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Meanwhile, love is still in the air -- in Azeroth, anyway, and today we have another love-themed letter. Last week we talked about getting together, and this week we talk about breaking up.
I am writing you, as I am in deep disarray. I recently broke up with my girlfriend, after a 2year long relationship. I know that is not much for many people, but for me it is. The relationship were kind of doomed from the start, as I was an army officer with hunger for adventure, and her a beauty with hunger for a settled life. When we met, we quickly found a common ground; World of Warcraft. We started playing together, and after a few failed attempts trying to find the perfect guild, we finally found this pristine little gem.
Not long after we joined, Arthas bit the ice, and heroic bosses fell one by one. The guild leader wanted us both as officers of the guild; By my leading abilities, and her soothing touch. There is not the conflict she cant calm. We are both very renowned members of the guild; me very active and always available, her always there to help and socialise. It was not an ugly breakup at all, we have simply grown to become more friends than lovers.
Here is the catch however. She is very jealouse, and I know she wont be able to tollerate anything, being emotes, unlucky comments, or anything. I get the drift, as I wouldnt appriciate someone flirting with her, even though we broke up, but throughout our relationship, I have always been a little chilled about that subject. The first thing she did was blocking me on facebook, as she did not want to see the comments people wrote on my page. I fear this will end badly with both of us in the guild, and fact is; she is a very good friend, and I will always hold a place for her in my heart. I have thought about leaving the guild, swapping server, etc. Thing is; I really love my guild, and even though they could do without me, many of the people in the guild, are there because of me. I dont want to leave, and I dont want to swap servers. I want to make it work, but love is not my thing.
So what can I do to make things easier for her, and myself? - To avoid conflicts, and unfortunate situations. We have many women in the guild, and she marked towards me many times, that she did not appriciate me spending time with them nor helping them.
Drama Mama Robin: Ex, I think I may see part of your problem in this quote: "It was not an ugly breakup at all, we have simply grown to become more friends than lovers." My question is, was it a breakup at all, regardless of ugliness? Did you actually have The Conversation where the breakup occurred?
If not, she may think the two of you are going through a rather rough, cruel patch filled with a cool distance from you and a whole lot of flirting with other women. Even if you talked about breaking up but just called it something like "taking a break" or implied that the two of you might get back together, then you didn't actually have a final breakup. If she thinks that the two of you are just exploring time apart, she is of course going to be jealous.
Making a breakup seem more like a trial separation when you have no intention of getting back together is not a kindness. It doesn't avoid drama; it makes drama fester and get prolonged, messy and smelly. If you think there was any ambiguity in the end of your relationship, have the talk with her as soon as possible and put an end to her expectations. Yes, there will be pain. But it's a pain that will end with time, and she should behave a bit better toward you and your relationships with other women.
If she did understand that you are actually broken up (or if she didn't but does now after your talk) and is still causing issues, I recommend asking her advice as to how to proceed. If there really is "not the conflict she can't calm," then ask her how to calm this conflict. Hopefully, she will be able to take another look at your situation and suggest some ways to proceed that don't cramp your style. More importantly, if she presents you with the solution and you abide by it, she will have bought into behaving better on her end. I use this technique all the time with The Spawn. Her buy-in previous to a potential drama-inducing situation prevents the drama nine times out of 10.
If your ex's solution is "stop hanging out with other women," however, that's not going to work. Perhaps Lisa has a suggestion if the unreasonable jealousies continue.
Drama Mama Lisa: Hey, Ex. You sound like a considerate guy who's found himself right in the middle of an awkward situation. While I appreciate your attempts to head off drama at the pass, and while I also appreciate Robin's concerns about what might happen down the road, I believe it's time for you to mind your own business. Here's why:
Your ex has already blocked you on Facebook. This should tell you several things:
- This relationship is over -- and furthermore, what's left is not as "friendly" as you think it is. Friends don't block friends. Your ex is showing you the door.
- Your ex is actively avoiding drama. She doesn't want to see or know more. She's specifically set things up so that she can't watch your every move and obsess over what you may be doing and who you're doing it with. (She may end up putting you on ignore in game, too; that would be awkward for raiding and officer communication, but it's something that shouldn't surprise you if it happens. It's time to consult your fellow officers if this becomes an issue.)
- She doesn't want to talk about it. She's made it clear in the past that she is the jealous type, and she's making it clear now by blocking you that she'd rather not hear more or discuss things further.
Your thoughtfulness and understanding may be pressed into service soon enough. She may slip up during the weeks ahead and make some hasty remarks when she sees you interacting with other women. That's the perfect point at which to bring your consideration of her feelings to bear -- turning the other cheek and giving her the chance to vent a little without making a mountain out of a molehill.
So what if I'm wrong? What if she just wants to seem as if she's handling it all well, but she's secretly talking to everyone she can about what you're doing and who you're interested in? What if she can't let go? The right response remains the same: Take her actions at face value and carry on. If her block was sincere, you should respect it; if her block was meant to manipulate you into asking her to be friends (or more) again, you shouldn't fall for it. You may never know which way she meant it -- but at this point, she's doing all the right things. Respect that, and move on.
Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at firstname.lastname@example.org.