Drama Mamas: The case of the reluctant temporary guild leader
by Robin Torres 
Jul 22nd 2011 at 9:00AM
Don't let our own guild get run by anyone else but you. Anyone else but you. Anyone else but you. No, no, no!
Hi there,
My wife is our guild leader, and as such, I am kind of the co leader when she is gone for her deployments (usually about 4 months). we both love to play WoW, after all we met on WoW, found out we have common interest out side of the game, got married, had a child, and continued to play WoW. So here is the issue.
We started our own guild because we were tired of the drama, the headaches of hardcore raiding, and the general snobbery that was associated around us. And our little guild prospered. Then my wife was deployed for 5 months, and I had the reigns of the guild (along with my brother). And under our guidance the guild grew in to a 25 man raiding guild that did endgame content, but we still kept it casual and friendly.
So, cataclysm comes out, and our guild goes through a population explosion. we went from a small guild to one with hundreds of people in it. The small guild we established now is one of the larger ones on our side on our server. Now that we have all these people, and of course they want to all raid. They all enjoy that we are laid back in our runs, and that we look towards the player and not just gear and what numbers they throw out.
So now that my wife is now deployed again, and once again the guild is put on my shoulders, I don't want it. I know that she would kill me if I turned the guild over to anyone else, but I am not having fun in the game anymore. I have a group of officers that are trying to help, but it isn't enough. I am constantly bombarded by the shear numbers of people we have. I don't have time to play the game that I enjoyed all those years ago.
I am feeling that if I leave the guild in someone else's hands, my wife will never forgive me for it. But if I stay, I think I will have a stroke from all the anxiety that this guild is putting on my shoulders. The only time when I get a little enjoyment is when I get on another toon far away from the guild, but that only last so long since all the officers have me on real id. We front the money for the vent server, for our own custom website I coded, and for any thing else the guild needs. Hell, I even get phone calls when I am not on if something is wrong in the guild. I don't go a day without being drug in to the game for some problem.
Am I so wrong for wanting to leave the game at this point? Am I just cracking under the pressure? I don't know what I should do, quit the game, or just be a sounding board for the next 3 months until my wife comes home and hand her the mess?
Confused with a huge headache
Drama Mama Lisa: Confused, we can cure this headache of yours! I have two prescriptions for what ails you today. Both formulations can be a bitter bite to swallow, but the relief you'll get for your symptoms is immediate and long-lasting.First off, it's time to admit that you no longer have the bandwidth to fill in during your wife's deployments, you don't enjoy leading a larger, actively raiding guild, and you want out. Nothing wrong with these feelings -- so let them all out! Sometimes you're just burned out and need a break. Sometimes you're actually done with the game. Sometimes you enjoy contributing, but you simply can't keep up the pace you feel the guild needs.
While you undoubtedly do need to zero in on the particular cause of your crisis (at least for your own sanity), the first pill for your ailments is letting go of the belief that you can keep whipping yourself through this situation. Wanting to want something that someone else wants isn't enough. It would be wonderful if leading this guild in your wife's absence were reasonably doable for you, but circumstances have changed since you two created the guild. Solo leadership (even temporary!) of what the guild has become today is simply way outside the bounds of what your life has space for right now.
There's no sense struggling against what's obvious; you need to be come to grips with the fact that this is no longer something you are able to or want to keep up with. Imagine being out from under this leadership burden; how would that change the way you enjoy WoW? Figure out what you want to do with yourself first, so you have some sense of what direction to go from here.
This leads us to the second bitter pill you need to swallow today: coming clean with your wife. I'm hoping you have opportunities to contact her regularly. Either way, you have both personal and organizational reasons to make her the first person you tell about your decision to step back from leadership. Your feelings and decisions may very well bring out second thoughts of her own. Either way, you'll want to come up a new game plan for your WoW lives that suits both of you. You won't be able to figure this out, of course, without her -- so make communicating with her a priority. You may have to hang in there in the hot seat for a while longer (more on how to handle that below, from Robin) while you get in touch and work things out, but at least you'll know there's an end in sight!
