Drama Mamas: WoW vs. relationship
by Robin Torres 
Oct 17th 2011 at 6:00PM
Neglect her once, shame on you. Neglect her multiple times ...
Dear Drama Mamas,
I have a little bit of real life drama that's preventing me from playing WoW. It goes like this, I started playing WoW shortly after release, I got to level 60 at a little below average speed but eventually got into a good raiding guild, though we never progressed past MC, I still had a lot of fun with them.
Soon after that, I started dating this wonderful girl who I could never convince to start playing, despite the fact that she's a gamer. It took until patch 3.1 before she finally broke down and bought the game, after setting up her account we both rolled characters and started playing together whenever we had the chance, and it was a blast! We both had so much fun playing together and she grew to adore pvp, things were great.
Then, I goofed up, big time. My guild started doing a lot of the high end raids of wrath, first Ulduar then ToC, I went into pure hardcore raid mode, if I wasn't in a raid, I was preparing for it. After a few months of this, my girlfriend started to feel not only neglected in WoW, but in real life too.
Fast forward a few more months, we moved in together, and I, for the most part, stopped playing. Things started to get really good between us again and we were really happy, however, at the time I had recently lost my job. After we lived together for a few weeks, my girlfriend went out of state to visit her extended family for a week, this was right when the patch that added the Lich King encounter into the game was released. So, as soon as she left, I hopped onto WoW and didn't stop playing that whole week, even though I promised her I was going to go job searching.
To make a long story short...ish... she came back and told me that I acted like the game was more important than her and that even when we did play together I always made it seem like I wanted to play more with my guildies than with her, after a long long long fight, she told me it was her or wow. I chose her, but, and I hate myself for admitting this, I was bitter.
It took me months to slowly realize that she was right, I did let myself get too drawn into the game and I never went out of my way to make it seem like I actually wanted to play with her, in reality I had some of the most fun in the game with her, farming for raptor hatchlings and dragon whelps, farming quest items together, we even got her first random world epic while questing together, I miss those times. I've tried to convince her of this in the past, but she said I was just saying that because I just wanted to play again.
It's approaching 2 years since I last logged on, and for awhile I really didn't feel any urge to play the game, even after Cataclysm hit. I haven't made any attempt to convince her to play for over a year now.
But the last few days I've been reading about patch 4.3, as well as all the things that have hit prior to it, and while yes, it has been making me want to dust off the old main and get him to 85, what I really want is to roll up new rooms with my girlfriend again and see all the changes that came with the Cataclysm. A lot of time has passed and we have made a few jokes about wow that she didn't appear to be bothered by at all, but I still don't know how to approach her and let her know that I want to play the game with her again, that I want to have that bonding experience with her once more.
I thank you for at least reading this,
Clueless Shaman
Drama Mama Lisa: OK, Clueless, let me slip this soft, fluffy clue right into your lap: the Blizzard Pet Store. Surprise your girlfriend with some sweet, snuggly WoW love. May I direct your attention to the plushies on page 2 that come with bonus in-game pet? That's your ticket, right there.I'm going to take you at your word. If you're playing straight with us with your intentions and desires, here's your boss strategy:
Once you've got her smiling with an armful of huggable WoW memories, come clean. There's nothing complicated here -- just tell her how you feel, already! Tell her that as consuming as hardcore raiding can be, what you miss most is playing with her. Remind her of some of your favorite moments. Point out how quick and easy playing casually has become in today's game. Reassure her that you're not interested in hardcore raiding with the big dogs, that your goal is to make a leveling partnership and share the game with her. Let her know that if she thinks it sounds like fun, she can reactivate her account, log in, and use the gift code to claim the matching in-game companion pet -- and if she's not interested, that this cute little fluffy is the end of it.
And then mean it.
(And if you don't really mean it or you can't stick with the plan: Shame on you, sir. Shame.)
Drama Mama Robin: The Spousal Unit and other significant others have performed the actions of Lisa's advice on occasion."Oh did I screw up again? Here, have a TARDIS; oh, and I'll deign to play with you again."
I plug in my toy a few times to hear the noise, play my high-level character with him a few times, and then it's back to his old antics. It's the same thing with spouses who cheat and then give flowers and jewelry. The cheated or neglected person in the relationship has to decide if he or she really wants to trust ... again ... and be hurt ... again. Or is it time to move on and break the cycle?
