Drama Mamas: When guild officers break up
by Robin Torres 
Feb 18th 2011 at 9:00AM
If you have sent a letter recently to dramamamas@wowinsider.com, we didn't get it. Please resend to robin@wowinsider.com, and use that email until we get the official Drama Mamas email sorted out. We're sorry for the inconvenience.
Meanwhile, love is still in the air -- in Azeroth, anyway, and today we have another love-themed letter. Last week we talked about getting together, and this week we talk about breaking up.
Dear Dramamamas.
I am writing you, as I am in deep disarray. I recently broke up with my girlfriend, after a 2year long relationship. I know that is not much for many people, but for me it is. The relationship were kind of doomed from the start, as I was an army officer with hunger for adventure, and her a beauty with hunger for a settled life. When we met, we quickly found a common ground; World of Warcraft. We started playing together, and after a few failed attempts trying to find the perfect guild, we finally found this pristine little gem.
Not long after we joined, Arthas bit the ice, and heroic bosses fell one by one. The guild leader wanted us both as officers of the guild; By my leading abilities, and her soothing touch. There is not the conflict she cant calm. We are both very renowned members of the guild; me very active and always available, her always there to help and socialise. It was not an ugly breakup at all, we have simply grown to become more friends than lovers.
Here is the catch however. She is very jealouse, and I know she wont be able to tollerate anything, being emotes, unlucky comments, or anything. I get the drift, as I wouldnt appriciate someone flirting with her, even though we broke up, but throughout our relationship, I have always been a little chilled about that subject. The first thing she did was blocking me on facebook, as she did not want to see the comments people wrote on my page. I fear this will end badly with both of us in the guild, and fact is; she is a very good friend, and I will always hold a place for her in my heart. I have thought about leaving the guild, swapping server, etc. Thing is; I really love my guild, and even though they could do without me, many of the people in the guild, are there because of me. I dont want to leave, and I dont want to swap servers. I want to make it work, but love is not my thing.
So what can I do to make things easier for her, and myself? - To avoid conflicts, and unfortunate situations. We have many women in the guild, and she marked towards me many times, that she did not appriciate me spending time with them nor helping them.
Ex-boyfriend.
Drama Mama Robin: Ex, I think I may see part of your problem in this quote: "It was not an ugly breakup at all, we have simply grown to become more friends than lovers." My question is, was it a breakup at all, regardless of ugliness? Did you actually have The Conversation where the breakup occurred? If not, she may think the two of you are going through a rather rough, cruel patch filled with a cool distance from you and a whole lot of flirting with other women. Even if you talked about breaking up but just called it something like "taking a break" or implied that the two of you might get back together, then you didn't actually have a final breakup. If she thinks that the two of you are just exploring time apart, she is of course going to be jealous.
Making a breakup seem more like a trial separation when you have no intention of getting back together is not a kindness. It doesn't avoid drama; it makes drama fester and get prolonged, messy and smelly. If you think there was any ambiguity in the end of your relationship, have the talk with her as soon as possible and put an end to her expectations. Yes, there will be pain. But it's a pain that will end with time, and she should behave a bit better toward you and your relationships with other women.
If she did understand that you are actually broken up (or if she didn't but does now after your talk) and is still causing issues, I recommend asking her advice as to how to proceed. If there really is "not the conflict she can't calm," then ask her how to calm this conflict. Hopefully, she will be able to take another look at your situation and suggest some ways to proceed that don't cramp your style. More importantly, if she presents you with the solution and you abide by it, she will have bought into behaving better on her end. I use this technique all the time with The Spawn. Her buy-in previous to a potential drama-inducing situation prevents the drama nine times out of 10.
If your ex's solution is "stop hanging out with other women," however, that's not going to work. Perhaps Lisa has a suggestion if the unreasonable jealousies continue.
