even if they initially don't, they might turn back around and bless you.
Hangk Feb 11th 2011 4:20PM
What kind of bothers me here is the implication that he hasn't come up with any ideas about how to approach her based on what he already knows about her as a person. It kind of implies that he actually doesn't know her very well at all, and begs the question of whether he's become infatuated with an actual person or a creation of his own mind.
When you meet someone online, you really know very little of them, and it's easy for your mind to start subconsciously projecting onto them whatever it is you want to see. You just know they're sweet, they're wonderful, they're great, they're perfect... but you can't actually name five *facts* about them, because you don't actually know them at all and are starting to confuse fantasy and reality.
How far away does this person live? If it's not that far away, I'd strongly suggest proceeding very casually with plenty of time and opportunity to actually get to know the person before rushing into anything. If they live far away... it may sound harsh but I'd honestly say his best option is to take a pass here and look for someone more local.
Kylenne Feb 11th 2011 4:56PM
While that's a very valid point, it might not necessarily be the case. Some people are just socially awkward and painfully shy when it comes to approaching people romantically, even people they may have known and hung out with for years in a platonic context. This problem is so ridiculously widespread in geeky subcultures that it's nearly become a cliche, and thus it's extremely common among WoW players.
My girlfriend and I walked on eggshells around each other for months, with massive crushes on each other, because we're both shy nerd girls with a penchant for flailing when it comes to romantic interests. And we were friends for about four years before we finally got together, like support-each-other-through-deaths-in-the-family level friends. Sometimes it can even be harder to take that leap of faith when you've been friends for a long time and know each other like that, if only because the stakes are a little higher (what if it's unrequited? what will it do to our existing friendship?). For people who are socially awkward to begin with, it can be difficult to navigate.
Noyou Feb 11th 2011 6:01PM
Until you meet you are totally infatuated with the perception you have built of this person in your mind. The expectation of who they could be/should be. You could have a totally awesome online/phone interaction but when you meet that could be a different story.
I would say step one- talk on the phone. Really talk, no distractions. After a few of those maybe set up an "online date" where you guys take time away from wow and do something other than WoW, maybe yahoo games or some other interactive site. Step two- meet. Because it isn't real until it's real.
Maribel Feb 11th 2011 6:38PM
I met my husband online. This was pre-WoW, on Livejournal; he started commenting on my posts. We spent months communicating - first through email, later AIM and phone calls. After about a year of that, he proposed coming out to meet me. I *thought* he was interested in me, but I figured the distance took that off the table. Then again, I lived in one of the most boring, unappealing states in the US, so he had to be visiting for me - there was nothing else to make anyone come to my hometown.
It turned out he just wanted to see if we were compatible in person first. We spent a year and a half as a long-distance couple, with visits every month to six weeks and frequent phone calls, then I moved out west to be with him. We've been married a year and a half now, and lived together for three years before that.
I wouldn't assume the letter writer is just crushing on her Blood Elf or what have you. I suspect he's wondering more, "Is it a bad idea to tell her I'm interested in her before we even meet? Will she freak out if I want to fly halfway across the country to meet her?" It's hard to say, because it's a very impersonal letter. Hopefully the range of reactions he's getting will help him decide what to do, anyway. A casual guild meetup is a good idea. He doesn't mention how she's reacting to his flirtation. Odds are that she has some idea he's interested, though.
Kel Feb 11th 2011 4:33PM
I recently had a similar experience in which I was attracted to a friend I met on WoW. He ended up moving to the city where I live. I was extremely nervous, mostly because if it didn't work out, would he blame me for moving out here for me? In the end, it did not work out, but we remained great friends. He's since moved somewhere else, and he's still one of my closest friends in and out of WoW.
So, yeah, I agree with Robin and Lisa - getting to know her is a good next step, but when you do, always keep your friendship in mind. Most of us don't have enough great friends to throw one away if we can help it.
