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All of the latest Mists of Pandaria newsDrama Mamas: WoW vs. relationship
by Robin Torres 
Oct 17th 2011 at 6:00PM
Neglect her once, shame on you. Neglect her multiple times ...
Dear Drama Mamas,
I have a little bit of real life drama that's preventing me from playing WoW. It goes like this, I started playing WoW shortly after release, I got to level 60 at a little below average speed but eventually got into a good raiding guild, though we never progressed past MC, I still had a lot of fun with them.
Soon after that, I started dating this wonderful girl who I could never convince to start playing, despite the fact that she's a gamer. It took until patch 3.1 before she finally broke down and bought the game, after setting up her account we both rolled characters and started playing together whenever we had the chance, and it was a blast! We both had so much fun playing together and she grew to adore pvp, things were great.
Then, I goofed up, big time. My guild started doing a lot of the high end raids of wrath, first Ulduar then ToC, I went into pure hardcore raid mode, if I wasn't in a raid, I was preparing for it. After a few months of this, my girlfriend started to feel not only neglected in WoW, but in real life too.
Fast forward a few more months, we moved in together, and I, for the most part, stopped playing. Things started to get really good between us again and we were really happy, however, at the time I had recently lost my job. After we lived together for a few weeks, my girlfriend went out of state to visit her extended family for a week, this was right when the patch that added the Lich King encounter into the game was released. So, as soon as she left, I hopped onto WoW and didn't stop playing that whole week, even though I promised her I was going to go job searching.
To make a long story short...ish... she came back and told me that I acted like the game was more important than her and that even when we did play together I always made it seem like I wanted to play more with my guildies than with her, after a long long long fight, she told me it was her or wow. I chose her, but, and I hate myself for admitting this, I was bitter.
It took me months to slowly realize that she was right, I did let myself get too drawn into the game and I never went out of my way to make it seem like I actually wanted to play with her, in reality I had some of the most fun in the game with her, farming for raptor hatchlings and dragon whelps, farming quest items together, we even got her first random world epic while questing together, I miss those times. I've tried to convince her of this in the past, but she said I was just saying that because I just wanted to play again.
It's approaching 2 years since I last logged on, and for awhile I really didn't feel any urge to play the game, even after Cataclysm hit. I haven't made any attempt to convince her to play for over a year now.
But the last few days I've been reading about patch 4.3, as well as all the things that have hit prior to it, and while yes, it has been making me want to dust off the old main and get him to 85, what I really want is to roll up new rooms with my girlfriend again and see all the changes that came with the Cataclysm. A lot of time has passed and we have made a few jokes about wow that she didn't appear to be bothered by at all, but I still don't know how to approach her and let her know that I want to play the game with her again, that I want to have that bonding experience with her once more.
I thank you for at least reading this,
Clueless Shaman
Drama Mama Lisa: OK, Clueless, let me slip this soft, fluffy clue right into your lap: the Blizzard Pet Store. Surprise your girlfriend with some sweet, snuggly WoW love. May I direct your attention to the plushies on page 2 that come with bonus in-game pet? That's your ticket, right there.I'm going to take you at your word. If you're playing straight with us with your intentions and desires, here's your boss strategy:
Once you've got her smiling with an armful of huggable WoW memories, come clean. There's nothing complicated here -- just tell her how you feel, already! Tell her that as consuming as hardcore raiding can be, what you miss most is playing with her. Remind her of some of your favorite moments. Point out how quick and easy playing casually has become in today's game. Reassure her that you're not interested in hardcore raiding with the big dogs, that your goal is to make a leveling partnership and share the game with her. Let her know that if she thinks it sounds like fun, she can reactivate her account, log in, and use the gift code to claim the matching in-game companion pet -- and if she's not interested, that this cute little fluffy is the end of it.
And then mean it.
(And if you don't really mean it or you can't stick with the plan: Shame on you, sir. Shame.)
Drama Mama Robin: The Spousal Unit and other significant others have performed the actions of Lisa's advice on occasion."Oh did I screw up again? Here, have a TARDIS; oh, and I'll deign to play with you again."
I plug in my toy a few times to hear the noise, play my high-level character with him a few times, and then it's back to his old antics. It's the same thing with spouses who cheat and then give flowers and jewelry. The cheated or neglected person in the relationship has to decide if he or she really wants to trust ... again ... and be hurt ... again. Or is it time to move on and break the cycle?
