Drama Mamas: What to do after inappropriate chat between wife and guildie
by Robin Torres 
Apr 22nd 2011 at 2:00PM
Marriage is hard -- really, really hard. It's full of compromise and sacrifice. Sharing WoW as a common hobby can be a real boon to a healthy marriage, but it can also be a hotbed of temptation for an unhealthy one.
Dear Robin and Lisa,
I find myself in a situation that I have largely brought upon on myself. What I come to you for help in is what to do after I bust my butt fixing things. My wife and I both play WoW and lately I haven't been playing as much as I used to. Well along those same lines, I've been a bit blinded by my own happiness and blissfully living in ignorance of how the rest of my life outside of the game was going as far as the happiness of my wife. As of recently I have come to find out that she isn't as happy as I thought and that she has been sending text messages back and forth with a guildmate, that borders on the wrong side.
I am in the process of fixing things with my wife so that we are both happy and will stay together, but what I want the advice of of the Drama Mamas on is what do I do after she is happy as far as my WoW life goes?
I don't like this other guildmate after finding out his involvement with my wife between text messages, but playing WoW together with my wife is something we both enjoy, and we prefer to be in the same guild. I'm just not sure how I should act in this situation. My wife, a close friend thats like family to my wife and I and myself co-gm our fairly small guild, right around 100 members, and we are trying to get a good 10 man core group put together, which said guildmate was going to be a part of.
I'm not sure what to do when things are fixed between my wife and I, do I request that this guildmate find a new guild, which may or may not cause more drama between my wife, myself and with the rest of the guild, or something else entirely....I'm extremely confused on how I should handle this situation and would absolutely love some help and advice.
Signed,
Blinded, confused and fixing
Drama Mama Lisa: Time for the ol' 1-2-3:- Get the heck outta Dodge. You're right to recognize that A Very Bad Thing was about to happen between your wife and this other guildmate. It's best for all parties if you put some distance between all of you. Yeah, it stinks to lose a game friend and leave a guild you've been working so hard on -- but really, what's more important, raiding with this particular group or saving your marriage? If this guy is constantly in your faces, you'll forever feel uncomfortable with the fact that he crossed lines with your wife, and she'll always have to juggle striking a friendly balance in a now-awkward situation. There doesn't have to be any big drama or official parting of the ways with him personally ... but you do need to move on to greener pastures.
- It's vacation time! When life thwaps you upside the head with the kind of realizations you've just outlined, it's time to focus. You and your wife have both been losing yourselves in gaming instead of one another. Time to reverse that equation. You don't have to be bizarrely compartmentalized and artificial about it -- but a regular date night is certainly in order, as is more time spent sharing dinner and other daily snippets of life other than WoW.
- Find another way to play. This is the logical outcome of both the preceding steps, not a Big, Bad Punishment. You enjoy playing together, and there's no reason you shouldn't -- in the proper circumstances, of course. Take the opportunity after your WoW break for a fresh start. Figure out a new, interesting way of playing that naturally bridges you away from the old guild, the other guy, and the bad patterns. Try a different faction, different classes -- most definitely a different realm. Set up a natural progression away from the bad situation toward a fresh, shared interest, being sure to maintain balance with what's going on outside Azeroth as well.
Drama Mama Robin: I firmly believe that Lisa's three-step solution is your only solution if your monogamous relationship is to have a chance at healing. The amorous guildie obviously doesn't respect your marriage or you. You're not going to be able to force him to leave the server, even if you get him to leave the guild without drama. It's not worth the effort, anguish or continuing temptation. Your close friend/co-GM will understand.Moreover, while it is admirable that you are taking full responsibility for your marital issues on yourself, your wife is not blameless here. If you were blissfully ignorant, then she was woefully uncommunicative. Seeking romantic solace elsewhere, even "just" over text, is not an indication that she was looking for solutions to her unhappiness from where she should have been. I'm not saying it's appropriate to throw accusations or place blame, but I am saying she is going to have to put effort into your reconciliation as well.