You seem to have more than just a gamer's love for WoW. You have a bit of a problem. It's one thing to prefer raiding to farming for pets. (Farming can become tedious no matter whom you are with -- completely understandable.) It's another to neglect really important responsibilities in order to be in Azeroth full time. Yes, job searching sucks. It and moving both make me go into the fetal position and hope that a fairy godmother will show up and make it all right. But you have to have employment to fulfill basic needs. Spending that week playing WoW wasn't just perturbing your girlfriend -- it was endangering your home and ability to provide food and clothing.
Your girlfriend has been burned multiple times, and I doubt that an admittedly adorable Wind Rider Cub (The Spawn calls hers Lionel) is going to make her forget that. If you are going to suggest this to her, you need to address her concerns beforehand. Have a strict gaming schedule ready that you will keep to. Add in non-gaming date nights as well as specific chore times. Use a tool that you both can share, such as Google Calendar, and make it clear that you know what your issues are with the game and that you are addressing them seriously. Be open to any changes she wants to make, and under no circumstances should you get defensive or pouty if she refuses.
I think it might be a better idea to forget World of Warcraft all together (even though patch 4.3 is tempting) and pick up another MMO with her to begin as a duo. There are a bajillion out there, and Star Wars: The Old Republic is coming up soon. Consider beginning anew where there is no emotional baggage. But still implement the schedule. You'll need it for your relationship and your possible addiction problem.
Good luck to you and let us know how this turns out.
Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at Robin@wowinsider.com.
Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Drama Mamas
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 4)
Massa Oct 17th 2011 6:10PM
You could also let her set up parental controls on your account. She can set up time limits or make it so you are only allowed to play a certain specified hours of the day (say you set up play dates on MWF from 6-8, she can make it so those are the only times you can even log in). That way she knows you won't go into the craziness of it all.
Yes it sucks getting kicked out of wow when your time is up, but if you know you don't have the self control, it's a nice way to keep you straight.
Pyromelter Oct 17th 2011 7:59PM
Better idea: Play a game that has an end. Maybe a board game, or a card game. Maybe a platformer, or a co-op FPS. Make sure it ends though. The journey is more important than the destination, to be sure... but for the journey to mean something, you need to have that destination.
Cheb Oct 17th 2011 8:06PM
No no no no no. Your girlfriend is not your mother. You need to have the self-control to manage your time properly. If you can't, don't start playing again.
Like Apathia said below, "A crackhead is still a crackhead if they are smoking just a little bit of crack, even if they are smoking it with someone they love"
Sahara Oct 17th 2011 10:58PM
I have been on the recieving end of this EXACT SAME SITUATION. Thankfully, it has had a good ending.
We used parental controls for a while. But what PC are good for is a TEMPORARY measure to help you learn your own self control. Like with most addictions, the only real changes will come from inside, and as many recovered addicts will confirm, the easiest way to do that is to avoid the addiction - even the temptation - altogether. Your Girlfriend cannot and should not have to act in place of your mother or watchdog. She has the right to say no, she doesn't even want to try.
Honestly, it was very very very hard to trust the Significant Other when he said that things were changed, that important life responsibilities wouldn't be neglected. He said that before (and meant it too! right up until something really important was ignored), but it is a burden of trust that, if there is even one slipup there's real and serious consequences not just to you but to the significant other too. You miss WoW, and that's real. You miss playing WoW with your girlfriend, and that's real too. But it sounds like its safer to pick something else, something short, something with a definite end, something that you can't easily go off and solo play without her, if that makes sense.
Don't jeopardize the good thing you've got going. Even my "happy ending" was full of a crap load of heartbreak, frustration, and anguish along the way. Sometimes makes me wonder if it was worth it.
Apathia Oct 17th 2011 6:19PM
You are not five, you have an awesome relationship or so you tell everyone, her ultimatum stands, do you want her or WoW?
A crackhead is still a crackhead if they are smoking just a little bit of crack, even if they are smoking it with someone they love
Noyou Oct 17th 2011 8:11PM
If you are lucky, in life you find maybe one or two people, who are worth spending time with. You found her dummy. Enjoy every second you can with her. No game, sport, profession, amount of money, etc. should come between it.
As for Massa or anyone else that thinks it's a productive relationship to have your gf/wife set up parental controls on your account to limit your time? That's absurd. I am not an expert on relationships but if you are counting on your wife to be your mommy, than it is set up for failure right there. If you can't handle it, and proven you can't just walk away.
jealouspirate Oct 17th 2011 6:27PM
In WoW vs Relationship, relationship should *ALWAYS* win.
