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All of the latest Mists of Pandaria newsTwo Bosses Enter: Vanessa VanCleef vs. Cardboard Assassin
by Alex Ziebart 
May 9th 2011 at 6:00PM
The shadows part, and this week's contestants are revealed! Vanessa VanCleef, kingpin of the reborn Defias Brotherhood, will go head-to-head with the Cardboard Assassin, the finest tank Azeroth has ever seen.
| Cardboard Assassin | |
|---|---|
| Vanessa VanCleef |
In last week's matchup, Baron Ashbury and the Construct of Life Ammunae fought each other to a near stalemate, thanks to their equally impressive healing capabilities. However, a winner did pull through ... eventually.
Follow along for the details of this week's matchup, as well as discussion on last week's match.
The rules of the ring
- The WoW Insider Ring is considered neutral territory, where both combatants are able to access their usual encounter mechanics and abilities. If you can't visualize it inside the squared circle, visualize it someplace else -- but you must take into consideration all of each bosses' abilities and mechanics.
- Assume that each opponent is intelligent and capable of strategic thinking.
- All of the competitors' abilities, including crowd control and other effects to which bosses are usually immune, work on their opponents (with apologies to considerations of lore on this point).
- Assume that the opponents share similar levels, health pools, and comparative overall damage output.
- Don't get caught up in gameplay mechanics and what actual players might do in each encounter.
- Don't neglect style, story, and scale. Everything is a factor; seeking balance is your goal as a spectator and judge.
My fate is my own!
Vanessa VanCleef accomplished what her father couldn't: She makes you feel genuinely bad for her and sympathetic to the Defias Brotherhood. She isn't just a pity party, of course. Vanessa watched us murder and decapitate her father with her own eyes and used it as inspiration for vengeance. She has become one of the most dangerous assassins in the world and a major pain in Stormwind's side.
Vanessa VanCleef's toolkit includes:
- Backslash
- Deadly Blades
- Vengeance of VanCleef
- An assortment of poisons of the mind rendered useless by the Cardboard Assassin's cardboardiness.
...
The Cardboard Assassin took Cataclysm by storm, trivializing countless raid bosses with his mere presence. The developers themselves had to step in and put a stop to the cardboard terror.
The Cardbord Assassin's powers include:
- Immunity to mind-altering substances
- Being awesome
It turns out a death match between two entities with extremely powerful healing capabilities isn't "epic" so much as it is "hella freaking boring." Baron Ashbury's biggest supporter was reader Tyllis, who gave the fight to Ashbury on the grounds of the Baron's being intelligent enough to avoid Ammunae altogther:
As the elevator finishes its climb to the highest and final hall, the Baron takes a brief scornful look south at Ammunae and her pesky entourage of plants and nature spirits. He immediately realizes that she holds nothing of value to him and is not worth the time of a second glance. He instead turns north in search of his valorous prize.Perhaps this week's assassin showdown will prove to be more exciting than healer combat?
He and Rajh engage and the situation initially looks very balanced, but soon enough Baron Ashbury's relentless healing completely exhaust's Rajh's energy, forcing him to recharge with the Blessing of the Sun. Feeling the surge of power tear at his undead flesh, the Baron assumes the form of the Dark Angel and unleashes terrible devastation. Rajh is unable to withstand the enslaught and falls, yielding his Valor. Baron Ashbury claims his prize and leaves without a second thought of Ammunae or her two peers and vowing to never return to this awful desert land.
| Ammunae | |
|---|---|
| Baron Ashbury |
The battle begins!
Remember, Two Bosses Enter matchups are all about substance and style, not gameplay, mechanics, and numbers. Don't base your strategies on player tactics, which opponent has been easiest or most difficult for you personally, or the difficulty of each opponent relative to instance progression. Vote for the spirit of the battle as set forth above. Set aside differences in opponents' health pools, game level, and actual damage output. Absolutely no game mechanics nitpicking!
Set aside the world order -- let the WoW Insider Ring determine who's the champion! Your votes determine the outcome in WoW Insider's series of fantasy deathmatches, Two Bosses Enter, One Boss Leaves.
