Arcane Brilliance: Magery within the Firelands

Oh, hai thar! As the master of infiltration, I think everyone saw this post coming. By this point in time, is there a single column that I haven't managed to take over? I really don't understand why people resist it; I should just be the writer for WoW Insider. The rest of the staff is pretty much superfluous at this point. Well, maybe we can keep them around as interns to fetch me coffee and deal with trolls.
I swear, though, this isn't my warlock side that's taken over. No, no, we're a bit more sensible than that here; the editors would never let a warlock write the mage column. Instead, it's the balance druid part of me who joins you today, spewing out your mystical tidbits. Honest, they made me swear an oath and everything. What they didn't count on is that my balance side is rather bitter towards mages and their Focus Magic swapping; warlocks are awesome enough to give me Dark Intent. Also, mages kind of blew up the Well of Eternity thing, and that's not cool.
Let's begin today's lesson, class!
Editors Note: Warning! A moonkin's attempt at bitter comedy ahead!
Tip 1: How to accept an invitation
In order to get into a Firelands raid, the first step is always going to be the raid invite. If you accept it, then you're already doing it wrong. At any given opportunity, you should attempt to decline raid invites and ask that a replacement be found for you instead; bonus points if you suggest that the replacement in question not be a shadow priest.
Let's just face the facts, people: You're mages. Your existence isn't really needed beyond the moderate amount of convenience that you provide for people. You give us food, you teleport us places, you wash our cars and talk to annoying telemarketers; you don't, however, actually get to raid with us. It'd be like inviting the help out to a five-star restaurant with you. It simply isn't done.
Stick to the things you're good at. Take your invite, drop a Refreshment Table, then bow out. Oh, and port my alt from Silvermoon to Org, thanks.
Tip 2: Don't allow yourself to become a burden
If, for some unknown reason, a more suitable replacement can't be found for you and you must raid with a group, then make sure that you're at least going to do it right. Ask your vastly more knowledgeable warlock or druid superiors to explain the encounter mechanics to you in the bite-sized words that you'll be able to understand. I know that reading is a challenge that most mages haven't quite overcome yet, so request that they use a VoIP program such as Ventrilo or Mumble when explaining things to you.
Once you know what to do, actually do it. I know that it can be difficult to following the basic instructions of Don't stand in the fire again!, but you really need to stop dragging the raid down. They're already setting themselves back enough by taking you along with them as it is; don't make matters worse for them by ruining it. Further, make sure that you ask for clarification on any instructions that you don't understand. Raid bosses can be tricky for a mage's addled mind; you might need things repeated, possibly multiple times.
Tip 3: Gaining loot
Any raid that takes you in is being generous enough with their time, don't continually push your luck by asking that they actually give you gear as well. Other classes are going to get more use of out those items than you would as a mage, so it's really just in everyone's best interests that you pass off any loot to others before taking any for yourself. In fact, you may always pass a few items over to be disenchanted as well. Enchanting isn't cheap and requires a large number of Maelstrom Crystals. You wouldn't want for a kind guild mate to go without an enchant just because you had to be greedy and ask for the item, would you?
Tip 4: Fulfill your role
Always remember that the real reason anyone brings a mage along for the ride within a raid is to make everyone else in that raid feel better about themselves. No one likes to be the foppish tagalong who really doesn't belong with the rest of the cool kids but is brought along anyway because the others need to save face or look like they care about those less fortunate. You are that person.
Sure, you might not be the best. You might often be passed over for the more complicated aspects of an encounter because they require abilities that you simply don't have. But no one can take away from you the fact that you are the proverbial comic relief. Merely existing in the raid already makes everyone else feel 20 times better about themselves. You're a superstar, champ, and don't let anyone else tell you differently.
Tip 5: Know humility
Never let your position within a raid go to your head. While mages certainly don't suffer from the same alluring ego draw that most other classes are subjected to, the mere fact that you are hanging with the popular kids could just as easily cause you to fall into temptation. It might be easy to let go of yourself and give in to the draw, to lord your elevated status above other, less important mages, but humility is the sign of an inherently good person. When you really don't have much else, you kind of want to be a good person.
Remember, your position is a gift; there are plenty of other mages who would gladly lick the raid's metaphorical bootstraps in order to fill in on your slot. If you don't want this to happen, then make sure you do what every good mage does, and show your gracious appreciation for being allowed to join in on the reindeer games.
Filed under: Mage, (Mage) Arcane Brilliance
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Reader Comments (Page 5 of 5)
Peebers Jul 24th 2011 6:35PM
The wowinsider cast is flippin amazing! I love all you guys! The commenters have obviously caught a bad case of the youtubes. Get a grip you wankers! These comments are almost enough to make me delete my Mage. But instead maybe I'll macro all my two spells emote about casting other lock or boomie spells instead.
deathbaron Jul 25th 2011 5:02AM
This is a bunch of trash. I like the humorous columns when they also have something to add that is useful but this is garbage. Normally I like Caraway's Posts about druids and such but whoever let this get through the editor's desk and actually published failed miserably (must have been a warlock).