I`d say forget the whole endeavour of returning to WoW. You`ve been away for two years, and it`s been good, right? Why mess with that considering the past?
If you`re being honest about enjoying your time with your girlfriend in WoW more than anything else in-game, guess what? You already have the best part of WoW without playing it - your girlfriend. You don`t need the game to have those fun, memorable bonding experiences together. Pick a new hobby, or a different game at least, for the two of you to experience together.
A lot of surface level stuff has changed in WoW, but ultimately it still runs on the same principles that so easily suck people in and lead them to neglect other aspects of their life. Every moment you play the game itself will be encouraging you to level, get gear, do heroics, do dailies, raid. Do do do. Grind every day. My advice in this case is not to play with fire.
Sleutel Oct 18th 2011 9:08AM
Be careful of universal statements. There are absolutely going to be times when WoW--or some other activity--is going to win out over a relationship. This is because *not all relationships are healthy ones,* and *not every person is your perfect match*. It's *okay* for partners to have separate activities and interests; you're not required to spend every waking moment with someone else. And sometimes, you're engaged enough in a hobby that you might want to ensure that you find a partner who shares it.
Always choosing some other activity over spending time together with your partner? That's a problem. But if a partner is objecting to a particular activity, when it only takes up a reasonable amount of time, just because they don't enjoy it, then the problem may be the partner.
For this couple, assuming the WoW fan can keep to a reasonable play schedule, it could be what Dan Savage refers to as a "price of admission" issue. The price of admission to the relationship for the girlfriend is that the boyfriend is going to be playing WoW for X hours every week; and the price of admission for the boyfriend is that he can't be on all night, every night. There has to be a happy, reasonable medium between "WoW 40 hours a week" and "no WoW ever."
domenceus Oct 18th 2011 4:04PM
@Sleutel: Yay Dan Savage reference! Looking at it from the other end though, it could be that the price of admission to keep dating the gf may be "stay away from things that led to problems in the past." To be honest, I haven't seen much that suggests that Clueless is the big catch here; it may be the gf who is the beloved here. We don't know. (Did Clueless get a new job?) But it would be good for them to have a sit down talk to hash out why WoW could be seen as a problem, and why it is desirable to play WoW specifically (as opposed to some other joint activity).
fordsc Oct 17th 2011 6:31PM
Try this. If what you really want to do is play with her and explore the new content. Then to prove that to her tell her that you will delete your main if she logs in with you. This way she knows that your not lying. Also, you could set a general rule that you wont play without her. Goodluck
Robert Oct 17th 2011 6:41PM
Hello Clueless Shaman,
I started WoW a week before 3.1. I instantly fell in love with the game. My first nine months playing were absolutely amazing. I was completely enthralled with exploring the world and the lore and meeting people in random places.
I didn't want to admit it at the time, but the game was having negative effects on my life. I flunked out of college because I spent 8 hours a day in Azeroth. I tried various means of controlling my hours, but they all only worked temporarily, if at all.
Meanwhile the game started to turn into a grind. My first guild merged with another guild, and the drama turned into a sticky mess. Fairly soon I had seen every inch of the map and quest grinds turned into rep grinds turned into "The Insane" grinds. Each patch became a rat race.
I made the decision to quit a few months ago, but I still frequent WoW news sites. Like you I see the news about 4.3 and am tempted to play.
But I need to be realistic here. WoW is, while pleasant, just a memory. Through repeated attempts to cut back on the hours I have shown to myself that I have no capability to control myself, and a return to Azeroth would result in more life-destroying instead of my present attempts to get myself a job and back into college.
If I had nothing to lose and nothing to do, then maybe I could self-indulge by spending my entire life on Azeroth. But real women are 100 times hotter than nelf chicks. For one, real women are alive, breathing, three-dimensional; while every nelf chick looks the same, isn't real, and her dance is the same every single time. Maybe the real woman wakes up with messed up hair, a face that looks like she was up all night, and clothes that don't match, but her faults are also part of what make her alive and beautiful.
In other words, if I had the choice between WoW and a girl, I'd pick the girl every single time.
And that's my advice to you. Yes, the memories are great, but when you return to visit you can't re-do the memory. The world changes whether you change with it or not. Enjoy the memory, and move on.
espiritudelfuego Oct 17th 2011 6:46PM
Look, basically if you can't moderate how much you do something it will always be trouble. IMO try playing something else with her, and if thats going well, admit your mistakes in wow, and say how you miss the stuff you did with her, and that what you got so into (that screwed stuff up) was foolish and you wish you'd never done that, because you'd have loved to keep playing with her.
