Drama Mamas: When love makes raiders unreliable
by Robin Torres 
Jul 1st 2011 at 9:00AM
Remember those times at school/work/league/everywhere when a couple got together and then became extremely inattentive to all of their old friends/colleagues/teammates/everyone while they spent more time with each other? Yeah, that happens in WoW too.
Dear Drama Mamas,
I'm a member of a casualcore raiding guild that's ranked pretty highly on our backwater server. We raid a couple hours 3 times a week, have fun and get stuffs dead. Part of the reason our group is so successful is a feeling of similar purpose ... but it also helps that most of the group is in the same physical location, around 5-7 people of the raiding corps.
One of our main tanks is in that group, let's call him P. P has had an ongoing online relationship with another DPS H for some time. H lives on the opposite side of the country. While at the beginning of the expansion everyone in the group meshed well and hung out socially, more and more we see P and H going off on their own and not spending time with the guild outside of raids.
Fast forward to last month. P had an issue that caused him to lose internet for a month. He told us the problem would have a fixed end date, and he'd be back to raid after that, apologized for the inconvenience, all that jazz. We scrambled for a replacement and progression stumbled but these things happen, everyone understood.
And then H stopped showing up for raids. In the few weeks since P's absence, H has missed 4-5 raids, with no notice or forwarning whatsoever. This is rubbing a lot of people the wrong way, but no one is sure exactly what to do about it. Our guild is ruled a lot by general consensus--everyone is friends with everyone. Aside from docking DKP (which is a ineffective threat since H is the only one of her spec/armor type), what can we do? If we reprimand or (at worst) boot H from the guild, P will likely be irritated and may even leave as well when he returns to the game, leaving us with a loss of two players.
More than anything , I'm concerned about the schism in our group ruining our cohesion. How can this be resolved? Your adivice would be much appreciated.
Sincerely,
Trouble in Raiderland
Drama Mama Robin: Okay, Trouble, I'm going to list the facts.- P and H are a couple.
- P is taking a break (perhaps to visit H cross country?) and is handling it professionally.
- H is taking a break and is handling it unprofessionally.
- You are having to replace both of them anyway in order to continue raiding.
If you don't have rules posted regarding raid attendance, do it now. You're right that docking DKP isn't going to work in this situation, so come up with consequences that work in most circumstances. Benching is good. You can't rely on H, anyway, and it also rewards those who are there while the couple are gone.
Whatever you decide, have H agree to follow the rules and also agree to accept the consequences. Since they weren't posted, offer an amnesty to H for past issues and allow her the chance to follow your newly posted rules. This may result in her taking a leave of absence, but that is better than your current situation.
Regardless of how H handles your enforcing your new or established rules, you need to plan for the worst outcome. You actually may have already lost this couple and need to adjust accordingly. Recruit to fill spots and establish a rotation. Also, try to let go of your negative feelings on this one. These two are in the heady beginnings of a romantic relationship, and their priorities are changing accordingly. They aren't trying to hurt the guild and snub their friends; it's just a common result of new relationships. Yes, take care of your guild, and yes, follow your rules -- but no, don't get angry. Anger leads to hate, etc. May the force be with you.
Drama Mama Lisa: "More than anything , I'm concerned about the schism in our group ruining our cohesion." Well, when it comes to cohesion, there's
nothing like communication. (Communication, hugs, and fruits and vegetables -- I'm convinced most of the solutions the world needs are right there.) At the risk of invoking our much-loved friend Captain Obvious, I have to ask: Have you actually talked to H to see what's up?"Hey, we missed you last night! We had to replace you with this really eccentric boomkin/ended up scuttling the entire evening ... " See where something like that takes you. If assurances of future dependability don't seem forthcoming, go ahead and pin things down in a friendly way: "I notice you've been out a couple of nights lately. We're so used to your always being right there -- would it help if we planned someone to fill your spot for a while, or do you think you'll be back in the mix this Thursday?"
Sure, I agree with Robin and Scott over at Officer's Quarters that written guild rules are the one sure way to keep all this raiding stuff from clattering off the rails. However, I don't think that slapping up rules posthaste and then serving members with official-sounding solutions is always the best way to go.
