Breakfast Topic: How do you blend marriage and playing WoW?
by Amelia Ramstead 
Aug 2nd 2011 at 8:00AM
My husband and I have both been playing WoW for several years. He was playing before me, then I got hooked. We take turns surpassing each other in levels and achievements. We like to roll starter toons together and try to choose complementary classes. We both belong to the same guild. Although the WoW portion of our relationship tends to be pretty harmonious, we have each been known to occasionally roll anonymous characters on a different server to get a little bit of quiet time.
WoW is something we both love, although we each tend to focus on different aspects of the game, and it's always good for a conversation topic when we don't feel like talking about what the heck we're going to do about the kids or griping about our jobs. We communicate our in-game plans, and when one of us wants to raid, we schedule it so that the other one is available to deal with any kid-related crises that come up.
Does your spouse or partner play the game? How do you guys make it work? Do you take turns, or do you spend every online moment together as a team? Are you competitive and try to constantly outdo each other, or are you as lovey online as you are in real life?
Filed under: Breakfast Topics, Guest Posts
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 5)
all8280bcc Aug 2nd 2011 8:08AM
This has been the probnlem with WOW for me. My fiance' hates games. I means absolutely despises games. So I hvae to find a way to balance that and when we get married it will be a whole new trick. I will have to find a few hours daily to myself but this will be a unique task because she wants me to sit around and talk all day. Balancing is always a trick and I hope other have better luck than I.
Joeb Aug 2nd 2011 8:13AM
I found it best to have a scheduled block of time or a night where you get to play. Outside those hours you just have to make sure you are attentive to your spouse. :)
Moobs Aug 2nd 2011 8:48AM
I get my 12 or so, hours a week. Two evenings and Sat morning/afternoon (approx 6 hours).
This has been the agreement since day one for WoW in my household, My wife thinks that these types of games are for kids, not adults.
Set a schedule and try to stick to it, it will balance out in the end, I speak from 5 years of experience with this model!
Divy Aug 2nd 2011 9:32AM
@all8280bc I have the same situation. My wife and I have been married two years and she HATES WoW. Mainly because there have been times when I prioritized it over us spending time together - which is not the way to do it. Talk to her and agree on a night or two each week you would like to play, and you will likely find some other time here and there as well. It's important to make sure you fulfill your role as a spouse before you spend your time playing. It's just like any hobby. If you spent all your time on the golf course, she probably wouldn't be happy either :)
imm110 Aug 2nd 2011 9:42AM
This has been a huge point of contention between my wife and I. First of all, while I didn't play WoW before I got married, I played various other games. She knew this, but somehow had expectations that "I would change" once I got married. You want a pro tip (for both you and her)? Neither of you will change significantly once you're married.
You will still probably want to play video games.
She will still probably hate video games.
Step 1. Have this conversation before you're married, because if you let it just build up over time, the fallout will just get uglier and uglier.
THERE IS GOOD NEWS!!! While I made the mistake of not having this discussion, I saved my marriage anyway.
First of all, the real issue is that your fiancee/wife wants to feel special and that you care about her and that you're *WANT* to spend time with her. And when you CHOOSE video games instead of spending time with her, she feels like she's 2nd-best.
Her feelings here aren't invalid. But yours aren't invalid either. You DO love her, you DO want to spend time with her. But you also want personal time to do something you enjoy. If you explain this in a rational way, she should be willing to agree at this point to a compromise.
Exactly WHAT you compromise is up to you, but here's how I did it:
We sat down and mapped out our week. For the next 7-10 days, we mapped out chores, time with family/friends/kids, "make-love" times, PERSONAL TIME (good for you), JUST-YOU-TWO TIME (good for her).
Believe it or not... here is what happened:
1. We were far more selective (efficient) about watching TV.
2. By planning chores ahead of time, it eliminated all nagging to do them.
3. It also eliminated any feelings of the burden imbalance between the two of us.
4. We get together more often with friends & family.
5. We make love more often (earlier in the evenings too, when neither one is tired).
6. We spend more time together, doing fun/engaging activities.
7. She REALLY enjoys seeing it on the schedule because then she can get all excited about it.
8. And because of everything above, when I have personal time scheduled, she is more than happy to let me enjoy it guilt-free.
