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Drama Mamas: Rivals for love

Drama Mamas Lisa Poisso and Robin Torres are experienced gamers and real-life mamas -- and just as we don't want our precious babies to be the ones kicking and wailing on the floor of the checkout lane next to the candy, neither do we want you to become known as That Guy on your realm.

Good friends vying for the attentions of the same woman -- it's a tale as old as time and certainly not new to WoW.

We also have an announcement: This is the last Drama Mamas column ...

... on Friday. (That was a total drama queen move, wasn't it?)

Anyway, we're moving to Mondays starting next week.
Dear Drama Mamas,

I'm part of a casual guild with some very pleasant members. This isn't my first guild I've mixed with and I have a feeling that this won't be my last. We are one of the largest guild on the server apparently and have some really sociable members and we like to have chats. There was even a real life meet aeons ago. This guild has helped through some dark times in the last few years with some great help and hope.

So, great people and great times but there's a girl, there's always a girl, lets call her S.H. I don't want to break her heart so i won't try but would give it to her within moments without hesitation. She's also half the world away and has very clearly stated that she doesn't want a relationship derived from the game. I don't blame her. I can see why and want to be able to find something in real life just as much.

So, she's single, cute and plays World of Warcraft, meaning every guy with a heartbeat that plays wants, which has caused a rift between me and a friend (lets call him D.T.). D.T. and I have a friendship that's always been open and honest and we make comments at each other a lot, some snide some not so polite either. We're all officers within the same guild. We all talk to each other fairly openly (perhaps too openly really) and share woes with our lives and give each other hope when all is lost.

Recently D.T. has taken the flirting too far. I have a feeling that S.H. has been trying to avoid D.T. but hasn't openly said. But when intuition tells me something is irritating her, it's usually right. Then recently D.T. and I had a minor argument during a raid which got extremely heated and out of hand very rapidly and rather childish. Then a few days ago, I mention that D.T. got one up'd in guild chat he comes at me and says don't make him look bad and try to stop making snide comments. I'll admit I am not the quickest or smartest guy to walk on this planet, but when a typically casual joke between us gets taken the wrong way because S.H. is online makes me feel like there's something very clear to my eyes which saddens me. I know we both would like a chance with S.H. but at the risk of destroying something greater than ourselves worries me.

I cannot thank you enough for this,

Does Not Stand a Chance in Hell

Drama Mama Robin: Chance, I've got two harsh things to say to you:
  1. You don't really know when S.H. is getting irritated unless she tells you. Your intuition being "usually right" is not always right, by your own admission. It really seems like you are projecting your irritation on her, regardless of her real feelings. Also, saying that you know by intuition when she is irritated at someone's flirting with her is a little creepy.
  2. A person on the internet (and in the physical world) will often make a blanket statement like "I don't want a relationship derived from X" because she is specifically not interested in a relationship with you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings by making it more personal.
While Harsh Statement #2 is true, it is also a reason for hope. If you respect her wishes and become a good friend, you may discover that S.H.'s declaration of no WoW romance is not as firm as you thought, and you may reap the benefits. Or you may find her confiding in you that she is willing to throw over her declaration for someone else, like D.T. ... Rollercoaster of love, indeed.

So you really need to think about your friendship with D.T. If you were to succeed with S.H., if he were to succeed with S.H., if Lolegolas were to succeed with S.H. -- would these outcomes affect your friendship differently? Is your relationship now irrevocably based on a not-quite-so-friendly rivalry for S.H.'s affections? If you don't think your friendship can survive either of you having success with S.H., you may want to morph your relationship from close-ish friends to cool acquaintances now. FYI: Banding together to hate Lolegolas, should he become S.H.'s S.O., is a recipe for guild drama, among other bad things. I don't recommend that as a basis for a friendship, either.

While you're thinking, there is one thing you can do to make things more comfy now:

Keep all possibly incendiary comments out of public chat. That means no more chiding, arguing (no matter how minor), joking at someone's expense, etc. If you have something funny to say to D.T., do it in tells. Regardless of whether S.H. remains single or not, your friendship is not going to survive sniping at each other publicly -- and I am certain it's bringing the rest of the guild down, too.

Drama Mama Lisa: All good advice, all good ... What I'm wondering, No Chance, is how you think you would handle a relationship with S.H.

Let's look over the facts: She's made it clear that she's not interested in a long-distance relationship (whether that's with you or in general), and you state right off the bat that you "don't want to break her heart" so you "won't try." You also say that you can understand her feelings and are also looking for a relationship based outside the game world, yourself. Fair enough. Two nice people too far apart; wrong situation, wrong time ...

... So remind me again, why are you still sniffing around?

Thing is, No Chance, seeing ol' D.T. making his own moves doesn't change your situation in the slightest. You're out, so back off. You've got no dog in this hunt.

It sounds like the thing you're actually most concerned with is your friendship with D.T. Bingo! You've got the idea, No Chance, but let me spell it out for you in black and white: Quit harshing your friend's mellow. Let the dude get his shot at something that's not right for you.

Like Robin, I was equally irritated by your remarks about S.H.'s level of irritation. This is a girl who has already clearly, capably communicated her feelings about relationships with you. I sincerely doubt she needs assistance from you doing the same with anyone else. No princesses in need of saving here that I can see ... In fact, as far as I can tell, there's nothing at all to see here ... So move along, No Chance, move along!

Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at robin@wowinsider.com.

Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Guilds, Drama Mamas

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