Know that this kind of change over time is far from unique, Confused, and that happy WoW couples do go on to lead happy WoW lives after rerouting their energies to fit their current lifestyles. Keep your eye on what's fun, and work through the details responsibly (don't forget to take a peek at those articles I linked above). Happy transitions!
Drama Mama Robin: Confused, I don't know how understanding your wife is going to be. Her deployment is at worst a horrific place under horrific conditions, and at best a long time away from friends and family in a place where she has very little leisure time. She may very well think that the least you can do is watch her needy flock while she's gone without bothering her about it during your rare communication times (if they exist at all).So while I agree with Lisa that you shouldn't be guild leader during your wife's next deployment, I do not agree that you should bother your wife with your issues during this one. But that doesn't mean you can't use your current status as guild leader to alleviate some of your problems.
- No phone calls. Put your foot down about this. Whatever is happening in the guild, no matter how bad, it is not so much of an emergency that it requires a phone call. Why are people calling you? If they don't have access to do something required, like demoting someone who has been hacked, then make sure some officers have this ability. State clearly to whoever has access to your phone number that it is not to be used for guild purposes, period. And don't give it to anyone (else) who you only know through the guild.
- Delegate more responsibility to your officers. Scott has an excellent article about delegating within a guild (this is turning into a "Best of Officers' Quarters" list!). Your officers can do a lot to help alleviate much of the stress in your situation. Share the work, and many of your issues will go away. If part of your problem is a lack of officers, Officers' Quarters can help you find the guild officers you need, too.
- Cultivate a replacement. The best way to get out of your current situation -- whether you seek promotion at work, don't want to be the family BBQ cook anymore, or no longer wish to be replacement guild leader -- is to find and train a suitable replacement. I know it's nice to think that you are irreplaceable, but that is the surest way to get stuck doing something you don't want to keep doing. I don't know if your brother is a good candidate or one of your officers, but if one of them is willing to take your place, use this time while your wife is deployed to train your successor. Don't make any promises, however; you still need to clear this with the real guild leader -- your wife.
I hope your family remains safe and happy through all of this.
Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at robin@wowinsider.com.
Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Guilds, Drama Mamas
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Mark Jul 22nd 2011 10:00AM
I've been an officer in a fairly large guild for about six years now, and I definitely understand Confused's dilemma. There was a time when the guild required an enormous amount of work from the guild leader and our officers every day, mostly resolving little dramas for people.
Over the last few years, though, we've reduced that headache dramatically. The first step was acknowledging that we, as a guild, couldn't be everything for everybody. There was no way to be a good fit for every player. Once we stopped trying to solve problems that weren't ours, the drama pretty much vanished.
We're at the point now where it feels like the guild runs itself. We've empowered people to organize their own raids, and they do. Most weeks, we have 4 or 5 different groups running 10-man content. By letting each group be what they want to be, there's a group that's a good fit for just about all of our raiders.
I agree entirely with Robin. This problem can largely be solved by empowering your guild members.
Eirik Jul 22nd 2011 6:39PM
... "Most weeks, we have 4 or 5 different groups running 10-man content. " ...
Man, there are times I wish I had the intestinal fortitude to either transfer my lot of toons, or simply run up a new "main" on a different server.
On my server, 4 or 5 different groups running 10-man content is called "the entire server (faction) population".
Cue "my server is sooo small" jokes.
Tim Jul 22nd 2011 10:05AM
Awesome advice, as always, Mamas. Very interesting article all around.
Shinae Jul 22nd 2011 10:07AM
Excellent answers, Mamas!
"Confused", thank your wife for her service and you for your support. Best wishes!
bennet Jul 22nd 2011 10:30AM
I'm not sure how shuffling off leadership responsibilities will play if you don't talk to your wife first. I co-GM a guild with my husband, and I know how I'd feel if I were away and came back to, "Hi, honey, I know you and I used to run the guild but you'll have a lot of fun partnering with Anton!" It wouldn't be pretty.