You're a small, friendly little group -- so keep things on a familiar, friendly level, and don't jump right to reprimands and recriminations. If cohesion is what you're after, then do your part to help keep everyone on the same page. Talk it over. Give H a chance to explain what's up and let you know when to expect her to be back around. If she says she'll be there yet misses anyway, then of course, move along with the rules and recruitment that will cover your raid's proverbial behind. But your first response should always be to talk directly to folks who have issues, not whip out the rolled-up newspaper for a quick bop on the nose.
Keep it real, and you'll be back to smooth sailing soon!
Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at robin@wowinsider.com.
Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Drama Mamas
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
Spellotape Jul 1st 2011 9:24AM
The OP might have to accept the loss of the tank and the DPS - whether justified or not, any reprimand against H will not go down well with, er, P. If you can speak to her and find out what the story is, there might be some relief (she might well just say she does not like raiding without her partner, and that's pretty understandable), but a reprimand? It won't work - any couple would sooner leave than sit idly by while half of it has a hard time in the guild (obviously not raiding isn't a problem for them).
Scooter Jul 1st 2011 9:27AM
Talking is definitely the key here. Having such a relationship between the raid and the couple, it is important not to assume anything and let the other side state their case. Whatever that happens to be, ask them to honestly assess whether or not they will be able to participate in the same capacity as before. If it is yes, then make sure they are aware that should they slip without explanation you will make whatever decision is best for the raid group.
People may not like the decision but it is a fair one.
Puntable Jul 1st 2011 10:09AM
You said you were a casual guild, but having mandatory attendance for raids does not seem very casual to me. Maybe my definition of casual is wrong. Anyway, it's summer, people take vacations, go camping, have cookouts... A lot of casual guilds give up on raiding for the summer months.
Caliea Jul 1st 2011 10:39AM
Ah... the age old 'casual means inconsiderate' argument.
Casual is such a weird word in WoW. I dare say most people would assume that if you're raiding, even casually, if you are scheduled to raid a certain time, you show up, or have a darned good reason for not showing up. When 9 (24) other people are waiting on you to raid, then it doesn't matter how you define the word. Not showing up and not letting anyone know in advance is violating a basic tenet of common decency.
Now if they declined a calendar invite, or didn't sign up, then in a casual guild I'd expect that they're excused. But that goes back to what the stated rules are in that particular guild.
'Casual' doesn't mean you get to leave people hanging with no repercussions.
SymbolSix Jul 1st 2011 10:43AM
+1 Caliea, "casual" does not mean "flaky."
Scooter Jul 1st 2011 11:13AM
The only real difference between "Casual" and "Hardcore" raiding guilds is the hardcore guild is competing with other guilds. You still show up on time, prepared in all aspects, and give it your all for the entire extent of the raid. A casual guild may take more time clearing bosses, but the goal is still the same. Gear up and Kill the end boss.
Casual is only meant to indicate that the raiding schedule is flexible as opposed to 5 nights a week.
Saeadame Jul 1st 2011 3:17PM
Casual does have several meanings but a "casual raiding guild" typically still has an expectation that you show up on time/at all for raid nights, just because, otherwise, you don't raid. If it was a Social-Casual guild that had sign-up or pick-up raids, on the other hand, there probably wouldn't be an expectation of attendance every week. The characterization of the guild as a "raiding guild" is what really defines it, the casual is a descriptor that indicates a) the mood while raid (not intensive/competitive, generally), and/or b) the number of hours spent raiding either at a time or in general.
Katherine Jul 1st 2011 7:08PM
No I came to post the same thing. Obviously the word casual means different things to different people, but 100% attendance no matter what seems a little strange for a casual guild. Accepting the calendar invite and then not showing up to me just means you don't hold a place for them, not that you get super mad or whatever. But then my guild has to figure out who is coming each week at the time of the raid anyway, so we are obviously pretty casual when it comes to attendance.
Shoryl Jul 1st 2011 10:12AM
While I'm usually one of the people who agrees with advice like Robin's (follow the rules, or pay the consequences...) this one actually sounds like a case where a little more communication is in order. Especially if H has been reliable and helpful in the past, H should have the opportunity to explain what's up now.
Anyone who has a proven track record that suddenly changes deserves an opportunity to work things out.
Vladpr Jul 1st 2011 10:30AM
Didn't I read this yesterday?
Caliea Jul 1st 2011 10:40AM
It popped up for 0.5 seconds on my mobile site yesterday, and when I tried to click on it, it hearthed.
Tricky-boo!