Now, specifically WHEN I schedule personal time is going to be different for everyone, but I have 1 personal night per week that starts at 8pm (shortly after the baby goes to sleep), and goes til 1am. On the rest of the nights per week, my wife goes to bed around 10pm, so I get more personal time from 10pm-1am (which is perfect because this doesn't impact her AT ALL). And about once per week (not on a sex-night), I'll tell her I'm not going to play, I'm going to go to bed early with her --- and she loves that --- and I usually get an extra night of sex for FREE.
Win, win, win, win, win, win.
I am a happy man, and now my family is happier too.
all8280bcc Aug 2nd 2011 11:31AM
@IMM110
Great idea we are actually going through most of those negotations right now. She wants me to play for an hour a week. Probably not going to happen I figure late night 2 to 3 times a week when she is off to bed. That way it never impacts her. I understand her points but mine are also valid too. Thanks for the advise. I will definatley be sneaking them into future talks about this.
Caliea Aug 2nd 2011 11:49AM
Imm - that's a great post, but I have one correction. It's based on advice I got when I was about to be married 13 years ago.
"When a couple gets married, the guy doesn't think the girl will ever change, and the girl thinks the guy will. They're both wrong"
imm110 Aug 2nd 2011 12:12PM
@ all8280bcc -- I have two responses to your response:
(1) Addressing this issue head-on is better than sneaking in little bits. You want clear resolution and agreement from both sides before moving forward. Otherwise neither of you can reference back to this conversation and remind each other what was agreed upon. Sure, either of you can always request a re-negotiation (that's marriage), but that's different than claiming there was never a solid agreement to begin with.
(2) She doesn't really want you to only play 1-hour. She wants you to play 0-hours. But in REAL-reality... It's not how many hours your are playing... It's all about: "are you taking care of your other responsibilities in the relationship?" That's why our solution was mapping out our weeks. After mapping everything out, you look at it together and ask -- How does this look to you? I think this addresses both of our needs -- can we try this for a week, and then discuss afterwards how it worked? I think you'll both be pleased with how this works. For me? She now trusts me to just make and post the schedule all by myself, and she just goes along with whatever I decide.
(I think one of the largest problems in marriages is a lack of willingness to calmly/rationally approach differences, communicate what you REALLY want, and most importantly LISTEN to your partner to find out what she REALLY needs.)
imm110 Aug 2nd 2011 12:25PM
ARGH -- I keep forgetting to add the most important part of all this:
If WoW ceased to exist, there would be other video games... if all video games ceased to exist, there would be sports/TV... if I broke my legs and TV ceased to exist, there would be books... if books ceased to exist, I would pick up art/music or something...
The point is... I am the type of person that needs 'personal time' to pursue... whatever I want to pursue. I will be that way for the rest of my life, and for now, it's WoW, but that will change.
You are entitled to 'personal time', and as long as it's legal, it shouldn't matter what activity it is. Your only obligation is to recognize that you have other higher priorities to address first, and that this hobby shouldn't destroy those other aspects of your life.
If you're anything like me, then it's worth having this conversation NOW, because it's not about WoW... it's about WHO YOU ARE, and your need for 'Personal Time'. THAT'S why it's important to have this discussion before you are married.
The discussion just has very little to do with WoW, and more to do with the personal needs for both of you. You both need to agree to enter a life-long marriage understanding, addressing, and meeting the needs of the BOTH of you.
sporkwind Aug 2nd 2011 1:01PM
You know it was much the same when I first got married.
My wife hadn't seen too many games before and thought all games were stupid. So for the first year or two of my marriage it could get a little tense to want to take some time out to game and vedge a bit.
Then I got into WoW with a friend from college and his wife who was also a fresh gamer. She'd see us playing and didn't understand what I saw in it.
Then I did the unthinkable, "Hey you should play this too." It took a little convincing, some in-depth tutorials, and a fair amount of patience for her, but my wife now has two max level characters. Makes craptons more gold than me, heals like a fiend, has downed Nefarion and others, and she's interested in other games as well.
It's changed our marriage in a good way since that tense wall between us has become a shared passion that I wouldn't give up for anything. Being able to cooperatively play with my wife has changed my perspective on gaming for the better.
wow Aug 2nd 2011 1:05PM
Thankfully, I don't have this particular problem. The problem we have is competing for bandwidth. hehe. She plays PWI and I play WoW. Until AT&T activates Uverse where I live, we will continue to banter back and forth for DSL bandwidth. I usually let her play and I play when she sleeps or goes to visit friends. :)
It sucks to have low bandwidth for games. :(
Shinanji
Nina Katarina Aug 2nd 2011 8:06AM
Badly. My husband doesn't play, it's an ongoing struggle.