And I did see one potential danger phrase in there that the Mamas didn't address: "Under [my brother's and my] guidance the guild grew into a 25-man raiding guild..." That sounds like you at least partly helped create the management headaches you're unhappy with. Not saying you don't need to do something about it, but it does muddy the situation some.
Robin Torres Jul 22nd 2011 10:37AM
"Don't make any promises, however; you still need to clear this with the real guild leader -- your wife." :D
lisapoisso Jul 22nd 2011 12:30PM
"Either way, you have both personal and organizational reasons to make her the first person you tell about your decision to step back from leadership. "
mamasama Jul 22nd 2011 10:36AM
I have nothing to add to this that the Mamas haven't already addressed except to reiterate the need to communicate with your wife where you are coming from. Don't do anything without speaking with her first.
Something totally unrelated, but it happened to me and the title of this article made me think of it. A while back I was an officer in a fledgling RP guild. I was getting tired of how disrespectfully the GM, who I had thought was my friend, was treating everyone. She was dictatorial, bossy, and worst of all, treated me like some sort of peon that had better do what she says OR ELSE. What made it so awful is that she was so COOL and so laid back before we'd ever decided to form the guild. I really did think she was my friend...both being female, we felt comfortable roleplaying together. Admittedly, I saw red flags before all of this drama because she liked to talk about her past glory on the server and how notorious her character was. To make a long and unpleasant story short, she made me the Guild Leader without my consent. The reasoning that she gave me was to 'teach me a lesson in how hard it is to run a guild and to see how hard her job is" We came to blows through whispers and she became frantic when I told her I wasn't buying into her manipulative BS and DID NOT appreciate her strong arm tactics. I never wanted to be a GM, yet this did not stop her. The hilarious part of this story is, she never intended for me to keep the guild. She assumed that I would without argument take up the mantle of GM, cave after a week under the intense pressure, and tearfully come running back to her with the new found realization of how HARD her job is, thereby handing the guild back over to the RIGHTFUL leader.
I did not play her game and told her that I was hurt by what she had done and her reasons behind it. During this heated back and forth between the two of us, I began to see her true colors. And those were that of an extremely selfish and inwardly focused individual who sees everyone as beneath her. The things she said to me were unreal...it was like listening to a little Napoleon. She demanded that I give her guild back to her. I'll admit, I made her squirm, and told her I was tempted to disband it. But I didn't in the end because that would have been rude to do it to the 25 or so active players we had in the guild. In the end, I ended up giving the guild to one of the other members that knew her personally and that didn't mind taking the reigns. Of course he ended up giving it BACK to her, but I sure wasn't going to do it. The SECOND I promoted him she took me off RealID. I breathed a sigh of relief and washed my hands of the whole mess.
I know my little story doesn't really have anything to do with the topic at hand, but the title of the article brought the whole unpleasant debacle back and I couldn't resist sharing.
bennet Jul 22nd 2011 10:52AM
That's what I get for reading a longish article before I'm completely awake :)
AudreyR Jul 22nd 2011 11:00AM
It sounds like there's no a lot of delegation is going on. That's what us officers are there for. Robin already mentioned it, but I'll expand on it.
As long as the goals for the guild and the rules are clear, your officers can take up quite a bit of slack.
For instance, the guild bank. You can assign and empower an officer or more to deal exclusively with general bank duties. They can keep up with the logs, organize and clean up the junk.
You can also assign someone to clean up guild notes.
There's many more small and large jobs your officers can do.
Of course, if they don't know what's expected of them, as well as the goal and rules of their particular task, they may add to your workload with lots of questions for clarity.
