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11-14-2011 @ 2:37PM
I notice throughout that you say girlfriend and not fiancee. She may feel, consciously or subconsciously, that you have not yet fully committed to her so she's got tacit permission to play the field, or at least keep her options open for when your relationship ends.Have you asked her to marry, or talked about it at all? If not, what are you waiting for? Is there something she has to do or you have to do before the ring?Make your decision. S*** or get off the pot. If she says she doesn't want to marry, that tells you a great deal.And while you may have been wanting to wait until the absolutest perfect time to ask, there's a great deal to be said for spontenaity. If you don't specifically ask her, and let her know how much she means to you in actual words in a language you both speak, she may always have doubts.
11-14-2011 @ 2:48PM
I was thinking the same thing. Four years is a long time to just be dating.
11-14-2011 @ 2:59PM
Not saying your point is invalid, but not everyone wants to get married period, and not because they're not committed to their partner. I know people who have been together and been together for more than 20 years but don't want to go through the whole hubub of marriage. Marriage does not solve problems, nor does it necessarily signify commitment. Plenty of couples get married BECAUSE their relationship is in trouble, because they think this "sign of commitment" will solve their problems. These two should have a discussion about their relationship in general, and how committed to each other they are without bringing up marriage, because that can bring in a lot of things (like social obligations, expectations, etc) that will just mess up the conversation. She might feel obliged to say yes, even if she doesn't really want to, or she might feel obliged to say no even though she actually wants to, depending on what feeling she's getting from Robby about his feelings and why he's asking.
11-14-2011 @ 3:12PM
Agreed. 4 years is too long for a Girlfriend/BoyFriend relationsship, unless something IMPORTANT is blocking the way.
11-14-2011 @ 3:26PM
::dryly::My now-husband and I were together for *seven years* before we got married. Our courtship period lasted longer than some of the marriages on either side of our extended family. Four years? Not that strange.
11-14-2011 @ 3:29PM
It's not too long for girlfriend/boyfriend - you're right, many people never do the legal thing. And talking about her parents and school suggests that they might be in college, which would put an impediment to getting married right away.But I know an awful lot of guys who stayed in the boyfriend/girlfriend zone far too long, always just assuming that their girl didn't want to get married yet, without saying anything. She can't read your mind. She may not know that you're planning to retire with her in 50 years and drive your grandchildren crazy. Talk about it. Wedding/elopement/handfasting/pledging alone at sunrise on a cliff above a beach, kids/no kids, ring/no ring. Even if you and she never want to go through the legal hassles until marriage is legal for everyone everywhere, get it out into the open that you plan a permanent future with her.And if you don't ever let her know that you plan a permanent future with her, you have no right to be jealous that she's looking elsewhere for someone who just might.
11-14-2011 @ 3:52PM
My suspicion was that they're actually fairly young - notice that he mentions what her parents think of this. If they're old enough to live on their own, why would her parents' opinions be relevant, and why would he be thinking internet predators and Dateline?
11-14-2011 @ 4:00PM
Did the guy's letter mention how old they are? Because he specifically said something about her parents being ok with the 'old guy' and their lives are limited by 'school and work.' This leads me to think they are still very young. It sounds like they probably started dating in high school. For all we know they are still in high school. I'd guess, just from his wording, that they are around 20. Too young to be getting engaged, in my opinion.
11-14-2011 @ 4:07PM
I got the idea they were in highschool too. In which case dating for four years but not wanting to get married at like seventeen or something is pretty normal.But other than that, this situation is weird. I can't imagine why her parents aren't weirded out. I certainly would be.
11-14-2011 @ 4:26PM
He talks about her parents and school. How old do you think they are? Aside from that, my and my gf have been together for 6 years. A lot of people simply marry, to "prove" that they are committed, only to divorce when things don't work out.For any man/guy/boy out there, another man travelling 12 hours to see somebody of the opposite sex? That is an instant warning. If it was a meeting of friends/guildies, sure, whatever, but this was just between said girl and man. I have yet to see a platonic relationship where somebody is willing to travel this much, where they talk this much and spend this much time together.I've had a similar issue with my gf and I simply made it very clear how I felt about it. She was always texting him and they were going out with her colleagues (they worked together on the same department) and when I offered to come along, she said that it was alright and not to worry. As I didn't trust her, I decided, of which I am not proud, to read some of her texts to find out what was going on. I then confronted her, using evidence without making it obvious that I read some of her text and we sorted it out. Turned out that there was something missing between us and she sought this missing with her colleague. We worked on this and everything's fine again.As others mentioned, it might be that she is missing something. Maybe you don't give her enough attention. Like it, or note, women adore attention, hence she is constantly talking to him, whatever the circumstances.Maybe go out together, go to a restaurant and do not take your phones with you. Just you and her and chat. If you feel you're distant, try to catch up, etc.
11-14-2011 @ 4:30PM
I feel really sorry for people who can't talk about commitment without insisting on marriage.In the modern age, marriage is usually a crutch, a way to enforce commitment rather than nurture it.One unfortunate reason for marriage--weddings--are huge parties that are made out to be incredibly important occasions. They aren't. The fantasies of little girls, fostered by former little girls, shouldn't be encouraged like they are.Similarly, as some sort of litmus test for "true love"...there *isn't* true love...the whole idea of true love diminishes the importance of actually trying to grow a relationship. People end up thinking "it wasn't meant to be" instead of "maybe I should try something new or see this in a different light."Some traditions are meant to die. Especially in a world in which one person is not necessary to watch over the house and kids.
11-14-2011 @ 7:09PM
@ muffin_of_chaosI have no idea why you have been down voted. All you speak are truths and wisdom.
11-14-2011 @ 8:20PM
While those of you who suggest this young couple are still in school make a valid point, this story becomes a LOT more weirder and creepier if the 18-year old girlfriend is seeing a 38-year old man, and the 18-year old boyfriend is jealous.Anyways, lots of people wait a long time to get married these days, a lot longer than they used to. My 50-year old uncle waited ELEVEN years before proposing to his girlfriend.
11-15-2011 @ 11:05AM
I can definately say that, had my wife's parents NOT approved of me, it's have gotten a HECK of a lot harder to keep dating her. As it is though, I'm lucky with my parents in law and they practically treat me as one of their own.Golden Rule: It is VERY hard to keep a woman/girl away from her parents. They've been in her lives for far longer than you have been. Even when they disagree you're still down on the ladder.
11-15-2011 @ 2:20PM
First off: As other commenters have noticed, the odds seems pretty high of them being really young, as in, teenagers, who can't legally marry. It's a possibility.Secondly: Not everyone believes marriage is for them. I realize in American society, marriage is sort of drilled into us that it's the end-all, be-all for a happy ending, but the reality is, not everyone wants that, or feels they need it. Just because you have a piece of paper saying you are legally bound to one another doesn't necessarily make the relationship automatically more solid; just more difficult to "break up" if you decide you're unhappy. Some people don't want that. Some people don't for personal reasons. Some don't want it for religious reasons. Some don't want it just because they don't want it. Some people CAN'T get married in this day and age, and that's sad.My point is, it bothers me when people say, "They've been together four years and aren't married? Clearly there's a lack of commitment here!" No, clearly there IS commitment here, or they wouldn't have stayed together FOR FOUR YEARS. Why does a sheet of a paper saying they're committed magically mean they're more committed than the fact they've stayed together for four years? That's incredibly dismissive and hurtful. And honestly, none of anyone's business but theirs.
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