If your wife is willing to take Lisa's three steps with you, I think that everything is going to work out wonderfully for you both. If not, then I think you both need to seek marriage counseling. The sacrifices, commitment and effort cannot be one-sided for a marriage to be successful. If she is unwilling to end contact with the amorous guildie, then your problem is much bigger than you currently think -- unfortunately. But hopefully it was just the rough patch you think it is, and she is willing to pack up and leave WoW for a bit and your current server forever.
I wish you and your wife bliss both in and out of Azeroth.
Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at robin@wowinsider.com.
Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Drama Mamas
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 5)
bloodyrogue Apr 22nd 2011 2:09PM
ive head to deal with that same thing. caused me to resent wow and not trust most everyone in it. i no longer play.
Netherscourge Apr 22nd 2011 2:29PM
Like sands through the hour glass...
...these are the days of our lives.
mkjlee Apr 22nd 2011 2:43PM
@ Netherscourge: Props for the Binary Star Quote.
raingod Apr 22nd 2011 3:17PM
@mkjlee That's actually the opening for the soap opera Days of Our Lives.
Phil Apr 22nd 2011 3:18PM
@mkjlee
Actually I am pretty sure that is in the opening of the Soap Opera "Days of our Lives". Why I know that, well lets not get into that.
Tim Apr 22nd 2011 4:52PM
@ Netherscourge. It's...so are the days of our lives. I'm nit picky
spamofchaz Apr 23rd 2011 3:28PM
Be excellent to each other...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2EwaFkPMdlY
Tomaj Apr 22nd 2011 2:10PM
This hits terribly close to home for a recent issue in our own guild... (actually, a husband/wife relationship, where they are actually filing for divorce). This is really sad to hear, but I do hope that things work out. It sounds like you've got a chance to get things set straight, and I hope you do.
Rifter Apr 22nd 2011 2:12PM
Hmmm, I had a similar problem with my ex-wife playing in Second Life. She ended up crossing that line.
The problem as I see it, is Blinded, IS blinded. He's taking ALL the blame. He shouldn't. She should not have crossed that line, at all, yet she did.
I'd say step one, is to NOT let yourself get walked on. I'd also recommend to quit playing WoW for a while. Rift is good, or do other things as a couple, all together. I'd also recommend professional help. If things are this bad... you need to get it fixed.
To put it another way. A marriage is built on mutual respect. If one person looses that respect and wanders, it does not come back that often.
Nina Katarina Apr 22nd 2011 3:17PM
I don't think they need to stop entirely, just create a space for themselves within the game. I like the idea of levelling a pair of twinks together, completely out of your guild, perhaps even on another server or faction.
And yes, she's at fault. It's not clear to me whether she thought she was innocently flirting and the guildie crossed the line, or if she deliberately sought out another relationship, but in either case she's destroyed some trust and she needs to shoulder the burden of the work in order to rebuild it. If she's not willing to step back and do that, how do you know she's willing to do the rest of the work in order to make the marriage functional?
trevorgodfrey Apr 22nd 2011 2:15PM
My marriage completely fell apart when my wife got too chummy with a guildie/co-worker/roomate (I realized that's probably a bit more involved than just a guildie) but it's true I saw it coming and didn't act fast enough. Now I have no wife and a co-worker I'd like to murder. Luckily he switched to the opposite faction and I take my anger out in Tol Barad (sidenote: is that what we have come to?)
So, yes, take action and quickly.
lilrabbit129 Apr 22nd 2011 2:16PM
Like Robin says, you have to BOTH want it. This isn't a road traveled by few. I've seen this, and similar, happen many times.
Also the guildmate didn't coerce your wife into doing anything, at best she was a willing participant, and at worst she could have initiated it. She's just as at fault as guildmate. Straighten THAT out first, then put distance on the situation. This is one of those times where you have to be able to say "its just a game" and walk away. Not completely from the game, but from where you are in it. If you want to continue playing WoW together, then like was suggested, a fresh-start is required.
We tend to try to let ourselves feel better by thinking that our loved ones weren't at fault, or that something happened that justified their actions. You have to see them for what they are and what they did. Then you can move on.
