Drama Mamas: Liar, liar
by Robin Torres 
Apr 1st 2011 at 9:00AM
World of Warcraft has been out so long now that many kids have grown up playing it. Their behavior, world views, opinions, and so forth have changed drastically as they grew from ages 13 to 19. This should not be surprising, as we all were vastly different after six years in childhood. I think it's hard to remember this when you're an adult, when six years normally means some change but not necessarily extreme change in everything about ourselves. Decisions we made at 15, both in game and out, are going to be different from decisions we make after graduating from high school and everything that goes along with that event. This is something I tried to keep in mind when answering this week's letter.
Dear Drama Mamas,
First of all, I was new to the internet gaming scene and didn't know quite what to expect. As a teenager my friends introduced me to WoW and shortly afterward, abandoned me for other games. I was not so quick to give up on the game however. When I first started playing WoW, for whatever reason, I decided to lie about my identity, partly I guess because I was alone and wanted to protect myself in this new environment (lame excuse maybe).
It all came back to bite me when I joined a guild. See when I did so, there were people around me to help me, who I could socialize with, and get pretty close with. Like the new kid at a school I made friends fast and we were able to talk about all sorts of things. They defended me when I was insulted and they confided in me about personal matters.
Throughout this transition period however, I added lie after lie to my already false identity (a bad idea I now know). Not all of my fictitious biography was made up, some were true, some were true with falseness added to it, like I would use my first name, but make up the last and so on. Honestly it was quite an addicting endeavor. Who wouldn't want to create an alternate life of themselves where all our imperfections seemingly disappeared?
Anyway, I enjoyed talking to my WoW friends that I would even chat with them outside of the game. As I grew older (still a teen, but a wiser one at that) I didn't want to keep this charade up any longer as I learned to appreciate who I am. You can see as I mention I grew older I kept this up for quite some time. I love and appreciate the friends I have in real life, but I would also treasure the ones I met online. In short, how do I "come out of the closet" in a sense, to my WoW buddies?
From,
One hell of a liar
Drama Mama Lisa: We've written about this issue before, One Hell of a Liar, in the case of a young man whose identity as a female tauren took on a life of its own -- and then to complicate matters, he let the ball keep rolling. What we advised him to do holds true for you, as well: It's time to spill the beans, one bean at a time.Tell one friend. If your WoW friends are all mutual friends, this may skitter out of hand quickly, but start quietly with one person if you can. The key is not to make a big drama out of it. You don't have to approach this like a confessional, blurting out a laundry list of inaccuracies. Open the door just a little: "You know, I actually don't live in California like I've said before. When I started playing WoW, I was pretty young and I didn't feel safe sharing so many personal details." See how your friend reacts. Hopefully, the conversation will give you the window to share your opinion that perhaps the whole "public identity" thing got a little out of hand, and you're glad that you have friends you feel comfortable enough with today to get real with.
If your friend seems offended, angry, or uncomfortable, be free with your apologies. Explain that your intent was not to deceive but rather to protect yourself. Make it clear that you value his friendship and appreciate the opportunity to be honest.
Remember, it's not necessary to refute each and every claim you've ever made about yourself or submit a point-by-point confessional. Once you've gotten the point across that you've mixed up quite a few personal details in your misguided effort to present a "safe" public persona to the world, the conversation's done. If your friend is willing to let bygones be bygones, then so should you. When something comes up that contradicts something you've said in the past, don't point out the discrepancy; just carry on the conversation in a truthful, factual, matter-of-fact way. The idea is to show your friends that you're still the guy they enjoy hanging out with, not to slap them in the face with your past untruths at every opportunity.
Move on to the next friend, and the next, and before you know it, your "big secret" will be completely aired out in a calm, organic, non-dramatic fashion.
One final caveat to all this: Preserve a safe distance with friends who you know strictly from gaming online -- remember, people you haven't met in person may have been doing a little truth-bending of their own. Practice safe information sharing (or rather, safe information protecting), especially if you're still a minor.
Please write us back and let us know how things go. Here's hoping you'll soon be known not as One Hell of a Liar but as One Hell of a Friend!
Drama Mama Robin: One Hell of a Liar, I think it really depends on what your lies have been. If you've just been pretending to be older and in college, for example, no one is going to be hurt by your revelations. Lisa's advice will serve you well, and people will completely understand wanting to hide your age to avoid the normal stigma that teens can be subject to. But if you've been doing something like pretending to be married with kids, complete with stories that have made people laugh and/or sympathize -- well, you might find that your big reveal will cause big drama. And if you've been deceiving people for personal gain, things are going to be even worse.I think you should definitely pick your closest WoW friend and reveal the most pertinent parts of your identity -- making sure not to get defensive if the reaction is strong. Your friend will help you gauge the reactions of everyone else as well as give you advice as to how to present your story.