Drama Mama Lisa: Hey, Ex. You sound like a considerate guy who's found himself right in the middle of an awkward situation. While I appreciate your attempts to head off drama at the pass, and while I also appreciate Robin's concerns about what might happen down the road, I believe it's time for you to mind your own business. Here's why:Your ex has already blocked you on Facebook. This should tell you several things:
- This relationship is over -- and furthermore, what's left is not as "friendly" as you think it is. Friends don't block friends. Your ex is showing you the door.
- Your ex is actively avoiding drama. She doesn't want to see or know more. She's specifically set things up so that she can't watch your every move and obsess over what you may be doing and who you're doing it with. (She may end up putting you on ignore in game, too; that would be awkward for raiding and officer communication, but it's something that shouldn't surprise you if it happens. It's time to consult your fellow officers if this becomes an issue.)
- She doesn't want to talk about it. She's made it clear in the past that she is the jealous type, and she's making it clear now by blocking you that she'd rather not hear more or discuss things further.
Your thoughtfulness and understanding may be pressed into service soon enough. She may slip up during the weeks ahead and make some hasty remarks when she sees you interacting with other women. That's the perfect point at which to bring your consideration of her feelings to bear -- turning the other cheek and giving her the chance to vent a little without making a mountain out of a molehill.
So what if I'm wrong? What if she just wants to seem as if she's handling it all well, but she's secretly talking to everyone she can about what you're doing and who you're interested in? What if she can't let go? The right response remains the same: Take her actions at face value and carry on. If her block was sincere, you should respect it; if her block was meant to manipulate you into asking her to be friends (or more) again, you shouldn't fall for it. You may never know which way she meant it -- but at this point, she's doing all the right things. Respect that, and move on.
Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at robin@wowinsider.com. Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Drama Mamas
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
Rick Feb 18th 2011 9:23AM
Excellent advice, as usual. I look forward to this feature because even if the exact situation doesn't apply to me, I can usually draw a bit of advice for any situations I may find myself in.
UsmCore Feb 18th 2011 9:27AM
as an ex army vet, u know how to get rid of ppl permanently.
problem solved.
Rylka Feb 18th 2011 10:19AM
Not. Appropriate. At. All.
Noah Feb 18th 2011 11:00AM
Dude. That's not cool.
ambermist Feb 18th 2011 11:51AM
Funny, I thought they taught honor in the Core.
Tirrimas Feb 18th 2011 12:22PM
It's Corps. US Army Corps. The Marine Corps.
signed
~Former Military Brat
Emophia Feb 18th 2011 12:44PM
loooooooooooooooool
lighten up it was a funny joke, he's not actually advocating murder lmao
Antigone Feb 18th 2011 1:21PM
The Army is not a corps. The Army is made up of corps, in the same way that the Army is made up of brigades, battalions, and so on.
That word looks very odd after you've written it more than once.
duallabear Feb 18th 2011 5:54PM
I think ambermist meant the StoneCore
Duckaholica Feb 18th 2011 9:35AM
My boyfriend and I were officers in the guild. We tried to make it work after we broke up but he was jealous. He would log on to a rogue alt and follow me around while stealthed to see what I was up to. I was the one who broke us up - he didn't want it to be over.
He eventually went his own way, joined the guild we raided with - so I stopped raiding with them and found another one to raid with.
Now, he plays Alliance, and we're able to be civil. We've both moved on. But I think if we had stayed in close contact, it would have festered like an infected wound. Now, it's better. It's healed over.
Antigone Feb 18th 2011 1:23PM
He literally stalked you in game? That is seriously creepy.
mibu.work1 Feb 18th 2011 9:36AM
A tragic situation I hope to never enter. My thoughts go with you Ex.
Personally, I think that clarifying the position of the relationship is the best thing you can do. Nothing can sabotage a good relationship, or indeed a clean breakup, like poor communication.
Aradiah Feb 18th 2011 9:49AM
I have to agree with Lisa on this one. Unless there's something big that this guy is leaving out, it sounds like the breakup itself is over and done with. Trying to have another serious break-up talk without a really obvious reason to think your original message didn't sink in would probably just hurt things worse.
