Drama Mamas: When drama follows you to a new guild
by Robin Torres 
Sep 19th 2011 at 1:00PM
This week's letter is all about careless whispers.
Recently, I left a guild I had been raiding with for 2-3 months, most of us had gotten really close doing BWD/BoT progression and now Firelands. We have a certain female in our group who insists on every single thing said, giving a sexual responce to. Now we have minors in the guild and some of them happen to raid with us, and not knowing how old the pugs were I feel as the comments are wildly inappropriate. (Not counting when she decides to say things to my husband.)
We pulled a BWD last friday night using alts and pugs from trade, she lets out a few comments so I asked her in officer chat to "please stop with the comments you don't know who's in our group." Basically she ignores me and continues on with what she wants to do. This is something I've brought up to the GM a few times because a few of the minors in that guild were my husband's younger siblings. He always said " yeah i'll take care of it." I finally realize that meant nothing because he had been friends with this girl for quite some time.
Now later Friday night I get a call from the GM freaking out because the girl and another guy have left the guild " because of you ". I told him what had happened, at least my version of it, so he calmed down and decided he would talk to them tomorrow to get them to come back.
Saturday I made the decision to leave guild due to the highschool drama and all the bickering over who gets loot. I left on good terms, explained to the GM why and that I wasn't mad and would still raid with them on alts. I moved over to a guild with a few people I had met while I was leading pugs for my alts. Later that night the GM whispers me asking what had happened in my old guild, why I had left, etc. I explained to him what had gone down and that was that.
Now yesterday he whispers me again, asking me why one of my old guildies would whisper him saying to not have me in guild, or atleast to watch out for me because " all she does is cause drama ". Right now, of course I want to be mad and call him out on it, but i realize that would just bring about more pointless drama-- the REASON I left that guild in the first place.
How can I stop them from trying to give me a bad name to my new guild, or other potential guilds, without just causing more drama?
Drama Mama Lisa: Short and sweet -- you can't. Sticky, wet strings of quivering drama is why you left your first guild in the first place, and nothing you can do will change how these folks roll.Unfortunately, you lost your initiative roll for this encounter when the rumormongers got to your new guild leader before you did. Whenever there's sticky drama about, coming clean up front is almost always the best policy.
But there's still a way you can grab this bull by the horns. Have another talk with your new GM. Briefly reiterate that the reason you left your previous guild was to escape a social culture that made you uncomfortable -- specify sexual innuendo around minors, so he'll realize that this wasn't a case of interpersonal drama -- as well as the ongoing flood of drama he's now getting from your former guildmates. Explain that while you'd hoped to keep your alts in the old group, you can see now that a friendly parting of ways is not going to be so easy, and ask whether or not he'd be OK with your transferring your alts into this new group as well.
Under absolutely no circumstances should you allow this conversation to devolve into a he-said, she-said exposé. Stick to the basics and present yourself in a frank, honest, drama-free manner. Your goal here is not to rehash or defend yourself against what your new GM is already hearing but to present an entirely new situation -- a desire to transfer in your alts -- in a way that shows you're actively trying to avoid drama in a discreet, mature manner. This is your chance to win that initiative roll you lost at the outset.
Worst case: Your GM's already been poisoned by the whisperers and is too dubious about you now to be comfortable keeping you on the rosters. You could always ask him to give you a predetermined trial period, as lengthy as you're both comfortable with, to prove yourself. Or if you don't have strong feelings about sticking with this particular group -- or you'd prefer to simply start fresh -- you can simply untag all your characters from both groups and shake off every last drop of drama. If you choose to go solo for a while, be sure to bring up (as in "mention," not "detail") your reason for having untagged from both of these groups to any potential GMs you might discuss guild membership with.
No matter what you do, please get your alts out of that old guild. That's a toxic atmosphere. And even if apologies get made and feathers get smoothed, you'll still be left mucking about in the same innuendo and loot issues that made you uncomfortable in the first place. Don't leave your fate in the hands of these drama queens. Get thee to higher ground with all haste!
Drama Mama Robin: Let this be a lesson to you (and everyone else) to escape guilds at the first sign of inappropriate drama queen added to loot issues added to the guild leader promising one thing and doing another.If you should come across other full-blown drama queens in your current guild or any future guild, remember the following:
- You cannot change them (or anyone). Don't try. If you end up being a higher rank than a drama queen, you can punish any behavior that is against the guild rules, but it usually comes down to shape up or ship out.
- Any attention is good attention. Drama queens get attention by being inappropriate, and then they get even more by you calling them out on being inappropriate. Win/win!
- Drama queens like to collect admirers. Her inappropriate comments in public are invitations to even more inappropriate comments in private. Stringing admirers along to have a large number of supporters in all conflicts is what they do best. No committed relationship is out of bounds, as you saw by her comments to your husband. And often, husbands will flirt and offer support, thinking it's harmless -- causing so much pain and drama and ugh, what a mess.
