Two Bosses Enter: Baron Ashbury vs. Cardboard Assassin
by Alex Ziebart 
Jun 6th 2011 at 9:00AM
A grave mistake was made when the Cardboard Assassin was allowed into the Two Bosses Enter tournament. The world severely underestimated the power of the comedy option. This week, can the menace of Baron Ashbury overcome the hilarity of the Cardboard Assassin?
| Baron Ashbury | |
|---|---|
| Cardboard Assassin |
In last week's matchup, Throngus the Forgemaster slammed face-first into the Scarlet Crusade's Whitemane and Mograine. Was his skull thick enough to pull it off?
Follow along for the details of this week's matchup, as well as discussion on last week's match.
The rules of the ring
- The WoW Insider Ring is considered neutral territory, where both combatants are able to access their usual encounter mechanics and abilities. If you can't visualize it inside the squared circle, visualize it someplace else -- but you must take into consideration all of each bosses' abilities and mechanics.
- Assume that each opponent is intelligent and capable of strategic thinking.
- All of the competitors' abilities, including crowd control and other effects to which bosses are usually immune, work on their opponents (with apologies to considerations of lore on this point).
- Assume that the opponents share similar levels, health pools, and comparative overall damage output.
- Don't get caught up in gameplay mechanics and what actual players might do in each encounter.
- Don't neglect style, story, and scale. Everything is a factor; seeking balance is your goal as a spectator and judge.
Pathetic.
Baron Ashbury has suffered some nerfs since the launch of Cataclysm, but he was, at one time, one of the most intimidating heroic bosses around. Groups not only had to interrupt two spells, but also dispel two spells while keeping up with some mighty intense healing.
Ashbury's bag of tricks includes:
- Wracking Pain
- Pain and Suffering
- Asphyxiate and, if he's feeling generous, Stay of Execution
- Dark Archangel Form and Calamity
...
The Cardboard Assassin has made waves in this season of Two Bosses Enter, eliminating fan (and author) favorite Vanessa VanCleef purely through the power of comedy.
The Cardbord Assassin's powers include:
- Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
The Scarlet Crusade continues to be a powerhouse in this season of TBE. Forgemaster Throngus won a valiant victory over Karsh Steelbender early on in the tournament, but Whitemane and Mograine cut his life short. Despite the fact that she didn't choose the correct winner, I feel I have to feature Nadia's writeup regardless:
Fart jokes are truly the height of literary genius."What face we now, Commander," says High Inquisitor Whitemane.
"I do not know, my Lady," says Mograine. "Churl! Who are you to dare threaten the Scarlet Crusade!?!?"
"No! Throngus no like seeing red! Remind him of when he get whipped. You puny red ones go away!"
With that, Throngus picks up Mograine and uses him as a club before dropping him to the ground. Then one giant foot comes crashing down, crushing the Scarlet Commander.
The Inquisitor begins casting and speaks, "arise my Champion!"
Before she can finish casting, Throngus begins sobbing, fiery tears raining down on the stone floor.
"Throngus sorry! Wait, little Lady, Throngus fix poor little squashed red man."
Whitemane stops casting, confused. "What? You're sorry? You're trying to help?"
The giant nods, extending a hand in what appears to be friendship. Hoping that this will somehow help, High Inquisitor Whitemane reaches out and grasps [Throngus's Finger].
"Heh, he he heh, heh! She pulled my finger!"
And a giant jet of flame shoots out of Throngus's Bulwark, burning both High Inquisitor Whitemane and Commander Mograine's crushed body to cinders.
Throngus WINS!
| Forgemaster Throngus | |
|---|---|
| Whitemane and Mograine |
The battle begins!
Remember, Two Bosses Enter matchups are all about substance and style, not gameplay, mechanics, and numbers. Don't base your strategies on player tactics, which opponent has been easiest or most difficult for you personally, or the difficulty of each opponent relative to instance progression. Vote for the spirit of the battle as set forth above. Set aside differences in opponents' health pools, game level, and actual damage output. Absolutely no game mechanics nitpicking!
Set aside the world order -- let the WoW Insider Ring determine who's the champion! Your votes determine the outcome in WoW Insider's series of fantasy deathmatches, Two Bosses Enter, One Boss Leaves.
Filed under: Two Bosses Enter
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 4)
Nopunin10did Jun 6th 2011 9:10AM
I like the inclusion of old-school bosses in this tournament, but I'm not entirely comfortable with Cardboard Assassin being part of this.
As much as it's fun to have something completely random like this included, it feels too much like some kid throwing Dynamite during a paper-rock-scissors game. Sure, it's kinda funny, but it's not really within the spirit of the contest.
Noselacri Jun 6th 2011 9:20AM
I saw the vote results (after voting for ANYONE THAT ISN'T CARDBOARD ASSASSIN), and felt a little disgusted.