Kylenne Feb 11th 2011 4:37PM
This is some great advice. But as someone who's done the online dating thing before a lot (and met my current partner that way, albeit on a Livejournal snark community of all things, not from WoW), I wanted to expand a little bit more on the potential social downsides. There's still somewhat of a stigma against relationships that start on MMOs, and there's ignorant people, even some who play the game, who will razz you over it. Granted, it's not nearly as bad as it was when I met a boyfriend on a MUD in 1999, now that things like eHarmony have somewhat mainstreamed the idea of meeting a partner online, but it's still there and something you should be prepared to deal with, should everything go well with your sweetie and you decide to date.
I don't know how accurate it is considering it's a stat quoted in a commercial for an online dating site, but something like 1 in 5 relationships nowadays start online. Plenty of people hook up over Facebook, OK Cupid, etc. so why would WoW be any different? Hell, tons of people have gotten married to people they've met on the game, and have had some awesome experiences. Any time you have a situation where people are interacting, there's going to be romance; WoW is no different from any other social space in that regard, and like the Mamas said, you're at least guaranteed to share some interests with a partner you've met on WoW. In my circle of friends and acquaintances are people who've literally picked up and moved to different countries to marry people they've met not just on WoW, but on MUDs, IRC chat rooms, and Usenet (hell, I'm looking at doing the same myself in the future). This has been going on for a really long time in geeky circles, long enough for kids to have been born from such relationships. So if anyone tries to tell you you're "weird" for meeting someone on WoW, you're in very good company.
Keep in mind that you might get a bit of ribbing or well-intentioned busybodying, especially from friends and family who may not be as internet savvy as you and have been inundated with sensationalistic media accounts of Craigslist Killers and Hipster Grifters and whatnot. Even among people who aren't completely clueless, you'll sometimes get the criticisms that it's "not real" just because you met in a virtual tavern instead of a brick 'n' mortar one. Only *you* can know whether or not your feelings are rooted in something deeper than just the heady and intense feelings that can come about online. But those feelings are valid, too! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It's just that what we in the polyamorous community call "New Relationship Energy" will eventually fade, and when it does, your relationship needs to be grounded in something a bit more substantial if you want it to last. This is where the Mamas' advice to meet in person comes into play, especially if you're long distance.
Phil Feb 11th 2011 4:40PM
I am currently in a similar situation, except I have taken that next step and so far so good. She is going to come down where I live in about a month to visit and we will see where it goes from there. While of course I do hope and dream that it will be fantastic, I am also grounded in reality enough to realize that may not happen and if it doesn't hopefully I won't be to terribly crushed.
Oldbear Feb 11th 2011 4:50PM
Meet her in person. Get to know her in person. Online is completely different then in person. I have ugly toes that you can't see on a webcam... You may really click, or the pile of socks she leaves on the coffee table might drive you insane. (That said, I still married her and its been a great 6 years. She leaves out socks and I don't change to toilet paper rolls.)
Maribel Feb 11th 2011 6:46PM
Heh. My husband begs me to change the toilet paper rolls (I'm likelier to leave the fresh roll on the floor.) I beg him not to kick all the sheets down to the foot of the bed.
Meeting in person is vital. Not so much because of the annoying habits - most of those emerge later - but because most of the things that will later make you put up with the annoying habits are best perceived in person.
Rainkeltoia Feb 11th 2011 5:08PM
All good advice! My husband and I met in WoW - we met in person after knowing one another for a few months and talking ingame, via MSN and webcam, and clicked. We plan vacations together as we live some 9 hours apart geographically, but its been wonderful all around. We click, there's no wife aggro, and we have great compatibility IN PERSON. But its important to make sure you guys meet at least a few times before getting too serious, to avoid pain on both your parts, and to avoid ruining a great friendship by jumping into the deep end. Screw the stigma of meeting someone in an MMO, if people kept to stigmas then so and so who married marysue from the bar wouldn't be possible. However make sure you follow safe healthy steps and communicate clearly, spend time offline with one another and really get to know the goods and bads.
Galestrom Feb 11th 2011 5:11PM
The idea of getting back out there terrifies me, but it's good to hear that people are meeting each other in such ways -- and that it can work out. Gives us romantics hope that we're not completely wasting our time doing what we love. ;)
Anyways, Kudo's to 'Romeo' and his partner in potentia. Here's hoping happiness is just around the bend for both of you; whatever the outcome. =)