I don't think revealing it friend by friend is necessarily the best idea, however. Making the guild leader your second confidant might work better. This would allow him or her to make a decision about your continued membership and then post the decision in the guild's forums along with your story. I think you will find that the backup of guild leadership will help you greatly in dealing with coming out as your real self.
If, however, the guild leader no longer wishes you to remain in the guild because of your lies, please take that decision gracefully and move on. Your kick won't be set in stone, and a mature, apologetic response will pave the way for your return once people get over the initial shock of your big reveal.
Your guild sounds like good people, and your desire to be straight with them shows the same about you. I hope things work out and you can remain with your online friends while still being the real you.
Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at robin@wowinsider.com.
Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Drama Mamas
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
razion Apr 1st 2011 9:11AM
Well, I'm certainly not a fan of the lying. I know that if I don't feel like giving out my personal info online to someone I don't really know very well, I just tell them. "Hey, look, nothing personal, I just don't know ya." Nine times out of ten the person won't raise a minor stink over it, and that's usually a good indicator that later down the road that person will be deserving of that level of trust.
Protecting yourself was a good idea, but in hindsight, lying to do so probably wasn't the best way to go about it. All the same, I do wish this guy luck and do hope everything turns out okay--his heart is in the right place, after all.
Eralyn Apr 1st 2011 9:20AM
If they don't understand why you did it that's a bit pitiful especially since you were much younger then. Though I have to agree if you used the lie to get perks there will more than likely be some distaste to the other people who thought they were helping in a hard time or something of the like.
WanderingNomad Apr 1st 2011 9:28AM
No comment......other than "great video choice....love Debby ;)
galladrial Apr 1st 2011 9:36AM
I can completely understand the motivation behind hiding your identity. On my first WoW server, I ended up getting cyber-stalked. I didn't divulge a bunch of my personal information all at once to a bunch of folks, but little by little bits of info would come out. Things like: my age, my city of residence, how many cats I had, etc. A guildmate googled all the information that he knew about me one day, and actually found some of my old internet profiles. He ended up bringing things up in guild chat (along with telling people behind my back that we had a "connection" and insinuated that something was going on between us) and it got really uncomfortable and strange. I ended up stopping WoW for a little while (weird internet-stalking playing a part in that decision), and I eventually changed mains and changed servers.
It's very possible that something like that could have happened to someone else in Liar's guild, so I think that if you take that advice above, people will be understanding. I know I sure am.
Eldoron Apr 1st 2011 9:42AM
Hm for some unknown reason I expected Lisa to tell him "What you lied? Then what did you expect? You're that guy!!one!!ONE
Kunikenwad! Apr 1st 2011 9:57AM
Hey now, enough of that. Lisa's served us well with good advice 99% of the time. She's allowed to make a mistake every now and then.
Drack Apr 1st 2011 10:05AM
Good god, Eldoron, leave it be. She had enough lecturing from us that day, she hardly needs anymore, especially one that's as rude and unconstructive as yours.
P.S. You are hardly in any position to mock other people for having rude responses to other people, now are you?
Eldoron Apr 1st 2011 10:31AM
True, but I don't have a column for giving advices ;)
mibu.work1 Apr 1st 2011 9:43AM
To be honest (heh), I would say just talk to people one or two at a time. If you know your guild-leader fairly well, that's probably a good place to start. Guild leaders and officers have to deal daily with social situations in their guild, and they will appreciate you telling them first, so when it gets out they aren't blindsided and have to deal with any fallout drama on the fly without understanding the situation.
liar, you and I are likely the same age, or about there. I started playing WoW when I was fourteen, back in 2004, so I could keep up with a middle-school friend who was going to a catholic high school while I went to public. It worked out well, and we're still friends, but being friends with him in-game and out meant that I couldn't construct an online identity without him knowing about it, and letting something slip. It kept me honest. Still, I perfectly understand what you're going through. I would let little stories slip that I'd made up, perhaps misdirect people into thinking I was from one southern state as opposed to my real one. I was a kid, and at age fourteen, you're starting to hear about internet pedophiles and such, and back then it was a different internet. Myspace was king instead of facebook, itunes was just getting off the ground, 4Chan was in its trollish infancy, and rick-rolling was the hottest new thing. The internet was honestly less safe then than it is now, and you were justified to lie back in the day. Today, less so.
So come out, tell people who you really are, or as much as you are willing, just tell them what was a lie and what was the truth, a little bit at a time. Tell them your real college major (or intended, if you're in highschool still), tell them your real crush/significan't other's social problems if that's the kind of thing you do, tell them what state you really live in, or what your family does for a living. Hell, if you want to, tell them your real name (a boarder I don't cross). Just do it slowly, and don't make a big deal about it, if they do, they're probably not worth your time.
