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Drama Mamas: What to do after inappropriate chat between wife and guildie

Drama Mamas Lisa Poisso and Robin Torres are experienced gamers and real-life mamas -- and just as we don't want our precious babies to be the ones kicking and wailing on the floor of the checkout lane next to the candy, neither do we want you to become known as That Guy on your realm.

Marriage is hard -- really, really hard. It's full of compromise and sacrifice. Sharing WoW as a common hobby can be a real boon to a healthy marriage, but it can also be a hotbed of temptation for an unhealthy one.
Dear Robin and Lisa,

I find myself in a situation that I have largely brought upon on myself. What I come to you for help in is what to do after I bust my butt fixing things. My wife and I both play WoW and lately I haven't been playing as much as I used to. Well along those same lines, I've been a bit blinded by my own happiness and blissfully living in ignorance of how the rest of my life outside of the game was going as far as the happiness of my wife. As of recently I have come to find out that she isn't as happy as I thought and that she has been sending text messages back and forth with a guildmate, that borders on the wrong side.
I am in the process of fixing things with my wife so that we are both happy and will stay together, but what I want the advice of of the Drama Mamas on is what do I do after she is happy as far as my WoW life goes?

I don't like this other guildmate after finding out his involvement with my wife between text messages, but playing WoW together with my wife is something we both enjoy, and we prefer to be in the same guild. I'm just not sure how I should act in this situation. My wife, a close friend thats like family to my wife and I and myself co-gm our fairly small guild, right around 100 members, and we are trying to get a good 10 man core group put together, which said guildmate was going to be a part of.

I'm not sure what to do when things are fixed between my wife and I, do I request that this guildmate find a new guild, which may or may not cause more drama between my wife, myself and with the rest of the guild, or something else entirely....I'm extremely confused on how I should handle this situation and would absolutely love some help and advice.

Signed,
Blinded, confused and fixing
Drama Mama Lisa: Time for the ol' 1-2-3:

  1. Get the heck outta Dodge. You're right to recognize that A Very Bad Thing was about to happen between your wife and this other guildmate. It's best for all parties if you put some distance between all of you. Yeah, it stinks to lose a game friend and leave a guild you've been working so hard on -- but really, what's more important, raiding with this particular group or saving your marriage? If this guy is constantly in your faces, you'll forever feel uncomfortable with the fact that he crossed lines with your wife, and she'll always have to juggle striking a friendly balance in a now-awkward situation. There doesn't have to be any big drama or official parting of the ways with him personally ... but you do need to move on to greener pastures.
  2. It's vacation time! When life thwaps you upside the head with the kind of realizations you've just outlined, it's time to focus. You and your wife have both been losing yourselves in gaming instead of one another. Time to reverse that equation. You don't have to be bizarrely compartmentalized and artificial about it -- but a regular date night is certainly in order, as is more time spent sharing dinner and other daily snippets of life other than WoW.
  3. Find another way to play. This is the logical outcome of both the preceding steps, not a Big, Bad Punishment. You enjoy playing together, and there's no reason you shouldn't -- in the proper circumstances, of course. Take the opportunity after your WoW break for a fresh start. Figure out a new, interesting way of playing that naturally bridges you away from the old guild, the other guy, and the bad patterns. Try a different faction, different classes -- most definitely a different realm. Set up a natural progression away from the bad situation toward a fresh, shared interest, being sure to maintain balance with what's going on outside Azeroth as well.
This is setting up to be a rich, rewarding time in both of your lives. Live it well, and let us know how you're both doing!

Drama Mama Robin: I firmly believe that Lisa's three-step solution is your only solution if your monogamous relationship is to have a chance at healing. The amorous guildie obviously doesn't respect your marriage or you. You're not going to be able to force him to leave the server, even if you get him to leave the guild without drama. It's not worth the effort, anguish or continuing temptation. Your close friend/co-GM will understand.

Moreover, while it is admirable that you are taking full responsibility for your marital issues on yourself, your wife is not blameless here. If you were blissfully ignorant, then she was woefully uncommunicative. Seeking romantic solace elsewhere, even "just" over text, is not an indication that she was looking for solutions to her unhappiness from where she should have been. I'm not saying it's appropriate to throw accusations or place blame, but I am saying she is going to have to put effort into your reconciliation as well.

If your wife is willing to take Lisa's three steps with you, I think that everything is going to work out wonderfully for you both. If not, then I think you both need to seek marriage counseling. The sacrifices, commitment and effort cannot be one-sided for a marriage to be successful. If she is unwilling to end contact with the amorous guildie, then your problem is much bigger than you currently think -- unfortunately. But hopefully it was just the rough patch you think it is, and she is willing to pack up and leave WoW for a bit and your current server forever.

I wish you and your wife bliss both in and out of Azeroth.

Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at robin@wowinsider.com.

Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Drama Mamas

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