Shinae Oct 17th 2011 6:50PM
I sympathize and identify with Clueless Shaman. My husband only plays intermittently (a couple months on after a patch then a few months off) and is not interested in raiding.
OTOH, I love raiding, and my account has been continously active since I started 4 years ago. I used to raid a lot during Wrath, to the point where it put a strain on my relationship with my husband. It took me getting a job to keep me from raiding so much. Since then, about a year ago, my raiding time has been reduced to just one night a week. I've found that we're both happy with that amount of raiding. I get to see content and still have 2 non-WoW nights each week to spend with him.
Clueless, perhaps you can work out a schedule that benefits you both, as Robin suggested. As long as you're meeting your responsibilities, there should be enough time in each week to spend with her ("date nights") and other times to spend in WoW. She's a gamer, so she can play on the console while you play on the computer. I hope you can work something out!
Draaka Oct 17th 2011 6:53PM
First off, I agree with jelouspirate, you said it's good, don't fuck it all up for a videogame, find a new hobby, or dust off an old one she has no emotional weariness of to fill some time.
Although...
If after whichever tactic above you choose, she is still nervous about you getting sucked into raiding again, promising her you will never level a toon above level 84. Worked for a friend of mine in a similar situation, Fiancée had to give up wow for work, she hated that he could still play around his work schedule and that they wouldn't be able to experience any of the cata raids together (they were both hardcore raiders through wrath it was kinda their "thing" that they always got boss firsts together) so he never got a toon above 84. Six months after cat came out, she got better work hours, they both downed raggy together for first time two weeks ago.
tau Oct 17th 2011 6:54PM
@Robert you flunked out of college for wow?? ......... At least your priorities got sorted out, now imagine what the world first people do .... They raid what 40 hours a week or something stupid like that..... You can't put that on a resume
Matthew Oct 17th 2011 6:54PM
Honey,
You're addicted. You can rationalize wanting to get in the game for lots of new colorful sparkly reasons.
But you are an addict.
(I am too, I'm not judging you).
Stay the F^&* away from this game or you will no longer have a relationship.
I'm actually a bit surprised neither Robin nor Lisa suggested that you no longer play any MMO's. But it is my heartfelt rec that you do not.
ENJOY your girlfriend! Play games together! But avoid those that can enthrall you.
Good luck.
-ME
(PS I do have an advanced degree in mental health so I'm not just speaking from personal but professional experience)
terph Oct 17th 2011 8:56PM
Yeah, wholeheartedly agree. Don't play any MMOs again. Stick to games with an end. There's tons of great 2 player adventures that you can play together that you can put away at the end of the day. Check out this site, it lets you filter by platform, number of players, playstyle, etc.
http://www.co-optimus.com/
lady.silverdragon Oct 17th 2011 9:34PM
I absolutely concur. At this point, it would be detrimental to your relationship and mental health if you played this or another MMO. I think you SHOULD tell your GF about these urges, and possibly seek therapy if they begin to get overwhelming (I'm not saying they are at that point now, just if they reach that point).
Gulthor Oct 17th 2011 9:55PM
I can understand missing those moments and how much having a hobby together was a wonderful thing - I have to agree with the consensus of finding a new, fun hobby, preferably together.
WoW could potentially make you lose out on the person you love. As someone who unintentionally made that mistake, let me tell you - you'll miss HER far more than you'll miss playing WoW with her.
Amara Oct 17th 2011 7:00PM
I know this is a WoW site and all, but I think if you are serious about wanting to game with her then you should suggest another game altogether. Maybe try a WoW-style clone like Rift or if she loves Jedi as much as I do, get her SW:TOR for Christmas.
You honestly sound like you want to play WoW again, not play with her. You want to see all the shiny new content and while you want to experience it with her, it seemed the later is more an after thought.
Personally, if you came up to me with a Wyvern (they are cute, I have him, the gryphon and a pink murloc on my desk) saying 'lets play WoW again', it will bring up all the past again. Suggesting a new MMO to play together won't. You have no chance of running into old Raiding friends, you can still experience a new game playing together etc. You hurt her mate, you have to live with the consequences even if that means never visiting your addiction again.
Don't worry to much if you are dead-set on playing WoW again. Most other MMOs make me re-sub back to WoW anyway. She might be the same and say 'this is fun but want to try WoW together again?' Which I think is the important thing here. Gaming together can be your idea but to play WoW together again should be hers.