You seem to have more than just a gamer's love for WoW. You have a bit of a problem. It's one thing to prefer raiding to farming for pets. (Farming can become tedious no matter whom you are with -- completely understandable.) It's another to neglect really important responsibilities in order to be in Azeroth full time. Yes, job searching sucks. It and moving both make me go into the fetal position and hope that a fairy godmother will show up and make it all right. But you have to have employment to fulfill basic needs. Spending that week playing WoW wasn't just perturbing your girlfriend -- it was endangering your home and ability to provide food and clothing.
Your girlfriend has been burned multiple times, and I doubt that an admittedly adorable Wind Rider Cub (The Spawn calls hers Lionel) is going to make her forget that. If you are going to suggest this to her, you need to address her concerns beforehand. Have a strict gaming schedule ready that you will keep to. Add in non-gaming date nights as well as specific chore times. Use a tool that you both can share, such as Google Calendar, and make it clear that you know what your issues are with the game and that you are addressing them seriously. Be open to any changes she wants to make, and under no circumstances should you get defensive or pouty if she refuses.
I think it might be a better idea to forget World of Warcraft all together (even though patch 4.3 is tempting) and pick up another MMO with her to begin as a duo. There are a bajillion out there, and Star Wars: The Old Republic is coming up soon. Consider beginning anew where there is no emotional baggage. But still implement the schedule. You'll need it for your relationship and your possible addiction problem.
Good luck to you and let us know how this turns out.
Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at Robin@wowinsider.com.
Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Drama Mamas
Reader Comments (Page 2 of 4)
bldavis59 Oct 17th 2011 7:02PM
Just throwing this out there,
the plushies make great presents to kids too!
i am engaged to a wonderful woman with 2 boys that i plan to adopt when we finally get married
the problem is she is on the east coast and i am on the west coast
last time i flew back there to see her and our sons, i bought a pair of pets, one of each, and took the plushies with me
the boys loved them, and they bought me and my fiance a few minutes of cuddle time alone. (well the boys were playing on the floor with thier new toys, we were on the couch, but it was still nice cuddling just the two of us)
Lev Oct 17th 2011 7:07PM
I don't like to say this but don't listen to Lisa's advice on this one. Your story about playing WoW rather than looking for a job tells us that you have a problem that can't be solved by a present. Robin's advice about agreeing to a strict playtime routine is the only way I think you are going to manage it.
I feel for you though. My wife stopped playing after our 2nd kid was born and has never returned I quit for all of WOTLK and have returned in Cata. I have tried to stick to a schedule. This means I can't raid 3-4 nights a week with my guild. Instead once a week go with the core raiders alts on an alt run, and fill in on occasions. This means I'm not likely to down rag anytime soon, but we can get through the rest of FLs (or previously BWD or BOT) in an evening. Ocassionally I log on an stay up too late running heroics, but generally I am fairly good balancing it. It takes a lot of work though. Were I single without kids I can easily see myself on most weeks nights and during the days on weekends, wanting to raid hardcore.
In the end real life is more important, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to enjoy the pleasures that WoW brings as well. If you can maintain the balance.
Lissanna Oct 17th 2011 7:07PM
If you come back to WOW and want to raid, then join a more casual raiding guild (say one that limits raiding to 2 days a week), and then ONLY add maybe 1 farming day to your schedule for other Wow-related tasks, then spend the other days unplugged from the game. So, lets say 3 WoW days and 4 relationship days where you don't play. Then, you stick to that schedule, or let her set up parental controls on your account so that your account is only active during those scheduled windows of WoW-time.
Killik Oct 18th 2011 5:09AM
I say *he* should set up the parental controls. Don't force her into the role of being his WoW nanny.
andres.dc39 Oct 17th 2011 7:11PM
The problem was not that you played, it was that you played hardcore raiding and neglected her both in game and out. After two years of being "sober" (LOL I had too) I guess you can appreciate that being apart from the game has let you do other stuff that probably WoW wouldn't have let you. You would definitely have to control your gaming schedule.
I hope you work it out in the best way for both of you.
4cliffw Oct 17th 2011 7:22PM
Honestly you need to harden the fuck up and rip yourself away from the monitor to be with your girl. WoW is a very time consuming game and if you can't make time for her and for WoW then your going to have to leave the game before she leaves you.
