This week's letter is all about careless whispers.
Recently, I left a guild I had been raiding with for 2-3 months, most of us had gotten really close doing BWD/BoT progression and now Firelands. We have a certain female in our group who insists on every single thing said, giving a sexual responce to. Now we have minors in the guild and some of them happen to raid with us, and not knowing how old the pugs were I feel as the comments are wildly inappropriate. (Not counting when she decides to say things to my husband.)
We pulled a BWD last friday night using alts and pugs from trade, she lets out a few comments so I asked her in officer chat to "please stop with the comments you don't know who's in our group." Basically she ignores me and continues on with what she wants to do. This is something I've brought up to the GM a few times because a few of the minors in that guild were my husband's younger siblings. He always said " yeah i'll take care of it." I finally realize that meant nothing because he had been friends with this girl for quite some time.
Now later Friday night I get a call from the GM freaking out because the girl and another guy have left the guild " because of you ". I told him what had happened, at least my version of it, so he calmed down and decided he would talk to them tomorrow to get them to come back.
Saturday I made the decision to leave guild due to the highschool drama and all the bickering over who gets loot. I left on good terms, explained to the GM why and that I wasn't mad and would still raid with them on alts. I moved over to a guild with a few people I had met while I was leading pugs for my alts. Later that night the GM whispers me asking what had happened in my old guild, why I had left, etc. I explained to him what had gone down and that was that.
Now yesterday he whispers me again, asking me why one of my old guildies would whisper him saying to not have me in guild, or atleast to watch out for me because " all she does is cause drama ". Right now, of course I want to be mad and call him out on it, but i realize that would just bring about more pointless drama-- the REASON I left that guild in the first place.
How can I stop them from trying to give me a bad name to my new guild, or other potential guilds, without just causing more drama?
Drama Mama Lisa: Short and sweet -- you can't. Sticky, wet strings of quivering drama is why you left your first guild in the first place, and nothing you can do will change how these folks roll.
Unfortunately, you lost your initiative roll for this encounter when the rumormongers got to your new guild leader before you did. Whenever there's sticky drama about, coming clean up front is almost always the best policy.
But there's still a way you can grab this bull by the horns. Have another talk with your new GM. Briefly reiterate that the reason you left your previous guild was to escape a social culture that made you uncomfortable -- specify sexual innuendo around minors, so he'll realize that this wasn't a case of interpersonal drama -- as well as the ongoing flood of drama he's now getting from your former guildmates. Explain that while you'd hoped to keep your alts in the old group, you can see now that a friendly parting of ways is not going to be so easy, and ask whether or not he'd be OK with your transferring your alts into this new group as well.
Under absolutely no circumstances should you allow this conversation to devolve into a he-said, she-said exposé. Stick to the basics and present yourself in a frank, honest, drama-free manner. Your goal here is not to rehash or defend yourself against what your new GM is already hearing but to present an entirely new situation -- a desire to transfer in your alts -- in a way that shows you're actively trying to avoid drama in a discreet, mature manner. This is your chance to win that initiative roll you lost at the outset.
Worst case: Your GM's already been poisoned by the whisperers and is too dubious about you now to be comfortable keeping you on the rosters. You could always ask him to give you a predetermined trial period, as lengthy as you're both comfortable with, to prove yourself. Or if you don't have strong feelings about sticking with this particular group -- or you'd prefer to simply start fresh -- you can simply untag all your characters from both groups and shake off every last drop of drama. If you choose to go solo for a while, be sure to bring up (as in "mention," not "detail") your reason for having untagged from both of these groups to any potential GMs you might discuss guild membership with.
No matter what you do, please get your alts out of that old guild. That's a toxic atmosphere. And even if apologies get made and feathers get smoothed, you'll still be left mucking about in the same innuendo and loot issues that made you uncomfortable in the first place. Don't leave your fate in the hands of these drama queens. Get thee to higher ground with all haste!
Drama Mama Robin: Let this be a lesson to you (and everyone else) to escape guilds at the first sign of inappropriate drama queen added to loot issues added to the guild leader promising one thing and doing another.
If you should come across other full-blown drama queens in your current guild or any future guild, remember the following:
- You cannot change them (or anyone). Don't try. If you end up being a higher rank than a drama queen, you can punish any behavior that is against the guild rules, but it usually comes down to shape up or ship out.
- Any attention is good attention. Drama queens get attention by being inappropriate, and then they get even more by you calling them out on being inappropriate. Win/win!
- Drama queens like to collect admirers. Her inappropriate comments in public are invitations to even more inappropriate comments in private. Stringing admirers along to have a large number of supporters in all conflicts is what they do best. No committed relationship is out of bounds, as you saw by her comments to your husband. And often, husbands will flirt and offer support, thinking it's harmless -- causing so much pain and drama and ugh, what a mess.
There is a very slight chance that you can have a talk with your old GM and get him to convince the drama-mongers to stop and put in a good word for you with your new GM. It wouldn't hurt to make a calm, reasoned request. Otherwise, take Lisa's advice ... and good luck.
Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at firstname.lastname@example.org.