There is a very slight chance that you can have a talk with your old GM and get him to convince the drama-mongers to stop and put in a good word for you with your new GM. It wouldn't hurt to make a calm, reasoned request. Otherwise, take Lisa's advice ... and good luck.
Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at robin@wowinsider.com.
Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Guilds, Drama Mamas
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 3)
Grovinofdarkhour Sep 19th 2011 1:13PM
"Sticky, wet strings of quivering drama"??!!
Innuendo, indeed!
eel5pe Sep 19th 2011 4:08PM
"The Todd, I'm getting really sick of the endless innuendo!"
"... in YOUR endo."
Grak Sep 20th 2011 5:23AM
/slap
The Todd: "Alright, Face-5!"
Ellesmere Sep 19th 2011 1:16PM
Speaking of careless whispers, have you seen the sexy sax man video?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GaoLU6zKaws&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Vorenos Sep 19th 2011 3:14PM
WHY WOULD ANYONE DOWN VOTE THIS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!? BEST VIDEO EVER? OR BEST VIDEO OF ALL TIME?!?!?!
Katherine Sep 19th 2011 6:46PM
I came here to post this! As well as reading the article of course - the drama mamas are always good value.
Watch the sexy saxman video!
jtrack3d Sep 19th 2011 1:19PM
This is why Officer Quarters always says... have guild rules.
In this case, unless there were guild rules, you really have little grounds to complain. You could ask the GM to discuss and create rules on this sexual behavior, and then, if you disagree, decide to stay or go. However, calling out for action on something that doesn't break rules, just makes you a whiner even if I agree.
In our guild, we had a guy who "found God" and decided he didn't want to hear the F-bomb on vent. He didn't get on vent and missed lots of 5-mans because of it. Then, he complained we leave him out of everything. I told him he could get on vent and tolerate the F-Bombs, but from our perspective, we didn't change, he did.
In the questioners case, we don't know the guilds policy and even if she objected, her whining about it makes her the sourpuss. Rather than whine, ask for a clarification of policy on sexual discussions on vent and have the officers decide. Then, you can point to rules or leave based on not agreeing which either way is less drama.
SR Sep 19th 2011 2:15PM
I'm going to turn Satanist, and I'm also going to get offended with every mention of God and benevolence. I'm also going to be very butthurt about the things that suddenly offend me.
Fluufykins Sep 19th 2011 1:20PM
I'm sorry, but this entire situation is in such a mess because of your own inability to fit in with the group. If you don't like what she says, click Ignore. If you can't handle the fact that another woman speaks her mind or are threatened by another woman, tough crap. Learn to deal with it, or stop WoW. It's not going away, and you're largely the cause of your own stress.
You're the minority. Deal with it, or STFU and leave again. It really is that simple. If you weren't such a prude, this wouldn't be an issue. This is an insanely violent, sexually aware game. If you don't like it, then don't play. Or shut your chat off. My god woman, we (the rest of the world) is not going to change because one prude demanded that we do so. If you can't handle another woman (who already had the sense to leave the guild BEFORE you to escape your annoying prudishness), that's your own insecurity. Deal with it.
And for the record, ask your guildies. 100-1 says they agree that it's your fault, and you're an insecure, small-minded prude. I'm not saying this to be mean - I'm just sick of others trying to force their BS puritanical crap on the rest of us. Grow a pair and grow up for god's sake. Drama mama's are wrong for not directly telling you this. They're trying to tiptoe around the core issue and hepl you with what to do "now" after the damage is done, but they aren't going to risk their job here by telling you the simple truth. You're insecure and need to deal with that. It isn't WoW, it's you.
You're allowed to be a prude, that's fine. But don't expect others to coddle you over it. Sorry to have to be the one to splash cold water on your face, but based on what you've said, that's just how it is.
Nina Katarina Sep 19th 2011 1:26PM
I didn't get that from the letter at all. It sounds like this letter writer hit a nerve with you.
She has the right to feel the way she feels. She took the right step in leaving the guild where she felt uncomfortable. The other woman is wrong trying to chase her to this new place.
Innuendo is fine when everyone agrees to be part of that sort of group. But it's creepy around little kids. I don't know your background so I don't know why you're being so creepy yourself.
ambermist Sep 19th 2011 1:38PM
Wow, way to fail at reading comprehension.
Her concern was that she was speaking sexually in front of minors and to her husband. Those things are not appropriate. It has nothing to do with feeling threatened or prude; it has everything to do with the guild member failing to act appropriate in public. If one of my guildies was making sexual comments to my husband or in front of my kids, I would be irked, too. There are lines you don't cross.
If I had to guess, I'd say you're the person the letter-writer was speaking of or friends with them, and you sound extremely childish. Ask everyone else here, 100-1 says they think you're offbase.
gazimoff Sep 19th 2011 1:43PM
Way to miss the point.