Robin Torres Jul 1st 2011 11:33AM
It accidentally got published for a couple minutes yesterday, it seems. Sorry for the confusion.
zmalmquist Jul 1st 2011 10:43AM
We actually hit the other side of this. Had a couple in the raid team that broke up. Even though they promised that it would not affect their raiding, one eventually stopped logging on and the other became very unreliable. Oversleeping, showing up late, multitude of excuses, etc... Anyhow it truly sucks to lose friends you have been so used to raiding with, but as a raid leader you have to make a hard decission sometimes. If you dont your entire raid will suffer and eventually players will leave for failure to keep a raid together.
The one player has been replaced and the other has been motivated to return on a probation period. We have set rules now about attendance. We are also motivating attendance by allowing players with 100% attendance / on time to roll on a set of 4 living embers each time we get to that point. Reseting the list each time we get that much.
Overall you got to consider the goals of the team. Pugs do not get progression done, and you got to make hard decissions to replace sooner than later.
Kendro Jul 1st 2011 10:43AM
There is another possibility, apart from P taking a break to visit H across the country, that would explain H's absence. H could be a little down over the fact that P hasn't been on for a bit, and even though there are other forms of communication, the loss of the bond via a favorite medium between the two could be causing a bit of heartache.
Love makes people do stupid things, communication to see what is going on, and attempting to let both parties explain themselves to the proper authorities within the guild would be the most productive next step to this problem.
Or as others have suggested, you could just avoid any situation and hassle between the two of them by outright replacing them right now. That will most likely cause quite a few feathers to get ruffled though. Even if people are disgruntled over the viewed unprofessionality of certain parties, I doubt few people would like to see someone get the boot over a handful of missed raid nights, especially if they were previously close to said person.
Those are my thoughts on the matter, yes it does suck that they are both missing at the start of Firelands, which I imagine causes more frustration that anything; but, if you were previously content with them, and you are located on a backwater server, it could be difficult to find competent replacements.
Noyou Jul 1st 2011 12:56PM
It also could be in this economy that P doesn't have the money for WoW or internet and doesn't have the heart to say it. To me that's the first thing I thought of. If he said it had a fixed date like 3-4 weeks? I think as many have mentioned communication is the first step. Assuming anything always seems to result in one thing. Regardless of that H should be mature enough to either excuse themself or perform their guild duties as needed. Again communication is simple. Tell them hey- H is gone we really need you to be at as many or all raids as possible. If you can't please give us a weeks notice. And then lay down that you will have to find raid replacements which could result in them losing their spots in the raids. Then If H continues to miss raids and not give you guys enough notice the message is clear. Hope that helps and good luck.
Trisnic Jul 1st 2011 11:23AM
IMO people need to be recruited to fill those holes. That is the only solution. It's a good idea to discuss the issue with H and P but at the end of the day the important thing is the 8+ others who want to raid.
This is in addition to posting rules which I agree with 100% because it makes it less like a personal attack.
Since Firelands was released our attendance and application numbers have skyrocketed. I guarantee it is possible to find two people to raid even on a backwater server that could mesh with this group.
Casual doesn't mean to not think about others either. If you've got a vacation or whatever that is normal for summer but let the leaders know so they can find replacements. It's called being respectful of others time.
dkhar Jul 1st 2011 2:39PM
But see, this is the problem I have with this letter, it didn't come from a guild leader or officer, it just came from a member of the guild. We really don't know what is going on, we are all just making assumption's by what this letter entails. For all we know H might have contacted someone in the guild, maybe even the GL and it just hasn't gotten to the other's yet. Everything, in regards to this letter I feel, that our opinions are based on are speculative.
Lost Sul Jul 1st 2011 11:54AM
Funny how many people never try the number one solution to fixing problems before writing in for help.
It's called talking. Everyone is always pissed off at other people, but either too scared or to self righteous to actually ask them what's going on. You don't have to jump to reprimanding, you can start by just asking.
El Jul 1st 2011 7:25PM
We had a very similar thing happen in my old guild, however H in our case wasn't a required component in our raids. In the end(in the 4 months after the relationship started), the relation ship crashed, P stopped raiding, and H moved out of guild too. online relationships between raiders is dangerous...esp when one or both are key in your raid team. Recruit to fill their spots. You guys are all friends, friends don't leave friends hanging.
Eirik Jul 1st 2011 12:39PM
All through reading this blog post, one thought ran through my head:
"I will not make acid comments about PH. I will not make acid comments about PH."