MattKrotzer Apr 1st 2011 9:44AM
When I first started playing WoW, I had a guildmate who I got along with really well. We RPed together a lot, and she occasionally told me about her marriage, kids, etc.
A few years later, this friend confided in me that he was actually a guy, that his kids and husband were lies, and that he was using WoW as a way to cheat on his wife with a girl he knew (who eventually went back to her boyfriend.) He was in an unhappy marriage, and that acting like he was the female player was a way for him to escape. He had a RL friend in-game who always had corroborated his "female" identity, so he'd gone through a lot of work to make this lie work.
After he told me this, he hoped we'd still be friends. I did he "nice" thing and said sure, but I haven't really spoken much to him since. After all, the person I was friends with doesn't exist. It's like a stranger who just knows a lot about me... it's just creepy.
razion Apr 1st 2011 10:03AM
I find that details are just that--details. As long as the person hasn't been ENTIRELY untruthful with you, then you have something to work with.
All those quirks and habits, little drips of personality you see day-to-day while playing the game should still be there: little things like if the person is timid or outgoing, if the person is a joker or more serious, if he collects thousands of pets/mounts, tends to talk too much or too little, if he prefers certain dungeons over others, whether he likes hard encounters compared to easier ones... little things like that.
Maybe I'm being a bit too optimistic here, but even then if the person has been hiding their real personality this whole time, maybe that new person could turn out to be a really good pal--who knows? Give it a shot, see what happens. :D
MattKrotzer Apr 1st 2011 10:07AM
I don't even think he plays anymore. If he does, it's certainly not on my server. He lost interest after his mistress stopped playing to go back to her (supposedly abusive) boyfriend.
razion Apr 1st 2011 10:23AM
:c Hearing that makes me a sad little lighthouse beacon.
Noyou Apr 1st 2011 2:03PM
Wow Matt. Sorry to hear that. You play this game long enough and you will run into every situation and then some. We had a guildy who was playing a female toon. He didn't lie about his gender but did reveal to me he played a female toon to make friends when he first came to our server. Most people in my guild don't know my first name let alone my last name. I think some things you should keep safe, esepcially on the internet. I don't condone lying but I can see why someone young or old would use a false name/city. Gender not so much but hey, it's what you feel comfortable with. I am not sure the OP falls under that category. Sure the intent might have been to protect himself. Given the nature of his story though, lies spiraling, it becoming addicting, that tells me he/she lost sight of reality. It really depends on what else they lied about. Trust is something I hold sacred even on the internet, even with people I haven't met face to face. Like I said lying about your name/age/race/gender isn't that big of a deal- especially to protect yourself. Perpetuating it though and adding on, not sure how I would warm up to that. It would probably take some time to reestablish trust with them.
Mortenebra Apr 1st 2011 3:30PM
I'm really sorry to hear your story unfold in such a way, MattK. Kinda reminds me of a situation I had very early in my WoW career, when I was till clawing my way through college and not married.
I'd met a rather nice person through a random PUG dungeon run while levelling my hunter. This was back when it was only server-wide and finally getting five people together meant dropping whatever you were doing and hoofing it to the summoning stone before people got bored. A friend is a friend, right? I never hid my real-life sex and gender or the general things I did (nothing all that exciting about two jobs and a full load of college courses, really) so I thought it mostly harmless to chat about, say, a bad day at work. What we chatted about was just inconsequential stuff about work or shooting the breeze on politics, etc. He'd tell me about his dog and swearing off "singles nights" at local clubs. Nothing of real weight, so I thought.
I was also pretty confident in my ability to discourage online suitors with the thought of, "It's never going to happen anyway."
In any case, when this person started flirting and hinting at interest, I played it off as just mere banter. Then it got to the point of, "I have a relative who lives in California and I was thinking of visiting them. Maybe I can visit you too...", where I started putting on the brakes. We both laughed it off as him being very silly. That was no big deal until... My guild was looking for recruits so I casually suggested he join. He did and let it slip in /g that he had *wife aggro* and couldn't go on some dungeon runs because of his daughter. That's when an officer notified me of what was said because I'd told him the "This is how I know this person" story, an informal prerequisite to inviting new guildies.
Wife *and* daughter? My young(er) and hot(ter)-headed self confronted him on the issue (privately, of course) and out came this story of him being embroiled in an unhappy marriage, etc etc etc, how meeting me made his escape in the game so much better (like I'm supposed to be flattered by that?!), blah blah blah. My final line was that I didn't care whether he stayed in the guild, but I didn't associate with liars-- and a burgeoning cheater, at that. I was also very "I have higher education and live on my own, so I totally know what life is like" back then, so I gave him a fair bit of my mind, which I'm not proud of, but I felt it as a part of the whole "telling him off" speech.