If I'm in a guild where I know there's minors present (which is what she said) then I moderate my language and expect others to as well. Just like you wouldn't swear in front of your own or your friends' children, you don't do it over voice chat. Simple as. There's a line between prudish and being responsible for your own actions, with this erring on the side of being responsible. If she was asking people to tone it down on late night/after hours vent when the kids are in bed then that's another issue.
That said, I guess reading is hard for people with chips on their shoulders.
Drack Sep 19th 2011 1:44PM
This is... this just... ugh...
So, allow me to get this straight, if you think that someone being very sexual around (and possibly WITH) minors is creepy, or you don't like it when someone constantly hits on your significant other, you're a prude and your opinion doesn't matter?
Just... just wanted to make sure I'm understanding you here.
Sunaseni Sep 19th 2011 1:52PM
"Grow a pair and grow up for god's sake. "
You know, it's the people who insist to swear every other word or have innuendo all the time that are immature. Mature people understand they don't need swears to get their point across.
It's like how video games swearing every other word try to pass off as "mature", but end up sounding ridiculous.
bella Sep 19th 2011 1:57PM
You shouldn't have to ignore people IN YOUR GUILD. You also shouldn't have to worry, as parent, that some virtual slut can't keep her mouth closed around your children. You also shouldn't need to keep tabs on your husbands chat because some female-dog wants to feel like she could 'have your man'. You sir (or madam) are in the minority here. It has nothing to do with feeling threatened, it has everything to do with the image you are putting out about your guild and yourself. The writer did the everything right. She asked for the offender to stop her inappropriate comments, she then decided to leave when she realized that the guild culture was not what she wanted and then left on friendly terms by explaining in a calm manner why she was leaving. If you asked anyone in my guild, the porn star wanna be is the one who would be in the wrong and so would you.
wow Sep 19th 2011 2:21PM
@Fluufykins
Talk about off base. WoW. If that had happened to me or my wife, especially in front of minors, I'd also be contacting Blizz and reporting them.
If there were no minors around, then ya, we can roll with it, but when children are involved, sorry, you are out of line. It is inappropriate behavior in any situation where minors are concerned. And, yes, I have heard minors doing this too. I also report them.
Let me pose a question to you: Would you want your children to be exposed to that stuff while playing the game, or would you take steps to limit their exposure.
Shinanji
adamjgp Sep 19th 2011 4:03PM
I'll have to say that fluufykins went about presenting his(her?) point in the entirely wrong way, but the abstract idea of the argument does have merit.
You cannot expect anyone to have any shred of decency. It would be nice if we could expect other people to behave according to society's norms, but the fact of the matter is that people will behave however they want to behave.
I feel that the OP did the right thing in leaving the guild, however I do feel that it is not right to hold people to any standard. VMS (virtual mouth slut) here has as much right to spew her filth as OP had in telling her not to do it. VMS has no obligation to speak correctly in front of minors or to other peoples' significant others, just as we have no right to expect decent behavior from VMS.
I don't have children, but if I did, I wouldn't let them play WoW un-chaparoned. Just as I wouldn't let them enter IRC chatrooms, facebook, or any other type of electronic social media. In that regard, the onus is on the parent, and not VMS to ensure that rules are being followed
Bellajtok Sep 19th 2011 1:34PM
Fantastic column. I read it, I promise. It's just.... Look, more 4.3 info!
Gendou Sep 19th 2011 1:36PM
Guild rules are important.
And part of that is defining whether you are an adult-only guild or a family-friendly guild or something in-between.
It sounds like your guild didn't make that distinction, and different people had different viewpoints on what kind of guild you had.
Kylenne Sep 19th 2011 1:36PM
There's something that makes me really, really uncomfortable about Robin's last bullet point. It comes across as ridiculously sexist and slut-shaming.
Maybe it's because I come from a server where raunch is pretty much a part of our server culture, but I'm really disturbed by the implication that a woman who talks raunchy in guild chat is doing it just for male attention or is just one step away from being a HOMEWRECKER (ignoring, of course, that it takes two people to break up a relationship). First of all, not every woman on this game is trying to attract men. Secondly, some people are just natural flirts, regardless of gender, and it doesn't necessarily mean they're trying to get into someone's pants. I'm one of those raunchy chicks and it's just part of my personality. I'm also the type of person that shows affection by mercilessly teasing people. I'm somewhere between Margaret Cho and Lisa Lampanelli in temperament--but that doesn't mean. Most of my guildies are like that, and we have a mix of genders and orientations. It's just how we relate to one another, and it's all in good fun.
I sincerely doubt the plethora of dudes who talk blue on guild chat and elsewhere would earn this kind of criticism or wild conclusion jumping. When men do it, it's laughed off as "boys will be boys" locker room talk. When women do it, we're attention whores looking to break up marriages. I just...what? I really hope that's not what you were trying to imply, Robin, but that's honestly how that read to me.