/rant
Shryndael Apr 22nd 2011 2:16PM
There was a guy in my guild who was going to separate from and divorce his wife because she was having an affair with their mutual boss. Around the same time, he became involved with a girl in the guild.
Then he vanished off the game for nearly two years. Turned out the boss fired him and he was looking for work, but also the soon-to-be ex-wife was hit by a car and seriously hurt. During the time - she's off work, he's off work, and they're together as she recovers from being hurt - their love rekindled.
Two years later he returns to WoW. The other girl is so excited to see him - she panicked when he vanished and it was only after a year or so of pining after him that she gave up. As he told his story to the guild you could see her virtually deflate.
She's mature about it though and doesn't cause any issues, but she was really hurt by this.
Really. If it's married? Stay away. Until the papers are signed married people are other people's property.
As for the guy texting your wife? Take him aside, tell him he is leaving, and if there's an issue with it he should have thought about it before he started (censor)ing around with your wife.
Kunikenwad! Apr 22nd 2011 2:42PM
"As for the guy texting your wife? Take him aside, tell him he is leaving, and if there's an issue with it he should have thought about it before he started (censor)ing around with your wife."
Damn skippy. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you do THAT.
iwubyou Apr 23rd 2011 2:34AM
This ^^
JoeRandom Apr 25th 2011 9:28AM
I respectfully disagree. If the wife lets the ****ing around happen, well, it WILL happen again. There are reasons for behaviour like that. I basically see two options: (1) let it play and be sure to let wifey know that you know - she will have to decide what happens; (2) decide yourself.
To engage the guildmate who's texting in a "you or me, in this town" conversation will only delay the inevitable.
Shryndael Apr 25th 2011 5:19PM
I don't mind that you disagree. I don't agree that if someone cheats they will definitely do it again. I don't know the circumstances of this specific situation nor does it really matter who "blame" lies with, since there will always be blame with every part of the equation. Assigning fault does nothing but hurt.
In my original example, the two people are extremely devoted to each other now. I don't think anything could shake them. But if they hadn't gotten away from WoW when they did - and this other girl - would he have recommitted so firmly to his marriage? I can't say, but I can speculate and if I do, the answer is unlikely.
Removing any additional and unnecessary elements to the equation is essential, but there's no reason to be a jerk. He should tell the guy he's leaving, and his wife should know so she's behind him with it. Otherwise, Jilted Guy could just cause more fissures.
And that's why you treat him with some respect and tell him he's leaving, not just boot him. If you treat people with rudeness and they then have legit reason to moan about it.
Aalokor Apr 22nd 2011 2:19PM
I'd have to give a +1 to Robin's second paragraph, I'm recently divorced after a not-so-different situation, and there are 3 things I think it's important to realize if you want this to work.
1) both of you are at fault
2) you need to have something you want to do to have fun together (preferably alone)
3) you both need to commit to making the relationship work.
consider yourself lucky that WoW has the option of being #2 for you, but i'd encourage you to find some way to make it a just the two of you thing, new chars on a new server that you only play together might be worth exploring.
Of course, as i said, i'm divorced. take any advice from me with a grain of salt.
omedon666 Apr 22nd 2011 2:19PM
I have watched this very situation derail an engagement of two people living together, and her end up marrying the other guy she only knew online. Do not underestimate anyone's connection to "just cybering", and nip this stuff in the bud with the seriousness of actual infidelity before it becomes actual infidelity.
For myself, I have two couples set up (married in game) with another player, and I have made it very clear that, as single as I am now, the second that changes we will re-evaluate the situation, potentially balling up the entire plotline and canning it, enjoying the memories, but respecting that the real world situation has changed. I made this call largely because of the situation I mentioned above.
kerese Apr 22nd 2011 2:23PM
Yikes...this is one of the few times I have been happy my fiancee doesn't play wow. Although I'm sure wow is just an outlet for this type of behavior for some people, so if it doesn't happen in Azeroth it probably would have somewhere else.