Filed under: Two Bosses Enter
Reader Comments (Page 3 of 5)
icepyro May 9th 2011 7:28PM
Normally, most players get a good look at Vanessa and feel bad for what they want to do with her, causing massive distraction and eventually failure.
That doesn't work with CA, rather the opposite. I know I was defeated when I first tried to consider the awesomeness of CA and realized he would indeed win if he stunned her as much as he did me. Put simply:
When Vanessa's venture to vanquish the vanguard of vindication for her votive vengeance was met by the valorous visitation of the vivacious valance, her vexation verily veered her volition to vacate, leaving the veneer vestige victorious.
That took a while to write as my vocabulary has not had to work that hard in years. Now to read the dozen or so comments left while I surfed dictionary.com
icepyro May 9th 2011 7:40PM
Another note on this fight, which is more offensive:
/wave or \
Considering I've witnessed multiple times where a hardcore lowbie ganker backs off when someone /wave, I think we know the answer...
icepyro May 9th 2011 7:41PM
One last note:
I didn't know this item existed prior to this article. Forget Abesik Kampfyre, CA for Warchief.
Zankoku May 9th 2011 7:42PM
Remember remember the 5th of November.
aerrae May 9th 2011 7:30PM
Normally I like this site, but some times, rarely, there is just something that is so stupid it makes me not want to read the site for a few days. congrats, this is it..
The problem is not the joke itself, its the fact that there are too many clowns who will take it too far, and that will negate the purpose of the tournament.
MusedMoose May 9th 2011 7:42PM
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/OverlyLongGag
Lionssoul May 9th 2011 7:36PM
Cardboard assassin cant grab the ropeswing and burns to a horrible death when ship is lit on fire
Andrew May 9th 2011 7:51PM
Vanessa Van Cleef sighed as she checked her father's pocket watch for the third time, leaning against the doorway to the dark bowels of her ship. Annoyed, she glanced over the cannons and corpses of her minions to the doorway into the forge at the "challenger" she had been left with by a group of cowardly adventurers who had trespassed into her realm. She straightened out her garments before stalking over to the edge of the deck, ignoring the corpses of her captain and chef oozing at her feet. Peering into the darkness, she called out to the intruders.
"Is this a joke?! Do you dare disrespect my father's daughter in this way? At least give me the opportunity to face you one on five, don't leave me with...this," she sneered, staring daggers at the cardboard cutout one in the group had dropped to the ground before scampering off. Swinging back and forth inside its box, she couldn't decide whether to laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation or scream in fury at the snub she had been delivered by these bandits whom she'd thought would make an attempt on her life as their lot had against her father. Idly, she threw her daggers down at the paper warrior.
*smack* *...rock...*
*thunk* *...bob...*
Growling and cursing these fools, she jumped down the decks to the Cardboard Assassin to retrieve her blades, not seeing the shadows shifting behind her as she withdrew the knives when suddenly-
*CLEAVE*
*SMITE*
*BURN*
*STAB*
*......unstableaffliction..............*
As the priest finished rifling through the younger Van Cleef's smoldering garments, the rogue stood off to the side, shaking his head.
"Man, I still can't believe we waited 20 minutes for her to finally come down here. I could have been halfway through my next queue, but nooo, SOMEONE 'wanted to have fun' with this pull."
"Hey, just be glad this doesn't happen too often," the priest huffed. "If the warlock stopped pulling aggro once in a while and didn't have to carry that stupid thing clipped to his belt, the opportunity wouldn't have even shown itself."
"lol qq moar nubs gtfo c ya l8r," sputtered the warlock before he and his succubus vanished into thin air.
Sincerity Erisvale May 9th 2011 8:12PM
Standing, facing a semi-likeness of her father, Vanessa's lip curls. Not only is Cardboard assassin a piece of cardboard, it's an insult to her combat skills. She knows her poisons won't work- she's seen the immune message just one too many times on mechanical units.
She's got friends though- and while Cardboard Assassin gets himself set up, she waits patiently, her friends are working for her. With a simple laugh Vanessa fixes her hair while Cardboard assassin bobs back and fourth, like a waving princess, or an idiot friend who you really don't want to see, so you're trying to ignore them from across the street.