Guess I can skip this column for the rest of the tourney. :-\
Lowlight Jun 6th 2011 9:36AM
"A grave mistake was made when the Cardboard Assassin was allowed into the Two Bosses Enter tournament"
This.
Seriously, you pretty much gimped any chance of this tourney being interesting now. VVC going down first round? Not a chance. Fail 2BE.
Elmo Jun 6th 2011 9:38AM
Cardboard Assassin clearly has been trained by Proximo.
Win the crowd and win your freedom, they can't kill you when the mob loves you.
Aspirisis Jun 6th 2011 9:43AM
Honestly, I'm in complete agreement with you...the cardboard assassin was kind of funny the first time around. But really, it's just kind of stupid now. They should make him be disqualified for doping or something...since he's obviously a dope, what with no brain.
Let's just get rid of him, please!
gewalt Jun 6th 2011 10:09AM
ya, sorry, but making this a game for second graders kinda ruined it for me.
Sagretti Jun 6th 2011 11:10AM
Yeah, I'll throw in that this seems to undermine the entire point of the article series. While the other articles aren't affected directly, it does kind of taint them since in the end, cardboard assassin will probably "win" the tournament. Who's going to care about the rest of it if it's pretty much pre-determined to end in a predictable punchline?
dumbguy Jun 6th 2011 11:36AM
When you add a joke character, you're basically admitting that the format is tired. And maybe it is. Having a joke character win once is fun. Maybe it will be similar to the gamefaqs video game character contests- a tetris block won the entire tournament once, and then it seemed like the voter base got over it.
I don't mind the joke entry winning, and i'm not really a huge fan of this set of topics anyway, but I would imagine that this prevents a lot of potentially interesting matches from occurring.
Alex Ziebart Jun 6th 2011 1:29PM
It was included, it won, we're playing it through. It just won't be in the next one.
shadcroly Jun 6th 2011 3:35PM
These fights were becoming much too srs bsns. Honestly, it's a nice breath of fresh air to toss something in purely for comedic value and to just run with it.
Apple Jun 6th 2011 4:31PM
This, this this, this, this.
Might as well put a big sign at the top of the column saying "COME TROLL THE LORE NERDS - ADMISSION IS FREE."
If another boss dies to a piece of corrugated paper, Alex might as well put this series back in the "cancelled" bin, because the readership clearly do not care about what happens.
SR Jun 6th 2011 4:53PM
I used to read this article to expand upon my knowledge of the bosses I DREAD to the fullest, to see who would win based on pure logic and prediction. It was much like solving a puzzle, or a riddle, for me.
The fact that a damned piece of cardboard bested TWO of this expansion's more interesting bosses simply disgusts me.
Salculd Jun 6th 2011 5:11PM
I think this column is interesting and trying to figure out how the individual matchups would play out beforehand was what I really enjoyed. It's incredibly disappointing to see its ultimate winner essentially be a foregone conclusion now due to a failure to realize that almost any poll with a "joke" option on the internet will see said option win, completely undermining the purpose of asking in the first place.
StClair Jun 6th 2011 8:54PM
"Basic Campfire" all over again.
Shrike Jun 6th 2011 8:58PM
I think anyone who is "disgusted" by any result in 2BE is taking this whole process *WAY* too seriously.
Nopunin10did Jun 6th 2011 11:30PM
@Shrike
Personally, I wouldn't say I'm "disgusted". The tournament is just a fun recurring article, and I like reading about it and voting for the bosses I think have the more interesting mechanics, better strat, etc.
It's just for fun.
The trouble is that the Cardboard Assassin just doesn't fit with that fun. It's as if Eddie Murphy were to show up in the middle of a British comedy, playing his character from Shrek. Sure, it /could/ be funny on its own, but it's not the movie I planned on seeing that night.
And ultimately, Cardboard Assassin isn't a boss.
Dboy Jun 7th 2011 12:29AM
Yup, I won't be reading any more 2BE articles. Can't be bothered to stick around and watch a bunch of kids laugh at the same, barely amusing joke over and over again.
Cardboard Assassin = fixed http://www.wowhead.com/item=18230/broken-i-w-i-n-button, in the hands of a two-year-old.
Hrothgar Jun 7th 2011 10:19AM
Ok, call me when the version of 2BE is over. Cardboard Assassin was funny, kinda, maybe, once. I'm not saying you have to stop pandering to the lowest common denominator. I'm just saying that I won't be playing along.
Next season, leave out the ode to adolescents or just drop the column altogether.
Nopunin10did Jun 7th 2011 10:23AM
For the record, even if Cardboard Assassin wins this season of 2BE, I really do want to see this column return.
It's a lot of fun, and as Alex Z. mentions above, they won't be including anything troll-able like this in the next season.
Mizzi Jun 6th 2011 9:10AM
Cardboard Assassin for president.