AudreyR Oct 17th 2011 7:28PM
Clueless, you really should ask yourself if this is a good idea.
She went out of her way to spend time some time with you on your terms. And you eventually abandoned her there.
I'm not trying to accuse, but to highlight a problem. You're asking her to come back to a place that was almost the end of your relationship.
You have a long experience of playing the game without her involved. She, however, has only ever seen it in relation to you.
I dare say this will hold a much larger emotional punch for her than for you. This is the scene of the crime.
She may not yet be ready for a step like this. She may never be ready.
The good news is that there are lots of things you can do together. It's best to leave your old "mistress" alone.
deadrabbits Oct 17th 2011 7:32PM
I really hate when people call it gaming addiction
See http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00SvIIualUw and the subsequent parts to that series.
I'd see if she misses it too, or even try another game that she likes. Wait around for GW2 or Starwars.
Try Lisa's advice see if it works
Pyromelter Oct 17th 2011 7:53PM
What a druggie does instead of getting a job: Does drugs.
What an alcoholic does instead of getting a job: Drinks alcohol.
What a video game addict does instead of getting a job: Plays video games.
When something becomes so overwhelming that you do that thing instead of doing what you should be doing, that's a classic sign of addiction.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Behavioral_addiction
"Behavioral addiction is a form of addiction which does not rely on drugs or alcohol. Increasingly referred to as process addiction[1] or non-substance-related addiction [2][3]) behavioral addiction includes a compulsion to repeatedly engage in an action until said action causes serious negative consequences to the person's physical, mental, social, and/or financial well-being.[4][5] One sign that a behavior has become addictive is if it persists despite these consequences."
The video you linked states that there is no video game addiction, but rather "compulsion." The behavior and addiction scientists use compulsion as a main-stay in their definition of behavioral addiction. I'll go with the professionals with sources on wiki, over a cartoon on youtube that is very obviously biased and apologetic towards gaming as a positive thing.
AudreyR Oct 17th 2011 11:45PM
Video games involve a lot of the same naturally occurring reward chemicals in the brain that drugs either replicate or stimulate.
So while the rest of the body may not suffer from side-effects, the brain can behave in much the same way.
Killik Oct 18th 2011 4:53AM
Addictive behaviour often relates to displacement activity, to deal with anxiety. Playing video games can be a compulsion. Of course, I'd rather be addicted to video games than crystal meth.
Pyromelter Oct 17th 2011 7:44PM
Robin said:
"You seem to have more than just a gamer's love for WoW. You have a bit of a problem."
I think this is an understatement in the extreme. Others have made the point that the letter-writer has video game addiction, so I won't add to that; what I will say, is I wish you guys would do a Drama Mama's on a very obvious case of video game addiction, in all the ways it can negatively affect you - your health, your social life, your school work, your professional life. It looks like this guy was getting hit on all sides, and video game addiction is something that probably doesn't get talked about as much as it should, especially with WoW, where I've encountered easily hundreds of people who have been affected by it. (Myself included.)
Priestess Oct 17th 2011 8:21PM
Ya know, he could have an addiction, but it frustrates me that so many people are so fast to label this situation as that, in large part because the guy played WoW instead of looking for a job. Maybe most of you haven't lost your jobs, but especially if the guy was the breadwinner, I can tell you that it's an emotional anvil to the head. When my husband lost his job due to layoffs - his coworkers cried when he left, he was not leaving because they wanted him to go - he slept for three days, then played WoW for a solid week. He took a toon from 1 to 80 and raiding (it was Wrath). Does that make him an addict? No, it makes him human. We all hate facing things that are horribly demoralizing, and losing your job is definitely one of those for most people.
I'd love people to cut the guy some slack. Did he let his girlfriend down? Definitely. Did he go on to play solid days for weeks after she called him on it? No! He quit, and I can't see why any guy in his position wouldn't be at least a little bitter. He's out of a job, out of a game, has a good girl who's upset with him, and he's probably very disappointed in himself about all those things. Besides, he did the right thing to drop the game, who's giving him credit for that? And it's not like he's writing in saying "Oh noez, I started playing again and she's mad!" He's asking how to step back into something he enjoys and make it a positive experience for him and his partner. What is so wrong with this? I just can't see it.