She simply kneels down, and lights the fuse that leads to her bombs. She had them just in case an emergency came up. As the fuse ticks over, "How about a little fire, scarecrow!" with a wild explosion the fire engulfs the cardboard assassin, making him into ash.
"Really?" she laughs, "A cardboard assassin..."
notalex102 May 9th 2011 8:20PM
Vanessa all the way, but votes show the cardboard assassin with a 600 vote lead. Seriously?
cansylove May 9th 2011 8:31PM
The cardboard assassin's only hope is that Vanessa accidentally falls off the edge of the boat and resets.
supersaint71241 May 9th 2011 8:56PM
CA will ply his way to victory!
Hum on in May 9th 2011 8:48PM
Vanessa VanCleef, as she hides on top of the ship, suddenly hears *plop* "boing!". She peers over the edge and sees the eyes of a cardboard assassin cruelly mocking her as the corrugated cutout sways back and forth. Enraged, she gracefully leaps down and shouts "I am the master of my fate!", engaging the 2-D foe. Immediately she slashes the back of her opponent from the shadows and continues slicing and dicing the assassin. The cardboard queen is almost in pieces from the initial assault, but enough focus remains for it to lean back and suddenly it springs forward, launching mason's daughter off the ship. It seems the venerated cardboard assassin has been victorious once again. However it looks down and sees a lit barrel of blasting powder. The barrel explodes violently, splitting the ship in two, and reduces our horizontal hero to a pile of ash.
Tim May 9th 2011 9:02PM
Cardboard Assassin?...this is rich. LOL
Silversol May 9th 2011 9:46PM
Well... cardboard assassin kinda looks like Edwin Van Cleef... an infected wound from a scrape given by the rusty spring while giving the cardboard assassin a hug will be her demise.
RetPallyJil May 9th 2011 11:16PM
I have to stick with my gender. Vanessa FTW.
Lummbajak May 9th 2011 11:47PM
The assasin had been watching the silouette from the darkness for hours, waiting and checking every slight movement around it for others such as herself that lived and preyed from the shadows. She finally decided that it was time to make her moved and darted from object to object until the silouettes outline came more into focus. Vanessa stopped in her tracks yards away from her victim, stunned that the "person" was nothing more that a Cardboard cutout slowly moving back and forward on its base. Was this a joke? The rumours had come from trusted sources that a true champion would be waiting for those that dared hunt it. But a cardboard cutout? I coulndt be a trap Vanessa thought to herself the only thing that moved in hours of stalking was the cutout, the critters and the glow of the moon thru the trees! Anger suddenly took over her shock and she dashed in to cut down the cutout at this insult to her skills. Daggers aimed for the "neck" Vanessa came to a skidding halt and stopped her thrust inches away from the target. The Cardboard cutout looked exactly like her father. Vanessa dropped her daggers and fell to her knees in confusion, many emotions building inside of her. She let out a sob as guilt built in her, the guilt of knowing she almost decapitated her father. Years of memories came flooding back to her, the death of her father, struggling as a child to deal with the emotions the anger the frustration, the hatred the gruelling training, bringing her plans to fruition. Vanessa looked up with tears streaming down her face and noticed an angalic shape gliding down through the trees. "Why are you here" she asked the glowing shape. The shape responded "to claim the body of the Defias greatest assasin". Sobbing Vanessa replied "my father died years ago". The angalic figure laughed " the Dark lady always gets what she wants". Vanessa chocked back a cough as she heard a voice whisper on the wind " Silly litle girl your hunting and my woods and now you belong to me!". Vanessa tried springing to her knees but let out a scream of pain as a black tipped arrow flew out of the darkness and ripped through her chest.
Silvanas smirked to herself as she walked the woods thinking Garrosh would baulk at how much it cost the hordes coffers to level her enginnering so she could aquire her new pet.
Amaxe May 10th 2011 12:55AM
I'd hope Cardboard Assassin would win...
... but I'm afraid he lacks depth
/flees the mob
ScorchHellfire May 10th 2011 12:58AM
/facepalm
People are just going to make the Cardboard Assassin win for the novelty of it... 10 bucks says this season will end with Ozruk vs. Cardboard Assassin with Eregos close behind...
Al May 10th 2011 1:36AM
Unless we get more "whacky" wildcards.. in which case, it'll be CA versus Egbert.