In any case... I don't know where that person is now, or what he's doing nowadays. While details are details, like Razion said, there are just some things that shouldn't be lied about. Is it a double-standard to be okay with, for example, saying you're married when you're actually not; but not be okay with saying you're single when you're actually married? In my opinion, no. I can understand (especially now) why someone would say they're married to stave off stalkers and the like. I can even be okay with someone saying they have to take care of their spouse and/or kids, then find out they're actually referring to their cats or homework or experimental lab mouse. But saying you're single when married is just wrong, even in a fantasy world. Wrong wrong wrong.
Rubitard Apr 2nd 2011 11:42AM
I can recall starting out in vanilla WoW, having a friend in my first guild who was amazing. We talked on vent everyday, and she even gave me great advice about a problem I'd had with my gf. She was kind, helpful, well-read and flirty in a way that didn't go too far. We expressed to each other that we considered ourselves good friends, and she became someone that I looked forward to spending time with online. One day, she logged in not saying much. She blew up at me in vent for "prying" when I asked if everything was alright. The next thing I knew she was gone completely, logging on only a few more times very briefly before disappearing for good. We didn't speak. I found out some months later from a by-then-former guild officer that she was a high school student that was playing on her mom's old account. Apparently, she was leaving the country and wouldn't be able to play WoW where she was going, or at least play it in any stable manner. What struck me wasn't her special little way of saying goodbye -- which made a little more sense once I knew how young she was in RL -- but that she'd never told me about her real life. She basically pretended to be her mom, with a husband and kids; someone who was closer to my age. But, I began doubting the story I was hearing from the old guildie. Maybe she'd lied to him, too! Maybe the mom and daughter took turns playing one fictitious persona. Yes, I got conspiratorial. Unless she hired a voice actress to play her on vent, she at least never lied about her gender, but that's the least of it. I felt stupid more than hurt by all of it. I'd been conned! I took love advice from a high school kid! Sure, it ended up being good advice, but still! It makes a fella feel pretty damn dumb. My point in telling you all this, knowing my experience is a different road, is that the destination is the same: We want to trust. Being primarily social beasts, it's just how most of us are wired.
nieboh Apr 1st 2011 9:57AM
Um, it's the internet. No one believes anything about anyone.
When you finally "come out of the closet" and admit you're not a millionaire playboy and part time spy for the CIA, they're not going to be shocked and no longer like you. They're going to say "well, duh".
vjsecretsanta Apr 1st 2011 11:44AM
I don't think he told you enough to predict how people will react. I think a lot depends on the enormity of the lie(s).
If you told them you are from Alabama, when you are from Tennessee - well, that's no biggie really. On the other hand, if you told them you are female when you are male, or that you are engaged, when you are single etc etc - you might be surprised at how big the reaction will be.
Everyone here seems to be quite understanding, but we haven't been lied to by you.
Case in point. In the very first guild I joined - along with my Husband and a few friends, we had a guild leader who one person had known, through the game, for quite a while. Good guild, nice people, no problem. Until he confessed (or someone found out, can't remember) that he was not only himself, he was also his "daughter" in-game. You have never seen such a mass exodus from the guild - it dissolved within about 5 minutes. This person had been playing his "daughter" and teaming up with another guild member's daughter for levelling. Nothing untoward happened - the child was monitored - but that made exactly zero difference (which of course it shouldn't).
So while most here are saying it should be ok and people will understand, prepare yourself for either being gkicked on the spot or losing those friends you have made, or both - I hope that doesn't happen to you - but please be prepared. In reading between the lines it looks like your lies are probably much bigger than you are letting on here.
Drez Apr 1st 2011 12:32PM
I agree with VJ's points entirely.
You know exactly two things about how this will unfold:
- You'll feel like a weight is lifted off your shoulders
- People will react to the news unpredictably
It does seem like there was some egregious lying going on here, so it very much depends on the type of people you're friends with or who are in your guild. If you're in a progression raiding guild then people probably wouldn't care, if it's a close knit social guild it'll be fodder for gossip for months if not years. The outcome will probably be somewhere in between.
The most important thing to remember is that you're still young. You'll make new friends. Worst case, name change and/or server transfer for a new start (don't make the same mistake twice!). Knowing that you're more comfortable with yourself is incredibly good and means you'll weather whatever comes from this episode. Stay true to that going forward and you'll have few, if any, regrets.
Best of luck!
Bee Apr 1st 2011 12:04PM
I think there is a difference between identity and personality. In many ways the details of your identity matter much less than the personality behind the character. It's your personality that your friends like - not where you live, who you hang out with or what you do to keep yourself busy. You can lie about those details - but it's damn near impossible to keep up a sustained lie about your personality. So, your friends are your friends and they'll understand.
Be lucky :)