As long as as you're reasonable about your in-guild interactions (as in, not trying to provoke a response via public flirting) and respectful, you can have the confidence that you're doing the right thing. Breakups are painful and you can't expect to shield her from that. If it's truly too much for her, she has the right to gquit too.
Spellotape Feb 18th 2011 9:50AM
Time really can (and frequently does) heal all things. I would suspect Lisa's suggestion that she might just be "seeming" to handle it well is actually the case (blocking you on Facebook? Huge sign), and there really isn't any solution to it than to let things play out as they will.
It sounds like the OP is sensitive to the potential problems, and even if she does get jealous of any attention he pays to female guildies (which I would completely avoid if possible) ultimately she will move on and so will he ... things just might be a little unsteady for a while.
Firestyle Feb 18th 2011 9:54AM
I think the quoted poster is an idiot and he's going to regret it later. He has a great woman, who presumably is also attractive - and she wants to settle down and basically I'm reading that he's not into it and just wants to be friends and she's not really down with that.
In all honesty, he needs to take her back before he regrets it later. Good women, that you can be great friends and lovers with don't come along every day. What has caught his eye in the here and now, probably isn't going to last.
PocketFox Feb 18th 2011 10:07AM
Or maybe nothing has "caught his eye" and things are just like he said: they grew apart. Stuff like that happens. Several years ago, I was in a relationship with a great guy for a year: affectionate, devoted, and caring, but we broke up because, just like Ex and his girlfriend, we grew apart. Nothing caught my eye or his; our relationship just hit its natural end. And guess what? It's years later, and I don't regret a thing, either being with him or breaking up with him.
Calling Ex "an idiot" and saying he just needs to get back together with this woman because she's attractive and wants to settle down and etc, is tantamount to saying "take what you can get, honey!" or "you should marry him/her, they have great income potential!". And implying that he only broke up with her because something new "caught his eye" is downright demeaning.
Firestyle Feb 18th 2011 10:18AM
What I read between the lines of the post predominately come from this line, "I was an army officer with hunger for adventure, and her a beauty with hunger for a settled life."
Since there is no details about "grew apart" and they both play wow, and raid, in the same guild - and they have been together for 2 years.....the quoted line says to me, "grown apart" means she wants more commitment, and he's not ready.
And when he is ready, he's going to regret this decision.
LynMars Feb 18th 2011 11:46AM
It doesn't have to be about one person wanting a commitment and the other doesn't (particularly since the writer seems fairly poetic overall). Maybe he (assuming this) thought he wanted to settle down; lots of military folks like the idea of stability that a relationship brings. Maybe she doesn't want to leave the hometown while he's going to move to wherever duty calls--it's not exactly a "settled" lifestyle.
But, if they have other interests outside the game--not necessarily another person, either--than a game they play together isn't going to keep a romantic relationship together. It made a great starting point, it sounds, but it can't be the end point, either.
Maybe he'll regret it later; that's always a risk, though. Saying he should take her back when they've realized they're better friends and they aren't compatible, though, isn't always a good plan. Especially if he's still in service and may be deployed, or move duty stations, and if she doesn't want to uproot her life to follow.
After any break-up, even amicable ones, there's going to be some hurt and emotion. That's what I'm reading here. They realize the logistics of the break up, but feelings aren't logical, or easily shut off.
ambermist Feb 18th 2011 11:56AM
When you're in the military for any length of time, you get itchy when you sit still. My dad was in the Air Force, and since we moved every few years, it became habit. To this day, every three years or so I get a wild hair to go out and do SOMETHING, anything, to shake things up a little.
Maybe he wanted to continue his military career, put in for an assignment overseas or something. Maybe the thought of moving didn't sit well with her. It's very easy in the first stages of love to gloss over these concerns. "Oh, everything is perfect right now, why complicate it?" Eventually, though; they surface.
You should get better glasses before you start reading between lines.
Anonymous Feb 18th 2011 1:24PM
Someone sounds bitter about a previous breakup.