IMO: Kudos guy. You don't need a shrink, you need a hug. If you have as great a girlfriend as it sounds like, I wish you the best. WoW memories can be fun. Know where your line is and do not cross it. Now that you see what you did, know it's wrong, and don't want to go there again, do the right things. Be accountable to her for your time. If you can't do those things, quit again. I'm glad to see you did it once, and I hope that you do a better balancing act this time around.
domenceus Oct 17th 2011 10:37PM
@Priestess: if he needs his gf to tell him he's letting WoW playing overwhelm his adult responsibilities, he doesn't need a girlfriend. He needs a babysitter.
Priestess Oct 17th 2011 10:47PM
@domenceus: I need my husband to tell me I should be doing the dishes/laundry/vacuuming rather than looking for more cute pets sometimes. Human beings tend to do things they like more than things they don't. If you do whatever you want and ignore nice notices (or possibly ultimatums), you have a problem. If you do it and then do what you're supposed to, you're completely normal.
Pyromelter Oct 18th 2011 1:57AM
Priest, for a large swath of Wrath I was quite legitimately addicted to WoW. On my server alone there were many many others who were like me.
I'd be willing to volunteer even if Lisa and Robin want to interview me, if just to get the discussion going. In my experience, it's far more prevalent, in all MMO's, but especially in WoW. Why wow? Because it's just that damn good.
I'm quick to label it addiction because I've seen it and lived it. Maybe that's like a former smoker who gets all crazy against other smokers, but I see it. One thing about addiction, in some cases it never goes away. It's as clear as night and day - he's struggling with wow addiction, and that's really the center of his issues.
Stilhelm Oct 18th 2011 9:57AM
@priestess, I agree with you. So many of the responses sound like they missed the fact that he quit altogether to save his relationship, and realizes he was in too deep before. Now that he's had time to think about things, he's realized that the time he spent playing alongside his girl is what he *really* enjoyed, even more so than hardcore raiding. He's also been able to look back and see what kind of damage spending too much time did to him and his relationship.
I don't see anything wrong with him wanting to go back and experience the fun of WoW with his girl again. Would they have some fun times leveling through Cata content? Sure! Is it possible to go too far again? Sure. But couldn't the same thing be said about almost any activity? If you're going to restrict your activities to things that you cannot get too sucked into to ruin a relationship, that really doesn't leave much (including watching TV).
The thing with WoW is that obviously is it easier to really get sucked in too deep than most other hobbies. But that doesn't necessarily mean that WoW is the problem. You can find the same type of behavior almost anywhere you look.
Priestess Oct 18th 2011 12:32PM
@Pyro:
I actually agree with the overall point you make: addiction to playing games - the uncontrolable drive to play something when you haven't eaten, slept, gone to work, etc. - is a legitimate problem that needs to be discussed and worked with. It should be talked about. It should be dealt with. But in this exact case, I just don't see it. The guy dropped the game, he was bitter, so he's human. He *did not* sneak behind her back and play more. He didn't text his former guildies all day. He didn't suck at his relationship because WoW was more important. (At least, so I assume since she's still with him and he didn't say he had any further problems.) Presumably, he has a job now. I don't see this guy as having a consuming need to play a game. I see a guy in a bad spot who did a dumb thing. So I just disagree that this is the guy to go all-out "OMG you're totally addicted" on.
I'm good if you and others like you want to do a sit-down with Drama Mamas and get the discussion about "addiction" or "problem gaming" moving further along. I have friends to whom I would pass along that post, since they've dropped out of college, lost 40 pounds, and don't seem to see this is a problem while they're busy playing. But let's not go labeling this guy so fast, k?
Spellotape Oct 17th 2011 7:45PM
The only way Clueless will ever figure this out is by speaking to their partner about it. If she is receptive, then gifts might help (not as a bribe, but as I "this is cute and I appreciate you, please accept my gift for those things" etc - I would also suggest the mounts instead of pets if you want to level new toons), but Clueless should go to her with some terms of restricting play that will appeal to her, as well (assuming she's OK with it, at all).
Levelling in Cataclysm is pretty quick now, and a lot of the raid is ultra-nerfed, so hopefully since Clueless last stepped foot in Azeroth they've been able to display a greater sense of responsibility and self-control (which at heart is what seems to be the problem).
Killik Oct 18th 2011 4:57AM
The point of the pet rather than mount as a gift is that there is a gift to give outside of the game, before bringing up the subject. Buying her a mount is as good as saying "Hey honey, I already signed us up to WoW again."