It honestly would have been better to just cancel the column for this week.
Bond Jul 25th 2011 10:24AM
I am reminded of the old joke (which I restate here): How many mages (or other distinct and notoriously defensive group) does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!
The piece was fairly humorous and better than just posting a "No Article This Week" notice. Which is all it was meant to do. Relax.
Kevlar Jul 25th 2011 11:46AM
Sorry Tyler,
My friends and I are part of a following created by a mutual bond of hating Locks, circa TBC. You have big shoes to fill over here. Something tells me Mr. Belts column is probably the hardest to find subs for because of this bond. Don't worry though, you won't find yourself shaved, duct taped and left in a broom closet (Although a shaved Boomkin may be entertaining) As long as Paragon is around you will have a job. I was entertained by the column. I can see it being difficult for all class columnist today. With all the information out there, most people have already obtained the latest information on their class by the time the weekly class column comes out.
I think that is why Christian nails it. He knows we know where we are. So he throws some interesting comedy that we can all relate to. Makes for a good read after a week of reading strats, bis lists, rawr, simcrafting, watching videos etc. There is a good mix of information for the casuals, the starters, and the progression guys/gals.
All in all a very broad audience that I personally imagine it being very difficult to reach but we all have common - We play / played WoW, and everyone likes a good laugh.
Thanks for filling in for the week. :)
Tsaavik Jul 25th 2011 2:08PM
In the future I think many of us would prefer that the column just be skipped a week, rather than waste the writer AND reader's time with fluff like this.
I don't blame Tyler for this, he was asked to fill in (I'm assuming very last-minute), so he did.
raven.quiet.storm Jul 25th 2011 3:13PM
Yea, I'd easily have tolerated the article as something interesting or a change up that is tolerable if it offered something. No news, no useful information, just a long running joke about Mages being useless. I mean, Archmage bashes and has a lot of fun but he GIVES knowledge. He doesn't just write "Warlocks suck hahaha" and ends the article, for instance, one was on the gear we should want from FL, last one was on the pervasiveness of the one button mage myth and various musings on it, one was on the arcane mage changes, etc.
bluesky_v2.01 Jul 25th 2011 3:39PM
I don't get it. Not funny, and a little bit insulting actually.
Daedalus4096 Jul 26th 2011 1:52AM
Y'know, Tyler, I actually enjoyed the article. Not laugh-out-loud hilarious by any means, but amusing enough to crack a wry grin. This follow-up comment, though? That's kind of a dick move, man. You're not writing for yourself here. Writing humor is supposed to at least try to make the reader laugh, not just the writer. Anything less is just common, juvenile trolling. Next time someone asks you for a favor by covering for an absence, don't use it as an excuse to deliberately churn out drek for the sake of a cheap, selfish laugh. If that's all you're after, just say no and let him/her find someone else. That person's readers deserve better.
Matthew Jul 26th 2011 4:44PM
All the people who feel "insulted" and that this article was "condescending" need to lighten up. You people are feeling insulted over a class you play IN A VIDEO GAME. If you feel so slighted, you really, REALLY need to find more important things to do with your time.
banebreak Jul 26th 2011 4:58PM
Tyler,
Sorry you got the business end of the glass cannon factory. Mages are a touchy sort, conditioned to overreacting to perceived threats. When you die in under 3 seconds on an hourly basis, you really have to get on the offense in a hurry if you hope to survive. I know that's no excuse for rude treatment after you were being kind and doing a favor for our fearless leader, and I'm in no position to apologize for others. I would like to offer some helpful tips of how to keep the explosive, frosty, and arcaney-bursty folks from going all frothy again:
1) Mention a lack of cladding on one's loins. It's funny because it's true.
2) At least one poop joke, artistically worded with lots of alliteration.
3) Distract them with links to sexy loot. Spirit is not sexy, FYI.
4) Watch a few Aronofsky films, stay with about that level of obscure/zany while writing.
5) Obiwan was wrong, it wasn't only the sith that deal in absolutes. When done writing, change all positives and negatives to the highest superlatives or pejoratives you can find in the thesaurus.
6) If you do catch the thesaurus, ride him like Zorro. He's a pretty dinosaur and breaks like the wind.
michael2907 Jul 28th 2011 8:15AM
Completely disgusting AB article. Who let you near the PC? Please go play Hello Kitty Island Adventure, you don't deserve to even be a substitute for this post...
hbcirce Jul 29th 2011 5:40PM
I know this was meant to be funny and no harm was intended but, this went a bit too far.
phillyphan801 Aug 9th 2011 10:33AM
Come to my realm and I'll melt the fur of your overweight Foghorn Leghorn lookin' behind.
I lol'd a lot tho, so 9/10 for style points.
:D