Joeb Aug 2nd 2011 8:09AM
LOL! I'm glad this made it to the Tuesday morning post! I've been playing wow since before I even met my wife. Unfortunately, she absolutely hates the game but I've been a game my entire life since the Atari. She used to get on my case about playing wow bit now I think she has accepted it. I don't get to raid every night with my guild but at least I can raid some nights and my guild is understanding of that. My guild jokes around about getting her to play wow but that'll never happen. She'll play Wii about once every six months!
MattKrotzer Aug 2nd 2011 8:10AM
My wife doesn't play WoW. It's a tricky balancing act at times, making sure to give her the time she needs, as well as fulfilling my responsibilities around the house, while still making necessary time for my guild's raid schedule.
I get Tuesday and Wednesday for raiding, she gets me for Thursday, and Fridays are up in the air as to whether we'll have a raid or not. Weekends are sometimes for WoW, but mostly for doing stuff together. Mondays we spend together most of the time, but usually I'm in-game by 9:00 for the Monday wrap-up raid.
Greg Aug 2nd 2011 8:14AM
We play together, side by wide. We raided in server first guilds, and in casual friends guilds. We PVPd and auction house gamed our way through the last 5 years of WoW.
And while I'm deployed, we run heroics together to keep in touch. Skype is nice, but I'll take ventrilo and WoW and day.
razion Aug 2nd 2011 8:15AM
My girlfriend has tried WoW, but she really doesn't care for the game's graphics--she says it's too cartoony. And with that, I'll agree with her--however, I love it. She, not so much. Despite this, she's told me that if she could afford the subscription, she would be playing, so I don't think I'm too clear on her position on the game, but I like to think she's willing to do more on her own if given the chance.
I'll share the odd story with her of good times I'll have in PvP, battlegrounds, city raids, neat lore things, and so on, and she'll let me because I love talking about it. In retrospect, she loves dresses (Angelic Pretty variety) and she likes to talk about those a bit, and I'll be there to listen to her.
We both share our own set of interests, some of which are similar (we both like the occasional game or anime, which we can geek out over together) and some of which aren't (WoW and dresses).
I think it's healthy to have a few things you can talk about, and to have a couple things you can have to yourself. As far as I can tell, we're happy as a pair of clams, and I couldn't ask for anything better.
Angus Aug 2nd 2011 8:16AM
It used to be she was the tank and I healed or killed things, then it was me tanking and her healing, now I am still the tank and she burns them down with demonic fire.
Once her new toon hits the level cap, we'll gear her up and she'll be raiding again.
We take care of the boys before game, have a night a week as "cuddle while watching a movie" night and try clean/prepare for the next big thing once or twice a week.
She has her weekly tabletop games and I have other stuff I can do.
ajdinorcia Aug 2nd 2011 8:18AM
My soon to be husband and I both play, but our time varies. Usually in the same guild, same raid team but on occasion if one of us finds a better opportunity we'll do our own thing. We have a very different play style though, I enjoy leveling alts and achievement hunting while he's just fine having his 85 hunter and jumping off things then using rocket boost to see if he can survive....men.
Philster043 Aug 2nd 2011 8:37AM
Men can be pretty ridiculous achievement-hunting altoholics. :o
I think your guy's just one of a kind. :D
Caliea Aug 2nd 2011 8:19AM
I was the one that started playing WoW, and got my husband interested after he saw me leveling my baby toon up a bit. We originally both played on my account (shhh... don't tell Blizz!), so we had to take turns, but that soon got old, so he got his own account and we rolled toons on the same server.
Overall it's great fun to play together. We tend to have the same goals and it's nice to always have a partner to hang out with. Occasionally it does cause some tension. He tends to get frustrated when I wander away from him in a BG, especially when he's healing and wants to make sure I"m covered. And our playstyles can be different at times, so we've had a few kinks to work out. I also tend to be a bit more obsessive about playing , so I have had to learn to cool it and take a few nights during the week to just cuddle on the couch together.
Overall though, it's wonderful. Like Amelia said, it's a nice change of pace of convo from the mundane tasks of kids, chores, bills, etc. And I love that we have geeky WoW jokes that we can share with each other.