Arrohon Jul 22nd 2011 12:42PM
I honestly think that making the guild was the first mistake. They did so for the right reasons but if they knew that the guild leader was going to have to be away from the game for 4-5 months at a time then they should've just kept looking for another guild. The wife is obviously the one that wanted to be the guild leader otherwise the husband would be a permanent guild leader. Sadly, with her schedule she just can't be a guild leader. A guild leader can't leave for months at a time repeatedly even with a trusted friend or family member to take control in their absence. They should've sat down, realized that she can't do it well enough with her schedule and either decided that the husband would be the guild leader or they would just keep looking for a good guild. It's too late for that now obviously but I still wish you luck.
omedon666 Jul 22nd 2011 3:35PM
Empowering the guild is a must in any guild where the guild leaders aren't being paid (so, almost all of them). No one has a right to demand of the time of any member of this type of recreational volunteer organization, regardless of internal rank. My WoW guild would extremely occasionally run into the odd "demanding of the 'adult leadership' to make things happen" complaint, and, well, we made it very clear that the guild belongs to everyone, and is moderated by those of rank. Thankfully, these people got the hint, and phased themselves out of the guild, a win/win for everyone.
Leaders and officers are the steering wheel, not the engine.
Suss Jul 22nd 2011 5:45PM
Robin is correct. Confused really should have figured this out before his wife deployed again. It's not fair to take on that responsibility and then ditch. I disagree with Robin about discussing this with her. It's her guild and life goes on during deployment, so Confused should ask her for her input. She may surprise him with her response.
Droplet Jul 23rd 2011 11:39AM
Confused,
My guild went through a similar problem. The guild leader was so busy with work that he got burned out and couldn't keep up with duties. He didn't want to hand it over because his girlfriend, who co-GMs with him, was working on contract in Europe for 6 months. So what ended up happening is that the guild leader handed over the reins to our lead officer, who was very familiar with duties already because he had been picking up the GM's stuff for a couple of weeks already, and our GM took a 4 month break from WoW. When he came back he took up the mantle again, and all was well and good =). Of course, he didn't tell his GF about it.... >.>
Tietra Jul 23rd 2011 2:03PM
I played with a good group of friends in a different mmorpg and eventually we all migrated to WoW. Our original guild leader about half a year ago became inactive and the guild eventually splintered for a while. Eventually my best friend got guild master and did a short of revival and brought everyone back. We raided for a good six months as a medium sized guild running two 10 man groups weekly and an open 25 man group. Luckily we had mature members and everything ran smoothly. It also helped that my best friend was benevolent and kept the guild's best interest at heart.
I wasn't an officer at the time and mainly was the healing lead of the guild when my best friends computer fried he took the opportunity to take a break from the game. I guess we all didn't really see how much he held the guild together alone. We did have a small core of officers but they mainly filled an advisory role. Out of the blue, he decided to give me the role of guild master which I reluctantly agreed because I had a deployment looming in the next four months which he promised to return.
I was already bombarded from the start as I had no experience running a full guild and naturally I had a different leadership style. I did delegate responsibilities but my biggest mistake was being taken advantage off. The core officers grew from a group of four to twelve and I was eventually relegated to doing grunt work that no one wanted. Naturally a month before my best friend was to return I decide to create an Honarary rank and demote people from this officer rank and restore the guild to the pre-status mess I created. Some where offended and my guild of around 40 members collapsed into 20 and by the time I left for deployment that guild was dead.
Basically do talk with your wife and decide on an option/solution that you both would be happy with. If you decide to groom someone to fill both your shoes while your wife is gone please stress to them it takes a special kind of commitment to do this and appeasing everyone isn't the way to go. Make it clear that when your wife and you are back in the picture they are possibly going to take a backseat. Don't make my mistakes.
Missk Jul 25th 2011 8:49PM
I'm not sure if it's already been said, I'm at work and don't have time to read all the comments.
Something Guild Leaders I've known have found helpful is to promote one of your non active characters to Guild Leader and demote your active characters that you use to the officer rank. That way the members will have an easier time of perceiving you as an officer (and hopefully approaching one of the others) when their issue is one that can easily be sorted by one of the officers. Your guild is large enough that most members won't necessarily remember your GL when they're going through who's online.